


Relativity Falls Season 2

by KittyKatBella



Series: Relativity Falls [2]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Relativity Falls, Animatronics, Bigender Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Demonic Possession, Dream Demon, Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, Flirting, Gay Male Character, Genderbent character(s), Ghosts, Globnar, Karaoke, Lesbian Character, Mind Control, Mini-golfing, Multi, Nerd Bonding, One-Sided Attraction, Party, Running for Mayor, Same-sex couples, Spider people, The Portal (Gravity Falls), Time Travel, Unicorns, Zombies, biromantic character, haunted video game, lilliputtians - Freeform, love potion, puppet show, society of the blind eye - Freeform, the bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2018-12-17 00:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 116,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyKatBella/pseuds/KittyKatBella
Summary: After Buddy taking over the Mystery Shack and almost the town, Ford realizes something important.It's halfway through the summer, and he still hasn't figured out who the author of the journals is.With help from his brother and two best friends, Ford fights more monsters, and solves more mysteries. Who is the author? Where did they go? What happens with the whole Dan and Ford thing?None of them realize that the biggest mystery lives in their own hidden basement.





	1. Scary-oke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pines' throw a party to celebrate Buddy's defeat, which a bunch of dead people ruin.

It was midnight in Gravity Falls. The town was completely dark except for a faint blue glow coming from the Mystery Shack. The shack glowed and shook. The sleeping twins, Bella, and Fiddleford didn't notice, but Gompers woke up from the light.

\-----

Mabel was downstairs in her hidden lab, looking at the portal. It was what was causing the light and shaking.

"Thirty long years and it's all lead up to this," Mabel said. "My greatest achievement!" She looked down at her tank top and pajama shorts. "Probably should have worn pants."

Mabel gasped as little bits of fire spit out of the portal. One hit her shoulder and she quickly patted it out.

"Hehe, feisty..." Mabel smiled. "I like it." Mabel flipped a few switches back at the control panel. "If I finally pull this off, it'll all have been worth it." She sat down in the chair. "I just have to keep playing it cool; if anyone ever finds out about this..." She looked at a picture of Stan and Ford. "Yeah right. I've come this far. Who could possibly catch me now?"

She pulled on a pair of gloves and pulled down a switch labeled 'Max. Power'. It powered up the machine, causing a power surge around the town. The portal glowed brighter than ever.

Buddy noticed the light from his jail cell and opened one eye.

\-----

At a government base, two agents were sitting in front of a screen.

"Look! There it is again!" One agent pointed to the screen with sound waves.

"We haven't seen readings like these in thirty years," the second agent said.

"Is it coming from deep space?" The first agent asked, zooming in on a map. "An enemy weapon site?"

"Just as I suspected," the second agent said. "Gentlemen, we're going to Gravity Falls!"

The screen showed an aerial view of Gravity Falls, Oregon.

\-----

Mabel's alarm clock awoke her in the lab. She jumped up, her fez askew and a piece of colorful paper stuck to her face.

"Oh, right," she squinted at the clock. "Showtime."

\-----

Mabel stood in the Mystery Shack, in front of a crowd of tourists.

"Welcome, to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack!" Mabel said. The crowd cheered for her. "We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk, Lil Buddy."

Mabel picked up a Buddy doll.

"Boo!"

"Please please," Mabel said. "Boo harder!"

"BOO!"

"But I didn't catch that little guy all alone," Mabel said, standing behind the twins. "These little scamps deserve _some_ of the credit." Mabel playfully ruffled Ford's hair. Stan elbowed her in the side. "Oof! Ok ok, _most_ of the credit."

"Smile for the camera!" Thompson Determined held up a cinder block.

"Your camera's a cinder block, Thompson," Stan said.

"I just want to be a part of things," Thompson said sadly.

"Smile for a real camera," Tambry Valentino said, standing next to a TV camera.

"Everyone say something stupid!" Stan said. The three of them pulled funny poses.

"Something stupid!" They said together.

"And don't forget to come to the after party tonight at eight!" Mabel announced.

"We're doing a karaoke bonanza, people!" Stan said, pulling over a karaoke machine.

"Lights, music, enchantment!" Mabel blew some confetti put of her hand. "And a special performance by our family band, Love Patrol Alpha!"

"I don't know..." Ford muttered

"I never agreed to that name," Stan mumbled.

"Too late! I wrote our names on the list," Mabel smiled. "It's happening."

Dan blew an airhorn, catching the crowd's attention.

"Buy a ticket, people!" He said. "I know you don't have anything else going on in your lives!"

Dan led the tourists outside, leaving Mabel and the twins alone in the gift shop. Mabel sighed happily and smiled.

"The town loves us, we finally got that Buddy smell out of the carpets," Mabel said. "Everything is finally going my way."

"Hey Graunty Mabel," Ford said. "Now that we have a moment, I've been meaning to ask you for my journal back."

"Wha- journal?" Mabel said. She searched herself over before pulling the journal out from under the counter. "Oh, you mean this thing! Eh, it wasn't exactly my type of book. I didn't even finish it."

**Flashback!**

Mabel was in her office, photocopying the pages of the journal. Gompers bleated from beside the copier.

"You didn't see nothing," Mabel narrowed her eyes at the goat.

**Flashback over!**

"Wait, you're just going to give it to me?" Ford asked, taking the journal in surprise. "Just like that?"

"Well yeah, what else would I do with it?" Mabel chuckled.

"I... I gotta go!" Ford said. He pulled Stan upstairs to the attic.

\-----

Later in the attic, the twins, Bella, and Fiddleford (who Stan and Ford had called, telling them to come over) were gathering in the twins' room. Ford locked the door, turned Stan's action figures around so they faced the wall, pulled down the blinds on the window, and turned on his electric lamp.

"Guys, we have to talk," Ford said. "Almost losing the journal made me realize that we're halfway through the summer, and I'm still no closer to figuring out the big mysteries of Gravity Falls." Ford started pacing in front of his brother and friends. Gompers was asleep between Stan and Bella. "Buddy almost destroyed the town to get his hands on this journal. But why? Who wrote it? Where are the other journals? What was Bill talking about when he said 'everything will change'?" He opened the book, looking inside. "There's something _big_ going on right under our noses. It's time we stop goofing around and get to the bottom of it."

"Ford, ya've looked that thin' over 'bout a million times," Fiddleford said, walking over to Ford. "There's nothing left ta discover! Half the pages are blank, 'member?"

"I just feel like I'm one puzzle piece away from figuring everything out."

"Don't worry, Ford!" Stan said, picking up Gompers. "Lord Mystery Goat is on the case!" He changed his voice, pretending to be Gompers with a British accent. " _I play by me own rules, wot wot!_ "

"I don't know why I tell you things," Ford said. "Do you hear that?"

\-----

Outside, a black car pulled up outside the shack. Two men step out of the car, looking at the shack.

"Hey, Ms. Pines?" Ria said from the window. "What's that code word I'm supposed to yell whenever I see a government vehicle?"

"Wait, what?" Mabel hurried over and looked out the window. "Government vehicle?"

The two women looked at the government car parked outside the shack. Mabel's eyes widened with fear. She rushed over to the gift shop intercom, speaking into it.

"The Mystery Shack is now closed!" She announced. "Everybody out! Goodbye, have a nice day!"

The crowd of tourists murmured in confusion as they exited the shack. The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford walked over to Mabel, who was pacing back and forth nervously.

"Ms. Pines, what's going on?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, you never shut down the gift shop so suddenly," Ford said. A loud knock was heard from the door. Mabel answered, a giant, unusually faked smile plastered on her face.

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, gentlemen!" She said. "What can I get for you?" She pulled out a snow globe and a UFO keychain. "Keychains? Snow globes? These rare photos of American presidents?"

She showed them a five dollar bill from her sleeve, sweating nervously. The two men pulled out their government I.D. cards, showing them to Mabel.

"My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger," one of the men introduced. "We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town."

"Activity!" Agent Trigger repeated, pointing at Mabel.

"Mysterious activity? At the Mystery Shack?" Mabel asked. "You must be kidding!"

"I assure you I am not," Agent Powers said. "I was born with a rare disorder that makes me physically incapable of experiencing humor." Mabel laughed nervously. "I don't understand that noise you're making with your mouth. Now if you'll excuse us, we're conducting an investigation."

He pushed past Mabel into the gift shop.

"Investigation!" Trigger repeated, poking Mabel menacingly.

"Wait! Did you guys say you're investigating the mysteries of this town?" Ford asked the agents.

"That information is classified," Powers said. He kneeled down in front of Ford. "But yes. Look, between you and me, I believe there is a conspiracy of paranormal origin all connected to this town. We're just one small lead away from blowing the lid off this entire mystery."

"Are you kidding me?" Ford asked, excited. "I've been investigating the same exact thing! I found this journal in the woods that has almost all of the answers. If we work together, we could crack the case!"

Powers glanced over at Agent Trigger.

"If you have evidence of this claim, we should talk," Powers said. He handed Ford his card.

"We can talk right now!" Ford said. "Please, please. C-come in! I have so much to show you!"

Mabel's face contorted into one of fear before stepping in front of the agents.

"I'm sorry, agents," she smiled nervously. "The kid has an overactive imagination. And like, a swearing problem."

"Haha, roasted!" Bella laughed.

"Paranormal tow stuff is just a part of gift shop lore," Mabel winked. "Sells more merch, y'know?"

She snapped her fingers and Ria came forward with two bumper stickers and two funny headbands.

"Popodopopo, swag!" Ria said. She stuck the stickers to the agents' chests and put the headbands on their head.

"We have other spots to investigate," Powers informed. "We'll be on our way."

He began walking towards the door. Trigger grabbed an armful of Mabel bobble heads.

"I'm confiscating this for evidence," he said, following Powers.

"Smart move," the agent muttered to him.

"Wait! No, wait!" Ford cried, running after them. "We have so much to talk about!"

"Hold it, kiddo," Mabel said, stopping Ford. "Trust me, the last thing you want around during a party is cops." She leaned against the vending machine, closing it. "I'm confiscating that card."

She took the card from Ford and he gasped. Mabel began to walk off, putting the card in a box full of stuff.

"Now how's about you go be a normal kid?" She suggested. "Flirt with a boy, or go steal a pie off a windowsill."

She walked into the living room.

"But Graunty Mabel, you don't understand!" Ford cried.

"And don't go talking to those agents!" Mabel ordered. Ford groaned, walking over to Stan and their friends.

"That could have been my big break!" Ford complained. Stan grabbed the journal from Ford.

"Hey Sixer, maybe Graunty Mabel is right," Stan said. "We're throwing a party tonight!" He flipped through the journal. "Can't you go one day without searching for aliens or raising the dead or whatever?"

"I'm not gonna raise the dead," Ford rolled his eyes. "I just need a chance to show those agents my book."

"Trust me bro, the only book you're gonna need tonight is this," Stan pulled out a karaoke book, "Bam!"

"Yeah, I convinced Fidds to sing a song with me!" Bella said, putting an arm around him. "You should have fun, too!"

"I say kara, you say oke!" Stan said to Ford. "Kara-" He raised his arms. "Kara-" He raised them again. "Kara-" One more time. "I could do this all day."

\-----

The party was about to start, and Ria was setting up the snack table. Stan walked over to the stage and got shot by Mabel's confetti cannon.

"AHH!" Stan yelled, shielding himself from the colorful pieces of paper.

"Well, the confetti cannon works," Mabel smiled. She gasped, looking at the karaoke machine. "And the karaoke machine has all the best songs! 'We Built This Township on Rock and Roll,' 'Danger Lane to Highway Town'," she gasped again, "'Taking Over Midnight' by &ndra!"

Mabel grabbed a microphone.

"Graunty Mabel, I'm having second thoughts about the song," Stan said nervously. "I'm not really that good at singing."

"Stanley, karaoke isn't about sounding good," Mabel said. "It's about sounding terrible _together_!"

"You really mean that?" Stan smiled lightly. Mabel ruffled his hair playfully.

"Of course I do!" She giggled. "Now go have fun!"

\-----

Meanwhile, Dan and Ford were setting up black light posters. Dan laughed.

"Hey, check it out!" He said. "These black lights make my teeth look scary." He turned on the black light, smiling. "It's like a crime scene in my mouth!" Ford gave no response. "Come on, you love it."

"It's not fair," Ford sighed. "Finally I meet someone who could help me solve the mysteries of this town, and Mabel confiscates their card!"

"Dude, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm pretty sure Mabel hides like, everything in her room," Dan said quietly, looking around.

"I could get in a lot of trouble if I go into Mabel's room," Ford said.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Dan said. He set a party hat on Ford's head. "That's what makes it _fun_ , dummy."

Ford smiled up at the older boy.

\-----

Ria was stacking some Piñatas shaped like Mabel's head on a table.

"Man, I can't wait to smash these Mabelatas," Ria smiled.

"SMASH!" Bella yelled, jumping onto the table. She knocked the Mabelatas to the ground, breaking them open. "I have arrived! Oooh, candy!"

Bella started picking up the candy from the Mabelatas. Fiddleford walked up next to her, chuckling.

"Friends!" Stan said happily, running up to them. The three shared a group hug.

"Omg, is that a boom box necklace?" Bella asked, pointing to the golden accessory around Stan's neck.

"Yup!" He smiled. "It's suppose to match my aunt's sweater."

He pressed a button on the necklace and it started flashing and playing music. The three friends danced along to the music.

Cars started to pull into the Mystery Shack parking lot. Dan's friends stepped out of one car.

"Aw man, I thought this was gonna be a rave," Toby whined.

"Toby! Take off your shirt and _make_ it a rave!" Daryl laughed. Toby pulled his shirt off.

"I'll do anything for your approval!" Toby said, holding his shirt up. Shandra took a picture of him on her phone. "Aw, come on."

"I promise I won't send it to anyone," Shandra said as she pressed the 'Send All' button on her phone.

Mabel sat behind a table. A sign on the front read 'Admission: $10'. People walked past, handing her money.

"I made pie!" Growling Grenda announced. She gave Mabel some money and walked into the party, carrying a pie.

"These kegs are full of MEAT!" Womanly Wendy yelled, carrying two barrels of meat on her shoulders.

"Haha, Shandra sends me the _craziest_ texts," Tyler laughed. He walked past, looking at his phone.

"Oh boy, the whole town is showing up!" Mabel smiled. "And no signs of those pesky agents. Dan, Ford, how are those posters coming along?!" She turned to the spot where the boys had been, only to see them missing. "Hmm..."

\-----

Dan and Ford were inside, standing in front of Mabel's room. Her door was pink and glittery, and several signs decorated it. One said 'Mabel's Room' with the 'o's as hearts, the one below that read 'No Boys Allowed!', and the last one was next to a crossed out picture of Ford and said 'That Means You!'

"I'll keep an eye out for Mabel," Dan said. "You go look through her weird old lady biz."

Ford took a deep breath, pushing the door open and entering the room.

"Alright Graunty Mabel, where did you hide that card?" Ford murmured to himself. He opened a drawer. Inside was a copy of _Teen Boyz Fashion Magazine._  "Nothing." He looked in the closet. "Nothing." He opened a second drawer containing Mabel's grappling hook and a black karate belt. "Nothing." He opened a chest and saw some old men magazines (that were obviously for women). "Ew, Graunty Mabel! Pretending I never saw that..."

He looked around some more before ending up in front of a painting of Mabel.

"Wait a minute..." Ford said thoughtfully. He moved the painting to reveal a hidden compartment with the box of confiscated stuff in it. "Haha, yes!" He pulled out Agent Powers' card. "I got it!"

He picked up the phone sitting on the stand nearby and called the number. A few rings later, someone answered.

_"Agent Powers."_

"Hi, this is Stanford," Ford said. "Th-the kid from the Mystery Shack. The one with the um, 'sweating problem'. I have that journal I wanted to show you!"

_"And_ _you're_ _certain this 'journal' will help solve our case?"_

"I'm 100% certain," Ford smiled confidently.

_"_ _Very_ _well._ _We're_ _on our way."_

Ford gasped as Mabel suddenly appeared, pressing a button and ending the phone call.

"Sorry, Ford," Dan said. He held up his phone to show the picture of shirtless Toby. "I got distracted."

"Ford, why did you call those agents?" Mabel asked with a groan. "If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times. There's nothing supernatural going on in Gravity Falls!"

She slammed the phone back down on the receiver.

"Yes, there is!" Ford argued. "After everything that's happened this summer, you have to know that!"

Mabel pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

"All I know is that one day, your dumb obsession is going to get you into trouble one day," she said. "Now go enjoy the rest of the party, because when it's over- you're grounded."

She pushed Ford out of the room. He glared back at her before walking off with Dan. Mabel sighed, looking around and drumming her fingers on the doorway.

Mabel walked out to the vending machine. She made sure no one was around before typing in the code and entering the hallway behind it.

\-----

Stan was walking around the party.

"Hey ladies, looking good!" He called to a group of girls. "Gourney, you clean up nice! Mr. Poolcheck, move those crazy legs! You... you weird pool man..." Stan walked over to Sheriff Holt and Deputy Roy, who were looking around the party. "What's the matter, officers? Did you catch my face going _ninety smiles per hour_?"

"We got complaints about the loudest party in town," Roy said.

"Three words," Holt said. "We want in."

Stan lifted up two party horns and put them in Holt and Roy's mouths.

"Welcome to your dreams," Stan whispered. The two cops walked off, blowing the party horns.

\-----

The government car drove up an empty Mystery Shack parking lane in the trees. Agents Powers and Trigger stepped out, looking at their watches. Ford walked over to them.

"Greetings, gentlemen," he said. "I'm very glad to see you. Working together we can crack all the big questions of Gravity Falls!" The agents glanced at each other. "Trust me, this book is the lead you've been looking for." He showed them the journal, which they took and started reading through. "I'm thinking a full scale investigation. Forensics, researchers. Do you guys have a helicopter?" Ford chuckled to himself. "I'm sorry, helicop _ters_."

"Kid, I'd love to believe you, but this just looks like more junk from your aunt's gift shop," Powers said. "I mean, come on. Lepricorns?" He showed off the page. "I can't be the only one who thinks that's not funny."

"I can confirm," Trigger said, nodding his head in agreement. "Not funny."

"No no no, it's all real! I swear!" Ford cried. "You should 'Send it to the lab.'" He made air quotes with his fingers. "Am I saying that right?"

"Your aunt was right about that overactive imagination of yours," Powers said, handing Ford the journal. "We've got paperwork to do, kid."

" _Boring_ paperwork," Trigger clarified.

"Wait! This book is real!" Ford cried. He started flipping through the book. "Gnomes, cursed objects, spells! LISTEN! Uh, uh... _Corpus Levitus_! Uh, _Diablo Dominus_! Um, _MONDO VICIUM!"_

His last word echoed throughout the woods. The wind began to pick up and the ground started to shake.

"Huh?" Ford looked around. The agents yelled out in alarm. A large, green crack formed in the ground between Ford's feet. He yelled, jumping away from it and landing by the agents. Green smoke poured out of the crack as a zombie crawled out.

"Ha! A zombie!" Ford cried happily, pointing at the monster. "A real, actual zombie! See? Spooky journal, 100% real. Now can we work together?"

"Mother of all that is holey!" Powers gaped at the zombie that was crawling towards them.

"What do we do?!" Trigger asked.

"It's just one zombie," Ford dismissed their fear. "Trust me, I see stuff like this all the time."

He opened the journal, and just as he did, the zombie popped up in front of him. Ford screamed and Powers hit the zombie in the head with a big rock.

"Whew," Ford sighed in relief. "Good thing it was just that one."

It appeared that he spoke too soon, as more cracks formed in the ground, and out crawled a lot more zombies. They started coming towards Ford and the agents.

"Oh my gosh!" Ford cried. "You guys can help, right?!"

"Kid, we've been chasing the paranormal for years, but we've never seen anything like this!" Powers said.

"Get down!" Trigger yelled. The zombies tackled him and Powers. They dragged the screaming agents deep into the woods.

"Oh no," Ford panicked. "What have I done?!"

\-----

Back at the party, everyone was still dancing, unaware of the events that just occured. Up on stage, Bella and Fiddleford were currently singing their song for karaoke.

" _You and I will stick up for_ _each_ _other, when i-it's time!_ "

" _Nothing can break us apart._ _We're_ _always gonna glow in the dark._ "

" _Wherever we go, wherever we are,_ _we'll_ _always be like two halves of-_ "

" _Just one heaaaaart!_ "

The crowd cheered as they finished the song. Stan took Bella and Fiddleford's place on stage, taking the microphone from Bella.

"What do you guys say?!" He shouted to the crowd. "Is this party legendary?! When I say 'Stanley' you say 'Pines'!'"

The ground began to shake

"Stanley!"

A woman screamed.

"Stanley!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" A man yelled.

"Why does that never work?" Stan asked, frowning.

"Woah, WOAH! I think it's an earthquake!" Dan yelled. He blew an airhorn. "Hey everybody, we gotta get out of here!"

"What?! No! Don't leave!" Stan cried as the crowd started to run off. "We didn't even do our family karaoke song yet..."

Ford ran into the party. Only Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford were left. Stan looked towards Ford and noticed the zombies following him.

"Ford, what's the _one_ thing I asked you _not_ to do tonight?" Stan asked angrily.

"Raise the dead..." Ford said shamefully.

"And what did you do?" Stan glared.

"Raise the dead..." Ford repeated. The zombies approached the four friends, who huddled in a group.

"Oh man, oh man oh man oh man," Bella panicked. The kids screamed as the zombies knocked over the table, forcing them into a dead end.

"ZOMBIES!" Fiddleford screamed, utterly terrified.

"Ok, don't panic," Stan said. "Maybe they're just a really ugly flash mob!"

The twins screamed as a zombie swiped at them.

"Ok, let's stay calm," Bella said, obviously trying to tell it to herself more than the others. "My parents watch _Roaming_ _Dead_ all the time. I've learned from my dad about how to avoid zombies."

"And I could make some weapons for us," Fiddleford added. "I know a lot about zombies, too."

Suddenly, two zombies bit Bella and Fiddleford, turning them into zombies. Their skin turned green and their eyes became a glowing white.

"On second thought, gonna switch teams here," Bella said. "Can we eat your brains? _Sí o no_? Seeing some _sí_ faces over here."

The twins screamed, running around the side of the house. Bella, Fiddleford, and the other zombies slowly followed them. Ford sliced a zombie in half with a shovel. He looked around, thinking quickly.

"Quick! The golf cart!" He yelled. The twins watched as the cart got knocked over and destroyed by a hoard of zombies. "Aw, come on!"

"Ooh, bad luck," Bella tisked.

"Good news fer us, though," Fiddleford added.

"Guys!" Ford cried, looking at them.

"Sorry dude, we just really want those brains," Bella chuckled. The two zombified kids groaned as they continued to approach Stan and Ford.

"Stay back!" Ford ordered. Using the shovel, he hit a colorful disco ball towards the zombies. One zombie swallowed it, letting rays of colorful light shine through his stomach. The zombies advanced more on the twins, who stood in fear.

"Give it up, guys," Fiddleford said. "Yer fighting is only makin' us cooler!'

"What do we do? Where's Graunty Mabel?!" Stan cried.

"How's she supposed to help?!" Ford asked. "She doesn't even believe in the supernatural!"

\-----

Down in the lab, the portal was glowing and making a zapping noise. Mabel sat in her chair, pushing some buttons.

"Those agents could ruin everything," Mabel mumbled. "Darn kid. He has no idea what he's messing with!" She picked up the first journal. "He's stubborn, that's his problem." She looked at her reflection in the blue pine tree. "Sorta like me, I guess." She set the journal down. "Bah! I have too much on my mind to worry about those kids right now. Ok, let's see..."

A screen behind Mabel showed the twins and Gompers running along the side of the house, being chased by zombies.

\-----

Outside, that exact thing was happening. Stan dragged the karaoke machine behind him.

"Take that, you undead loser!" Stan swung the machine at a zombie, destroying it. Stan stared at his work. "This makes a surprisingly good weapon."

More zombies approached the twins. They screamed, running into the shack.

"Quick, we have to board up all the windows!" Ford said. The two brothers began to shove furniture against the door. The zombies pushed against it, nearly breaking the door. Ford backed away from the door. "Ok, maybe that will hold them..."

The window next to him shattered, and Bella and Fiddleford leaned into the window.

"Sup guys," Bella waved.

"By the way, Ah taught the zombies how ta get into the fuse box," Fiddleford said, holding up a power drill. "Among these guys, Ah'm a genius!"

"You're a genius anyway, Fidds," Bella giggled, shoving him playfully. The light in the Mystery Shack flickered out as the zombies began to crawl inside. "Get those brains, guys!"

Ford ran for the other door just as a zombie hand broke through. He gasped, backing into the corner with Stan.

"Ford, isn't there something in the journal about defeating zombies?!" Stan cried. Ford began flipping through the pages of the book.

"No! There's nothing in here about weaknesses!" He yelled fearfully and sighed. "This can't be happening. I wanted answers so bad I put everyone in danger. Now we're toast, it's all my fault, and no one can save us!"

A zombie suddenly grabbed Ford's arm, lifting him up. Stan gasped, reaching for him.

"Ah, no!" Ford screamed. "LEE, I'M SORRY!"

"STANFORD!" Stan shouted. Ford screamed as the zombie opened its mouth to bite him. But before the zombie could do so, it was hit smack in the face with a baseball bat. Ford dropped to the ground, him and Stan staring up at their savior.

Mabel stood in front of them, panting heavily. Her outfit was torn and her fez was missing.

"YOU TWO! ATTIC! NOW!" She yelled at the twins.

"W-wha-? Graunty Mabel?" Ford stuttered.

"I said NOW!" Mabel screamed. The twins obeyed her command, running upstairs with Gompers. Mabel turned to the zombies, brandishing her bat. "Alright you undead jerks, you reading to die TWICE?!"

The twins ran through the living room and up to the attic. Mabel followed, fighting the zombies along the way.

"The only wrinkly monster that harasses my family is ME!" Mabel snapped as she swung at some zombies. "Take that! And that! Eat it, no-eyes!"

A zombie growled, biting the baseball bat in half. Its face was met by Mabel's feet. The old woman was hanging from the ceiling via grappling hook.

"ANYONE ELSE WANT A PIECE?!" Mabel screamed. She dropped from the ceiling and continued to kick and punch at the zombies. She ran up the stairs, pushing a grandfather clock down them. It crushed a lot of zombies, but even more continued to advance on her.

The twins ran into their room, slamming the door shut behind them. They turned to the door just as something tried to break in. They looked at each other, scared, then back at the door when Mabel came through. The woman coughed and clutched her side.

"Oh, ow. Everything hurts," she said. She turned around, closing the door and barricading it with a chair.

"Graunty Mabel, that was amazing!' Stan said excitedly. "You were all BAM! And WAPOW! Oh, hey, are you ok?"

"Heh, at least you can't deny magic exists now..." Ford laughed nervously.

"...Kid, I've always known," Mabel admitted.

"Wait, _what_?" Ford said, confused.

"I'm not an idiot, Ford!" Mabel said. "Of course this town is weird! And the one thing I know about that weirdness is that it's dangerous!" A zombie hand broke through the door, and the small family backed towards the center of the room. "I've been lying to you about it to try and keep you away from it. To keep you safe from it!"

A zombie broke through the window. Mabel punched it to the ground, where a hoard of zombies was beginning to climb up the walls.

"Looks like I didn't lie well enough..."

"What do we do?" Stan asked fearfully. Ford began pacing around the room, looking at the journal

"Well normally the journal would help us, but there's nothing in here about defeating zombies!" He said. He paused by a black light, which lit up something in the journal. "It's hopeless!"

"Wait wait wait, the text!" Stan pointed out. "It's glowing in the black light!"

"What?" Ford set the journal on the floor next to the black light. He flipped through the book, looking at the previously hidden notes. Stan and Mabel watched from over his back. "All this time, I thought I knew all the journal's secrets. But they're written in some sort of invisible ink!"

" _Invisible ink..._ " Mabel whispered in disbelief.

"This is it!" Ford said, looking at a page. " _Zombies have a weakness! Previously thought to be invincible, their skulls can be shattered by a perfect three part harmony._ Three part harmony, how can we create that? I have a naturally high-pitched scream."

"I can make noises with my mouth," Stan said. "Sometimes intentionally."

"Boys, boys, I think you're both missing the _obvious_ answer," Mabel smiled at her grand nephews.

\-----

The zombies were mulling about through the gift shop and around the shack. A noise was heard from a microphone.

"Hello? Is this thing on?" Mabel asked, tapping the microphone. Her and the twins were standing on the roof, next to the karaoke machine.

The zombies walked through the living room and outside. Bella and Fiddleford were the last ones to pass through.

"Ooh, a science marathon on our favorite channel, Fidds!" Bella noticed.

"Ooh, I wonder what it's about," Fiddleford said. The two zombie nerds sat down in the chair. They looked towards the other zombies when they started to groan.

"Eh, we already sat down," Bella waved them off.

\-----

"Zombies and gentlemen!" Mabel announced from the roof. "I'm Mabel, they're Stan and Ford, and together we're Love Patrol Alpha!"

"I didn't agree to that name," Stan said into his microphone.

"Hit it!" Mabel said. 'Taking Over Midnight' began to play.

(Key:  
**Ford**  
_Stan_  
Mabel  
_**All Three**_ )

Ford looked at the lyrics.

"Uh, Graunty Mabel?" He said. "Our lives might not be worth this."

"Start singing!" Mabel urged quietly.

 **"Friday night, and we're gonna party 'til dawn. Don't worry, Daddy, I've got my favorite dress on?!** Graunty Mabel, this is stupid!"

"Roll in to the party, the boys are lookin' our way. We just keep dancing', we don't care what they say!" Zombies started to crawl up the walls of the shack. "And all the boys are gettin' up in my face–" She screamed as a zombie popped up. "Guys, we have to sing together or it won't work!"

_"Boys are a bore._ _Let's_ _show 'em the door."_

**_"We're taking over the dance floor! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like!"_** A sound wave went out around the shack. The zombies covered their ears and a few of their heads exploded.   ** _"Oh-oh,_** ** _we're_** ** _taking over tonight! Oh-oh! Girls do what we like! Oh-oh! We're taking over tonight_** ** _!_** _ **We're queens of the disco!"**_

_ "Oh-oh, girls do  _ _ what _ _ we like! Oh-oh,  _ _ we're _ _ taking over tonight!" _

**"Takin' over tooniiiiight!"**

Ford screamed as a zombie appeared next to him.

"Duck!" Mabel yelled, shooting the zombie with her confetti cannon. Its head landed in a bowl of punch. The sun rose over the trees, showing the destroyed corpses of the zombies. "Thank you! We'll be here all night!"

"Deal with it, zombie idiots!" Stan laughed.

"PINES! PINES! PINES! PINES!"

\-----

The family looked around the ruined living room. Mabel put her fez back on her head.

"I'm sorry about this, guys," Ford sighed. "I ruined everything."

"Ford, are you kidding me?" Stan asked with a smile. "I got to sing karaoke with my two favorite people in the world! No party could ever top that."

"Kids, listen," Mabel said, kneeling down in front of the twins. "This town is crazy. So you need to be careful. I don't know what I'd do with myself if you got hurt. I'll let you hold on to that spooky journal, as long as you promise me you'll only use it for self-defense, and not go looking for trouble."

"Ok, as long as _you_ promise that you don't have anymore bombshell secrets about this town," Ford said. Mabel crossed her fingers behind her back.

"Promise," she said.

"Promise," Ford nodded, crossing his own fingers behind his back.

"Boy, we sure have a lot of zombie damage to clean up," Mabel said. She stood up and looked around the room. "Where are my little workers, anyway?"

"Brains. Braaains!" Bella and Fiddleford moaned. They walked towards the others, but got stuck behind the overturned recliner.

"Holy Moses!" Mabel cried. She grabbed a chair and prepared to hit the zombiefied kids.

"Wait!" Ford stopped her. "There's a page in here about curing zombiefication. It's gonna take a lot of formaldehyde."

"Ooh, and cinnamon," Stan said, looking at the journal over his brother's shoulder.

"Come on guys, let's get you two fixed up," Ford said.

"Well what if we don't _want_ to?" Bella huffed, crossing her arms.

"Stubborn as ever," Stan rolled his eyes. He prodded the two out of the room using a chair.

"I  can't believe it!" Ford said, looking at the journal. "All this time the author's secrets were hiding in plain sight!" He pulled out a portable black light and shone it on the pages of the journal. "A whole new book of mysteries to explore..."  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Agent Powers and Agent Trigger crawled out of a ditch, beaten and torn.

"That was insane!" Trigger said in shock. "I've never seen anything like it! Who do we report to?"

Powers pulled a zombie skull off his jacket. The skull dissolved into dust.

"This is bigger than we imagined," he said. "We need to bring in the big guns."

"But they'll never believe us!" Trigger said, staring up at his partner as he climbed out of the ditch.

"Then we'll _make_ them believe us," Powers said. "This is the town we've been searching for."

Thompson Determined walked by. He had a blindfold on and was swinging a back, searching for Piñatas.

"Ahh! Another zombie!" Trigger yelled.

"Drop your weapon!" Powers ordered, pointing at gun at Thompson. The news reporter removed his blindfold, looking around in confusion.

"Oh, it's just- it's just a very ugly man," Trigger realized.


	2. Into the Bunker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford tries, once again, to not act gay for Dan. He ultimately fails.

Dan and Ford were watching a zombie movie in Dan's room. They sat at the foot of Dan's bed, a bowl of popcorn between them.

_"What do we do, Chadley?!" The woman on_ _TV_ _asked fearfully. The mic was visible in the corner of the screen. "I_ _thought_ _they were dead!"_

_"Far worse, Trixandra!" The man said. "They're... Nearly Almost Dead But Not Quite!"_

_The title of the movie appeared on screen. Trixandra screamed._

"Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies," Ford said.

"They're slow! Just power walk away from them!" Dan shouted at the TV.

"How much you wanna bet that guy dies first?" Ford asked, poking Dan in the side with his elbow. A chomping sound was heard from the TV.

 _"Ah! My_ _face_ _is_ _being_ _eaten_ _a lot!" Chadley yelled._

Ford and Dan laughed.

"Chadley ain't pretty no more," Dan chuckled. Just then his phone beeped with a text message. "One second." He looked at his phone. "Ugh, another message from Stacey."

"Oh yeah, Stacey," Ford remembered. "How's, uh, how's all that going?"

He stuffed a handful of popcorn in his mouth awkwardly.

"I'm over her, I just wish she was over me," Dan rolled his eyes. "Just look at these texts!" He showed Ford his phone, which had a picture of Stacey and a ';(' next to it. "I mean, winky frown? What does that even mean?"

"And you're not," Ford faked a cough, "you're not seeing anybody else, or...?"

"Of course I am," Dan said. "Meet my new girlfriend, dude."

He pulled over a stuffed teddy bear his mom had given him for Valentine's day. Ford laughed nervously.

"Right, right," he said. "So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to- maybe if, you know, you and me, whatever. I mean if maybe you," he looked at Dan, who was chewing a handful of popcorn and looking at him in confusion. Ford grimaced, looking away, "wanted to join Stan and me on this mystery hunt tomorrow. Conspiracy stuff and all that, you know..."

"Yeah dude, I love doing stuff with friends!" Dan smiled and turned his attention back to the TV. "Yo Chadley, watch out!"

"Yup, because that's what we are," Ford said quietly. He pulled a note out of his pocket. It was a note confessing his crush on Dan. "That's all we'll ever be..." He crumbled the note up and stuffed it in his pocket. He laid back on the bed. "Friends..."

"Dude, you're laying on my boxers," Dan said. Ford screamed.

\-----

At the nearly-destroyed Mystery Shack, men were working to fix it up. Mabel supervised them, wearing a tank top, pajama shorts, and her eyepatch. She watched as a man used a rope to stand the totem pole up.

"Be careful with that, please!" Mabel called to him. "It's genuine plastic! And could someone repave the cracks in the parking lot?" She looked at the chasm in the ground. "I would prefer if my car _didn't_ fall into China!"

"Ms. Pines, what exactly caused all this damage?" A man asked, walking over with a clipboard. "I need to write a report."

"Uh, big woodpecker," Mabel lied. The _Mystery_ _Shack_ sign fell down behind her. She slipped some money into the worker's shirt pocket. "Keep the change." She tapped on her eyepatch. "I'm winking under my eyepatch."

"Works for me," the man smiled and walked off. Mabel lifted her eyepatch, looking around.

"Now where did those kids get off to?" She spoke.

\-----

The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford were standing in the woods, in front of a tree. Ford tapped his lantern with a pen.

"Thank you all for coming," he said.

"Hey, when there's a mystery, you can count on your brother...ey," Stan rhymed.

"Haha, that's an amazing rhyme," Bella laughed.

"We're here to solve the number one mystery in Gravity Falls: who wrote this journal?" Ford held up the third journal. "Thirty years ago, the author vanished without a trace. But according to this new clue," Ford turned on his portable black light, shining it over the page, "we may have found his secret hiding place." He showed the others the hidden drawings on the page. "We find that author, we learn the answers to everything. We just need to find the way down there."

"Chop it down, dudes!" Dan called. He pulled up on his bike, ringing the bell.

"Dan!" Fiddleford said, smiling.

"Oh, hey!" Ford waved at him. "You came."

"Dude, I'm so stoked about this," Dan said. "I've been wanting to go adventuring with you guys. Sure beats picking up after my mom at home."

_Womanly Wendy was in a house, accidentally bumping into the ceiling and walls._

_"Ow! Ow! Ow! Who put that wall there? Ow!"_

"Thanks for the invite, man," Dan smiled.

"Of course!" Ford said, flustered. "Anytime you wanna... I, we're always... us."

"Uh oh," Stan said teasingly, poking at Ford. "Inviting Dan along on our mission? Me thinks there's romance afoot!"

"No! Look, I've thought this through, and I'm over Dan," Ford said. "I've looked at it from every angle, and that thing was going nowhere. I know what matters to me now, and it's finding the author of this journal."

He smiled, holding up the third journal.

"HA! _You're_ over Dan?" Stan laughed. "Allow me to put on my skepticals."

He made circles around his eyes with his fingers.

"I've moved on, Lee," Ford said, walking off. "You should, too."

"Skepticals..." Stan repeated, narrowing his eyes. Ford walked over to the tree. Dan, Bella, and Fiddleford were looking up at it.

"Is it just me, or does that branch kind of look like a lever?" Dan asked, pointing to a branch high above them.

"Huh, yeah," Ford said. He turned around, facing the others, so that he didn't see Dan start to use his belt to climb up the tree. "But how do we get up there...? It seems we'd need like a ladder, or like, ladder shoes... Yeah, ladder shoes. Fiddleford, could you draw up a blueprint?"

Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford watched as Dan, who was now at equal height with the branch-lever, pulled an ax out of his belt, swung it around, and hit the lever.

"Boosh!" Dan smiled down at them. The kids, minus Ford, murmured in amazement.

"Oh yeah, my mom used to make me compete in these lumberjack games when I was a kid," Dan shrugged. "I kinda ruled at it." Suddenly the tree began to shake, scaring off a flock of birds. "Woah, woah, what is that?"

Dan screamed as he fell to the ground. The tree, along with the ground surrounding it, starting to sink into the forest floor. The others pulled Dan out before he could fall in. They watched as a staircase formed in the dirt and a door opened up at the bottom of the tree.

"Alright guys, this is it," Ford said. "Remember, whatever happens down there, we tell no one."

Stan gave him a thumbs up, Bella and Fiddleford nodded, and Dan pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key.

"Now who wants to go first?" Ford asked with a smile, holding up his lantern.

The five of them slowly walked down the winding staircase, eventually ending up in a room.

"Woah!"

"Neato Dorito!"

"Cool!"

"This is so stupid cool!"

"It's like a fallout shelter or something," Ford murmured. "It must have belonged to the author."

"Or just some really paranoid smart guy," Bella said. Dan tugged the Fallout Shelter poster off the wall, dusting it off.

"This is going on my door," he chuckled. Stan stuck his head in a barrel and came out with caterpillars on his face.

"Haha, my face feels fuzzy," he laughed.

"This is incredible!" Fiddleford exclaimed, looking at a shelf of supplies with Ford. "It's almost as if he was preparin' fer some sort'a disaster."

"But what disaster would need supplies for over 60 years?" Ford asked.

"Like I said, paranoid smart guy," Bella shrugged. "Maybe he was just being extra careful." She walked over and opened a weapons cabinet. "OMG..." She reached in and pulled something out. "A Shmez dispenser! I remember these things! The candy was delicious!" She ate a piece of the old candy, but quickly spit it back out. "Ew, stale and dusty candy."

"Wait, guys," Ford held up a fresh, empty bag of candy. "I think this bag was opened recently."

"Maybe the author is still alive down here!" Fiddleford said hopefully.

"But where did he go?" Stan asked.

"Wait a minute..." Dan looked at a map of Gravity Falls on the wall. He took down the map, revealing a tunnel. "I think I know where he might have gone..."

He led the kids through the tunnel, which led to a room made of metal cubes.

"Woah! Oh man!" Dan exclaimed in amazement. "Was this place built in the past or the future?"

"This place is kinda creepy," Fiddleford said nervously.

"Not as creepy as Ford's internet history," Stan joked. "HEY-O!"

He shoved Ford forward, making him step on a tile with a design on it. The tile sunk slightly into the floor. The hatch to the room slammed shut and locked itself. The tiles around the room, including the ones on the walls a ceiling, started pressing into the room. The symbols on them glowed red.

"What's going on?!" Bella cried. The five of them screamed, beginning to panic.

"Wall things! Crazy wall things happening!" Stan yelled.

"Ford! What do we do?!" Fiddleford cried. He held onto Bella's wrist, a feeble attempt at protecting her. Ford pulled out the journal, frantically flipping through it. He shone the black light on a page titled 'Security Room'.

"Quick, find these four symbols!" Ford said, showing them the circles symbols on the page. "Everybody step on one!"

"Uh, one!" Fiddleford pushed a symbol that was next to him and Bella.

"Two!" Dan punched a symbol.

"Three!" Stan ran over and punched another symbol. Ford looked around, spotting the last symbol on the ceiling. He ran over, pressing it.

"Four!"

As he pressed it, a door opened up on the other side of the room.

"Run for it!" Stan yelled. The five of them ran for the door. Ford was the last to escape, but his jacket got caught in the blocks. He slipped out of it, landing in a pile on the floor with the others.

"Yes!" Dan cheered. "That was- hoo!- that was nuts!" He turned to smile at Ford. "You _ruled_ back there, man!"

Dan playfully punched Ford in the shoulder, making the younger boy smile.

"Haha, thanks," he said.

"That room was incredible," Fiddleford breathed. "Ah wonder how they built it..."

"Man, get a load of this crazy surveillance room," Dan said, looking around.

"Haha, look," Bella held two beakers in front of her eyes, making a funny face.

"Hehe, nice one," Fiddleford chuckled.

"Hey bro, you forgot your jacket," Stan said to Ford. Stan walked over and tugged Ford's jacket out from the blocks. Something fluttered to the ground. "What the-?" Stan picked it up, realizing it was a note. " _Dear Dan,_ _I've_ _always had a crush on..._ " Stan gasped excitedly, covering his mouth with his hands. "OHMYGOSH!" He turned to Ford. "Hey Sixer, look what I found!"

Ford looked at the note in his brother's outstretched hand, pulling on his jacket.

"What did you-?" He gasped, registering what it was. "Lee, give it back!"

Ford snatched the note from Stan, crumbling it up.

"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!" Stan said happily. "You're not over Dan at all!" He gasped in realization. "And you were gonna tell him _today_?"

"No, I changed my mind," Ford said. "It's a bad idea. I'd just embarrass myself, and then I'd be another person he hates, like Stacey."

"Ford, you should just tell him," Stan tried to convince. "One way or another, you'll feel better afterwards."

"Look Stanley, I can't tell him no matter how much I want to," Ford said. "So just drop it, ok?"

"Dude, Ford!" Dan called from the other side of the room. "You gotta check out this metal closet!" He spoke in a robot voice. " _I am a_ _robot_ _._ _I_ _am in a metal closet!_ "

"Coming!" Ford called over to Dan. He looked at Stan, a grave expression on his face. "This never happened."

He walked away from his twin, being replaced by Bella.

"Hey, what was all that about?" She asked.

"Ford wants to tell Dan he likes him, but he's scared," Stan explained. Bella lit up with an idea.

"Maybe he needs a little push?" She suggested. _Or maybe_ , she thought to herself, _th_ _e quicker he says something, the quicker he can move_ _on_ _, and the quicker_ _I_ _can get Fiddleford to confess!_

"Great idea, Bella!" Stan said with a smile. He ran over to Ford, hugging him from behind. "Brother, whatever happens, I need you to know something:" Ford looked at Stan, "this is for your own good."

"Huh?" Ford said, confused. He yelled out in shock as Stan shoved him into the closet, locking him inside with Dan. "What the-?" He looked up at Dan and let out a short yell. Ford stood up, pounding on the door. "Stanley, let us out!"

"Oh, I'll let you out," Stan said, leaning on the other side of the door. "As soon as you tell Dan that thing you've been wanting to tell him! You'll thank me for this later!"

"What's he talking about?" Dan asked. Ford screamed, turning around to face him.

"Oh, nothing," he laughed nervously. "Stanley's just... being Stanley!"

"That's besides the point!" Stan called from outside.

"Lee, let me out RIGHT NOW!" Ford yelled. He pounded on the door some more.

"Ugh, where are the lights?" Dan asked. He pulled a cord hanging from the ceiling. The two boys screamed as water rained down on them from above. A blast of hot air pushed them together, knocking Dan's hat askew. A red light flashed and a tone sounded. A sign lit up, reading 'Decontamination Complete.' A door in the back of the closet (which Ford now suspected wasn't a closet at all) opened up, revealing a wrecked laboratory.

"Woah," Ford murmured, stepping out with Dan, "a hidden lab. The author must have done experiments down here."

"Huh," Dan frowned, looking at one of the many dirt tunnels. "What do you think dug all these tunnels?"

"Let's hope we don't find out," Ford said. A soft growling was heard. Ford screamed as a dark figure approached them. He ran back to the closet. "Stanley, open up, for real! There's a monster in here!"

"Nice try, Ford!" Stan called. "The only monsters are your own inner demons!"

"Dude, that's so deep," Bella nodded.

"Ford, just say whatever it is that Stan wants you to say, so he'll let us out of here!" Dan said desperately.

"Come on, Ford! Now's the time, bro!" Stan called.

"Dan, I- I-" Ford looked up at Dan. He set a determined face. "I'm gonna find another way out of here."

"Wait, what?!" Dan cried in surprise as Ford dragged him off. "Dude, where are we going?!" They ran down a tunnel and turned a corner, facing a dead end. "What do we do?!"

"I don't know!" Ford cried. They watched in horror as the shadow of the creature approached them. Suddenly, a man's shadow pounced on and attacked the creature. The man tore out the monster's tongue.

"Back! Back, you heinous beast!" The man yelled. The creature shrunk back and the man walked into view, panting. "Well, I just ripped out a monster's tongue."

He dropped the tongue on the ground.

"It's- it's you!" Ford said in amazement.

"Hurry now!" The man said. "I scared it off, but it'll regenerate." The man led Dan and Ford down a tunnel. "I wasn't expecting guests. I've been down here a very long time. Years. Weeks, maybe! I miss orange juice."

"You don't understand!" Ford said excitedly. "You're the guy I've been looking for!"

"He's the guy?" Dan asked.

"Dan, he's the guy!" Ford beamed.

"'The guy'?" The man repeated, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"I have about a million questions!" Ford said, pacing in a circle. "Why did you write the journal? Who was after you? Why did you build this bunker?"

"Heh, my boy, I'd love to discuss this in time," the man said, setting a hand on Ford's shoulder. "But for now we have more pressing matters to deal with." The three of them started walking around the lab. "It's one of my experiments, a shape shifter. Able to take the form of anyone or anything it sees. It broke free from a cage of solid steel!" He showed them a broken cage. "I've gone half crazy trying to catch the creature alone. But now you're here! Will you help me catch it?"

The man kneeled down in front of Ford, lifting his glasses. Ford gasped happily.

\-----

Meanwhile, Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford were still looking around the surveillance room.

"They sure are taking their time in there," Bella huffed. She was sitting against the wall upside down, her legs up against the wall.

"Hey, do Ah look smarter with this coat an' briefcase?" Fiddleford asked, putting on a lab coat and picking up a briefcase. "I feel like Ah look smarter."

"Oh, so smart," Bella smiled at him. "Like a genius!"

"Razzle-dazzle!" Stan gasped, looking through a window into another room. "Look at this tubey-thing!" He pressed a button on the dashboard and the tube glowed blue. "Frozen, unfrozen. Frozen, unfrozen." He looked down and saw a clipboard with a piece of paper. "What's this? _Experiment 210: The Shape Shifter. Became too dangerous_."

"Uh, y'all, didn' Ford say there was a monster in there with 'em?" Fiddleford asked nervously. Stan gasped.

"I thought he was lying!" He cried.

"You know Ford is terrible at lying!" Bella yelled.

"FORD!" Stan looked at the door in fear.

\-----

Dan, Ford, and the man were still walking through the lab.

"Come in, come in!" The man gestured. "I apologize for the state of things. I don't get many non mole-people visitors. Now, the beast must have some weakness we can exploit. I just wish I had my research on me. But alas, I lost my journals so many years ago."

"Did you say journals?" Dan asked.

"Dude, I found one of them!" Ford smiled. "That's how I found this place!"

Ford pulled out the third journal, showing it to the man.

"What? Could it be?" The man asked, taking the book from Ford. "My boy, I can't express my gratitude!" He started flipping through the pages of the journal. "Yes, after all these years..."

\-----

The others ran into the new room, panting.

"Ugh, it's so dark," Stan squinted, trying to see. "How will we find them?"

"I have something!" Bella said, pulling off her blue drawstring backpack. She searched around in it before finding a glow-in-the-dark ball. It lit up the area around them. "Ah-ha!"

"Bella, that's perfect!" Fiddleford smiled.

"How'd you think to bring it?" Stan asked. Bella shrugged in response.

"It helps to have something to play with, just in case," She said. "Now allow me to light the way!"

She ran off, the two boys following behind her.

"We're coming fer you guys!" Fiddleford called out.

\-----

Ford watched as the man flipped through the pages of the journal. Dan was looking around the room.

"Yes, yes... it's all here," the man chuckled darkly.

"Dan! Isn't it amazing that we're actually meeting the real author?" Ford whispered to Dan. The older boy picked up a bag of candy and peered at it. He gasped, becoming scared.

"Ford, look!" He hissed, showing Ford the bag. Ford did indeed look at the bag, and he saw a picture of 'the author' on it. He frowned, looking at Dan. Ford stood up, smiling nervously at the man.

"Uh, we should get going," Ford said. "Can I have my journal back...?"

The man blinked sideways, turning his head all the way around.

"You're not going anywhere!" He said, his voice deepening. He crawled onto the ceiling, and the Shape Shifter turned into his true form. Dan and Ford screamed. "How do you like my true form? Admit it, you like it!"

"You!" Ford shouted, pointing at the monster. "What did you do with the real author?!"

"You'll likely never find out!" The Shape Shifter spat. "That female nerd hasn't been himself in thirty years! But I thank you for bringing me his journal. He used to write it while I was in my cage. So many wonderful forms to take!"

The Shape Shifter laughed. He flipped through the journal turning into a Gremloblin, a ghome and the Hide Behind, laughing each time.

"We have to get the journal back!" Ford whispered to Dan.

"Hey, body snatcher! Snatch this!" Dan yelled. He threw the full bag of candy at the Shape Shifter, who dodged it. It turned into a frog-like monster, lashing its tongue at Dan. The boy blocked the tongue with a piece of metal. He let go of the metal, making it snap back and hit the Shape Shifter in the face. It dropped the journal, shrieking.

"RUN RUN RUN!" Ford screamed, grabbing the journal. The Shape Shifter turned into multiple forms before settling on being a giant potato bug. It shrieked, rolling after the two boys.

Ford and Dan came across a fork in the tunnels. Dan hid in the left one, while Ford quickly threw their flashlight down the right tunnel. He hid with Dan as the Shape Shifter rolled up. It chased the flashlight down the right tunnel. Dan and Ford ran along the left tunnel, running into Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford. They all exclaimed happily.

"Wait!" Ford said. He stood up with Dan, narrowing his eyes at the others. "How do we know they're not the Shape Shifter?"

"Ok, 'the' implies one, and IDK what you saw, but I don't think it could split itself into three separate beings," Bella said.

"But what if we are the Shape Shifter?" Stan gasped. He pulled up his shirt. "Quick, inspect my shape!"

"Tbbt, ok," Bella giggled. She blew a raspberry, poking Stan in the stomach. "Boop." She turned to Fiddleford, doing the same to him and making the boy chuckle. "Boop."

"It's them," Ford nodded. He gasped, looking at Dan's knee. "Oh my gosh, Dan, you're bleeding!"

"It's cool, it's cool," Dan assured. "It's just blood, man; don't freak out."

"What happened?" Stan asked.

"We got attacked by the Shape Shifter," Dan began to explained, taking off his jacket. He ripped a sleeve off and tied it around his knee. "He broke out of his cage, pretended to be the author, and wants Ford's journal."

"Imagine if he escapes into town!" Ford worried. "He could transform into anything! We could never trust anyone ever again!"

"Well what do we do?" Fiddleford asked nervously.

"Well, he took us into his home, tricked us, and tried to destroy us," Dan summed up. "I say we return the favor."

\-----

The Shape Shifter was in its human form, walking down a different tunnel.

"Stanford, my boy! Come on out!" He momentarily lost his form. "I must speak with you!" He growled, turning into a beast with a giant fist for a head. "REVEAL YOURSELF, YOU SINGLE-FORMED HUMAN WEAKLING!"

He slammed his head into the ground. Stan and Ford walked into the room, talking.

"Boy Sixer, that book sure is full of some great monsters!" Stan stated loudly.

"There you are!" The Shape Shifter growled, turning towards the twins. "Ooh, and a new one!" He turned into Stan. "Should I be one," he then transformed into Ford, "or the other? How about both?"

He mutated into a combined, horrifying monster of the twins. Stan and Ford screamed, running the other way. The Shape Shifter chased after them. They entered a room where Bella, Fiddleford, and Dan were standing by a water valve.

"Guys, he's coming!" Ford yelled. "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!"

The three teens struggled to turn the valve, but it was stuck.

"It's not working!" Bella grunted. The Shape Shifter caught up to them. "WHAT THE FRICK FRACK IS THAT?!"

The Shape Shifter screamed, grabbing at the journal with its tongue.

"HEY, LET GO!" Ford shouted, struggling to keep a hold on the book.

"YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Dan yelled, tugging on the journal. Dan was tugged forward with the journal, leaving Ford on the ground.

"Dan!" Ford cried, reaching for him.

Dan jumped onto the Shape Shifter, preparing to hit it with his ax. At that moment, Bella and Fiddleford managed to turn the valve, and a stream of water burst from the pipe. Dan and the Shape Shifter were knocked back by the water. The tunnel filled up with water, and the younger teens got caught up in it, too. Dan floated by underwater and ended up hitting his head on a rock. Soon the water emptied out of the tunnel.

The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford gasped for air. Bella was shaking terribly, and Fiddleford tried to calm her down. Ford looked up from the ground and saw Dan's ax. He picked it up.

"DAN!" Ford cried, his voice echoing along the tunnel. He walked forward a bit, finding Dan laying on the wet ground. "Dan!" He ran forward, kneeling besides the young knocked out lumberjack. "No, no, no no no! Can you hear me? Oh, please be ok!" He shook the older boy, but there was no response. "Oh no no no! This is all my fault! If I had told you when we were in the closet, we wouldn't be in this mess. But I was scared. And now you could be hurt, o-or worse! I never got to tell you, Dan, that I'm like... in _love_ with you..."

Ford started to cry, burying his face in his six-fingered hands. Dan walked up behind Ford, holding the journal.

"Uh, Ford?" Dan said. Ford jumped, turning around to face the second Dan.

"W-what? Dan?" Ford said. "Th-then who's-?"

His question was cut short by the Shape Shifter, still as Dan, growling and lunging at his original.

"LOOK OUT!" Ford cried.

"Give me back that journal!" The Shape Shifter yelled in Dan's voice.

"Never!" Dan yelled. Ford watched in fear as the two Dans fought each other, struggling for possession of the journal. Ford picked up Dan's ax, nervously approaching the two Dans. He couldn't even tell which one was the real Dan.

"Give it back; it belongs to Ford!" The Dan on the right yelled. He turned to Ford. "Hit him with the ax!"

"Don't listen to him, Ford!" The left Dan shouted.

"He's the Shape Shifter!"

"I-I don't know who's who!" Ford cried. "Give me a sign!"

The Dan on the left smiled and winked. The Dan on the right kept a serious face, but pretended to zip his lips and throw the key away. Ford gasped in realization and swung the ax at the Dan on the left. It stuck in his stomach, and the Shape Shifter screeched, turning back into his true form. A green substance oozed out of the wound as he tore the ax away. The tube that Stan froze and unfroze earlier flashed with a red 'Ready' sign.

"Push him in!" Ford ordered. The two boys shoved the Shape Shifter into the tube. It screeched and tried to escape, but the door closed before he could. The tube started to freeze.

"Frozen!" Stan said proudly. Him and the others were watching from behind the glass, and Stan had just pushed the button to freeze the tube.

"No!" The Shape Shifter began to panic. He turned into a rock monster, a fire monster, and then the man from earlier. "Let me ouuuuut!"

He finally turned back into his true form, beginning to freeze. Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford entered the room, walking over to Ford and Dan.

"Wow, cool!" Bella said. She pulled out a blue penguin Beanie Boo and took a picture of it in front of the frozen tube.

"Let's get out of here," Fiddleford said. The Shape Shifter laughed evilly, causing the group of friends to gasp.

"You think you're so clever don't you, Ford?" The Shape Shifter spat. "But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine. And this will be the last form you ever take!"

He turned into Ford, screaming and holding his arms up. He froze like that while Ford looked on in horror.

"Wow, nightmare fuel," Bella shuddered.

\-----

Dan and the kids stood outside the tree as it rose to its original position.

"Hey y'all, Ah think I'm a tad adventured out," Fiddleford said. "My face hurts from doin' this all day."

He mimicked a screaming face.

"Haha, yeah," Bella chuckled. She rubbed her wrist. "Plus, you have a death grip when you're scared."

"Yeah, sorry about that," Fiddleford smiled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head.

"But seriously guys, we're all total heroes!" Stan butted in.

"Hey, who wants to get some heroes breakfast?" Bella asked with a smile.

"Syrup on cereal!" Stan cheered. Him, Bella, and Fiddleford walked off, leaving Ford and Dan behind.

"Eww, that sounds gross!" Bella laughed, playfully shoving Stan. Ford looked nervously at Dan.

"Look, Dan, in the heat of the moment, I might have said some dumb things, and..." Ford turned away, "can't we just pretend it never happened? Please?"

Dan kneeled down, placing a hand on Ford's shoulder.

"Dude, it's ok. I always... kinda knew," Dan smiled sheepishly.

"Wait, you did?" Ford turned around to look at him.

"Yeah man," Dan chuckled. "You don't think I can't hear all those things you're constantly whispering under your breath?"

Ford groaned, covering his face with his hands.

"Oh man," He said, sitting down on a log. Dan sat down next to him.

"Listen Ford, I'm like... _super_ flattered, and I'm so supportive of you liking guys, but... I'm straight," Dan said. "You know that, right?"

Ford groaned again, setting his chin in his hands.

"Stan said confessing would make me feel better," he sighed.

"Well... how do you feel?" Dan asked.

"Anxious, scared," Ford listed. He scratched at his arm. "Kind of itchy."

Dan laughed.

"Don't be itchy, man," he smiled. "Let me tell you something. This summer was _super_ boring until you showed up. I've had more fun with you than practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend... I would like, throw myself into the Bottomless Pit!"

Ford chuckled, smiling slightly.

"So things won't be too weird between us now?" He asked.

"I just wrestled _myself_ , dude," Dan said. " _That_ was weird. If you can handle that monster, you can handle a little weirdness."

"So... friends?" Ford said.

"Yeah dude, friends!" Dan laughed, shoving him backwards off the log. Ford laughed, sitting up. Dan pulled him back onto the log and climbed onto his bike. "Oh, and Ford? See you for movie night tomorrow. Your place this time!"

He biked off, leaving Ford alone on the log. That is, until Stan slid over next to him.

"Soooo, how'd it go?" He asked. Ford jumped, looking a bit defensive.

"W-what did you hear?" He asked his brother.

"Everything. All the time. Everyday," Stan said, waving his arms.

"We're not here!" Bella yelled from the bushes, appearing with Fiddleford. Ford sighed, looking at Stan.

"Lee, how can everything be so amazing and so terrible all at the same time?" Ford asked. Stan sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"I'm sorry for being so pushy, Ford," He said. His voice dropped to a whisper, so that Bella and Fiddleford couldn't hear. "If it makes you feel any better, I think Fidds has been eyeing you since the beginning of summer. Just, don't tell him I said that."

"Hehe, ok Lee," Ford chuckled. Bella and Fiddleford sat on the other end of the log.

"I'm just upset we didn't get any closer to finding the author," Bella said.

"Yeah, all Ah got was his lab coat an' briefcase," Fiddleford said, holding up the case. He exclaimed in surprise when it opened up to be a laptop.

"Fidds, that's not a briefcase," Ford said. "It's a laptop!"

"And a really busted up one, too," Stan said.

"I could probably fix this thin' up in a day er two," Fiddleford said.

"This could be our next clue!" Ford said excitedly. The label on the laptop read 'Property of C'.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Dan and Ford were watching TV at the shack.

"Is it just me, or does Gravity Falls TV only have the worst movies?" Ford asked.

 _"You're watching the Gravity Falls Bargain Movie Showcase," the man on TV announced. "Coming up next,_ The Widdlest Wampire, The Planet People of Planet Planet!, Help! My Mummy's a Werewolf!, Attack of the Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!, The Man with no Taste, Ghost Turtle, Help! My Mummy's a Werewolf! 2: This Again! _"_

"You wanna never watch this channel again?" Ford asked.


	3. The Golf War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins go mini-golfing and cheat in a contest against Preston by using living golf balls.

Ford was inside the Mystery Shack, sitting in the living room with a bowl of cereal. Gompers was sitting next to him on the chair. Stan entered the room, holding a pan.

"Who wants Stancakes?" He smiled. "They're like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in them."

"Ew, I'll pass," Ford said.

"Mail's here!" Mabel announced. She entered the shack holding a newspaper and some envelopes. Stan screamed in excitement, dropping the pan on the floor. Gompers hurried over to eat the Stancake as Stan grabbed the newspaper from his aunt's hand.

"It's here!" He shouted. "It's here it's here it's here! I've been waiting all morning for this, and it's finally here! The _Gravity_ _Falls Gossiper_ accepted my article about summer fashion tips for animals! _My_ picture is gonna be in the paper! Check it!"

He held out the newspaper, showing off the front cover to Ford and Mabel.

" _Preston Northwest Declares V-neck the Look_ _of_ _the_ _Season_ ," Mabel read aloud. "What am I looking at here?"

"Woah woah _what_?!" Stan cried, looking at the newspaper. Sure enough, there was a picture of Preston wearing a v-neck.

"Looks like someone bought their way to the front page," Ford said, looking over his brother's shoulder at the newspaper.

"Ugh, Preston!" Stan groaned. "He always ruins everything!"

"Ah, don't worry about it, Stan," Mabel tried to cheer him up. "No one even reads the newspaper anymore."

Just then, Ria entered the room.

"Dudes, v-neck season is upon us!" She announced. "Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashipn curve?" She pulled out a marker and a pair of scissors. "I'm taking it one step further." She drew a dotted 'W' on the neck of her shirt. "With the w-neck!" She started cutting along the dotted line. "Must... follow... newspaper!"

Stan walked over to the kitchen table. He poured some orange juice into a shot glass and gulped it down, sighing sadly.

"Ach! I need something to get my mind off this," he said glumly.

_"Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?" The_ _TV_ _said._

"Why yes!" Stan perked up.

_"Victory, honor, destiny, mutton! These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt! *No mutton available at the snack shop*"_

"Hey! Lee, you love mini-golf," Ford said, pulling out a photo album. He opened to a picture of Stan winning a mini-golf trophy at age nine. "He's been amazing at it since we were kids. What do you say, Lee? We've had a stressful couple of days. How about we take a break, huh?"

"Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf help cheer you up?" Mabel asked with a smile.

"Maybe a little," Stan smiled back.

"Come on, Lee," Ford said. "Victory!"

"Honor!" Stan said.

"Destiny!" Mabel cheered.

"Mutton!" Ria finished, the flap of her w-neck falling down. The four of them marched out of the house, chanting.

"Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton! Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!"

Ria shut the door behind them.

"And the goat can look after the house," she said. Inside, Gompers bleated in a confused way.

\-----

The twins, Mabel, and Ria entered the mini-golf park, looking around in amazement.

"Ah, mini-golf," Stan said once they got set up at a hole. He leaned against his club. "The sport of mini champions!"

"The grass is fake, but the fun is real," Ford smiled at his twin. "There's something here for everyone."

\-----

Stacey laughed as she spray painted the word 'Weiners' on a wall.

"Hey, you! Stop!" The Mattress Princess yelled, sitting in a golf cart. Stacey yelled, running off. "Come back here!" The cart slowly started to drive forward. "Hey, those are lewd hand gestures!"

\-----

Ford stood in front of a golf ball, preparing to swing.

"Focus... focus... and, eh," he swung at the ball, but completely missed. Somehow, the ball rolled into the pond nearby.

"Don't worry, Ford," Mabel said. "You're still," she stuck a dinosaur sticker to Ford's cheek, "'ex-ROAR-dinary!"

"I'll take what I can get," Ford huffed. Stan moved to stand in front of another ball.

"Do the hip wiggle, and... eh!" He hit the golf ball. It bounced off of Crazy Chiu's nose, who was sleeping next to the hole, and rolled into the hole.

"What? How'd I get here?" Chiu said, waking up.

"Holy smokes!" Mabel exclaimed in amazement. "Someone in our family actually has talent!"

"Graunty Mabel, you haven't seen anything yet," Ford smiled.

They played through the golf holes, Stan getting the best score of any of them.

Finally, they stood in front of the 18th hole. A crowd had gathered around them.

"Guys, this is amazing!" Ford said, looking at the score sheet. "If Lee gets a hole in one here, he'll beat his all-time high score!"

 _You can do it, Stan,_ Stan thought.  _Pretend the ball is Preston's face!_

Stan hit the ball. It rolled into the windmill and came out the other end. It just missed the hole, rolling into a puddle.

"Aw, nuts!" Stan exclaimed, throwing his club to the ground. The crowd murmured in disappointment, walking off.

"Hey, don't worry about it, Stan," Mabel said. She picked up the golf ball and rubbed it on her mini-golf sweater. "The thing's random!"

"Yeah, besides the Bermuda's Triangle, how mini-golf works is the world's biggest mystery," Ria said.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're still the best player in Gravity-" Mabel stopped mid-sentence as they watched someone get a hole in one on the 18th hole. The twins, Mabel, and Ria gasped. They looked up at Preston, who had been the one to get the hole in one.

"Oh, would you look at that," Preston sneered, standing with his mom. "I didn't know it was hobos golf free day."

"Preston," Stan growled.

"Well well well, if it isn't the Pines family," Preston said, walking over with his mom. He pointed at Ria. "Fat," at Mabel, "old-" at Ford, "freak-" finally, at Stan, "lame."

"Ria, would it be wrong to punch a child?" Mabel growled quietly.

"I've got this guys," Ford said. He then spoke to Preston. "Hey Preston, how's that whole 'your family being frauds' thing working out for you?"

"Great, actually!" Preston guffawed. "That's the thing about money. It makes problems go away."

"Well it can't buy you skill!" Stan smirked. "You just walked into the game of a mini-golf champion."

"Ha!" Preston snapped his fingers. "Sergei!" The man walked forward. "This is Sergei, my trainer."

"The Sportylmpics had mini-golf once. I took gold!" Sergei showed off the gold medal around his neck.

"So if you don't mind moving out of the way of the professionals," Preston said. "Hmpf..." He walked over to the bonus hole. "Hmm... hmm..." He hit the golf ball, scoring a hole in one and causing a huge explosion. Preston took off his golfing glove as the others looked on in shock. "Enjoy second place. Give him a hand, folks!"

Preston began to walk away.

"Remember when we were like them?" Pacifica asked Mabel.

"Oh yeah?!" Stan yelled at the retreating Preston. "Well... I want a rematch! You... you WALKING ONE-DIMENSIONAL FAKE-BRUNET SPOILED RICH KID STEREOTYPE!"

The crowd gasped in shock. Preston glared angrily, stomping over to Stan.

"Let's do this, then," Preston snapped. The sky began to cloud over as the two boys glared at each other.

"Here ye, here ye!" The Mattress Princess drove over in the golf cart from earlier. "Honk honk!" She drove into a lamp post a couple time, breaking off one of the wings on the cart. "Stop at once! The park is now closed due to weather! The queen of mini golf has spoken!" She backed into the post, causing the cart to fall over onto its side. "Ahh! The queen is down!"

"This isn't over," Preston snapped at Stan. "You. Me. Midnight. We'll see who's best."

"I'll be here," Stan narrowed his eyes. Lightning flashed across the sky as it began to rain. Preston and Pacifica each opened an umbrella, walking off. Sergei ran after them. "I'll be here..."

\-----

The Pines family, plus Ria, sat inside at a booth in the _Hermanos Brothers Diner._ Stan sat with his head on the table, looking out the window sadly. He opened his mouth, and Ford fed him a chip. He did it a second time, and Ford fed him a second chip.

"Well, time to cross mini golf off my talents list," Stan sighed sadly.

"Aw, don't give up, Stan," Ria said.

"Yeah! If you beat Preston at this, he can never rag on you again!" Ford smiled. "Think about it!"

Stan seemed to brighten slightly.

_Stan and Preston were in a clothes store._

_"Um, the section for ugly grandpa clothes is over there,"_ _Preston_ _pointed with a sneer._

_"Oh yeah?" Stan folded his arm. "Well the_ _section_ _for people who lost at mini golf is_ _OVER_ _THERE!"_

_Stan pointed at the exit._

_"You got ROASTED, sucka!" Bella_ _appeared_ _in_ _the_ _doorway_ _._

_"_ _I'm_ _ruined!" Preston gasped._

Stan smiled, standing up on the table.

"You're right, guys!" He said happily. "I just need to get in a little more practice before midnight."

"Going to the golf course after dark?" Mabel asked, munching on a taco. "I don't know, we'd have to break in, and- just kidding let's break in!"

\-----

Mabel's car broke through the toll at the golf course. They all stepped out of the car, and Ria kept watch while Mabel pried nails out of a wooden board in the fence. She removed the board, allowing the twins to crawl through the hole.

"Oh Stan, wait," Mabel said. The boy turned around in time for Mabel to stick a trophy sticker with the words 'U DA BEST' on his shirt. "Knock him dead, kiddo."

She gave Stan a thumbs up, and he smiled, returning it.

\-----

Inside, Stan was practicing at the windmill hole. He hit a golf ball, but missed. It landed among the many other golf balls.

"Arg, dang it!" Stan groaned, throwing his club to the ground.

"Ugh, I don't get it," Ford frowned. "What is wrong with this hole?" He put his ear to the windmill, hearing clanking coming from inside. He gasped, taking a step back. "Did you hear that?"

"What? What's up?" Stan asked.

"Grab your club," Ford whispered.

The two boys grabbed their golf clubs, holding them as weapons. The twins nodded at each other, and Ford slowly lifted up the panel on the windmill. He revealed a bunch of living golf balls working in a Dutch-themed room. The golf balls gasped upon seeing the twins. They screamed, causing the twins to scream, making the golf balls scream again. The twins screamed another time, holding up their golf clubs, and the balls screamed louder still, huddling together. Stan and Ford looked at each other.

"W-we good?" A blue ball asked, stepping forward. The twins nodded. "Alright then! Hi, hello. I'm Franz, and welcome to our home!"

"What is this?" Ford asked, confused.

"Yeah, are you guys tiny humans, or giant mini-humans?" Stan asked.

"Neither! We're Lilli _putt_ ians!" Franz smiled. "Lilli- Lilliputt- the name makes more sense written out than spoken. And we control the balls! Behold!"

The side of the windmill opened up, revealing a complex system machine. The Lilliputtians were pushing levers and moving a golf ball around until finally, it rolled out of the center hole in the windmill and into the hole in the grass.

"That's amazing!" Stan gasped.

"And so needlessly complicated," Ford added.

"Aw shucks, it's only our lifelong passion," Franz smiled. "Would you like us to elaborate through song?"

The Lilliputtians gathered together, preparing to sing.

"Eh, we're good," Stan said. The tiny people groaned in disappointment, walking away.

"So what are you hugelings doing here?" Franz asked, looking up at the twins.

"We're here to play a golf tournament against my rival, Preston," Stan explained. The Lilliputtians gasped and muttered angrily.

"Oh, we know all about rivals," Franz said.

"Put a clog in it, ya windmill-lubbers!"

The pirate ship on another hole lit up, showing a gathering of Pirate-themed Lilliputtians.

"These frilly bottom popinjays are terrible at controllin' the balls!" The pirate leader yelled, drawing his sword. "We are the ball masters, says I! Argh!"

The rest of the pirates mumbled in agreement.

"Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates!" The French Lilliputtian leader shouted. The Eiffel Tower hole lit up. "Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!"

" _Je ne sais quoi. Sacrebleu. Au revoir_!" A French Lilliputtian said, which translated to 'I don't actually know French!'

"Stay you comments, ye churlish Frenchmen!" The head knight at the castle hole spoke up. He removed his helmet, shaking out his hair. "None control the balls better than the knights of," he noticed the graffiti Stacey had spray-painted earlier, "Wieners Castle? Who wrote this?"

"We'll settle which hole is best," Franz spat. He held up a miniature pencil. "ATTACK!"

"Ooh, I'm shiverin' in me timbers," the pirate leader said sarcastically. "Get them!"

The pirate Lilliputtians yelled, swinging off the the ship. Pretty soon, an all-out feud started between all the Lilliputtian clans.

"Fight fight fight!" Stan cheered.

"Lee, why are you condoning this?!" Ford asked.

"Come on Sixer, fighting is fun to watch!" Stan laughed.

"Everybody calm down!" Ford shouted. "Stop fighting! It's actually kind of cute..."

"Cute we are, hugeling," Franz said. He walked up to the twins, bruised and battered, "but our tale less so. Every hole in the park thinks they're superior, from the cowboys in the east to the grimy miners of the south. If only there was some way to decide which side is best, with... maybe... an award, or, like a trophy, I dunno."

"But Franz, look!" The French Lilliputtian pointed at Stan's sticker.

"The sticker! The sticker could decide!" Franz said happily.

"It does say 'ze best' on it," The French Lilliputtian smiled.

"Decide for us, hugeling!" The knight Lilliputtian said. "Choose which mini-kingdom to give a sticker to, and end our war!"

The Lilliputtians cheered loudly.

"Hm, so you _all_ want the stucker, eh?" Stan smirked. "Alright then. Tell you what. Whoever does the best job of helping me beat Preston in our golf tournament wins the sticker."

"What? _Stan!_ " Ford hissed.

"It'll be us, lad," the pirate leader nodded. "Not these tulip-munchers."

"I will not be insulted by a man with no depth perception wearing earrings!" Franz yelled.

"Just remember, a-as long as you're helping us, no fighting," Ford added. The Lilliputtians smiled and glanced around at each other.

\-----

Mabel and Ria sat in the car out in the parking lot. Ria was still cutting Ws into her shirts.

"Girl dude, I'm cutting Ws into all my shirts," Ria smiled. "Gotta give the public what they want!"

"Well, the kids are taking their time in there," Mabel said. "Looks like it might be a while."

She turned on the radio to calm music. Ria took off her shirt, leaving only her bra, and began to cut along the neck. Mabel laid back in her seat, sighing. She closed her eyes, but then looked over at Ria, who had reclined next to her.

"Sure are a lot of stars out tonight," Ria smiled.

"Well, this is getting weird," Mabel said, sitting up. She stepped out of the car, leaving Ria inside.

The Northwest's car pulled up. Preston and Pacifica were sitting inside.

"Now remember, Preston," Pacifica began. "Winning is everything."

"Mom, I've been practicing for like, a million hours," Preston rolled his eyes. "I've got this. You'll stay to watch, right?"

"Preston, darling, I have a party to go to," Pacifica said, looking in a mirror. "I'll just read about your victory in the paper."

Preston stepped out of the car.

"Sergei," he snapped his fingers. The man got out of the trunk, grabbing the golf bag.

"Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing," Pacifica said, leaning out of the window. "You're a Northwest. _Don't_ _lose._ "

The car drove off as Preston and Sergei entered the golf park.

"How much do you want to bet they're no-shows?" Preston asked. A row of lights lit up, revealing Stan and Ford.

"Looking for someone?" Stan asked with a smirk.

"Waiting in the dark, not creepy at all," Preston said sarcastically. "Honestly, I don't know why you bothered to come. Unless you've got something up your sleeves."

"Oh, you could say we've got a _little_ something," Stan winked, nudging Ford with his elbow. A Lilliputtian peeked out from Stan's sleeve, and he shoved it back in. The twins laughed nervously.

The group moved to the first hole. Sergei stood in front of Stan and Preston.

"Eighteen holes. Standard rules," Sergei said. "Winner lives in glory, loser wallows in eternal shame. On your mark... get set..." he shot a blank gun, "mini golf!"

\-----

At the cowboy hole, Preston putted, hitting the golf ball. The cowboy Lilliputtians climb out of a mini covered wagon. They moved it to block his ball. Then Stan putted. The Lilliputtians moved the grass to push his golf ball towards the hole. A cowboy shot at the ball from the mini water tower, shooting it into the hole. Stan gave them a thumbs up. The cowboys turned to mock the pirates, who growled.

\-----

At the pirate hole, Stan hit his ball into the pirate ship. The pirate Lilliputtians shot the golf ball out of a cannon and into the hole.

"Out of the way!" Preston snapped, shoving Stan aside. He smacked the golf ball with his club, but it shot right back at him, landing in his mouth. Preston growled, spitting the ball out. "Are you _serious_?!"

The pirate Lilliputtians cheered. They poked holes in the side of a Root Beer can, drinking the soda. One pirate raised the flag.

\-----

At the miner hole, Stan putted, and his ball rolled into the mine.

"Haha, miner hole," Ford chuckled, holding the score sheet and a mini pencil. "I wonder what cute, silly things are going on down there."

\-----

The golf ball rolled down the mine, landing in a mine cart. Two miner Lilliputtians prepared to push the cart along the tracks.

"Stop! You can't go in there!" A third miner cried, running up. "There's been a gas leak! Anyone who goes in there will _DIE_!"

The miners grouped together, looking scared. The crowd parted as a large Lilliputtian approached.

"I'll take it," he said.

"No! Don't go, Big Henry!" A little girl sobbed, running up and hugging him. "We need you here!"

"Go home, Polly," Big Henry said. He pushed the cart into the mine, leaving the others to stare after him. He walked through the gas, sweating and breathing heavily.

\-----

Up outside, Stan and Preston stood silently, waiting for the golf ball. Stan coughed awkwardly, and Preston checked his watch.

\-----

Big Henry was still walking through the mine. He slapped himself.

"Come on, Big Henry," he spoke. "You can do this."

He reached the end of the track, and struggled to push a button on an elevator, sending the golf ball up. He gasped, collapsing besides the track. He pulled out a drawing of him and Polly. He smiled, his eyes filling with tears, before he groaned and stopped moving.

 

\-----

The golf ball rolled out of the mine and into the hole.

"What?!" Preston yelled. He threw his club, which Sergei caught. "Sergei! Soda! Now!"

The twins watched as the two of them walked off. Stan lifted up the lid of the miner hole.

"Ok, guys, _that_ was amazing," he smiled.

"Hey, little high sixes, everyone," Ford said, holding out a finger. "Little high sixes all around." He gave each Lilliputtian a high six. "Nice one... You did it... You're the man."

"I don't wanna call it out early, but I think the _miners_ might have one of _these_ in their future!" Stan said, pointing to the sticker. The miner Lilliputtians cheered.

\-----

Franz watched the scene from the window in the windmill, looking through a telescope.

"Are you kidding me?!" He yelled. "After everything we worked for!"

"Calm yourself, Franz," a second Lilliputtian said. "There may be another way to win the hugeling's favor. Knock on wood."

The two knocked on their wooden shoes.

\-----

Preston was sitting on a bench while Sergei got a Pitt Cola from a nearby vending machine.

"There's something going on, Sergei," Preston said. "I can feel it."

"Maybe they have little people who control where the balls go," Sergei said, handing Preston the soda.

"Hoo, we gotta get you English lessons," Preston said. "I mean, think about it. I'm globally ranked. It's ridiculous that he's beating me!" Neither of them noticed a small figure darting to hide behind the bush. Preston took a sip of the Putt Cola and spat out the pit. "Ew, Pitt Cola. I always forget about the pit. Get me a new one, Sergei."

Sergei faced the vending machine to get another soda. A tiny hand tapped Preston's shoulder and he was dragged into the bush. Sergei turned around, seeing that the boy was missing.

"This is bad."

\-----

The twins were standing by the course. Ford was tallying up the scores.

"I can't wait to see the look on Preston's face when we win," Ford chuckled. "I bet it'll be something like 'ugh'." He made a disgusted face. "You know how he does that? 'Ugh'."

"Hey bro?" Stan said, fiddling with his club. "Do you think I'm a bad person for feeling good that he feels bad?"

"Ah, just enjoy your victory, Lee," Ford said. "A little loss never hurt anybody."

The twins heard a scream coming from Preston. The rich boy was tied down in front of the windmill, surrounded by the Dutch Lilliputtians.

"What's going on?!" Preston yelled. "Let me go!"

The twins screamed. The Lilliputtian from earlier popped out of Stan's sleeve, also screaming.

"What did I miss?" It asked.

"Let me go, you freaks!" Preston yelled.

"Welcome twins, welcome!" Franz smiled. "I can tell you're loving this, right? Right? No?"

"What are you guys doing?!" Stan cried.

"This wasn't part of the deal, tiny Dutchman!" Ford glared.

"Ok, so we saw how much you were favoring the miners, and we thought 'What's better than beating Preston?'" Franz blew a raspberry, slapping his forehead. "Killing him! Right?"

"Yeah right!" Preston snapped, struggling against the rope. "I'm calling my mom! Where's my phone?!"

The Lilliputtians giggled as they typed out a text message reading 'U R DUMM!' on Preston's phone.

"Hehe, send," sne Dutchman said, pressing the button.

"Hey, HEY!" Preston shouted.

"So how's about it, hugeling?" Franz asked with a smile. "Who's 'da best' now?"

"Not so fast, landlubber!" The pirate captain yelled. A light shone on the pirate ship, showing that they had captured Sergei. "If you're going to play dirty, so are we. Now give us the sticker, or he walks the plank!"

"No, give us ze sticker!" A French Lilliputtian yelled.

"The miners! Give it to the miners!" The miner Lilliputtians clambered. All of the Lilliputtians fought and yelled for the sticker, pressuring Stan until he screamed.

"ENOUGH!" He yelled, silencing the entire park. "You know what? You know what? _No one_ gets the sticker!"

" _Sacre-boooo!_ "

The Lilliputtians began to boo him.

"No, no. Nuh-uh. No booing- stop, no!" Stan said angrily. "No one gets the sticker cuz you're all being jerks! I mean, why can't you all just get along?"

There was a pause.

"Because we hate each other!" A Dutch Lilliputtian spoke up.

"That's kind of how rivalries work, lad," the pirate captain said.

"Well then, maybe..." Stan looked at Preston, "maybe rivalries are dumb. Maybe you don't settle them with petty competition. Maybe the only way to be 'da best' is to stop fighting and work together!"

Stan peeled the sticker off his shirt, balled it up, and ate it.

"Lee, did you really just...?" Ford trailed off. The Lilliputtians gasped and mumbled quietly to each other.

"It's all so clear," s Dutchman said.

"If we work together..." Franz began.

"Then we can cut open his belly and get the stickar!" The pirate captain finished, brandishing a mini sword. The Lilliputtians cheered, rushing forward.

"Get ze boy! Slice him open!" A French Lilliputtian yelled.

"Uh, I don't think you guys are getting the point, here," Stan said nervously. As the Lilliputtians ran by, they accidentally flipped a lever. Preston, still tied to the ground, started moving towards the now-spinning blades of the windmill. He screamed, trying to break free of the ropes with little success.

"We have to get out of here!" Ford yelled, looking at the exit. Stan looked back at Preston.

"I have to save Preston first!" The younger twin shouted. He climbed up a lamp post, followed by the hoard of Lilliputtians. He swung along a string of lights, landing beside Preston and dodging the miniature pencils.

"Ahh! Mister Stanford!" Sergei cried, about to fall off the plank. " _Het! Het!_ "

"Don't worry, man!" Ford called. "The water is shallow! There's no way to drown!" Sergei fell face-first into the water. "Seriously?"

"Ugh, took you long enough," Preston complained as Stan untied him. "And watch the rings! They're worth more than your house!"

"I could still not untie you, ya know," Stan glared. Preston's eyes widened.

"Untie me! Untie me!" He cried fearfully.

"That's what I thought," Stan said angrily. He pulled Preston free and grabbed his golf club. The two boys were now surrounded by Lilliputtians.

"We have you at miniat-ARR pencil point!" The pirate captain growled. "There's no way around us!"

"You ready to putt?" Stan asked with a smirk.

"Way ahead of you," Preston said, kicking his club up and grabbing it. The two of them began to swing at the Lilliputtians. "You know, you're not half bad. A little rusty, but-"

"Just shut up and putt!" Stan shouted. They hit the Lilliputtians out of the way as Ford and Sergei rode up on the golf cart.

"Get on, get on!" Ford urdged. Stan and Preston jumped onto the cart.

"Floor it!" Stan ordered, and Ford did so, speeding off.

"Don't let them escape!" The pirate captain yelled.

Ford drove towards the exit. The knight Lilliputtians cut a string, releasing a pair of swinging axes in front of the gate. Ford drove faster and they zoomed through the door, doing a loop-de-loop and causing Sergei to fall off.

"Sergei overboard!" The man yelled.

"...I'll buy a new one," Preston said after a moment.

"They're locking us in!" Ford cried, seeing the Lilliputtians trying to close the doors. A pencil tip poked through the top of the cart. Stan grunted, climbing up onto the roof of the golf cart where Franz stood.

"Don't even think about it," Franz growled, holding a miniature pencil. "You call yourself a golfer? Without us, that club is useless in your hands!"

"Oh yeah? Well what's two plus two?" Stan asked.

"Two plus...? Uh, hold on," Franz murmured.

"FOUR!" Stan yelled, smacking Franz into the bonus hole. The fake volcano glowed, shooting up a column of fake lava. The golf cart rode on the lava through the door, skidding to a halt in the parking lot. The cart fell apart as the doors slammed shut. Pencils and even an axe poked through the doors.

"And _stay_ _out_ , you dumb hugelings!" Franz yelled. Golf balls were thrown over the wall.

"What did you say, you little trolls?!" Preston yelled. He stomped towards the closed doors. "I will sue you! I will sue you, and I will _own_ you!"

He punched the door, breathing heavily. He spun around to face the twins.

"You two!" He snapped. "I don't know what you did or what's going on, but if you think just because you saved my life I-"

Stan pulled out an 'I a-PAW-logize' sticker his aunt had given him and handed it over to Preston.

"I'm sorry, Preston," Stan said, shuffling his feet. "We shouldn't have cheated. You would have beaten me. Fair and square."

He smiled at Preston, who frowned slightly and put the sticker on his shirt.

"You're just lucky this sticker looks _fantastic_ on me," he said, folding his arms. Mabel and Ria pulled up in the car. The twins climbed into the back seat, looking at Preston. Stan looked at Ford, who shook his head.

"Hey! Your mom isn't here," Stan called to Preston. "You need a ride home?"

"As if I would ride in your-" Preston was cut off by the sound of thunder.

\-----

Preston was sitting between the twins in the back seat of Mabel's car. The older woman was up front with Ria, singing a song.

" _Singing the driving song,_ " Mabel hummed. " _Headlights_ _are out._ _Can't_ _really see where_ _I'm_ _going._ "

Preston visibly cringed at the singing. His gloved hand rested on a sticky spot on the seat.

"Ew!" He said, pulling his hand away. Stan was reaching behind him.

"Hey, I found two tacos!" The boy smiled, taking a bite out of one.

"You're allowed to eat in the car?" Preston asked with surprise.

"Yeah, the car is where secret surprise snacks happen," Stan said.

"Although he shouldn't be eating those, because it's unsanitary," Ford said.

"Aw, quit being a stick in the mud, Sixer," Stan rolled his eyes and held the second taco out to Preston. "You want one?"

"Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts," Preston denied.

"'Handouts'?" Stan raised an eyebrow. "It's called sharing! You... you _do_ know what sharing is, right?"

"Sha-shaawing?" Preston tried to say.

"Just take it," Stan handed the taco to Preston.

\-----

They pulled up to Northwest Manor, and Preston stepped out of the car.

"Thanks for the ride, or whatever," Preston said, waving his hand. "Oh, and Stan? I uh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I had fun." He smiled. "And tell your maid I like her w-neck!"

"Yes!" Ria smiled. The flap of the W fell down.

"So are you guys, like, cool now?" Ford asked.

"I think we made some progress," Stan said. "The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, he's just an ordinary kid like us."

The gates of the manor swung open, revealing a garden complete with fountains and peacocks. Fireworks that read 'Congrats Preston!' went off.

"...Should have charged him for that taco."

"Agreed!"

"Hey, you got anymore of those surprise tacos?" Mabel asked with a laugh. The family drove off. Unbeknownst to them, Franz was riding on the back of the car.

"Laugh now, hugelings, but Franz will have his day!" The Lilliputtian said. "Franz will-" He fell off the car, landing upside-down in some sand. "Ah, help! Sand trap, ow, ow!"  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
The Lilliputtians were singing a song together back at the park.

" _We control the balls! We control the balls! From Birmingham to Montreal, we control the balls!"_

A miner Lilliputtian stepped forward.

"Hey guys, I figured it out!" He said. "We control the balls!"

"Now he gets it!" A second Lilliputtian stepped forward.

"Oh, you guys!" The miner laughed.

_"Our lives are filled with nonstop fun! But there's nothing like a hole in one!"_

The struck a finishing pose. Sergei, who was sitting in front of them, clapped.

"Can I go now?" He asked.

"NEVER!"


	4. Sock Opera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's once again the weed number of chapters (4/20) and this time Stan tries to impress a girl by not being himself. Also, Ford shows just how dumb he is by making a deal with a LITERAL demon.

The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford were at the library together. They sat at a table in the back. Fiddleford was holding the laptop they had found in the bunker.

"Today's the big day, guys," Ford said.

"Big day!" Stan repeated.

"Ah finally fixed up the laptop," Fiddleford smiled, setting the device on the table.

"If this works, we could finally learn the identity of the author and unravel the greatest mysteries of Gravity Falls," Ford said excitedly/ "Is everybody ready?"

" _Sí_ ," Bella nodded.

"Yup," Fiddleford agreed.

"I'm ready, baby," Stan said. He held up a pop-up book and opened to a page with a baby on it.

 _"Ma-ma," t_ he baby said. Ford began to power up the laptop. The four friends watched as it turned on.

"This is it, this is it!" Ford said. The screen of the laptop read 'Welcome'. "Ha! We did it!"

"It worked!" Bella cheered. An alarm sounded from the laptop, and the screen read '//UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS FORBIDDEN//' and then the words 'Enter Password' appeared with six dashes underneath it.

"Ugh, of course," Ford groaned. "A password."

"Don't worry, Sixer," Stan smiled. "With you and Fiddlenerd's brains and my _laser focus_ , nothing can distract us from-" He stopped mid-sentence, looking around the library. "Do you hear that?"

"It sounds like music," Bella said. They looked towards a girl putting on a puppet show for the younger kids. She had a blonde ponytail and a black shirt and pants.

" _All my life I've been dreamin' of a love that's right for me,_ " the girl sung. " _And now I finally know his name and it's..._ sing it with me, kids."

" _Literacy!_ " The kids sung with her.

"Haha, same," Bella laughed.

"I finally understand what all the buzz is about," the bee puppet said. "Reading!

"Give me some of that honey!" The book puppet said. The girl made the two of them kiss, laughing. Stan stared at her, a lovestruck look on his face. He held up the pop-up book, opening the page with a heart.

"Ba-bump. Ba-bump," he said.

"Oh boy," Ford frowned.

"Not again," Bella sighed.

"Haha, thank you, thank you," the girl chuckled.

"Just when I was getting over Darlene, of course _you_ show up in my life," Stan said, looking at the girl.

"Ah thought Darlene was the siren," Fiddleford frowned.

"She was," Ford said, walking over to a bookshelf. He pulled out a book and flipped through it. "Ok, this cryptology book says that there's 7.2 million six-letter words. I'll type, you guys read." Ford looked up to see Stan's chair spinning. "Where'd Lee go?"

\-----

" _That's why we don't stick our hands in other people's mouths!_ " The girl sung. "Hey, I'm Gabrielle Benson, y'all. Good night!" The kids left the library with their parents. The girl, Gabrielle, spoke to her puppets. "Hey, good job today, you guys."

"You were late on your cue," the 'book puppet' said.

"WHAT?" The bee puppet exclaimed.

"Hey hey, be nice," Gabrielle scolded. "We're all stars here."

Stan rolled up on top of a book cart.

"Hey! Guess who's Stan!" The boy smiled. "I am. Care to learn more?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "I bet you do. You like to learn. AHH!" Stan yelled as he fell off the book cart, knocking a stand to the ground. He stood up, walking over to Gabrielle. "And I'm up!"

"Oh hey, I'm Gabrielle," she introduced herself. The bee puppet shook hands with Stan. "Daughter of the master of puppets. Nice to meet you."

"You're amazing with those puppets," Stan whispered in awe.

"Really?" Gabrielle smiled, then looked away sadly. "A lot of people think puppets are dumb, or just for kids."

"Are you kidding me?" Stan asked. "I'm puppet _crazy_! People call me Puppet-Crazy-Stanley."

"Really?" Gabrielle smiled again. "People used to call me Puppet-Crazy-Gabrielle! So when's your next puppet show?"

"My huh?" Stan said, confused.

"I mean, you can't _truly_ love puppets unless you're throwing puppet shows," Gabrielle said as though it were obvious.

"Uh, yeah, right!" Stan agreed. "Yeah, I'm _totally_ working on a puppet show!"

"Oh, what are the details?" Gabrielle asked. Stan's eyes widened nervously.

"There are _soooo_ many details..." he stalled.

\-----

Ford sat at the laptop, typing in 'PSSWRD'. The laptop buzzed, indicating he was wrong.

"Huh," he frowned. He flipped a page in the book. "Hey guys, if you were to make a password for something really important, what would you type?"

"Probably the name of my crush," Fiddleford shrugged.

"Definitely my favorite cartoon," Bella said. Stan walked over and sat down nervously.

"So, how'd it go?" Ford asked the younger twin.

"Ford, how hard do you think it would be to write and compose a sock puppet rock opera with lights, original music, and live pyrotechnics by Friday?" Stan asked. The laptop buzzed again.

"What?" Bella looked at Stan, shocked.

"Lee, are you serious?!" Ford cried, grabbing Stan.

"I don't know what happened!" Stan panicked. "I got lost in her eyes and her ponytail; I'm gonna be so embarrassed if I don't have ANYTHING on Friday!"

"That actually sounds a lot more fun than this," Bella said. "I'll help."

"What about crackin' the password?" Fiddleford asked.

"Yeah, what about the Mystery team?" Ford added.

"If you help me with this for JUST a couple of days, I promise I'll help with the password," Stan begged. "Please?!" He then added in a whisper. "It's for love, Ford."

"Well, alright-" Ford sighed.

"YES! THANK YOU!" Stan cheered loudly. He pointed at Ford. "THIS GUY! HE'S NUMBER ONE!"

"Ok ok, ssh," Ford shushed him. "Public library, Stanley." The four friends left the library, Ford carrying the laptop. "Man, I can't wait to get to the bottom of this laptop. We're close to something big here, I can feel it."

A familiar-looking shadow followed behind the group on the wall.

\-----

Over the next few days, Ford, Bella, and Fiddleford helped Stan with making sock puppets and preparing for the opera. Ford and Fiddleford took turns trying to figure out the password, but most of the time it was Ford trying to crack it.

The twins, Dan, Ria, Bella, Fiddleford, and Gompers sat in the living room. Gompers had a sock on each of his ears. The group of friends were working on making puppets.

"Alright, the show is going to be called _Glove_ _Story: A_ _Sock_ _Opera_ ," Stan said, sitting in front of a keyboard, a sock puppet on each hand.

"That's two puns at once!" Bella smiled.

"Just a warning, people's eyes _will_ get wet," Stan said, "Because they'll be crying. From laughing! From how _tragic_ it is."

"Yeah, that's, um," Ford was trying to pull a glued-on sock puppet off of his face, "that's great."

He coughed up a pair of pompoms.

"Come on, Ford," Dan chuckled. "You just gotta roll with Stan's craziness. It's what makes life worth living."

Stan started playing a tune on the keyboard, looking at a picture of Gabrielle (that he somehow had).

" _Puppet girl, puppet girl,_ _you're_ _the girl I,_ " Stan sung. Everyone else except for Bella sung along to the next line, " _looooooooooove!_ "

Fiddleford noticed Bella, who was looking sadly at the sock puppets on the floor in front of her.

"Hey, it's alright," he said quietly, setting a hand on her back. "Trust me, this is just another crush phase'a his."

Mabel walked past the room, holding a cup of Mabel Juice.

"What's going on in here?" She asked, stopping in the doorway.

"I'm putting on a puppet rock opera to impress a girl I like!" Stan explained with a smile.

"Ooh, good luck," Mabel smiled back. "I'm sure it'll be amazing."

\-----

That night, Stan was getting into bed. Sock puppets surrounded him, and two puppets- puppet Stan and puppet Gabrielle- were sitting on the back of the bed.

"Goodnight, my babies," Stan smiled. He took the Gabrielle puppet and made it kiss puppet Stan. "Mwah! Soon, Gabrielle Benson..."

Stan looked over across the room at the sound of the laptop buzzing. Ford was sitting on his bed, surrounded by papers. He was typing on the laptop.

"Ugh, wrong password," Ford groaned. "Wrong, WRONG!"

He groaned, collapsing backwards on his bed.

"Don't stay up too late, Ford," Stan warned. "Last time you got this sleep deprived you started to hear voices."

Ford shook his head, clearing the distant sounds of whispering he had heard.

"Just a few more tries," he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes.

\-----

Ford was sitting on the roof of the shack, trying to figure out the password. The laptop buzzed again, making Ford groan.

"I can't take that sound anymore!" He groaned, and started pounding on the key board. "I. Hate. You. Sound!" He yawned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "There has to be some shortcut or clue. Who would know about secret codes?"

The wind started to pick up, slamming the laptop shut. Ford stood up, gathering his jacket around him. He looked around and turned back to face the moon. A black line was shining on it, and blue bricks formed around it in a triangle. The bricks turned into none other than Bill Cipher as the color drained from the world.

"I think I know a guy!" Bill announced, his voice echoing. Ford gasped. Bill floated down to him, twirling a golden cane. "Well well well, you're awfully persistent, Sixer. Hats off to you!"

Bill took his top hat off, making the world tip sideways. Ford yelled as he fell along the roof, then landed with a THUD when Bill put his hat back on.

"You again!" Ford yelled, pointing angrily at Bill.

"Did you miss me?" Bill asked. "Admit it, you missed me!"

"Hardly!" Ford snapped. "You worked with Buddy; you tried to destroy my aunt's mind!"

Bill floated up behind Ford.

"It was just a _job_ , kid," Bill said. "No hard feelings! I've been keeping an **EYE ON YOU** since then, and I must say, I'm impressed!"

"Really?" Ford asked, his face lighting up.

"You deserve a prize!" Bill said thoughtfully. "Here, have a head that's always screaming!"

He clapped his hands together and a screaming head appeared. Bill laughed as Ford jumped backwards in fear. Bill snapped his fingers and the head disappeared layer by layer. Bill sat down on the edge of the roof.

"The point is I like you," he said, pushing Ford towards him. "How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small," his eye turned blue and his hand lit on fire, " **favor** in return."

"I'd never make a deal with you!" Ford yelled. "Don't forget who defeated you last time!"

Bill appeared behind Ford again.

"Right, you 'defeated' me," Bill said, making finger quotes. "Well if you ever change your _mind,_ " he lifted a blue see-through brain out of Ford's head, "I'll be here for you, ready to make a deal!" He moved his arm like a slot machine handle, and three spinning slots appeared on his surface. They all landed on a six-fingered hand. "Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds?"

Bill screamed, waving his arms around.

Ford woke up, doing the same thing. He shuddered, looking around at the now-colored world.

\-----

Stan and Mabel were sitting in the kitchen. Mabel was reading the newspaper and holding a cup of Mabel Juice.

" _Hey,_ _I'm_ _puppet Mabel!_ " Stan said, waving the Mabel puppet in the woman's face. She chuckled.

"You did a pretty good job on those puppets, kiddo," she smiled. Ford walked into the room, yawning.

"Hey Stan," he yawned.

"Woah, bag check for Ford's eyes," Stan joked. "Nobody?" He sighed. "Ford, I told you to get some sleep last night."

"Here, wake up with some Mabel Juice," Mabel said, holding out the pitcher. "It's got plastic dinosaurs in it!"

"It's like if coffee and nightmares had a baby," Stan shuddered. Ford pulled him into the hallway, speaking in a hushed voice.

"Lee, last night I had a dream with Bill in it," Ford told him.

"Wait, hold on. The triangle guy?" Stan asked, making a triangle around his eye with his fingers.

"He said he'd give me the code to the laptop if I gave him something," Ford explained. "Like I'd actually _trust_ Bill, right?"

"Don't worry bro, today I'm gonna start helping with the laptop," Stan promised. "I just have to hand my puppet stuff over to my production crew."

"Production crew?" Ford raised an eyebrow.

\-----

Bella and Fiddleford stood outside, holding the boxes of sock puppets.

"We read the script. Very emotional," Fiddleford said, adjusting his glasses.

"I cried like eight times!" Bella said.

"Hey gentlemen and lady," Gabrielle skated up to them wearing a helmet. Her bee and book puppets were still on her hands.

"Gabrielle!" Stan cried happily, running over.

"I was just riding by," Gabrielle said. "Helps me dry out my ponytail after a shower."

She took off her helmet, shaking her hair and sighing.

"My my..." Fiddleford whispered.

"It's so great to see you!" Stan said to Gabrielle. "I was just working on the world's greatest puppet show. It has puppets!"

"Your enthusiasm is so refreshing, Stan," Gabrielle smiled. "Unlike the boy from _last_ night's show. Single-stitch on one puppet, _cross-stitch_ on the other? I was like, nuh-uh!"

"Cross-huh?" Stan said, confused.

"Naturally I deleted him off my cell phone contacts list," Gabrielle scoffed.

" _Naturally_!" Stan laughed nervously.

"I know you won't let me down," Gabrielle said. "Based on what you said the other day, you must be a puppet expert."

"Yeah, I, uh, know a lot," Stan said nervously.

"Well, I should get going," Gabrielle said, putting her helmet back on. "Later guys."

She skated off. Stan screamed, turning around to face the others.

"We gotta up our game, guys!" He cried. "Did you hear that thing she said about the stitches?!"

"To be honest, I wasn't listening," Bella shrugged.

"Don' worry Stan, yer production crew can handle it," Fiddleford smiled, holding up his puppet. He accidentally tore the arms off. "Oops..."

"Wait, were we trying to make normal people?" Bella asked, holding up a sock puppet with lots of googly eyes. Nearby, Ria was trying to keep a pile of stuff in her truck.

"I got it, I got it!" She said. Suddenly, the supplies collapsed on her. "I'm not ok!"

Stan screamed.

"Ok, I'm back on fabrication!" He said, running towards the shack. "Get me my lint roller!"

"Woah woah, hey!" Ford said, catching Stan by the back of his shirt. "You just said you were gonna help me!"

"Ford!" Stan groaned. "This sock crisis was just bumped up to a code argyle! The laptop can wait!"

"Lee, do you seriously think that your random crush of the week is more important than uncovering the mysteries of this town?" Ford asked angrily. "You're obsessed!"

" _I'm_ obsessed?" Stan snapped, glaring at Ford. "Look at you! You look like a vampire!"

Ford rubbed away the bags under his eyes.

"But you said you were gonna help me today!" Ford said. Stan held up a sock puppet, speaking as it.

" _I can help you_ ," Stan said as the puppet. " _With tickles!_ "

Stan began to tickle Ford, who laughed before slapping Stan's hand away.

"Ok, fine!" Ford snapped. "I'll do it on my own! I don't need you. I don't need anyone!"

\-----

Ford sat in the attic, typing on the laptop. Every click resulted in a buzz.

"Password. Password. Stanley. Is. Useless," Ford yawned. "Oh man..."

" _Too many failed entries_ ," sounded from the computer. Ford's eyes widened. " _Initiating_ _data erase in five minutes._ "

"No! Nononono!" Ford panicked, grabbing at the screen. "I'm going to lose everything?! I only have one more try?!"

The room turned gray as Bill reappeared.

"Well well well, someone's looking desperate," Bill said.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone," Ford spat.

"I can help you, kid," Bill said, making a golden cane appear. "You just need to hear out my demands."

Ford glanced at the laptop, which had counted down to four minutes.

"Uh, what crazy thing do you want anyway?" Ford asked. "To eat my soul? To rip out my teeth? Are you gonna replace my eyes with baby heads or something?"

"Yeesh kid, relax!" Bill said. "All I want is a puppet!"

"A puppet?" Ford raised an eyebrow.

"Everybody loves puppets!" Bill said happily. The pile of puppets in the room glowed blue. "And looks to me like you've got a surplus."

"I don't know," Ford bit his lip. "Lee worked really hard on those."

"Seems to me like one little puppet is a small price to pay to learn all the secrets of the universe," Bill said, a picture of space flashing on his body. "Besides, what has your brother done for you lately? How many times have you sacrificed for him, huh? And when as he ever returned the favor?"

Scenes of Ford giving stuff up for Stan over the summer flashed onto Bill's body. Ford looked out the window at Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford, who were working on the puppets outside. He then looked at the laptop, which had only 30 seconds remaining.

"Tick tock, kid," Bill said, holding out a flaming hand.

"Uh, just one puppet?" Ford asked. "Deal!" He shook Bill's hand. "So what puppet are you gonna pick, anyway?"

"Hm, let's see," Bill said, glancing around. "Eenie, meenie, miney... **YOU!** "

Ford screamed in pain as his soul was ripped from his body and replaced by Bill. Ford floated above the floor, transparent.

"Wha-?" Ford put a hand through his stomach. "Oh no. T-this can't be happening! What did you do to my body?!"

Bill stood up in Ford's body, laughing. Ford's eyes were yellow and cat-like.

"Sorry kid, but you're my puppet now!" Bill laughed, smashing and stepping on the laptop.

"Oh my gosh," Ford panicked. "This can't be happening. This can't be happening!"

Bill stumbled around, laughing. He walked over to the mirror.

"Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body," Bill said. He slapped Ford's cheek, leaving a six-fingered hand print. "Whoo!" He slapped the other cheek. "Whoo! Haha, pain is hilarious! And six fingers? This thing's deluxe!" He examined Ford's eyes and mouth, then added in a whisper so Ford couldn't hear. "And no surprises like Pine Tree's body."

"Bill, you tricked me!" Ford cried. "What are you doing?!"

"Look kid, you've been getting way too close to figuring out some major answers," Bill said. "I've got big plans coming, and I don't need you gettin' in my way. Destroying that laptop was a cinch. Now I just need to destroy your journal. Race ya to the bottom of the stairs!"

Bill smiled, falling backwards down the stairs. Ford gasped, floating down into the living room. He steadied himself before floating through the wall and into the kitchen.

"Hey!" He stopped, seeing Bill reaching into the fridge. The dream demon pulled out a Pitt Cola, opening it.

"Human soda," Bill smiled widely. "I'm gonna drink it like a person!" He laughed as he poured the soda into Ford's mouth and over his eyes. "So where do you keep that journal, anyway?" Bill opened a drawing, sticking Ford's arm inside. "It's gotta be around here somewhere." He slammed the drawer on Ford's arm, his eye twitching slightly. "Boy, these arms are durable."

"I've hidden it!" Ford snapped. Bill rubbed Ford's chin thoughtfully, forks stuck in his arm. "Somewhere you'll never find it!"

"Hey Ford!" Stan called from the doorway. "IborrowedyourjournaltouseasapropintheshowIhopeyoudon'tmindI'm gonnagobeforeyouprocessthissentenceokayBYE!"

Stan hurried off, leaving Ford and Bill in the kitchen. Bill grinned evilly at a horrified Ford.

"Sure, sounds great, brother!" Bill called after Stan. "I'll see you at the show!"

Bill walked off, following after Stan.

"No, wait, Stanley! Don't listen to him!" Ford cried. "That's not me!" He flew after Stan, who was getting into the car. "You've gotta hear me!" He flew in front of the car, waving his arms. "No! Wait! Stop!"

He flinched as the car drove through him, leaving him and Bill alone.

"Ha, welcome to the Mindscape, kid!" Bill laughed. "Without a vessel to possess, you're basically a ghost!"

"Oh hey, Ford!" Ria called from the shack door, standing with Dan. "There you are."

"What up, dude?" Dan smiled.

"Ria! Dan! Help me!" Ford's words echoed as he flew through Ria, waving his arms. Unfortunately, his pleas fell on deaf ears.

"We're heading to the theater," Ria said to Bill.

"Need a ride, Ford?" Dan asked.

"Oh-ho, anything for you, Red," Bill smiled widely. He got in the car with Dan and Ria, struggling to buckle in his seat belt.

"I won't let you do this, Bill! I'll find the journal first!" Ford yelled. "I'll stop you!"

"But how can you stop me," Bill slowly turned to Ford, "if you don't exiiiiist?"

Bill laughed maniacally as the window rolled up, reflecting Ford's horrified face. The car drove off and Ford stared after it.

\-----

Ford flew out of a building in front of the _Theatre Time Theater._

"Bill? Bill!" Ford yelled. "I need to get my body back before he does something crazy with it."

He flew over to the theater, looking at the title of the show ( _Glove Story: A Sock Opera. By Stanley Pines)_ before flying into the theater. He saw Bill sitting front row between Dan and Ria, an arm around either of them.

"Aw, nothing like the theater, huh toots?" Bill said to Dan. He looked at Ria. "Hey Ria, wanna hear the exact time and date of your death?"

"Haha, ok!" Ria said excitedly. Stan ran up, a smile on his face.

"Guys, you all made it!" He said happily.

"Are you kidding? I would never miss... um, whatever this was," Mabel smiled.

"By the by, Stanley, where'd you put my journal again?" Bill asked, blinking one eye at a time.

"I used it as a prop for the wedding scene," Stan explained. "I still need a reverend, though."

"What if I play the reverend?" Bill volunteered. "I mean, someone's gotta hold that journal, right?"

"Right! Let's go!" Stan pulled Bill along by the hand, running behind stage with him.

"Oh no!" Ford cried. "Wait, Lee!"

Ford flew behind stage. Stan peeked through the curtain to see Gabrielle sitting down. The lights dimmed and began to flicker.

" _The show is about to start!_ " Bella said through the speakers. " _Please turn off your cell phones! Unless_ _you're_ _contacting a ghost. In_ _which_ _case, tell me!"_

The lights dimmed and the curtain opened to the applauding crowd. The set was the colorful and glittery Mystery Shack. Fiddleford stood off to the side behind a keyboard, dressed in weird clothes and makeup.

"Gather 'round, and let us sing, about a boy who had almost _everythin'_..." Fiddleford said. He was wheeled off the stage as a musical number began. A Ford puppet appeared.

" _Hey look,_ _it's_ _Stan!_ " The Ford puppet said. Puppet Stan showed up.

" _Hi there!_ " Puppet Stan said.

" _Did you say pan?_ " Puppet Ria asked.

" _No, he said Stan,_ " Puppet Mabel corrected. The puppets lined up.

"Ok, hit it, everyone!" Puppet Stan cheered. The puppets began to sing.

" _Who's_ _that boy with the goat and laces?_ _He_ _puts smiles on_ _everyone's_ _faces!_ "

Gabrielle smiled, nodding along to the song.

" _Whe_ _n he's around,_ _you're_ _never bored!_ "

" _I'm the mayor, and_ _here's_ _an award!_ "

" _Thank you, mayor,_ _it's_ _true_ _I'm_ _great,_ " Puppet Stan sung. " _But the_ _perfect_ _boy needs the perfect maaaate..._ "

The Gabrielle puppet was revealed, her hands on her hips.

" _Hey_ _what's_ _up,_ _I'm_ _Gabrielle._ "

" _WHAAA?!_ " The Stan puppet exclaimed. Heart-shaped glasses were placed over his eyes.

Backstage, Bella was standing and watching the show. Bill walked up to her, wearing a suit.

"So hey, Bello!" Bill grinned. "Where's that book prop I'm using for the wedding scene?"

"It's in the wedding cake," Bella informed, pointing up at wooden cake held up by ropes. "But that's not coming down until Act 3. Just be patient, k?"

"Oh I'll be patient," Bill said, backing away. "I will... you monster."

Bill walked off, being replaced by the (of course) invisible Ford.

"Hey! Listen!" Ford yelled. "Have you seen Lee?" Bella obviously didn't hear him. "Ugh, what did Bill say? Without a vessel, I'm basically a ghost?"

He remembered Bella saying something about the theater maybe being haunted. She had brought her recorder along, hoping to communicate with one.

 _The recorder!_ Ford thought with relief. He flew off to find where Bella had set it.

" _Finally, we're together,_ " Puppet Gabrielle said to Puppet Stan.

" _I'm_ _sorry, Gabrielle_ ," Puppet Stan said. " _But_ _I_ _have to go fight. In the war!_ "

A helmet landed on his head. He yelled and ran off into a chaotic background. A gigantic sock monster with lots of tentacles appeared with a roar. There were laser flashes, gunshots, and a mysterious fog.

" _I'll_ _wait for you, Stanley!_ " Puppet Gabrielle cried, beginning to sob. " _I'll_ _wait for youuu!_ "

The curtain closed and the audience cheered loudly.

" _Our intermission has begun!_ " Bella announced. " _Mill about!_ "

The audience roamed around the room, chatting to each other. Bella slipped off to find her recorder.

\-----

Stan was in his dressing room, hyping himself up for the rest of the show.

"Ok Stan, you can do this," he said to himself. "Only 36 more musical numbers."

He started drinking from the water fountain.

"STAN!" Bella yelled. Stan spat out the water, coughing. Bella looked worried and her hand was holding tightly onto her recorder. "Stan, I got something on the recorder! You might wanna hear this..."

"What is it?" Stan asked, concerned. He didn't think Bella would get _scared_ if a message showed up on that thing. If anything, she'd be _excited_! Bella pressed play on the recorder, letting Stan listen to the message.

" _Bella!_ _I'm_ _not sure if this will work, but_ _I_ _need your and_ _Stan's_ _help!_ " Ford's voice sounded from the device.

"Wha- FORD?!" Stan cried.

" _You_ _have_ _to listen! Bill tricked me. He stole my_ _body and now_ _he's_ _after the journal! You have to find the journal before Bill destroys it._ _It's_ _the only hope to get me back in my body!_ "

"What do we do?" Stan asked. "My cue is coming up soon!"

There was a knock on the door before Gabrielle entered.

"Stan? Do you have a moment?" She asked.

"GABRIELLE!" Stan yelled in shock, turning around. "Uh, yeah! I-I have a moment! Bella here was just, uh, leaving."

"What? STAN!" Bella cried as Stan shoved her out the door.

"Stan, it's clear to me now that you really love puppets," Gabrielle said. "I mean, you went whole hog. And if you stick the ending, well, maybe later you could join me for biscotti?"

"Yeah, that seems fun," Stan smiled nervously. The lights began to flicker.

"I'll be waiting," Gabrielle smiled and left, being replaced by an angry Bella.

"Did you hear that? She loves it!" Stan exclaimed happily. "This play _has_ to be flawless. Can't we wait until after the show?"

"Is he seriously doing this now?" Ford rolled his eyes, unseen by either of the other people in the room.

"Stan!" Bella glared. "Ugh, hold on!" She turned on her recorder, holding it out. "Ford, if you're in here- which you probably are, ya little stalker- can you try to talk some sense into your brother?"

After a minute, Bella played back the audio.

" _Stanley, do you really want me to be a ghost forever?!_ " Ford's voice yelled. " _This would be our only way to communicate! You have to get the journal! NOW!"_

"Alright, alright," Stan said. "Can you take over for me, Bella?"

"I'll do my best," Bella sighed. Stan quickly left the room, and soon the Ford puppet lifted up next to Bella.

" _Hey, turns out_ _I_ _can possess stuff_ ," the puppet said in Ford's voice. Bella screamed in shock.

\-----

Out on stage, Bella and Ford (though Bella couldn't see him, only hear him) were voicing the puppets.

" _Stan,_ _you're_ _back from the war!_ " The Gabrielle puppet said, voiced by Bella. Puppet Stan was sitting in a wheelchair.

" _Yes,_ _I_ _am_ ," Puppet Stan, voiced by Ford, said. " _Wanna kiss and sing at the same time?_ "

" _Ok!_ " Puppet Gabrielle said. Bella and Ford made the puppets kiss while making kissing sounds.

"Seriously?" Bella and Ford mumbled to themselves. The audience applauded.

Unknown to the crowd, Stan was climbing up to the catwalk. He ran along it, stopping at the cake held up by ropes. He looked into it, seeing the journal sitting inside. He climbed over the railed, standing on the edge of the catwalk and reaching for the journal.

"Come on... come on..." he yelled out as he slipped and fell into the cake. A rope broke and the cake began to plummet to the ground. Just before it hit the ground, it stopped and began to be pulled back up.

" _I hope this kiss never ends!_ " Puppet Gabrielle said.

"I wish this was me so bad," Bella whispered.

Stan sighed, relieved that he wasn't squished on the ground. He started flipping through the journal.

"Come on, there's gotta be someway to get Ford's body back," he said.

"Oh, but why would you want to do that?"

Stan gasped and looked up at Bill in Ford's body. He was pulling the cake back up, an unfitting, wicked grin adorning Ford's face.

"Bill Ford!" Stan's eyes narrowed. "Bord."

"Ssh! You wouldn't want to ruin the show..." Bill smirked, pointing back at Gabrielle. Stan frowned nervously. "Whoops!" Bill let the cake drop a few inches. "It's slipping! How about you hand that book over?"

"No way! This is Ford's!" Stan glared, hiding the book away. "I'd never give it to you!"

"Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you," Bill said, pulling the cake back up. "So come to your senses. Give me the book or your play is ruined!" Stan sighed sadly, beginning to hand over the book. "There it is." Bill smirked, reaching out for the journal. "I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb brother?"

Stan's eyes widened before they narrowed in determination.

" _Ford_ would," he growled. He suddenly pulled a surprised Bill into the cake, sending it spinning to the ground.

" _I now pronounce you man and wife!_ " Puppet Mabel said. Puppet Gabrielle and Puppet Stan stood on either side of her, dressed in a dress and suit. " _Gompers, the rings!_ "

Gompers appeared holding two rings in his mouth. Bella and Ford looked up at the sound of screaming.

"Huh?" Ford said. They saw the cake falling. "Oh no."

Puppets still on his hands, Ford pulled Bella aside right before the cake came crashing down. Stan and Bill tumbled out, wrestling for possession of the journal. The lasers went off as the stage filled with fog.

"Get out of my brother's body, you stupid nacho!" Stan snapped. He smacked Ford's face with the journal before running off. Bill grunted, standing up.

"You can't stop me!" He yelled. "I'm a being of pure energy with no weakness!"

He pinned Stan to the ground.

"True, but you're in Ford's body," Stan smirked. "And I know all of _his_ weaknesses!"

"What do you mean, his-" Bill began. Stan flipped over so he was on top and pinned Ford's arm behind his back. Bill yelled out in pain.

"Ford was always horrible at wrestling," Stan said.

"Lee! Be careful!" Ford cried, scared for his body. However, since he had abandoned the puppets, no one heard him.

"Ah! Ow!" Bill yelled. Stan shoved him to the ground, running off to the journal.

"Little note about the human body- _you_ haven't slept in over 24 hours," Stan said. Bill got up and began to chase him. "Also, I got a full night's sleep and I'm running on pure sugar!"

"Ah! What is this feeling?!" Bill cried, panting. "My body is burning! I can't move these stupid noodle legs!" He punched Ford's legs. "Curse you, useless flesh sticks! Body... shutting down... must... scratch... mosquito bites..."

Bill groaned as he collapsed on stage. He was launched out of Ford's body, the world turning gray.

"Woah woah woah, hey!"

Ford quickly reclaimed his body, slowly opening his eyes.

"Haha! Yes! I'm in my own body!" He cheered, standing up. "And it's... just as overwhelming as I remember." He winced, holding his back. "Oh, everything hurts."

"Guys, what the heck is goin' on out here?!" Fiddleford cried, running over. "Stan attackin' Stanferd, somethin' about the journal-"

"Bill tricked me and possessed my body," Ford explained/ "He was trying to get the journal."

"Luckily, my recorder saved the day!" Bella smiled, holding out the device. The four kids gasped as they heard Bill's laughter coming from the Ford puppet, which was sitting on a box.

"This isn't the last you'll hear of me!" Bill yelled. "Big things are coming! You can't stop me!"

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle," Stan said quietly.

He pressed a button on a remote labeled 'BIG FINISH'. Bill looked down in surprise at the box of fireworks as they exploded. The puppets flew over the room on fire. Gabrielle, caught in the center of a bunch of falling and burning puppets, looked on in horror. The fireworks finished going off. Ford stepped on and crushed the Ford puppet as the smoke and fog cleared, revealing a shocked audience. The scaffolding behind the twins, Bella, and Fiddleford collapsed.

"Don't worry, in all the TV shows, the audience always thinks that whatever happened is part of the show and they love it," Bella smiled reassuringly. "And cue applause..."

The audience booed loudly, filing out of the theater angrily. They mumbled about how they had almost died. Gabrielle stood up, frowning.

"Gabrielle!" Stan laughed nervously. "Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches!"

" _Don't_ talk to me, Stanley," Gabrielle said, turning away. "You've made a mockery of both mine and my father's art form. Let's go, my loves."

She walked away, kissing her puppet.

"Did she just make out with her puppets?" Fiddleford asked, creeped out.

"I might've dodged a bullet there," Stan said.

"Oh Lee, I'm sorry about all this," Ford sighed. "It's my fault all your puppets got ruined."

"Ah, it's ok," Stan shrugged. "They kinda creeped me out anyway. Oh look, one survived!" He picked up the Stan puppet. "And I think he has something to say to you. _I'm_ _sorry, Ford. I spent all week obsessing_ _over_ _a dumb girl. But the dumb person_ _I_ _shoulda cared about was you._ "

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too," Bella nodded. "I guess I just got caught up with everything. Again."

"Mystery Team?" Fiddleford smiled, holding out a fist.

"Mystery Team," Ford smiled and the four friends fist bumped. Ford cringed and hissed, holding his hand. "Ow! What did Bill do to my hand? Ahh!"

"Nothing a little sleep won't fix," Stan smiled and walked off stage. "Come on Sixer, let's get you home."

"Let me take a look at yer hand when we get back ta the shack," Fiddleford said. "If'n it's broken, we might need ta visit the hospital."  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
 _"Hey Ford!" Puppet Stan said. "What did one sock puppet say to the other sock puppet?"_

_"I don't know, Lee. What?" Puppet Ford asked._

_"You look like you could use a HAND!" Puppet Stan joked. He laughed as the curtain closed on him and an annoyed Puppet Ford. Puppet Crazy Chiu and Puppet Mabel sat in a theater booth._

_"That joke sure was something," Puppet Chiu said._

_"Yeah, something hilarious!" Puppet Mabel laughed._

Stan woke from his dream with a scream. He threw the Stan puppet to the other side of the room before falling back asleep.

"Creepy..."


	5. Ria and the Real Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ria wants to date a boy who doesn't exist. Don't we all?

The day was just about over at the Mystery Shack. The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford were sitting in the gift shop, talking. Dan sat at the counter, playing with a Chinese finger trap. Mabel was nearby making a new attraction. Ria walked through the gift shop, heading towards the front door.

"I'll see you dudes tomorrow," she said with a wave.

"Bye, Ria!" The twins said.

"Bye!" Bella and Fiddleford called.

"Night, Ria!" Dan said.

"Night, Ria," Mabel smiled.

" _Doo doo doo doo, walking to my car..._ " Ria hummed.

Inside, Mabel walked over to the kids, holding the new attraction.

"You guys ever wonder what Ria does when she's not here at the shack?" Mabel asked.

"No," Ford shook his head.

"Not really," Fiddleford shrugged.

"Maybe a little," Bella said thoughtfully.

"Not once ever," Stan said.

\-----

Ria was at home, playing a video game while her Abuelito went through the mail.

"Punch! Punch those leopards!" Ria cheered on her character. A timer next to her went off. "Oh! Cookies are done!"

She stood up to go get the cookies from the kitchen, but Abuelito stopped her.

"Just a minute, _mija_ ," he said, holding out an envelope. "Look at this. Your cousin Regina is having an engagement party next month."

"Wait, what?" Ria's eyes widened as she looked at the letter. "Regina's engaged? But she's like, the poor woman Ria!"

"I don't want to pressure you, but you are a woman now... in a way," Abuelito began. "It is time for you to start meeting boys. I would like to see you settle before I ascend to Heaven and live with the angels."

"And with Grandma!" Ria smiled.

"No. She is... not there," Abuelito said, glancing at the floor. He looked back up at Ria. "Please find a boy to bring to Regina's engagement party. For Aubilito."

Ria smiled softly, watching her grandpa get up and head to the kitchen.

"Heh, no problem," Ria said to herself, leaning back against the couch, "I'm great at cooking, playing video games, having a sort-of ponytail. I could totally get a date in a week. Totally! Piece of cake."

 _"_ _You're_ _dead!"_ The video game announced.

"I'm dead," Ria agreed.

\-----

A kid walked through the Mystery Shack gift shop, flipping a coin and licking a lollipop. Suddenly, Mabel jumped out from behind a post card rack.

"HELLO!" She yelled, causing the boy to scream. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you! Hey, I know what'll make you feel better. How about you use that nickel to get a golden nugget from ol' Goldie?"

Mabel removed a sheet, revealing a golden prospector machine underneath.

"Uhhhhh..." the kid said nervously.

"Watch this!" Mabel winked. She put a coin into a slot in the machine. Goldie raised his arm and lifted his hat. His arm moved back down to the tin he was holding. Both of his eyes fell out and oil oozed from his mouth. A scream-like sound came from him. The child began to cry, running off.

"Ok, really, Ms. Pines?" Dan asked from the counter, looking at a magazine.

"I reckon it's time to throw that thing out," Fiddleford said, glancing fearfully at Goldie.

"Yeah, it's scaring Fidds," Bella huffed, putting an arm around the boy's shoulders. "And it's face reminds everyone of the ine- inevi- inevitability of death."

"What?!" Mabel shook her head. "Sure, he might be a little rusty around the edges, but Goldie is a classic showstopper like me."

She set her hand in a puddle of oil, slipping and getting her arm caught in Goldie's mouth. His mouth shut on her arm. Mabel screamed as she waved her arm around.

"AHHH! KILL IT, KILL IT!" She yelled.

\-----

Meanwhile, Ria was hanging up a shirt that resembled hers on a rack. She turned to see a man looking at a snow globe.

"Oh, a man!" Ria whispered. She hid in the middle of the shirt rack. "Ok Ria, you can do this. Just use your mouth to say words that make romance happen." She slowly rose out of the shirt rack, facing the man. "Your face is good. I'm a Ria."

The man yelled fearfully, dropping and breaking the snow globe before running out of the shack. Ria sighed, sinking back to the floor.

"Ria?" Ford spoke, moving the shirts to reveal the woman. "What was all that about?"

"I-I think I was flirting?" Ria said frantically. "I'm not sure!"

"Did someone say 'flirting'?!" Bella and Stan cried. Stan popped out of a barrel of question mark key chains, and Bella appeared from behind it.

"As a Gemini, I am an expert on the subject," Bella said proudly.

"Well, I kinda promised my grandpa I'd get a date by the end of the week, but I've never actually been on a date before," Ria said nervously. She grabbed the 'Out Of Order' sign off the vending machine and taped it to her. "You belong on me, 'Out Of Order' sign."

"Don't worry Ria, I'll help you!" Bella smiled. "I once taught Fiddlenerd how to flirt. I'm sure I could teach you!"

"Ah though' we agreed never ta speak'a that again," Fiddleford mumbled, rubbing his cheek.

"Ria, a little advice," Stan began with a smile. "You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that, I don't like your chances."

"Don't listen to Stan, Ria," Dan scoffed. "You're a sweet girl with a steady job and great cooking skills."

"Would you date her?" Stan asked.

"Oh... would you... look at that," Dan said nervously, looking at his 'Avoiding Eye Contact Monthly' magazine.

"Ria, you've helped us so much, it's time we help you," Ford smiled. "We're gonna get you that date."

"We're taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die," Stan began.

\-----

"To the mall!" Stan announced. Him, Ford, Fiddleford, Bella, Ria, and Mabel stood at the entrance to the mall. Mabel was pushing Goldie in front of her.

"I'm gonna go find a replacement for ol' Goldie," Mabel said to the twins. "Babysit Ria while I'm gone."

"Alright, Ria," Stan said, looking around the mall. "Are you ready to explode the charm bomb on these poor, unsuspecting gentlemen?"

"I dunno, guys," Ria said nervously. "What if I embarrass myself again?"

"Hey, whatever happens, just remember," Bella began, putting one arm each around Ford and Fiddleford, "you can't be any worse at this than these two!"

"Yeah!" The two boys agreed with a smile.

"Wait, whaaat..." Ford frowned, realizing what Bella had said. Stan blew a whistle.

"And... FLIRRRT!"

\-----

The kids and Ria were hiding behind a potted plant, watching a man nearby.

"Eye contact," Stan said, doing the 'I'm watching you' hand movement to Ria. She got up, walking over to the man.

"Hi there! I'm not scared of your eyes at all," Ria said, looking at the man's eyes. She used her fingers to open her eyes even wider. "I'm gonna look at them!"

The man screamed, running off.

"Eye contact!" Ria repeated.

\-----

The kids and Ria were in a different part of the mall.

"Conversation," Bella said, moving her hands between her and Ria. Ria approached a man who was eating ham on a stick.

"Hey. Y'know, I've actually been in a pig's body before," Ria told the man. "Did you know pigs have a hard time walking backwards?" The man started backing away from Ria. "Not you, though. Not that I'm calling you a pig! Hey, where're you going?"

\-----

The group was in another part of the mall. Stan was wearing sunglasses. He lifted them up to reveal a second pair.

"Confidence," he smiled. Ria walked up to a person leaning against the wall outside an _Edgy on Purpose_ store.

"So, you're probably a boy, right?" Ria asked. "Wrong? No, I was right the first time." She narrowed her eyes. "Wrong?"

\-----

Mabel was behind the mall, shoving Goldie into a trash can.

" _Do do do,_ _throwing_ _away garbage, in the garbage can,_ " Mabel hummed. She looked at Goldie. "Aw, don't look at me like that. This is how it's gotta be." An oil tear leaked out of Goldie's eye. "Ugh!"

She closed the lid of the trash can. She looked around, spotting some kids running into the mall and laughing. She followed them inside, ending up in a weird restaurant.

"What is this place?" Mabel wondering, walking around. "And why do kids love it so much?"

She watched the stage, where a group of animatronic animals were standing. An animatronic badger stepped forward, playing a guitar.

"Who wants to get BAAAADGERED?!" The badger asked. The kids started to cheer. An employee walked over to Mabel.

"Oh yeah, that's Will E. Badger," the man said. "He opens for _Hoo-Ha and_ _the Jamboree._ "

"Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah ah!" Will E. sung and danced. The kids cheered for him. Someone even threw their pants on stage. Will E. held out his cap upside-down. "Now give me your mon-aaaaay!"

The kids clambered to put their money in the hat.

"OOOH!" Mabel exclaimed. She turned to the man beside her. "Sir, I'd like to buy that badger."

"Hehe, you're in over your head, grandma," the man chuckled, shaking his head. "Animatronics is a young man's game." He flicked his earring. "You couldn't handle the hardcore life of a pizza robot manager." He moved suddenly, causing Mabel to jump. "Ha, flinched!"

The sound of a child puking caught their attention.

"Hey, you! Barfing in the ball pit!" The man called, walking towards the kid. "Gary's on the case!"

"I'm gonna get that badger," Mabel's eyes narrowed with determination.

\-----

The twins, Bella, Fiddleford, and Ria were sitting on a bench outside of a video game store. Bella got a toy from a toy capsule machine.

"Don't worry, Ria," Bella assured, opening her toy, "You'll find the right guy. You just gotta," she flung the sticky-hand at Ria's face, and it stuck to her cheek, " _stick_ with it!"

Bella laughed at her pun, but Ria just sighed sadly.

"Could this day get any worse?" Ria asked. She looked up to see a similar-looking girl and a strong-looking man. "Oh no! Cousin Regina!"

"Feel it, it's muscle," the man said, flexing his arm. Ria's cousin giggled, squeezing the man's arm.

"She can't see me like this!" Ria cried, trying to hide her face using her arms. "I gotta hide!" She ran into the video game store, hiding near the back. She sat down in front of a shelf. "This is it, Ria. A lifetime of loneliness." She picked up two games. "You're the only ones who could love me. _Fighty Hogg, Dr. Punch Head MD..._ " She looked into a box, noticing another game. "Huh. Never seen that one before." She picked up the game, reading the back. " _Virtually improve your dating skills. Nine out of ten basement dwellers recommend._ This is perfect!"

"Well, I guess you are better at video games than at flirting," Ford said, walking over with the others.

"Anything to get you out there, Ria!" Stan smiled.

"I'm not sure you want that game, ma'am," the man running the store warned. "This is the third time it's been returned, and there's a note on it that says 'Destroy at all costs'."

Ford looked at the sticky note on the back of the game.

"Then why don't you just destroy it?" Bella asked, frowning in confusion. Ford and Stan glanced over at Ria, who was talking to a cardboard cutout of a male video game character.

"So hey, what's your deal?" Ria asked. "You like to-" She poked at the cutout, causing it to fall over. "Oh, he's dead!"

"We'll take our chances," Stan assured.

\-----

Ria entered her room, putting the game disk into her computer. She sat down, watching a 'Year 2000 Electronics' logo appear on her screen.

"Man, I can't wait for the year 2000," Ria said, smiling softly. Upbeat music started playing and the main menu for the game ('Romance Academy 7') appeared. Ria looked at the options. "Uh, start." Ria read aloud the game's intro text. " _When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen._ That is so true."

A classroom setting appeared on the screen. A very strong-looking boy was standing in the room.

"Hi there! My name is Rumble McSkirmish," the boy said. "I'm a student at School University. Would you like me to carry your books?"

The options 'Yes, thank you!', 'I'm impatient, date me now!', and 'Look, a squid!' appeared on the right side of the screen.

"I'm really feeling number 2 right now," Ria said, clicking the option. "Click!"

A buzz sounded and the option turned red.

"Oh no! I messed up!" Ria cried.

"That's ok," Rumble said. "Try again."

Ria clicked the 'Yes, thank you!' option. The game awarded her 100 'Love Points' and some coins fell from the top of the screen.

"Wow, I'm learning!" Ria smiled. "And games are making it fun."

"What do you want to talk about?" Rumble asked. The options 'My interests', 'Samurais', and 'Squids' appeared.

"I'd rather just click your face," Ria said, doing so.

"Haha, you're hilarious!" Rumble laughed.

"This game is amazing!" Ria exclaimed. "I don't know why anyone would abandon it."

"Yes, and I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new girlfriend," Rumble said.

"Girlfriend?" Ria said, surprised. "My, Rumble, it's almost like you're actually alive."

"Yes. Almost," Rumble started to laugh. Ria laughed with him. "You have such a nice laugh!"

Ria didn't notice, but her computer had been unplugged the entire time.

\-----

The next day, Bella and Fiddleford were sitting at the register. Bella was scrolling through her phone while Mabel paced in front of them.

"You don't understand, guys!" Mabel said. "This animatronic badger, sings, it dances. It's the perfect money-taking attraction. But he won't sell it to me!"

"Uh-huh, yeah," Bella put put down her phone and looked at Mabel. "Look into my eyes and try to find my ability to care. I guarantee you, it's not there."

Just then, Stan and Ford walked in from outside.

"Has anybody seen Ria?" Ford asked. "We're supposed to help her with matchmaking today."

"I thought she was with you guys," Fiddleford frowned.

"She didn't come in today," Mabel said, confused and worried. "It's the first time she's ever missed work."

The kids looked all looked at each other, concerned.

\-----

The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford entered Ria's house. They found her in her room, surrounded by empty soda cans and playing the game.

"Well, that's basically my entire life story," Ria laughed. "Now you tell me a thing about you!"

"Every time you compliment me, my muscles get even bigger!" Rumble said.

"Really? Um, you're handsome," Ria said. Rumble's muscles grew. "And pixel-y!" Again. "And so agreeable!" One more time. "Yes!"

"Uh, Ria?" Fiddleford said cautiously. Ria spun around to see the kids.

"Huh? Oh, hey dudes! Come in!" Ria smiled. "This game is amazing. I'm making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven't seen any natural sunlight for 13 hours!"

"I don't think that's healthy," Bella frowned. Stan kicked a soda can aside as he walked forward.

"Ria, maybe it's time to apply these skills to real boys," Stan suggested.

"But he's about to meet my parents," Ria said, then added in a whisper. "My dad is an _octopus_ man."

Ford opened the blinds, letting sunlight spill into the dark room. Ria yelled and hissed, hiding under her desk. Ford pulled Ria out.

"We're going back to the mall," Ford said. "You need to unplug."

"I-I'll see you later, Rumble," Ria said, grabbing at her desk. "I'll be back, I swear!"

"Haha, Ria, it's just a game," Stan laughed. He pulled the door shut. "You don't have to say goodbye. It's not like it's going anywhere."

"Yes. It's not like I'm going anywhere," Rumble said. The computer screen shot off, and a bolt of electricity traveled from the computer to a nearby toy to an alarm clock and finally the telephone wires outside.

\-----

Ria and the kids were at the mall again. Stan was looking through a pair of binoculars.

"Dang! Where all dem guys at?" Stan asked. "I'll check the men's bathroom." Stan ran into the bathroom, welding a megaphone. "IT'S LOVE TIME, MEN! GET OUT THERE! NO TIME TO WASH YOUR HANDS!" A group of men ran out of the bathroom, screaming. "IT'S TIME TO DATE, DATE, DATE!"

"We'll go get some ice cream," Fiddleford said.

"Whether it be victory ice cream or failure ice cream has yet to be determined," Bella said.

"Well, here comes security," Ford sighed. "I'll deal with this. Stay here and practice on some real guys."

The three kids walked off, leaving Ria on her own. She hid behind a potted plant, watching guys.

"These guys have so many dimensions," Ria said, walking around. "And no explanation-y menus!"

Ria accidentally bumped into a guy.

"Hey! Watch it!" He glared.

"Oh no! Undo, undo!" Ria said quickly.

"You can't undo who you are," the man said darkly. Ria cried out, running off in the opposite direction. She leaned against the window looking in at a bunch of TVs.

"Oh man, this is the worst," Ria huffed. "I wish I was back home with-

"Hi, Ria!"

Ria turned around to see Rumble on a TV screen.

"Rumble!" Ria sighed happily, placing her hands against the glass. "I'm so relieved to see you! Although... sorta confused."

"Oh, Ria," Rumble said. A second Rumble appeared on another screen. "I am not an ordinary game." A third Rumble appeared. "I am..." he zapped a robot dog, making it bark, "special." On another screen a bunch of people working at computers showed up. One of the people was red. "The programmers tried to delete me. So I had to delete them."

The red man was about to delete the game on his computer, but he was shocked and killed.

"What... what did you do to them?" Ria asked fearfully. Rumbles covered the left half of the screens.

"That's not important," they all said. Rumbles appeared on the right half of screens. "What's important is that you never have to talk to real boys ever again. You and me can be together..." One giant Rumble made up all of the TV screens, and he was reaching out to Ria. "FOREVER!"

"That's awesome!" Ria cheered. "Sorta a red flag. But mostly awesome! Some what do you wanna do now?"

"Anything you want, Ria," Rumble smiled, on only one screen now.

\-----

Ria was on a kid's train. Rumble was on the screen, riding a virtual train.

"Choo choo!" Ria laughed. Rumble laughed along before the screen turned black.

"Please insert 50 cents to continue," the train voice said.

"Aw man," Ria said. A man laughed nearby. Ria looked up to see the man watching her from a _Meat Cute_ stand.

"Oh, sorry," the man said, walking over. "Hey, that's awesome that you're a grown woman riding a little train like that. You're totally owning it."

"Huh? Oh yeah," Ria said. "I'm like, if it's fun, uh, do it. You know?"

"Exactly!" The man agreed. "Being an adult is the _worst._ Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills; I just wanna ride tiny trains all day."

"Well, at least you get to work at _Meat Cute_ ," Ria said, pointing to the man's uniform. "Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future."

"I feel the same way," the man nodded. "I'm Michael, by the way."

"Oh, I'm Ria," Ria said, shaking Michael's hand. "I'll tell you, if you like robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time!"

"You mean-" Michael began.

"Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!" The two said together. Michael started to nervously play with his apron.

"What?! You've heard of Hoo-Ha Owl's?" He asked. "I loved that place when I was a kid!"

"Oh yeah, dude," Ria nodded. "There's one right in this mall! I should show you sometime."

"I'm... free around eight," Michael said.

"Boom. Done," Ria said.

"Great! I'll see you then," Michael smiled and handed Ria some coins. He walked away, waving. Ria waved back.

"What a nice man," she said. "Well, back to riding this tiny train for children."

"AHHH! RIA!" Stan screamed excitedly, jumping onto Ria and kissing her cheek.

"We saw the whole thing!" Ford beamed.

"That was amazin'!" Fiddleford smiled.

"You talked to a real guy!" Bella cheered. "And you got a date!"

"I did?" Ria realized.

"This is the best day of my life!" Stan screamed, jumping around and dancing.

"You were in the zone, you made eye contact - it was like you'd done this a million times before," Ford said. "Don't you see? That game really worked!"

"Ya don' need it anymore," Fiddleford said. "Ya can toss it out!"

"Toss it?" Ria asked nervously. "But I like Rumble. He's good to me. He's _predictable_."

"Well that's pretty boring," Bella scoffed.

"Ria, can a _video game_ go to Regina's engagement party with you?" Ford asked. Ria frowned.

"Uh..."

\-----

Ria was in her room, sitting in front of the computer. Rumble stood on screen.

"Hey Rumble? We, uh... we gotta talk," Ria said nervously.

"Of course!" Rumble said. "I am programmed to find everything you say interesting!"

"Well, have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but you don't know which one is right for you?" Ria asked. "I'm just saying, I'm thinking long term... maybe I should be with someone a little less," Ria stood up, mimicking a video game character, " _beep boop._ Heh, y'know?"

"I don't think you know what you're saying, Ria," Rumble said angrily. "No one loves you more than me. The boys out there will just make fun of you!"

"You... you really think so?" Ria asked with a frown.

"I KNOW so!" Rumble yelled. "Besides, we had a deal. You bought my game, I held your books, you're _my_ girlfriend. Now sit down in that chair!"

"I don't think I like the way you're acting," Ria said nervously.

"I WON'T LET ANOTHER BOY TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME, RIA!" Rumble screamed, pounding on the computer screen. "YOU HEAR ME?!"

"Rumble, calm down!" Ria cried.

"YOU'RE MINE, RIA!" Rumble yelled.

"Uh, uh..." Ria looked around in a panic. She grabbed the controller, pressing a button. "Pause!"

Rumble suddenly stopped in the middle of his screaming, looking shocked. Ria looked around, rubbing the back of her head.

"Woah, that got intense," she said. "I'm sorry, Rumble." She removed the game disk from her computer. A trail of electricity crackled, and Rumble stayed on the screen. "Maybe having a cursed robo-boyfriend wasn't such a good idea." She stuffed the disk in her pocket and turned off the computer. "I'm taking you back to the video game store after my date with Michael."

Ria left her room. The computer turned back on with a flash of electricity, showing a distorted image of Rumble.

\-----

Mabel was in the Mystery Shack gift shop. She opened up a briefcase.

"Hello, old friends," she said quietly, pulling on a pair of black gloves. "I've gotta be careful this time. No more Columbian nights."

Dan watched from the door as Mabel closed the briefcase.

"Ok Mabel, this is weird even for you," Dan said. "Do you need to talk?"

"There's nothing you can say to change my mind, Dan," Mabel said, working to unlock the window. "Sometimes, a woman has to steal an animatronic badger, to stay in this crazy game called life."

" _Or_ you could just not care," Dan said as Mabel opened the window.

"It's about the principal," Mabel said. "No one tells Mabel Pines she's too old. No one tells- WOAH!"

Mabel yelled as she fell out of the window, landing in the bushes.

"I'll get your orthopedic back pillow," Dan offered.

"Thank you," Mabel said weakly.

\-----

Ria and the kids were at the mall, getting ready for Ria's date. Ria was wearing a pink dress.

"You can do this, Ria," Stan said as Ford gave her some water. "Just remember what your love crew taught you. How does he look?"

"Nice!" Ria responded.

"What are his jokes?" Fiddleford asked.

"Funny!" Ria said.

"And who can pay for dinner if they want to?" Bella added.

"RIA CAN!" Ria yelled, standing up.

"Now DATE!" Ford yelled, blowing an air horn. Ria shouted and ran off towards the restaurant.

"They grow up so fast," Stan smiled.

\-----

Michael was standing outside of Hoo-Ha Owl's entrance. He rubbed one leg with the other.

"Itchy legs, itchy legs," he looked up at Ria's arrival. "Oh, hi Ria!"

"Michael!" Ria said happily. "Are you ready for a..." she looked at her hand, "date with..." she looked at her other hand, "me?"

Michael laughed.

"Haha, I totally am," he smiled.

\-----

Mabel was trying to open the backstage door of Hoo-Ha Owl's using a credit card. She opened the door a crack, looking in. Gary from earlier was pushing Will. E Badger backstage.

"Good show, man," Gary congratulated. "Way to warm 'em up! I wish I was more like you."

He kissed the animatronic, walked off. Mabel squinted, watching the scene.

\-----

Inside the restaurant, Ria and Michael were sitting at a table.

"Man, I could really go for some complimentary breadsticks right now," Michael said. Ria laughed nervously.

"Uh, one time I was so hungry, I ate the decorative bamboo at a Chinese restaurant," Ria said. She patted her stomach and sung the next part. "Like a big ol' panda."

Michael laughed, smiling.

"You're hilarious," he said.

"Yeah, well, you know, I just sorta say whatever pops into my, uh... " Ria trailed off. She looked back at the video games behind Michael. Rumble appeared on one screen, making subtitles that read 'You paused me?' Ria spat out the water she was drinking onto Michael and coughed.

"Ria, are you ok?" Michael asked, reaching across to her.

"No! Uh, I'm fine!" Ria panicked. "Everything's fine!"

"Are you sure?" Michael asked worriedly. "You're spitting an awful lot."

On three screens appeared 'You left me', an arrow pointing at Michael, and 'for him?', in that order. The arrow turned into a spinning picture of Michael's face with a flashing red X over it.

"Uh, can you sit tight?" Ria asked, standing up. "I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way."

She ran off and sat next to the twins, Bella, and Fiddleford, who were peaking out from behind two pizza boxes. Ria sighed, wiping off her forehead.

"Ria, what are you doing out there?" Stan asked.

"I've got a big problem, guys," Ria panicked. "I'm being stalked by Rumble!"

"Rumble?" The kids repeated, confused.

"Yeah, from the game," Ria nodded.

"Ria, get a grip on yourself," Ford said. "Rumble can't stalk you because he's not real."

"Says the guy who brought a video game character to life," Bella rolled her eyes. The group of friends saw Rumble on three screens nearby. Rumble saw Ria as 'Target' and the kids as 'Tiny enemies'.

"Uh oh," Stan said.

"This isn't going to end well," Ford worried.

"Don't worry, guys," Ria said, "I'm pretty sure he's stuck on TV screens."

Rumble moved across a row of game screens, stopping at _Fight Fighters_.

"Ha! A new challenger approaches!" Giffany yelled, seeing Rumble. "Be prepared to-"

Giffany yelled as Rumble punched her.

"Oh boy," Ria gulped. She ran over to Michael, sitting down in the booth. "So hey, anyway, you wanna, uh, move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?"

"What?" Michael asked, confused. "But the floor show's about to start."

Five animatronic animals were playing as a band on stage. The cheerleader beaver laughed as she played. Hoo-Ha the owl was up front.

"Hoo hoo hoo! Who wants to hear Hoo-Ha the owl?" He asked. "Oh! Who..."

He powered down suddenly. The stage lights focused on the big beaver, who was strumming a guitar and now possessed by Rumble.

"Hello, friends," Rumble greeted. "Hoo-Ha the owl is dead." The lights went out, and the frog began to softly play. "This next song goes out to my forever girlfriend, Ria."

"Ria, what's going on?" Michael asked.

"No time to explain!" Ria cried. "We gotta get out of here!"

Ria ran to the door with Michael, the kids following behind them.

"The only way out, Ria, is in my arms!" Rumble yelled. His eyes turned red and he snapped his fingers. The other animatronics came to life. "After them!"

People ran out of the restaurant, screaming.

\-----

Mabel was backstage, tying Will E. Badger up.

"And, done," Mabel finished. "Out with the old, in with the new. I feel invincible!"

Will E. powered up, having also been possessed. He punched Mabel in the face, knocking her backwards.

"W-what the-?!" Mabel cried.

"Who wants to get BAAAADGERED?!" Will E. yelled, causing Mabel to scream.

\-----

Out in the restaurant, the crowd was screaming and running out. Ria, Michael, and the kids became trapped when the metal door slammed shut.

"I'm sorry, Ria," Rumble said. "But you can't run away from our relationship."

He took control of the skee-ball games, making them shoot balls at the group of friends. Ria tipped over an arcade game for them to hide behind.

"So, about all this, I might have accidentally purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy," Ria explained to Michael.

"Oh, I am crazy," Rumble said. "Crazy for you, Ria!"

He shot lightning at the gang. Michael screamed as his hair caught fire.

"Oh no!" Ria cried, patting out the fire. "I'm so sorry, Michael! I'll fix this. It's me that he wants. I'll distract him while Stan, Ford, Bella, and Fidds keep you safe. It's the only way!"

"Ria, these are children," Michael said as Ria climbed atop the arcade game.

"The only WAAAAAY!" Ria yelled. She ran towards the kitchen, still being attacked by the skee-balls. "Over here, Rumble!"

"Stop!" Rumble yelled, reaching out for Ria. She grabbed a serving plate, using it to slide under the animatronics and through the swinging door into the kitchen. Rumble slammed the door open, rushing in behind her.

"On three, we split," Ford was saying. "One, two-"

The girl beaver karate-chopped the arcade game in half. Michael and the kids screamed, running off.

\-----

Meanwhile, Mabel was being punched out the back door by Will E.

"Stay back, you monster!" She cried. She tripped backwards into the dumpster. Will E. went to punch her one last time, but she ducked out of the way just in time. Instead, Will E.'s arm got stuck in Goldie's mouth. Will E. waved his arm around, trying to get the machine off, but Goldie wouldn't let go.

"Yes, yes!" Mabel cheered. "Get him, Goldie! Get him!"

\-----

Inside, Bella ran, screaming, to the playset. She climbed up the slide, but soon slid back down. She kicked off her crocs, leaving them on the floor before climbing back up the slide. Two animatronic rats tried to follow her up the slide, but got stuck.

Ford, meanwhile, was cornered by the animatronic beaver.

"I'm gonna eat your face like pizza!" She laughed. Ford screamed, ducking out of the way. The beaver instead hit a win button, getting lots of tickets. She laughed, clapping. Michael hit her with a chair, but was soon surrounded by more animatronics.

\-----

Rumble backed Ria into the kitchen.

"I've got you surrounded, Ria," he said. "There's no way out."

They passed by a window, where Ria could see the others being held captive by the animatronic animals.

"Please, let my friends go," Ria begged. "I'll do anything you want. I promise!"

"I seem to remember someone promising to be my girlfriend," Rumble countered. He appeared on the nearby TV screen, pictures of boys passing behind him. "Think about it. Real boys are unpredictable. They judge you." The boys on screen snickered and laughed. "Do you really think Michael is going to take you back after this awful date?" The screen showed Michael slamming the door in Ria's face before it started to rain. "I can download your brain into the game with me, and we'll be together forever."

Rumble pointed at Ria, his index finger extending into a flash drive.

"Ah!" Ria cried, "Stay back!"

She began to pull stuff from her pockets, throwing it at Rumble. Unfortunately, the animatronic dodged the items easily.

"Come on, Ria," Rumble said. "Don't make me delete you, too!" Ria pulled the game disk from her pocket. "What do you say?"

"I say... game over, Rumble!" Ria yelled. She opened the oven, tossing the game disk inside.

"No, wait!" Rumble cried. He began to scream as the disk burned up. The TV screen fizzled and became disoriented before flashing off, erasing Rumble. The face of the animatronic beaver melted as it dropped to the ground. The other animatronics shut down, dropping the others.

\-----

Outside, Will E. Badger, who was still fighting Goldie, shut down as well. Mabel stared in shock as the badger dropped to the ground. She grabbed Goldie, hugging him.

"You did it! You beautiful machine, you did it!" She cheered. She slapped a sticker on his face. "How about you and me hit the town? These old has-beens are going to Vegas!"

\-----

Inside, the restaurant was trashed. Ria and Michael sat on the edge of the skee-ball games. Ria sighed.

"I'm sorry for all this," she said. "I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid."

"Believe it or not, I've been on worse dates," Michael chuckled.

"You have?" Ria asked, surprised.

"Never date a magicians assistant," Michael warned.

"Ew, why would I?" Ria asked. The two of them laughed and Michael playfully shoved Ria. "Oh! Hey, you aren't maybe interested in going to my cousin's engagement party in a week, are you? I promise there's like, zero robot badgers."

"Haha, yeah," Michael smiled. "I'll still be in town then."

"'Still be in town'...?" Ria repeated.

"I'm heading back home to Portland in a few weeks," Michael said sadly. "But we can video chat, if that's ok with you."

"A relationship with a boy who I can only see through my computer," Ria said thoughtfully. "Sounds perfect!"

The twins, Bella, and Fiddleford were sitting nearby in the ball pit, watching Ria and Michael talk.

"Spirit of love, we did it!" Stan cheered.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Mabel and Goldie spent the weekend in Vegas. They flew in helicopters, played in casinos, and even ended up getting married.


	6. Little Gift Shop of Horrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A guy just wants shelter and instead gets stories he never asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I'm going to be doing something different this chapter. All the cut away scenes (the scenes between stories) will be told from the first person POV, since the episode is from a first person POV shot.

It was getting dark, and I needed to find some place to stay for the night. I spotted a wooden shack in the woods and approached the front door. An old woman holding a lantern answered.

"Well hello there, traveler," the woman began. "I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote, that no one can hear you scream!"

I began to back away, but the creepy old woman seemed to notice.

"Forget I said that," she waved it off. "Come in, come in, but be warned. If you do, you might be subjected to my tales... TALES DESIGNED TO SELL MY MERCHANDISE!"

The woman began to laugh maniacally, and I figured that this was the point where, if this was a movie, red text would appear on the screen with the movie title.

"Sorry, I was thinking of something funny I heard earlier," the woman said. She led me inside the shack, introducing herself as Mabel Pines. I asked her where exactly I was.

"You've come to the Mystery Shack after hours," she explained. "A time when only the most cursed objects are for sale! Like that thing! There..." She pointed to some kind of lumpy monster. "Nope? Not a fan? Too many orifices? Alright, I can tell what you're looking for is this-" she dug around in a chest, pulling out a hand, "-disembodied hand!" I glanced at the price tag and my eyes widened. "Why is it so expensive? Well, that's quite a tale. And it's called HANDS OFF! ...No seriously, hands off." She took a glowing orb from my hands. "That's not for sale. Alright, HANDS OFF!"

\-----

Mabel and the kids were wandering around a swap meet. Ford was holding a red balloon.

"Swap meet, swap meet, swap meet!" Mabel exclaimed happily, looking around at the many different stands. "Look at all these priceless treasures!"

"Ooh, bobble heads!" Bella ran over to a stand with rows of monster bobble heads. She ran her finger along the heads of three of the monsters, making them bounce. "They agree with everything you say!"

"Wow, neat glasses," Ford said, trying on a pair of professor glasses. "They make me look even smarter!"

He turned around and knocked into the glasses stand, letting go of his balloon.

"Woah, look at these watches!" Stan exclaimed, looking at a stand of gold watches run by a rather ugly man. "They're amazing!" He turned to Ford, Bella, and Fiddleford, cracking his knuckles. "Watch and learn, gentlemen." He turned back to the stand. "Hey Hagface! How much for the junk watches?"

"They are not for sale!" The man croaked. "Not for _you_ , Stan Pines! The wind whispers your name!"

The wind suddenly picked up, moving the wind chimes at Tyler Cutebiker's 'Mult'ple Chimez' stand. He tried to shush them.

"Ok, I get it, you're creepy," Stan rolled his eyes. "Less talky, more watchy."

He slammed a bill on the table, grabbing a watch. The man grabbed his arm.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WATCH! The man screeched, his eyes rolling backwards. Stan screamed, pulling away from the man.

"Yeesh! What a freak show!" He yelled. Him and the others walked off.

"Well _someone_ needs to work on their social skills," Bella said.

"And their observation skills," Stan snickered. He showed off his wrist, which had the watch on it. "Boom! Good job, heisting hands."

He kissed each of his hands.

"Stan, did ya really just steal from a wizard?" Fiddleford asked.

"Yeah, that sounded like a curse," Ford worried.

"'Uh, that sounded like a curse'," Stan mocked. "Hey! Anyone wanna buy a wet blanket?! We got a wet blanket for sale!"

The surrounding crowd laughed. Thompson Determined was nearby at a stand, selling literal wet blankets.

"I can't survive in this market..." he said sadly.

\-----

The next morning, Stan was the first to wake up. He walked into the bathroom, looking in the mirror.

"Heh, curse. Yeah right," he snickered. He looked at his reflection. "Well, nothing seems different. Ha! Looks like I got off scot-free."

He held up his arms, showing that his hands were missing.

\-----

Mabel and Ford were sitting downstairs at the kitchen table with Bella and Fiddleford, who had slept over last night.

"Alright everyone, breakfast time!" Stan announced happily. He was carrying a pan, oven mitts placed over his arms. "Prepare your taste buds for-"

Stan was cut off as he accidentally dropped the pan. The oven mitts slipped off, revealing his missing hands. The others screamed.

"NO HANDS! NO HANDS!" Mabel cried.

"What- how- why- Stan, what happened to your hands?!" Bella cried.

"Eh, so I might have gotten cursed a little," Stan shrugged, sitting down. "But the watch looks nice, doesn't it?"

He showed off the golden watch on his wrist.

" _Foolish boy_!" The wizard said, appearing in the watch. "Thieving hands find wicked fates! You must return what isn't yours-"

Stan used his mouth to place the oven mitt back over his arm, muffling the wizard's speech.

"That's better," he smiled.

"I told you, Stan," Ford frowned. "You gotta give that watch back and apologize."

"What?" Stan blew a raspberry. "That old man should apologize to me for denying my right to buy cheap junk. I don't need hands." He flung the oven mitt off his arm. "I got self respect!"

He tried to pick up a cup, but ending up dropping it. He slapped a fork, which flung a piece of bacon at his face. He sighed.

"Graunty Mabel, can you make me some hands, please?"

\-----

Stan and Mabel were now outside. Stan was sitting on the couch while Mabel put pink plastic cups with forks tapped to them on his arms.

"La la la, hand makeover!" Mabel announced, sprinkling glitter over the fake hands. "Say hello to your new hands! In quotes."

"Thanks, Graunty Mabel," Stan smiled. "See? Hands are overrated. I'm ready to take on the day!"

A woman walked past the shack and Stan waved to her. The woman screamed, seeing one of the forks stick to Stan's face.

\-----

Stan was at the bowling alley with the others. He went to roll the ball, but ending up tripping a woman behind him. He accidentally threw the bowling ball at a TV, smashing it to the ground.

\-----

The Pines family was at the grocery store. Stan was helping by pushing the cart around.

"Hey, little Pines!" A store clerk greeted with a smile. "Wanna play 'Toss Me A Dozen Eggs' like we usually do?"

"No, Jimmy, wait!" Stan cried. "Not today!" Jimmy apparently didn't hear him, as he was already tossing the eggs to him. "NOT TODAAAAAY!"

Stan was attacked by the eggs, falling to the floor. He sighed, looking up at Mabel and Ford.

"Alright, let's find that wizard."

\-----

The Pines family, plus Bella and Fiddleford, were approaching a cave high on a mountain.

"According to the Swap Meet pamphlet, the Hand Wizard lives in the horrible Hand Wizard lair on Hand Wizard Mountain," Bella read.

"Could ya stop saying Hand Wizard?" Stan asked. They entered the cave. Stan had two flashlights taped to his arms. A hand tapped Fiddleford's shoulder, and he turned to where it had come from.

"Stan, did ye just tap my shoulder?" Fiddleford asked.

"Fidds, I can't 'tap' anything," Stan reminded him, shining a flashlight in his face. Two hands tapped Ford, and he grabbed at his shoulders.

"Guys, can you stop tapping _both_ my shoulders?" He asked.

"Ford, you're on the end of the row next to Stan," Bella said. "No one can tap your shoulders."

Stan moved the flashlight to shine on the ceiling, showing that it was covered in hands. All of them screamed as the hands began to attack them.

"Hands! Lots of hands!" Mabel cried. The group began to fight off the hands, but it was a losing battle. The Hand Wizard rode into the room on a throne of hands, laughing.

"Look at this _touching_ scene," he joked. "Up top!" He gave one of the hands a high five. "You guys... you guys get me."

"Alright, old man, you got me," Stan rolled his eyes. "Stealing is wrong, ect." He shook off the watch, pushing it towards the wizard. "Now can I have my hands back? There's a certain gesture I'd like to show you."

"I'd be glad to show it for ya," Bella grunted, struggling to get out of the restraint the hands had her in.

"Alas, the curse cannot be broken so easily," the Hand Wizard said, reaching down and picking up the watch. He dropped it down his shirt. "The spirits say... um... that the curse can only be broken with a kiss!"

"What?!"

Mabel sighed, standing up.

"I'll do it," she volunteered. She walked forward, kissing the wizard's outstretched hand.

"A KISS ON THE LIPS!" The wizard yelled.

"What?!" Mabel drew back.

"Forget it!" Stan ran forward, trying to pull Mabel back. "Graunty Mabel, I don't need my hands that badly!"

"Yeah, yer just makin' stuff up!" Fiddleford accused.

"Let's go, kids," Mabel said. The group began to leave.

"No, wait! Don't go!" The wizard cried, standing up. "Y-you're right, you're right. I was just making all that stuff up. I-I just wanted to get something going. It's so hard to meet people these days, you know?"

He snapped his fingers and the hands let the kids go.

"So this was all just a ploy to get a date?" Ford asked.

"I'M DESPERATE, OK?!" The Hand Wizard cried. "But every time I bring someone back here without keeping their hands hostage, they run off."

"Well duh, look at this horror show!" Stan said, motioning at the space around them. "It's creepy even for a cave!"

"You just need to redecorate," Mabel smiled kindly. "For example," she grabbed a bunch of hands, shaping them into... "a handalabra!"

Two hands crawled over her face.

"Ooh! The Hand Wizard likes!" The wizard said happily.

"Then just watch me work," Mabel smiled. She tossed a bunch of hands into the air. "Home makeover!"

\-----

After a bit of redecorating, the group was standing outside the cave. Two hands were covering the Hand Wizard's eyes.

"Ok, time to take a look at your fantastic new cave!" Mabel announced. The two hands moved off of the wizard's face, allowing him to see the new and improved cave. "Women will defiantly tolerate you now. And I left a book of pick-up lines on the end table."

"AHHH! OH MY GOODNESS!" The wizard yelled, looking around. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE SAME CAVE! OH MY GOODNESS! I-I just can't seem to find the words!"

"How about 'Here's your hands back'?" Stan deadpanned.

"Oh, right," The wizard said. He snapped his fingers and Stan's hands crawled out of his beard. The hands crawled around on Stan before reattaching.

"Haha, awesome!" Stan laughed happily. "Know what? You're alright, mister."

The group smiled. The wizard turned to Mabel.

"Will you be my girlfriend now?" He asked.

"Nope. Never," Mabel said.

\-----

Mabel and the kids were walking away from the cave.

"Well, I learned nothing," Stan said. The Hand Wizard waved from the entrance to the cave.

"Back to my crippling loneliness," he sighed. A woman climbed up to the cave.

"Hi there," she greeted. "I'm lost in these mountains. Can I crash here for a bit?"

"...Please! Come in!" The Hand Wizard smiled. He pulled out the book of pick-up lines. "Uh... girl, are those space pants? Because your butt looks outta this world!"

"Wow, thanks for noticing," the woman smiled.

"Yes!" The wizard cheered.

\-----

"Alright, I get it," Mabel said. "You don't want the hand."

She dropped the hand, and I watched it scurry away. I followed Mabel into another room.

"You're a savvy customer," she smiled. "But perhaps you'd be interested in buying..." she searched her pockets. I saw a goat in the corner, and she went over to pick it up, "this magic goat! Sure, he doesn't look magic, but there's a very interesting story I'm about to make up about him. And it's called: ABAAINGS!"

\-----

Ford was in the attic, sitting on his bed. He was looking at a box.

"'The What-A-Heck-Ahedron'," he read. "'Solve this puzzle and your photo could be on this box.'" He turned over the box. On the back was a woman in a swimsuit kissing a boy on the cheek. The boy was holding up a solved What-A-Heck-Ahedron. "Woah! How cool would it be to be on the toy box?"

He pulled the toy out, twisting it around a bit. It beeped and flashed red.

"Come on..." he twisted it again, and it beeped some more. "Ugh!"

"Ooh, that's a bummer!" Stan said into a recorder. Him, Bella, and Gompers were sitting on his bed in front of a keyboard. "This is Stan, Bell, and The Goat!"

"Coming at you on the AM!" Bella added. Gompers bleated.

"Woah! Not sure we can say _that_ on the air!" Stan said, tugging at his shirt collar. Gompers ate a knob sitting on the bed.

"Don't touch that dial, truckers!" Bella warned. "Cuz the Goat just ate it!"

Stan pressed some keys on the keyboard, making a honking sound three times and a fart noise.

"Stan, Bella, could you knock it off?" Ford asked. "I'm trying to solve this intelligence puzzle, but it seems impossible."

As he spoke, he twisted the toy around, making it beep again.

"Maybe you're just not smart enough," Stan shrugged. Ford's eyes widened in disbelief, then narrowed in determination.

"We'll see about that..."

\-----

Ford was reading from the journal on his bed, holding a bowl and a purple glowing mushroom.

" _Buried near the falls is the legendary Percepshroom. To increase brainpower, grind it up and apply to your forehead overnight,_ " he read. He did as the instructions said. He looked at the What-A-Heck-Ahedron. "Tomorrow, I _own_ you."

He placed the bowl on his bed, laying down underneath the covers. Gompers (who was sleeping with Stan and Bella (who had slept over) on Stan's bed) woke up, seeing the mashed Percepshroom. He got up out of bed, walking over and eating all of the treat, including the amount on Ford's forehead. He fell back onto the floor, looking up at the books on the table. He began jumping up, trying to reach them.

\-----

Ford woke up the next morning and sat straight up.

"Haha! I feel smarter already!" He smiled, feeling his head. "The digits of pi are 3.1... uh..."

" _415926,_ _ect._ ," a robotic voice finished. Ford jumped, looking around.

"What? Who said that?" He asked. He looked over at the bed opposite the room. "Lee? Bella?"

"Huh?" Stan groaned, opening his eyes.

"Woah!" Bella sat up, looking at the doorway. "Guys, look!"

The twins looked where she was pointing. Sitting in the doorway was Gompers, riding a weird machine.

" _Greetings, friends_ ," Gompers 'said'. " _It is I, Gompers, the goat._ "

"What?" Ford gaped.

"Gompers! What happened?" Bella asked, a little worried.

"Have you been possessed by the spirit of a nerd?" Stan asked.

" _I understand that my transformation may be vexing, but I have prepared a presentation-_ " Gompers bumped into the computer, knocking it over and spilling a cup of coffee. " _Forgive me. My goat arms are cute and useless._ "

"The brain goop!" Ford realized, looking at the empty bowl. "You ate it and built all this!"

"This isn't right!" Stan cried, running over with an animal wheel. "The goat goes baa! THE GOAT GOES BAA!"

" _Now the goat goes wherever he can_ _shine_ _the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance_ ," Gompers said. Ford spotted the solved What-A-Heck-Ahedron.

"Woah!" He exclaimed, sliding over to it. "What-A-Heck-Ahedron! How did you do that?"

He took the toy, turning it over in his six-fingered hands.

" _I can teach you, Stanford_ ," Gompers said. " _From the secrets of astrophysics, to the_ -" Gompers noticed Waddles, who was chewing on the corner of his machine. " _Hey, HEY!_ "

Gompers started bleating angrily at the pig.

"Man, I am loving this new Gompers," Ford smiled.

"Yeah... he's definitely, uh... different," Bella said, fiddling with her nightshirt. Gompers started shooting styrofoam rockets at Waddles, chasing him out of the attic room.

"Dude, that rocket cart is amazing!" Ford said excitedly. "You and I should go invent stuff!"

"Uh, Gompers!" Stan called, holding up his, Bella's, and Gompers' radio t-shirts. "Don't you wanna stay up here and record some morning pranks with us?"

"Yeah! You're like, the star of the show!" Bella added with a nod.

"Guys, this goat has a gift," Ford told them. "He needs to share it with the world."

" _I'm_ _sorry, guys_ ," Gompers said. " _There is more to life than making fart noises, and laughing at those fart noises. I see that now_."

Him and Ford left the room, leaving Bella and Stan by themselves.

"Right. Yeah," Bella said quietly.

"You guys," Stan laughed sadly. "Just... go on without us..."

\-----

Outside, Fiddleford's kite had gotten stuck in a tree.

"Aw man, my kite!" He frowned. Ford and Gompers approached him.

"I bet we could help you," Ford smiled.

"Oh, howdy Stanford," Fiddleford said. "Woah, what happened ta Gompers?"

" _Ha! Forget kites_ ," Gompers said. " _Here, take this rocket pack I invented and explore the heavens yourself._ "

Ford handed the rocket to Fiddleford, who looked it over in wonder.

"Amazin'," he breathed. "Wow, thanks, y'all!"

He flew off into the sky using the rocket pack.

"That rocket pack we made was amazing," Ford said to Gompers.

\-----

Bella and Stan were in the attic, sadly watching the others outside.

"Welcome to Stan, Bell, and the Goat," Stan said sadly into the recorder.

"Top story today: dealing with crippling sadness after losing our assistant co-host," Bella said. Stan pressed a button on the keyboard, which sung out 'Sadness!' Bella held up a picture of 'Gompers' ??? Birthday Probably'.

"Oh Gompers, what did that nasty goop do to you?" Stan asked. "You can't be happier like this, can you?"

\-----

Ford was tightening a wire on a giant machine. Gompers was sitting to the side, watching.

"Dude, this is your greatest invention ever!" Ford exclaimed. "It could solve every problem of mankind!"

" _And bring me many potatoes. Delicious potatoes,_ " Gompers said. The machine carried a potato over and the goat ate it. " _Yummy yummy, in my little goat tummy._ "

"What is going _on_ in here?"

Gompers and Ford turned towards the female voice to see Bella and Stan standing in the doorway.

" _Bella! Stan!_ _You're_ _just_ _in time to behold our greatest achievement,_ " Gompers wheeled over. _"The 'Smarticle Accelerator'._ "

"Solving that brain puzzle was just the tip of the iceberg," Ford explained. "With this, Gompers will be able to solve all the greatest puzzles in the universe!"

" _The origin of life_ ," Gompers listed, driving underneath the machine. " _The meaning of existence. Why dudes have nipples."_

"I actually know that last one!" Bella said. Gompers pressed a button on the giant machine, making it light up.

"Soon your goat is going to be famous!" Ford smiled. "Meeting with scientists, presidents... I wonder if I could teach him to wear pants."

"The whole world?" Stan frowned. "But when will you have time for us?"

"We're your best friends!" Bella added.

" _I'm_ _still your friend, guys,_ " Gompers said. " _But I'm helping people now_."

"But what about helping us?" Stan asked. "Do you really want to spend your whole life in meetings with dumb smart guys?"

"This brain stuff has made you forget who you are," Bella said. "Don't you remember... us?"

Gompers thought about all the fun times the three of them had had together.

" _It all makes sense now_ ," he said. " _What good is helping the world if I can't help my favorite people in the world? It's a good thing I built in a dumb-dumb switch._ "

He flipped a switch that went from 'FWD' to 'REV'. Blue tubes came down next to his head.

"Gompers, no! Wait, DON'T!" Ford cried.

" _I'm sorry, Stanford,"_ Gompers said. " _In my last eight seconds of consciousness I want you to know that science is a horizon to search for, not a prize to hold in your hand. Also, I miss getting my tummy tickled._ "

Gompers bleated, jumping into Stan's arms.

"Oh, Gompers!" Bella said happily, hugging the both of them. The Smarticle Accelerator broke apart and fell down.

"No!" Ford cried. "Our invention!"

"I know what'll make you feel better," Bella smiled and held out Gompers. "A simple hug from a simple goat."

"Yeah, I guess," Ford sighed, taking Gompers. He smiled lightly and laughed when the goat licked him. Gompers threw up the What-A-Heck-Ahedron. "Good goat. ...Ugh."

\-----

"You know what? You're right," Mabel said, setting the goat down. "Don't buy the goat. In fact, I'm better off leaving it with my nephew and his friend."

A mini suction dart was shot at her fez, sticking there.

"No shooting in the house, pumpkin!" Mabel called into the other room. "But perhaps I can interest you in something else." She walked over to a chest and pulled out a tape. "Like these spooooky moooovies. Movies are great! You get to huddle around the TV with your family, spend some quality time together. So this next tale is called Make-Up For It!"

\-----

The twins, Mabel, Ria, Bella, and Fiddleford were gathered around the TV in the shack. Bella was sitting right in front of the TV, her and Mabel seeming to be the only ones interested in the movie.

" _There's_ _one thing_ _I'm_ _still_ _wondering_ _about_ _, though," Sunset said._

_"_ _What's_ _that?" Twilight asked._

_"_ _Where_ _did the magic that hid this cave come from?" Sunset wondered. Magic sounds_ _played_ _and a song began._

Bella squealed happily, rolling backwards onto her back. The twins groaned.

"Everything about this is bad!" Ford complained.

"Well that just put me 90 minutes closer to death," Stan said.

"Oh shush, it was awesome," Bella glared.

"Whatever. Can we watch my movie now?" Stan asked.

"Sure, go ahead," Mabel chuckled. Stan hurried forward to put the disk in the player. A horror movie began. The first scene was a scary-looking monster jumping into view. Bella screamed, running from the room.

"Oh no, Bella!" Fiddleford cried.

"Well, she's broken," Stan said, looking at the others.

"Aw man," Fiddleford sighed. "Stan, Ah should'a warned ya. Bella's terrified'a horror movies. She can' watch 'em."

"What? But they're fake!" Stan chuckled. "Come on, how scared could she be?"

\-----

Bella was in the other room, hiding in a pile of blankets.

"The monster. His face is made of nightmares!" She squeaked fearfully. The group approached her.

"Bella, it's just a movie," Stan assured. "It can't hurt you!"

"No talking! It'll hear you!" Bella whispered, pulling a blanket over her face.

"Ugh, why'd ya have'ta show her that movie?" Fiddleford groaned.

"There has to be a way to get her over this," Ford said. He looked at the back of the case, seeing the words 'Filmed in Gravity Falls, Oregon'. "Hm..."

\-----

The kids, Mabel, and Ria were outside of a big mansion with a gate. Bella was still hiding in the pile of blankets, which was being held by Ria.

"Alright, maybe if we can get the director to show her the monsters are fake, she'll finally calm down," Mabel said.

"I dunno, dudette," Ria said, looking at her phone. "According to the Internet, monster movie genius Harry Scaremore is some kind of recluse."

"Man wants his privacy; I can respect that," Mabel nodded. She swung a rope over the fence. "Alright, everyone over the fence."

Everyone climbed over the fence and started walking towards the house.

"See Bella, those monsters are just people in makeup and computer drawings filmed in front of a camera by an anti-social shut in," Mabel explained.

"Those people are called animators and actors," Ria added. The group entered the house, looking around.

"Hello? Mr. Scaremore?" Fiddleford called out.

"We wanna get a look at your special effects!" Stan said.

"We promise we're not paparazzi!" Ria added before taking pictures with her phone.

"Ah-ha!" Ford picked up a used makeup case and a picture of a person in bad monster makeup. "See, Bella? It's all just makeup. You can come out."

"I already came out. And never!" Bella cried from inside the pile of blankets.

"Bella, please, listen to me," Stan said. "For the last time, there is nothing here to be afraid-"

The monster from the movie came up behind Stan and roared. The twins, Fiddleford, Ria, and Mabel all screamed. Ria dropped the pile of blankets and backed away.

"It's slowly," Mabel dodged the monster arm, "swiping at us!"

The monster swiped again.

"Let's escape by standing still!" Ria suggested. The monster grabbed her. "It didn't work!"

The monster grabbed Mabel in its other hand. Animated skeletons surrounded the twins and Fiddleford, holding shields and swords. The boys screamed, running off. Ford tripped over the pile of blankets, revealing Bella. A skeleton grabbed the back of Bella's head and she screamed.

"I'M NOT READY TO DIE IN THE SKELETON WAR!" She yelled, running into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, the kids were being tied up along with Mabel and Ria.

"How is this happening? What do they want?!" Ford cried.

"I'm afraid they want _you_ ," a man said. He was also tied up and being held back by the skeletons.

"Harry Scaremore! Master of special effects and makeup!" Stan gasped.

"Alas, my effects are more special than you know," Harry sighed.

"What? B-but how're these thin's real?" Fiddleford asked. "What about makeup?"

"That's what all this is," Harry said. "Sort of. I used magic makeup to make the actors look exactly like monsters. Unfortunately, that makeup made them _real_ monsters."

**_Flashback!_ **

Harry Scaremore was filming a movie. After he yelled 'Cut!' the actors (who were painted as monsters) started to act weird. They turned into real monsters and attacked Harry.

**_Flashback over!_ **

"They went mad and enslaved me," Harry said. "And now they will turn you into unholy beasts to join in their mischief."

"Well Stan, at least you get to work with your favorite director," Ria said. The monsters approached them holding containers of makeup. "And by work, I mean be magically transformed into a monster."

Bella watched from the other room as her friends called for help.

"What do I do?" She asked fearfully. "How can I defeat those monsters?"

She jumped as she heard a low growl. She spun around, coming face to face with a cat-like monster. Bella screamed, jumping onto the kitchen counter.

"S-stay back!" She yelled. She looked around quickly, spotting the sink. She got an idea. Grabbing a cup, she filled it up with water and threw it at the cat monster as it jumped at her. When it landed on her lap, it was a normal cat again. Ruined makeup stained its face. Bella giggled as the cat licked her.

"That's it!" She exclaimed. "Water ruins makeup!"

\-----

"Hey, monster guy!" Bella yelled, catching everyone's attention. Behind her were a bunch of different animals armed with water weapons. "Fight this army! ATTACK!"

The animals started to fight the monsters, using the water to wash their makeup. Bella ran over to the others, untying them.

"Bella, ya did it!" Fiddleford cheered.

"So you're not scared anymore?" Ford asked.

"Oh, I'm scared twice as much," Bella smiled. "But now I know it's rational!"

"Bella, I'm sorry I doubted you," Stan said as she untied him. "You were right. Makeup is pure evil!"

The group turned to watch the monsters and animals fight.

"And probably very expensive," Ford added.

"Incredibly expensive," Mabel, Ria, and Harry said together.

"This is an impressive fight, though," Ria said. "I'm glad I'm here to actually see it."

The group cheered and clapped as the fight came to an end.

"That was the best part," Harry said.

\-----

"I don't get it," Mabel said. "You don't want the goat, you don't want my tapes- what are ya gonna buy?!" I shrugged. I wasn't sure if I wasn't to buy anything. "Well, what about this free potion?" Mabel handed me a green liquid in a vial. "Here. Have a free sample."

I didn't give a second thought to it (because free sample!) and downed the potion. It tasted weird. Suddenly I felt lightheaded and everything began to blur. I fell to the ground.

"Shoulda bought my merch when you had the chance, buddy," Mabel tisked. "But don't worry. I'll have something new for sale very soon."

The last thing I saw before blacking out was the woman approaching me with paint.

\-----

I woke up the next day in what seemed to be a glass tank. I could barely make out the words 'THE CHEAPSKATE' written on the front.

"And here we have our latest attraction: the legendary cheapskate," Mabel lead a tour over to me.

"I-I saw it blinking," a little girl said.

"Heh, just an optical illusion," Mabel lied. Could none of these idiots tell I was alive?! Mabel lead the tour group away. I reached out, pounding on the glass. "That's right, I'm a jerk!"  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Two boys were in the gift shop now. They looked like twins. One had glasses and was reading a book on the counter. I might have still been tipsy from the potion, but it looked like he had six fingers. The other boy had a missing tooth and was standing in front of me.

"Hey! Wanna play tic-tac-toe?" The second boy asked. He drew a tic-tac-toe board on the glass.

Might as well, I have nothing better to do.

I drew an X in the top middle space.

"Hey, I wanted to be Xs!" The boy whined. "Let me be Xs!"

"Trust me, just let him be Xs," the glasses boy said. I sighed, drawing an O in the center space.

"Yay!" The second boy cheered. He drew an X in the middle right space. "Actually, I changed my mind. I'll be Os." Ugh, did this boy ever make up his mind? I drew an X in the upper left space. "Ok, you're _gonna_ hate me right now, but is Xs still an option?"

I wrote the words 'Help me' on the glass. The boy looked at the words.

"I don't think you're playing this right."


	7. Society of the Blind Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiu may or may not be in a cult.
> 
> She may or may not also be the leader of said cult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MAN!! I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS CHAPTER! I won't tell you why, but you'll probably figure it out. All I'll say is...
> 
> OC/Canon relationships are adorable.

It was nighttime in Gravity Falls, and Growling Grenda was cleaning up at Greasy's Diner. She hummed to herself as she swept the floor. A clatter brought her attention to a family of possums in the sink. She swiped at them with the broom.

"Shoo, possums, shoo!" She snapped. She walked over to a table, waving the broom underneath it. "Candy, get outta there!"

Crazy Chiu scuttled out from under the table, running out the door. Grenda continued to hum as she followed, locking up the door.

"Goodnight, diner!" She said, walking off. "Goodnight, trees!" She passed by a group of fairies stacked on top of each other to reach a pie on the windowsill. "Goodnight, tiny women stealing my pie!" She stopped dead, spinning around. "Wait, WHAT?!"

"Lift with your knees!" Jill instructed. "No, your _knees_! If I go one more hour without eating, I'm gonna resort to cannibalism." Jill finally noticed Grenda watching them. She curtsied to the taller woman. "Ma'am."

Grenda screamed, backing away from the fairies.

"Little magic girls!" She yelled. "What does it mean?! What do I do?!" She bumped into a payphone and dialed 911. "Yes, hi. I'd like to report something. I'm at Greasy's Diner. You won't believe what I saw!" Two cloaked figures were sneaking up on Grenda from the bushes. "It's unbelievable! It's indescribable! It's-"

Grenda screamed as a bag was placed over her head. The two figures dragged her off. A third figure stood.

"It is unseen!" He announced, turning to follow the others. When he moved, he revealed an eye with an X spray painted on the wall. The fairies watched as Grenda was dragged away.

"Well, back to pie!" Jill smiled. The fairies flew off, carrying the pie. A slice fell to the ground. "I was _this_ close to eating you, Alex."

\-----

Ford stood in his room, in front of a board titled 'Who Is The Author?' Fiddleford stood next to him. Ford held the third journal under his arm and a pen in his hand.

"Alright author, who are you?" Ford mumbled, chewing on the pen. "Who are you...?" The pen broke, spraying blue ink in and around Ford's mouth. "Bleg! Not again!"

He tossed the pen into a crate with other chewed pens in it.

"Ford, ya gotta stop doin' that," Fiddleford shook his head. "All that ink can' be good for ya."

"Arg, I can't help it," Ford groaned. "I chew my pen when I'm thinking."

Just then Stan burst into the room, jumping onto Ford's bed.

"Hey Sixer! Look what I got!" Stan waved the item in the air. Bella appeared in the doorway and approached the group.

"You got a letter?" Ford asked, looking at it. "Who from?"

"Susan Wentworth," Stan said excitedly. "Remember her? Growling Grenda's granddaughter! I wonder if she wants to get back together!"

"Were you even 'together' in the first place?" Bella grumbled.

"I wouldn't get your hopes up, Stan," Ford warned.

"Too late!" Stan beamed, ripping open the letter. "Hopes are way _way_ up! _Dear Stan..._ So far so good! _It is with_ _great_ _joy..._ So far so good! _That_ _I_ _tell you... I got a boyfriend_?!"

"Aaaaand there it is," Ford sighed.

" _Met him at the dock... great guy... most popular kid in school_?!" Stan scanned the rest of the letter, becoming sadder with each word. He looked at the picture of Susan and her new boyfriend. "Ugh, and he's handsome!" Stan sighed. "This can't be happening."

"Aw, Stan. You'll get over her eventually," Fiddleford said.

"You don't get it, Fidds," Stan said sadly, opening his photo album. He flipped to a page titled 'Summer Romances'. "On our first day here, I made this page for summer romances. And look at my luck! Turned out to be fairies," he pointed at a picture of Norma, "swimming psycho," a picture of Darlene, "made out with her own hands," Gabrielle Benson, "and now..." He taped the new picture to the page, writing the word 'FAILED' in red marker at the top of the page. "I wish I could just forget about all of them.

"Well, maybe you just haven't found the right girl," Bella said.

"Hey, if it's any consolation, my summer mission isn't a huge success either," Ford sighed. "I'm still trying to find the author of this journal, but with this laptop smashed, I've lost any lead in finding him."

"Wait a second..." Bella said. She pulled out her phone, looking at the laptop. She zoomed in on her phone, taking a picture. "Ford, look!"

"At your phone?" He asked, unsure.

"Just look!" Bella shoved it into his hands. Ford looked at the picture she had taken, which was of a logo entitled 'Chiu Labs' on the laptop.

"'Chiu Labs'?" Ford read. "Wait, _Crazy Chiu_?"

"Ya don' think...?" Fiddleford said, looking at the others.

"It couldn't be!" Stan's eyes widened.

"It doesn't make any sense!" Ford argued. "Unless..." He turned to the board, beginning to move stuff around. "This matches with this... This goes over here... And then the name... So that would mean... Crazy Chiu wrote the journals?!"

\-----

Down in the gift shop, the radio was playing while Ria and Dan worked. Ria was sweeping and Dan was putting clothes on the racks.

"Ugh!" Dan groaned, throwing the shirt onto the counter. "I can't get that terrible song out of my head!"

"Oh, you mean _Straight Blanchin'_ by 'Lil Big Dawg?" Ria asked. "It's the catchiest song of the summer."

"What _is_ blanchin'?" Dan asked angrily. "Rappers can't just make up words!"

"Rappers are visionaries, Dan," Ria defended. "If they told me to eat my own pants, I would do it."

" _Eat your own pants, eat your own pants, yeah!_ "

"Well, I guess I've got no choice," Ria shrugged. She unzipped her pants. The kids ran into the room.

"Ria, Dan, we need to go see Crazy Chiu!" Ford said.

"We'll explain on the way!" Stan said. The group ran outside.

"Hey, what about your work?" Mabel asked. "Kids! ...Why is Ria eating her own pants?"

\-----

The group was at the junkyard, searching for Crazy Chiu.

"Fiddleford, you build stuff here, right?" Ford asked. "Where does Crazy Chiu live?"

"Um, my own little base ain't far from her hut," Fiddleford said. "Ah can find my way from- HEY!"

Two teenagers were standing in front of Fiddleford's base, spray-painting 'McSuckit' on the side.

"Took an hour to think of this, but it was worth it," one teenager laughed. Crazy Chiu appeared from her hut, waving a stick at the teens.

"Hey, get outta here!" She yelled, chasing them off. "Hoodlums! Bullies!"

"No no no no!" Fiddleford cried, running over to his base. He looked at the graffiti, obviously distraught. "McSuckit... they got me good..."

"Visitors!" Crazy Chiu exclaimed happily upon seeing the group. She looked at Fiddleford. "Ehh... sorry Fiddleford."

"It's alright, Ms. Chiu," the boy sighed.

"Well come in, come in!" Crazy Chiu waved the group inside. "Pull up some dirt! You are just in time for my hourly turf war with the lady what lives in my mirror." She turned to her reflection in a bathtub. "STOP STARING AT ME WHEN I BATHE!"

"You can stop the act, Chiu," Ford said. He pulled out the journal. "I know you're the author. You studied the mysteries of this town and wrote this journal."

He held out the book for her to see.

"Dudette, you're the genius Ford's been looking for all summer!" Ria said happily.

"Eh... genius?" Chiu frowned, looking at the journal. "I am no genius. I have never done anything worthwhile in my life. Everybody knows I am no good to nobody." She looked at a couple newspapers on her wall, "I can not remember what I used to be, but I must have been a big failure to end up this way."

"But the laptop- it has yer name on it!" Fiddleford told her.

"What about this book?" Ford asked. "Are you sure you didn't write it? H-here, look closely!"

He flipped slowly through the pages, showing them to Chiu.

"I told you, I can not remember, "Chiu shook her head. "Everything before 1982 is just a blur. Just a hazy..." The symbol spray-painting from before appeared on a page. Chiu screamed, backing away from the book. "The Blind Eye! Robes, the men, my mind! They _did_ something!"

"Who did?" Bella asked.

"I... oh, I do not recall," Chiu sighed.

"Oh, you poor old lady," Stan frowned. "No wonder your mind's all..." Bella blew a raspberry. "Yeah, that. You've been through something terrible."

"What if Ms. Chiu learned somethin' she wasn't s'pposed to?" Fiddleford asked. "Someone- or some _thin_ _'_ \- messed with her mind!"

"We've got to get to the bottom of this," Ford said, determined.

"Think, girl," Dan said. "What's the earliest thing you can remember?"

"Eh... this is," Chiu said, peeling a newspaper off the wall. "I think."

"The history museum!" Dan said.

"Then that's where we're going," Ford nodded. The group ran back to the car, climbing in. The radio turned on, playing _Straight Blanchin'._

"Ugh, Ria!" Dan yelled. He pulled the CD out and tossed it out the window. He paused when he realized what he did. "I'll buy you a new one."

\-----

The group reached the history museum, entering through the window.

"Hello? Anyone here?" Ria called.

"Alright, keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious," Ford said. The group spread out, looking around the museum. Stan sighed sadly.

"Stan, are you ok?" Dan asked. "You just walked by a cat without petting it."

"Oh, Dan," Stan sighed again. "Everything I look at reminds me of my failed romances. That formaldehyde heart. That romantic diorama. Even this poster of my most recent ex-crush." He tore down a poster of Gabrielle, revealing a post of Mult'ple Timez. "Aw, come on!"

"So yer last memory was here," Fiddleford said to Crazy Chiu, "Anythin' comin' back?"

"Guys, look!" Bella exclaimed, pointing down the hall. A cloaked figure ran off.

"Who's there?!" Ford yelled. They raced after the figure, ending up in a room full of eyes.

"Well kettle my corn," Fiddleford murmured, looking around in disbelief.

"He vanish-afied!" Chiu exclaimed.

"It doesn't make sense!" Ford said. "Where did he go?"

"Eh..." Fiddleford nervously backed up to the wall. "I feel like all these eyeballs are a-watchin' me."

"Wait a second," Bella said. She followed the line of sight of all the eyeballs. "Fidds, they are!"

"Move aside," Ford waved him over. Fiddleford stepped to the side, revealing a central eye on a stone plate. Ford moved forward to push the eye, revealing a hidden passageway behind the fireplace. "A secret passage..."

"We'll have ta be stealthy," Fiddleford whispered. "Ah'll hambone a message if there's trouble."

He slapped his arms and legs. The message translated to 'Coyotes are coming for our sweetbreads.'

"Fidds, no, we're not doing that," Bella said. The group walked quietly down the stairs, ending up in a room. There were a bunched of cloaked figures in a circle, chanting together.

" _Novus ordo seclorum_ ," they chanted.

"Who is the subject of our meeting?" One figure asked, walking to the center of the circle where a chair sat.

"This woman," a figure said. Two figures walked Growling Grenda forward, a bag over her head. Grenda was sat down in the chair and the bag was pulled off of her head.

"Growling Grenda?" Stan gasped.

"What is it you have seen?" The first figure asked.

" _Speak_!" Everyone said.

"Uh, well, um, I was leaving the diner," Grenda began. "And then I saw these little winged people, and I was like 'Huuuuh?'"

"There, there," the first figure said. He pulled a ray gun out of a case. The rest of the hooded figures pulled down their hoods. "You won't be like 'Huuuuuh?' for much longer."

He typed 'Little Women' into the device.

"What's that?" Grenda asked, "Is it a hair dryer? Are you guys barbers?"

Grenda screamed as she was shot with the ray.

"Growling Grenda!" The figure spoke loudly. "What do you know of little women?"

"My mind is clear, thanks to the Society of The Blind Eye," Grenda said in a monotone voice.

"It is unseen!" The society members announced.

"Oh my gosh, they erased Growling Grenda's memory!" Ford gasped. Fiddleford hamboned 'Oh, *&#*%!'. "Guys, are you seeing this? They just wiped Growling Grenda's memory!"

"They shoulda wiped off that awful mascara," Stan joked.

"I think she looks beautiful!" Ria glared.

"She's allowed to wear makeup, Stan!" Bella snapped.

"Woah, alright, yeesh," Stan said. "Touchy subject..."

"How do you feel, Growling Grenda?" The society leader asked.

"I feel great!" Grenda replied as she was lead away. "I can't even remember what was wrong! Or what I'm doing here! Or if I'm a man or a woman!"

"Your memories will be safe with us, buried in the Hall of the Forgotten," the leader said. He removed the tube from the ray gun, writing '(Growling) Grenda Grendanator' on the side.

" _Into the Hall of the Forgotten. Into the Hall of the Forgotten_ ," the members chanted.

"Meeting adjourned," the leader announced.

"Unsee you later."

"Unsee you later."

"Unsee you later!"

"Amazing," Ford murmured. "A secret society of evil mind erasers." He turned to Chiu. "I bet they erased your memory a long time ago. If we could find where your memories have been hidden, it could be the key to unlocking all the mysteries of Gravity Falls." He looked at the rest of the group. "Alright Stan, Bella, Dan, you guys stay here and make sure those robe guys don't come back."

"You got it," Dan nodded.

"Ria, Fiddleford, Chiu and I will go find the Hall of the Forgotten," Ford said. Ria knelt down to get a closer look at the pipe that sucked away Grenda's memories. Her hat got sucked inside.

"Follow that hat!" Fiddleford pointed. The four of them ran after the hat.

"Halt!" A voice boomed out. "Is someone there?!"

"What do we do?" Chiu panicked. "Where do we go?"

\-----

Two members walked around the corner, spotting a diorama. What they didn't know was that the diorama was actually Ford, Fiddleford, Ria, and Chiu. One member walked forward and tried to fix Chiu's eyes, but they kept sliding apart.

"Man, these are really poorly made," the member said. "I could have sworn I heard someone."

"Probably just the janitor kissing that wax settler woman again," the second member said as they walked off.

"Whoof! Remind me to erase _that_ from my memory!" The first member responded. Ford sighed in relief. He spotted Ria's hat zooming overhead.

"There it is!" He said. "Hurry!"

They followed the hat to a room, where it landed on the head of a statue. All around the room were stacks of memory tubes.

"Honey fogelin', saltlickin' skullduggery!" Chiu exclaimed.

"Haha, man, you gotta teach me some of those old lady swear words," Ria laughed.

\-----

Meanwhile, Stan, Bella, and Dan were still sitting in the main chamber. Stan sighed sadly.

"I just don't get it, guys," he said. "I hug a lot, I can burp the alphabet, I have scratch and sniff stickers. Why does every girl leave me?"

Bella mumbled something that sounded like 'I dunno'. She was laying upside down at the top of the stairs.

"Hey, don't get so hung up on it, man," Dan comforted.

"Maybe I just come on too strong," Stan mused.

"Well, what's your opener?" Bella asked, sitting up. "Here, practice on me."

Stan took a deep breath before smiling widely.

"Hi, I'm Stanley!" He said loudly. "I'm thirteen and own a goat! Wanna get married?"

Bella giggled.

"I think that was perfect," she said.

"You should just forget about girls, man," Dan said.

"Dan, that's it!" Stan realized. "Forget about girls!" He ran over to the memory gun and picked it up. "All I need to do is type 'summer romances' into this thing and I won't feel bad about them anymore!"

"Wait Stan, I don't think that's what he meant," Bella frowned.

"Yeah, hold up," Dan said. "We don't even know what that thing _does_. You could accidentally erase, like, learning to breathe, or read, or-"

"Or one of those annoying summer songs you can't get out of your head?" Stan asked, raising an eyebrow. Dan's eyes widened.

\-----

Ria, Chiu, Ford, and Fiddleford were still in the Hall of the Forgotten.

"Woah, look at all these tubes," Ford said.

"People must have been getting their memories erased all over town," Ria said.

"Guys, lookit this," Fiddleford held up a tube labeled _Stacey V. Memories._ He put the tube in a viewing machine.

_"Tell us, Stacey," the leader of the society said_ _off_ _screen. "What is it you have seen?"_

_"So_ _I_ _was attacked by this magic lightning chick," Stacey began. "I kicked her butt, though."_

_"Stacey, speak honestly," the_ _leader_ _scolded._

_"I was saved by a thirteen-year-old..." Stacey grumbled._

"Why are they erasing people's memories?" Ford asked. "I still don't get it!"

"Look, fellas!" Chiu pointed to a tube labeled _Chiu Memories._  "It is those words what people call me."

"Ms.Chiu, it's yer memories!" Fiddleford said happily. "We did it!"

"Grabby grabby!" Chiu said, taking the tube and accidentally setting off an alarm.

\-----

"I don't know, Stan," Dan said as Stan typed into the memory ray. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"I'm sure about everything!" Stan said proudly. He aimed the ray at himself when the alarm started flashing.

"What's that?" Bella asked.

\-----

"The alarm in my brain is a-ringing again!" Chiu exclaimed. She yelled as the stone eye moved to look at her.

"Halt! Who's there?!" A society member yelled.

"Oh no!" Ford cried.

"Run!" Ria yelled. Ford, Fiddleford, and Ria ran off while Chiu hid.

"Come back here!" The member chased after the three of them.

"Oh, you have really stuck it up now, Candy," Chiu said to herself. "This is all your fault." She paused, looking at her hair. "Why does my hair have a ring? Does that even make sense? How come no one has pointed that out?"

\-----

Ria, Ford, and Fiddleford were hiding in a secret hallway.

"Ok, I think we're safe," Ford panted. Suddenly, three pairs of hands reached out from the dark and covered everyone's eyes from behind.

"We playing guess who?" Ria asked. "Dude, I know it's you, Ford." She reached up to feel the hands covering her eyes. "Wait, this hand has only five fingers. Fidds?"

The hands pulled the three back into the darkness.

\-----

Everyone except Chiu was tied to a pole.

"You should not have come here," the leader spoke. "We don't give up our secrets lightly."

"Who are you bathrobe-wearing freaks?!" Dan snapped.

"Why are you doing this?" Ford asked.

"And what's with your creepy British accent?" Stan added.

"Well, I suppose we are going to erase your mind's anyway," the leader said. One by one, the members began to remove their hoods.

"Thompson Determined?" Stan said.

"Gideon Gleeful?" Bella said.

"That farmer guy?" Fiddleford said.

"Creepy dude that married a woodpecker?" Ria said. "You too? How's that working out, by the way?"

"Oh great, great," the man nodded. He leaned in and whispered. "Not great."

"And you've never met me before," the leader said. "And if you had, you wouldn't remember." He removed his hood, revealing a bald tattooed head and a red scar through one eye. "I am Blind Ivan, and we are the Society of the Blind Eye. Formed many years ago by our founder... our founder... Does anyone remember who she was?"

The members looked around at each other.

"We've been using that ray on ourselves an awful lot," Gideon chuckled.

"Why would you do all this?" Ford asked. "What do you have to gain?"

"As you have no doubt discovered, Gravity Falls is a town plagued with supernatural strangeness," Blind Ivan began. "No one knew how to stop the things that went bump in the night, so our founder invented the next best thing: a way for us to forget. We took it upon ourselves to help the troubled townsfolk by erasing the memories of the strange things they've seen. Now the people of Gravity Falls go about their lives ignorant and happy, thanks to us. And as a perk, we help ourselves forget things that trouble us. Everyone has something they'd rather forget. In fact, your own brother was about to use that ray on himself. Isn't that right?"

"Stan? Really?" Ford asked.

"Hehe, maybe..." Stan admitted nervously.

"Don't you see? This is ruinin' lives!" Fiddleford cried. "What 'bout Ms. Chiu? She lives in a hut an' talks ta animals 'cause'a you! Don't ya feel bad about that?"

"Mmmaybe a little..." Ivan said. He shot the memory gun at his head. "But not anymore. You won't be telling anyone else what you've learned here." He typed 'Summer' into the device. "Say goodbye to your summer."

He aimed the ray at them, and the group of friends began to panic.

"Guys, if we're gonna forget everything, there's some stuff I wanna get off my chest," Ria said. "Stan, Ford, for half the summer I thought Stan was the one with six fingers. No one corrected me!"

"I only like _some_ of my action figures, and the guilt is killing me!" Stan admitted.

"Sometimes I use big words, and I don't actually know what they mean!" Ford said. "I mean, I'm supposed to be the smart guy! If I'm not the smart guy, who am I?!"

"Sometimes Ah'm scared that Ah'm gonna get hurt or worse just 'cause'a who Ah am!" Fiddleford cried.

"Stan, since the beginning of the summer, I've had a crush on you!" Bella said. "I've just been too scared to say anything!"

"Ok, I'm not actually laid back!" Dan admitted. "I'm stressed, like, 24/7! Have you _met_ my family?!"

"Oh, stop being a bunch of babies," Ivan rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Crazy Chiu jumped from the ceiling and knocked the ray gun out of Ivan's hand. "Owie!"

"Chiu?!" The group cried.

"I raided the mining display for weapons," Chiu said, untying the group.

"Amazin'!" Fiddleford exclaimed. "Alright everyone, grab a weapon and fight like a hillbilly!"

Everybody grabbed a weapon. Dan grabbed a banjo, Stan grabbed stuffed raccoons, Bella grabbed a shovel, ect. Ria picked up an informational plaque about dysentery.

"Oh, nobody better mess!" She said.

"They know too much!" Ivan yelled. "Don't let them escape!"

The members of the society began to fight with the group. Dan attacked a member with the banjo.

"Get this song outta your head!" He yelled.

"Dysentery's gonna get you, dawg!" Ria said, chasing a member with the plaque.

"I gotta get the memory tube," Ford said.

"Oh no you don't!" The club guard shouted. Ford gasped, slipping the memory tube into a transport tube. It zoomed around the room.

"Lee, catch!" Ford yelled. Stan was about to grab the tube, but the farmer guy beat him to it.

"I'll take that, thank you," he said. "Give it up, boy. You're no match for the unstoppable power of-" Stan moved the transport tube to suck up the farmer's robe, leaving him in his underwear. The man yelled, tossing the memory tube. "That's right, I don't wear nothin' under my robe. Not gonna apologize for that. Maybe y'all should apologize for bein' a bunch of prudes."

"Eww!" The others shuddered. Except for Bella, who was laughing.

"Well, time to erase that forever," Ria said, holding the memory gun to her head. Blind Ivan snatched it from her.

"Give me that tube!" He yelled at Fiddleford, who had caught the memory. The small boy shook with fear until Ford stood in front of him.

"Never!" He defended. "That memory belongs to Chiu!"

"The Society's secrets belong to us!" Ivan yelled. He cornered the group, aiming the memory gun at them. "End of the line. By tomorrow, this will all seem like a bad dream. Say goodbye to your precious memories."

"NO!" Ford screamed as Ivan fired the gun. Suddenly, Chiu jumped in front of the group, absorbing the blast. "Chiu! You took a bullet for us..." Chiu was shot again. "Oh my gosh! Are you ok?"

"Ok as I will ever be!" Chiu laughed and blinked one eye at a time.

"What?" Fiddleford gaped. Chiu began to slowly walk towards Ivan.

"Why... isn't... this... working?!" He yelled, shooting at Chiu with every word.

"Hit me with your best shot, Baldy," Chiu said. "But my mind has been gone for thirty-odd years. You can not break what is already broken!" She finally reached Ivan. "Say goodnight, Sally!"

She headbutted Ivan, knocking him out.

\-----

The members of the Society of The Blind Eye were all tied up against the same pole.

"Unhand us!" Blind Ivan yelled, struggling against the ropes.

"Not very fun being tied up, is it?" Bella sneered.

"Hey, wanna draw on their faces?" Stan asked, holding up a marker.

"What?" Ivan said. Stan crossed out the 'Knowledge' tattoo on his head and wrote 'BUTTS' instead. "Hey, stop that! That's not funny!"

"Hehe, it is kinda funny," Fiddleford chuckled.

"It's like, objectively funny, dude," Dan laughed.

"We'll have our revenge," Ivan glared. "We'll never forget what you've done!"

"Oh, I have a feeling you just might," Ford said, typing _Society of The Blind Eye_ into the memory gun and aiming it at the members. "Say cheese."

\-----

The twins, Bella, Fiddleford, and Chiu stood outside the museum as the no-longer-members walked out in normal clothes.

"Thanks for visiting the Museum for Inventors Appreciation Week," Ford said. "Be sure to tip the inventor on your way out."

"I'm sorry, but..." Ivan stopped, turning around. "What's my name? Where am I?"

"Oh, might have overdone that one," Ford frowned.

"Your name is Toot-toot McBumbersnazzle!" Stan smiled. "You're a traveling banjo minstrel, with a song in your heart, and funny tattoos on your head."

"Yes," Ivan, or 'Toot-toot' said, taking the banjo. "I am Toot-toot McBumbersnazzle. Cheers!" He walked off, playing the banjo. " _Toot-toot is my name..._ "

The rest of the group walked inside, but Stan hung back.

"Hey, Bella?" He said. The teen looked back, stopping before entering the building.

"Yeah? What's up?" She asked. _What's_ _up? Seriously? I know_ _what's_ _up!_ _He's_ _saying something!_

"Um, about what you said... you know, back there," Stan began nervously. "Did you really mean it?"

"Oh... yeah," Bella blushed, looking down. "I did."

"Oh," Stan said. Bella waited for him to say something. "Huh. Well, I've never tried dating a friend. Maybe it'll work."

"R-really?" Bella looked up, smiling.

"Yeah," Stan smiled back. "Come on. The others are probably waiting for us."

He walked into the building, taking Bella's hand as he passed.

\-----

"Alright, Chiu," Ford said. He was standing in front of the memory player, holding the memory tube. "You ready to see your memories? Find out who you really are?"

"Eh... I am not sure," Chiu said nervously. "What if I do not like what I see?"

"We've come all this way, Ms. Chiu," Fiddleford said. "Go on."

Chiu took the memory tube and put it in the player. An image of Chiu, 30 years younger, appeared on the screen.

 _"My name is Candy Sweetooth Chiu, and_ _I_ _wish to unsee what_ _I_ _have_ _seen," Candy said._

The group gasped.

"Holy sweet tooth," Chiu whispered.

 _"For the past year,_ _I have_ _been working with a visiting researcher: a close friend, and my fiancé," Candy said. "He has been cataloging his findings about_ _Gravity_ _Falls in a_ _series_ _of journals. I helped him to build a machine which he thought had the potential to help all of mankind. But something went wrong. I_ _decided_ _to break up with him and quit the project. But_ _I_ _lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what_ _I_ _had done, and the love which_ _I_ _still possess for him. I believe_ _I_ _have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories- and him- from my mind." She held up the memory ray. "Test subject One: Candy."_

_She shot the ray and the screen became static. It came back to a_ _smiling_ _Candy._

_"It worked!" She said happily. "I_ _cannot_ _recall a thing! Or even his name!_

_Static._

_"I_ _call_ _it the Society of The Blind Eye," Candy said, drawing in a notebook. "We will help people who want to forget by erasing_ _their_ _bad memories!_

_Static. Candy appeared more nervous._

_"Today_ _I_ _came_ _across a colony of little women, very upsetting," she said. "_ _I would_ _like to forget about_ _seeing_ _this._ _"_

_Static. Candy's lab is now a mess, and her arm is in a cast._

_"I accidentally hit another car in town today," she said. "I feel terri-bibble! T-terrible." She fixed her glasses. "_ _I have_ _been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects-"_

_Static. Candy's hair has grown longer_ _and_ _she is filming from a motel._

_"I saw something in the lake!" She cried, tugging on her hair. "Something big!"_

_Static._

_"My_ _hair has_ _been_ _a-gettin' longer, so_ _I_ _started_ _tying it up," Candy smiled. "Hey, are my pants on backwards?"_

_Static. Candy was filming from the_ _junkyard. She was very manic and crazy._

_"Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov!" Candy laughed crazily. She made a_ _triangle_ _around_ _her eye with her fingers._

_The tape ends._

The group stared in shock and disbelief.

"Oh... Chiu. I'm so sorry," Ford said. Chiu walked forward and took her memory tube.

"Aw, hush," she smiled kindly. "You kids helped me get my memories back, just like you said."

"But... did ya  _want_ those memories?" Fiddleford asked.

"After all these years, I finally know who I am," Chiu said. "Maybe I messed up in the past, but now that I seen what happened, I can begin to put myself together again. Thanks for opening my eyes."

"So, wait, you weren't the author, but you were dating and working with him," Ford said. "Do you remember who it was?"

"It is beginning to come back, but I need more time," Chiu said. She spotted a pair of green-tinted glasses and put them on. "And reading glasses. Heck!" One of the lenses fell out. "I've got some remembering to do!"

"So Stan, you still wanna erase those failed summer romances?" Dan asked, holding the memory gun. Stan watched Chiu, who was looking at her memory tube happily.

"...You know, no one likes bad memories," Stan said. "But maybe it's better to remember the bad things and learn from them than to go all denial crazy trying to forget. Besides, I have a better way to forget."

He smiled at Bella, who blushed.

"That's some mature junk right there," Dan nodded.

"Yup. That's me!" Stan said proudly. "Mr. Mature! Hey, who wants to help me vandalize this picture of my jerky ex-crush?"

They all murmured in agreement, doodling on the poster of Gabrielle.

\-----

The group climbed into Ria's truck.

"Hey, going on this adventure finally made me get that stupid song out of my head," Dan said. The radio turned on, playing _Straight Blanchin'._  "OH COME ON!"  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Chiu was sitting in the back seat with the kids, flipping through the journal.

"It all seems so familiar," she said. "Almost like I can remember..."

\-----

Back at the shack, Mabel was working on the portal in the basement. She was pouring fuel into a machine.

"Alright, you're getting closer," she spoke. "Everyday it's getting stronger." She approached the portal, holding a notebook and mug. The portal pulled the two items in. Mabel grabbed at her fez before it could be pulled away. "Haha, yes!"

A flying pipe hit her hand, causing her to yell out. She wrapped some bandages around her bloody hand.

"I don't care if it's dangerous," she said. "I don't care how long it takes. I'm gonna pull this off, and no one's gonna get in my way!"

The picture of Stan and Ford still sat on the desk.


	8. Blendin's Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blendin kidnaps Bella and the twins and they play a game so they don't die.
> 
> This is a kids' show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Lovable and happy character hates their birthday due to a tragic backstory' cliché.

_Infinetentiary, year 207̃012._

Blendin was on the run, wearing a cloak and glancing behind him. Two guards- their name tags read Lolph and Dundgren- were chasing after him.

" **HALT!** " A deep voice said.

"I've gotta hand it to this perp," Dundgren said. "No one's ever broken out of the Infinetentiary before."

"He's either the bravest time convict I've ever seen, or the dumbest," Lolph responded. Blendin turned and ran into a wall.

"OW!" He yelled. He stumbled backwards and tripped over some trash cans, causing his face to be revealed. "Oh, my time-knee! Oh, time-dang it!"

Two shadows loomed over Blendin and he looked up to see Lolph and Dundgren.

"Definitely the dumbest," Dundgren said to Lolph.

"Freeze!" Lolph yelled. "You're surrounded by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron. Anything you say can and already has been used against you in future court."

"This is it, Blendin," Dundgren said, pulling out a pair of glowing handcuffs. "The end of the time line. Any last words?"

"Uh-uh-uh-uh-I-I-I-I," Blendin stuttered. "I invoke GLOBNAR!"

The crowd muttered in shock and surprise. Dundgren put away the handcuffs and pulled out a tablet.

"Very well," he said. "Speak the name and century of those accused."

"The three kids that ruined my life," Blendin said. "Stanley and Stanford Pines and Bella McCreary. 21st century."

Dundgren's tablet searched for and found a live feed of the three kids. The twins were playfully hitting each other with baseball bats while Bella sat nearby, reading on her phone. The image appeared on every nearby screen with the words 'Globnar Tributes' over it.

"So be it," Lolph said. "May Time Baby have mercy on their souls."

\-----

The twins and Bella were standing in front of the vending machine in the Mystery Shack. Stan inserted some coins, pressed the buttons, and the three kids eagerly awaited the candy.

"Candy! Candy! Candy!" They chanted. A bag of chips fell, but it got stuck on the door.

"No! It's trapped!" Ford yelled.

"Everything is terrible forever!" Bella cried.

"Psst. Hey dudes," Ria said. "You wanna know a trick?" She hit the vending machine a few times and it opened. "A genius taught me that once." She grabbed a bunch of candy from the machine. "This just in, the weather forecast is calling for a... candy blizzard!"

Ria threw the candy into the air. The three kids caught the candy in their arms.

"Forget taking off the wrappers!" Stan exclaimed. "I'm eating these now!"

He stuffed a handful of candy into his mouth.

"Ria, you are the greatest human ever to live," Ford said in awe. Stan coughed, choking on the candy.

"THAT WAS A MISTAKE!" He shouted as he collapsed on the floor.

"Stan?" Bella looked down at him.

"Aw, don't sweat it, dawg," Ria said. She put some money into the machine. "I'd do anything for the Pines family- whether you're a member yet or not."

She winked at Bella.

"Ria! I need to scratch myself in three places at once!" Mabel called from the other room.

"And I mean anything," Ria said. "Coming, Ms. Pines!"

Stan hit himself in the stomach, trying to cough up all the candy.

"Stan, you're gonna hurt yourself," Bella warned. Ford spotted Ria's wallet on the table.

"Woah! Better make sure she gets her wallet back," Ford said, picking it up.

"Wait! I've never seen Ria's wallet before," Stan said, standing up. "Don't you wanna learn some Ria secrets?"

"I'm not sure if we should be-" Ford pulled out a Lazer Tag membership card. "Woah! Ria has a membership to Lazer Tag? I didn't know they let adults in there."

"And look!" Stan pulled out a piece of salami with a sticky note reading _Emergencies._  "Emergency salami. Ria, my respect for you has grown."

" _Maria Jésus Ramirez_ ," Bella read from Ria's driver's license.

" _Organ donor. Birthday: July 15_ ," Ford read. "Wait a minute. That's today!

"Cool, she's a Cancer!" Bella said.

"I wonder why she didn't say anything," Ford said.

"Uh-duh!" Stan rolled his eyes. "It's probably because she wants someone to throw her a surprise party; I can relate. I've been waiting for a surprise party my whole life."

Fiddleford ran over, throwing confetti on Stan.

"Surprise!" He announced. Stan slowly turned to narrow his eyes at him.

"Too little too late, McGucket," he said.

"Aww..." Fiddleford walked off sadly.

\-----

Everyone was outside, setting up a birthday party. Bella was painting a banner that said 'IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, YO!!!!!!'

"More exclamation points!" Stan ordered. "More I say!"

"Wow, you guys really thought of everything," Bella said.

"Babe, twins are born birthday experts," Stan explained. Ford carried a cake over and set it on the table.

"We've spent every birthday together, so we know how to make them perfect," Ford added with a smile. Him and Stan high-fived, touched heels, and blew a pair of party blowers. "Alright, places everyone. I hear footsteps."

"Everyone be quiet," Bella said as they hid behind the table. Fiddleford led Ria, who was wearing a blindfold, towards the party.

"Alright, you promised a giant hummingbird, so I'm expecting to see a giant hummingbird," Ria was saying.

"Three, two, one..." Fiddleford pulled off the blindfold, allowing Ria to see the party.

"Huh?" Ria frowned.

"SURPRISE!" Bella and the twins yelled, jumping out from behind the table.

"Happy birthday, you queen on Earth!" Stan smiled. "We got everything you love. Cake-flavored pizza, pizza-flavored cake, and one more treat..."

He led Ria over to a stage labeled 'Razzle-dazzler.' The curtains parted to reveal Thompson Determined, in a sparkly red leotard and a big sparkly blue bow, dancing.

"Razzle-dazzle, friends!" He said. "It's me, the Razz-dazzler! This is what my life has become!"

"I... I..." Ria said nervously.

"Quick! Everyone smile for the birthday smiles photo album!" Stan said, taking out a camera. Everyone gathered around and Stan took the picture. When it came out, he saw that Ria was... frowning?

"Ria, what's wrong?" He asked, looking at her.

"It's, uh... it's nothing," Ria said. "I, uh, gotta go dust some exhibits or something."

She walked off around the corner of the Mystery Shack. Mabel and Dan came around the corner, looking back at where Ria had disappeared to.

"Hey, did you guys see Ria?" Dan asked. "What happened to-" He turned to see the birthday party. "Oh no. Oh no no no! Ok, you guys didn't know, so it's totally not your fault, but Ria _hates_ her birthday."

"What?" The twins said.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"It's a total mystery," Dan said. "I guess she's been this way ever since she was a kid. Some weird personal biz."

"There's gotta be something we can do!" Stan said sadly.

"We've tried everything," Dan shook his head.

"I even petitioned the government to have this day removed from calendars," Mabel said. "Now I'm not allowed on airplanes."

She held up a mug shot of herself with the words 'BANNED' and 'DANGER FLIGHT RISK' stamped on it.

\-----

Ria was sitting on the porch of the Mystery Shack, looking at a post card. The words 'Hello! from New Orleans' were printed on the card. The others were watching her from behind the house.

"I dunno, guys," Dan said quietly. "Maybe we should just leave her alone, y'know?"

"No one should be alone on their birthday," Ford said. "There's gotta be a way to cheer her up. We just have to try harder."

"You're right, Ford," Stan nodded in agreement. "It's time for us to bring out the big guns."

\-----

The group was entering _Mr. ZZZ's Big Gunz Laser Tag._ The twins were leading a blindfolded Ria inside.

"Alright guys, blindfold me once, shame on you," Ria said. "Blindfold me twice- wait a minute. Hot dog smell? Sticky floors? Future sounds?" Ria took off her blindfold to see the Lazer Tag building. "Lazer tag? I-I love lazer tag. How'd you guys know?"

"Well, we _definitely_ didn't go through your wallet," Stan lied.

" _Welcome to the year 8000. Society: collapsed. Fog machines: everywhere,_ "the lazer tag announcer said.

"Are these walls just mattresses spray-painted purple?" Dan asked, feeling the wall.

"I think this place used to be a mattress store," Mabel said.

"I-I dunno, guys," Ria said nervously. "I'm not sure if I'm feeling up for this today."

"C'mon, Ria," Fiddleford smiled. "It's all in good fun."

"Don't worry, Ria," Ford said. "Once you start playing with us, you're going to have a great time."

"We promise, no matter what happens, we won't leave your side," Stan nodded.

"Well, I guess I could give it a shot," Ria smiled lightly.

" _Prepare for laser battle!_ " The lazer tag announcer said. " _In three, two-_ "

The word 'GO!' appeared on a screen as a buzzer sounded. All the kids except the twins, Bella, Fiddleford, and Ria ran into the arena. Ria spotted her untied shoe.

"Uh oh, better tie these," she said, kneeling down to tie her shoes. Fiddleford stayed behind to wait for her, but Bella and the twins rushed on inside. Just before they entered the arena, the entrance became a small white room. Inside was Lolph and Dundgred.

"Wow, this is even cooler than I imagined!" Stan exclaimed in awe.

"Yeah!" Bella agreed. "I mean, look how real these laser people are!"

She kicked Lolph in the crotch.

" _Kick deflected! Thank you for buying Digi-cod: the smart codpiece!_ " The armor flashed.

"What the huh?" Bella said. Ford gasped and turned around to see the portal closing behind them.

"Oh no! Ria! Fidds!" He yelled.

The portal closed completely just as Ria and Fiddleford entered the lazer room.

"Stan? Ford?" Ria called, looking around.

"Bella? Y'all?" Fiddleford frowned.

\-----

"Ria! Fidds!" Ford cried from inside the portal. Stan tried kicking the wall.

"Nice try, kid," Lolph said. "But that's solid time-tanium."

"Enough with the time puns!" Bella groaned.

"There's only one way out of here," Lolph continued.

"Through me!"

Bella and the twins looked to see Blendin's head and hands.

"Oh, uh," Blendin messed with his watch as his suit changed backgrounds, "sorry. C-come on." His suit changed back to its normal gray. "Through me! And that's, what it would be like if I'd just... gotten it right the very first chance, but it's still as effective."

The kids gasped.

"The time traveler guy!" Stan exclaimed. "What was your name again? Blendo? Blondin?"

"I feel like it sounded like Brandon," Bella said thoughtfully. "Blandon?"

Ford snapped his fingers.

"Blar-blar," he said.

"There it is!" Stan agreed.

"It's Blendin!" Blendin yelled. "Blendin Blenjamin Blandin! How could you not know my name after you ruined my life?"

The kids looked at each other, confused.

"Initiate flashback!" Blendin said. He pressed a button on his watch and a holographic screen was projected. "It was after you stole my time device to win your stupid goat! I was cast out of the Time Anomaly Removal Crew; my whole life's purpose." On the screen, someone ripped off Blendin's name tag, and his gray suit became striped black-and-white. "And then I was given ten squared life sentences in time prison. I spent every day since then planning my vengeance." On screen, Blendin got lunch from the prison. He shaped the food into Stan, Ford, and Bella's faces before squishing them. The flashback turned off. "And now finally, it has come!"

"Look, we're sorry about all that, but we're in the middle of something really important right now," Ford said.

"Yeah! It's our friend's birthday, and we promised we wouldn't leave her side," Stan explained.

"She's really upset about the whole thing," Bella added. Blendin laughed.

"You think some stupid birthday matters right now?" He asked. "Do you know where you are right now? Welcome... to Globnar!"

The wall turned to bars to reveal the arena. People were falling through portals, being set on fire, fighting some kind of glob monster, fighting on a moving clock, and using age-changing weapons against each other.

"Is this a reality show?" Stan asked. "Are we in Japan?"

"That depends," Bella said. "Are there separate countries in the future?"

"It's gladiatorial time combat!" Blenin said. A man in a green suit fell down, while his opponent, in a blue suit, was lifted into the air on a rock. "The winner get a precious time wish, and then decides the loser's fate!"

The kids saw the loser shake with fear. The winner gave a thumbs up, but turned it down with a sinister smile. The loser screamed as he was vaporized with a purple beam.

"And you three have been officially challenged," Blendin smirked. "Dundgren! Get me my war paint."

"Ford, we need a way out of here!" Stan hissed.

"But how?" Bella whispered. Ford looked around, spotting the time device on Lolph's belt.

"I've got an idea," Ford said.

"Hang in there, Ria," Stan said. "We're coming for you."

\-----

Meanwhile, Ria and Fiddleford were alone in the lazer arena.

"Stan? Ford? Bella?" Ria called. "Uh, requesting backup!"

The two of them yelled and grunted when they began to get shot by lazers. Stacey approached them, laughing and shooting both of them.

"Lazer Stacey!" The teen girl laughed.

"Dudes?" Ria called nervously.

\-----

Back at the Globnar arena, Bella approached Lolph.

"OMG! Could it be?" Bella said. "My little, uh..." she peered at Lolph's name tag, "Lolphie! It's me! Your great-great-great-" she looked at Ford, who was hiding behind Lolph, questionably, and he motioned to keep going, "-great-great-great-" Ford motioned for her to stop, "great grandmother! From the past times."

Lolph glared at Bella menacingly, then smiled.

"Gam-gam?"

Stan slowly snuck the time device from Lolph's belt.

During this, Dundgren was painting Blendin's face with green paint.

"Yeah, neon green is a good color for me," Blendin was saying. "It's a good color, it's fierce-" He noticed Stan stealing the time device. "Who? What? No! You can't let them escape! Stop them!"

Blendin dived at the kids, who moved out of the way and tripped Dundgren. The kids ran towards the back of the white room.

"Gam-gam! How could you?!" Lolph cried.

"You thought I was Gam-gam, but it was I, Bella!" Bella said. "Heckin bamboozled again!"

Blendin and Dundgren yelled out in alarm.

"Hurry!" Stan yelled. "Back to Ria's birthday!"

"Ok! I think... I've... got it!" Ford said. He let go of the time tape and linked arms with Stan, who in turn linked arms with Bella. The three friends disappeared and then reappeared in midair. They screamed as they fell and landed on a mattress.

"Uhh... are we back?" Stan groaned, looking around.

"Oh no, look!" Ford pointed out. "Guys, the lazer place is a mattress store! We went too far in the past!"

"Time travel, man!" Bella complained. "Why you gotta be so complicated?"

A flash of light appeared. The kids hid under the bed as Blendin, Lolph, and Dundgren appeared on another bed. Blendin was now wearing a pair of futuristic handcuffs.

"It looks like they overshot their destination by ten years," Dundgren observed.

"I don't see them," Blendin fretted, wiping off his face paint. "You better find those kids!"

"You'll get your justice, Blendin," Lolph assured.

"I'm going to keep stammering until you find them!" Blendin said. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...!"

He walked off towards the door.

"I hate that guy," Lolph complained.

"Let's move," Dundgren ordered. The two time guards flipped over a mattress and landed at the door. They cheered and high-fived before following after Blendin. Bella and the twins crawled out from under the bed.

"Ok, we just have to go forward ten years and we can be back before Ria and Fiddleford know we're missing," Ford said.

"Oh no!" Stan gasped, seeing the destroyed time tape. It was dented and blue electricity traveled around it. "The time thingy, it's broken!"

"Can you fix it?" Bella asked Ford as he picked up and looked at the device.

"Maybe," Ford said. "I'll need some tools." He spotted a sign saying 'MYSTERY SHACK 1 mile' on it. "And I think I know where to get some."

\-----

The three kids were walking down the street.

"Let's try to lay low," Ford said. "We don't want to change the future. Or cause the future. I forget how this works, exactly."

"Wow, ten years in the past," Stan said in wonder. Young Stacey ran by, chasing and squirting young Toby with a water gun. "Everything is same-y, but different-y."

"Man, I'm only like, three in this time," Bella thought out loud. "I didn't even know Fidds yet."

Thompson Determined was dancing in a studio as Bella and the twins passed. He hummed to himself as he danced.

"Look out Broadway, here I come!" Thompson smiled. Stan tapped on the glass to get Thompson's attention.

"This dream goes nowhere, Thompson!" Stan yelled.

"Aw, man!" Thompson whined.

The three kids continued to walk. Young Dan, Ed, and Daryl rode up to them on tricycles.

"Woah!" Ford said as they skidded to a stop.

"Whoops, sorry," Dan said. Daryl leaned over to whisper in Dan's ear. The young boy pointed at Ford. "My friend thinks you're kinda cute."

"W-wha- Danny!" Daryl became flustered. "Shut up!"

He shoved Dan off of his trike.

"Ow, hey!" Dan cried.

"Oh, uh, thanks?" Ford said. "That's kinda weird, because you're super young."

"Hehe, now you know how Dan feels," Bella joked after Dan, Ed, and Daryl rode off.

"Hehe, yeah, I uh..." Ford paused as he realized. "Oh. Oh wow."

\-----

At the past Mystery Shack, a younger Mabel was showing a group of tourists around the wax museum. Bella and the twins were hiding behind a tree.

"Alright, the coast is clear," Ford whispered as he removed his lazer vest.

"Now's our chance," Stan said as he slipped off his own vest. The three kids snuck in through the window, landing in the gift shop.

"Haha, bingo!" Ford cheered, grabbing a red screwdriver. "Now let's see..."

"Aw, come on, candy!" A young girl wearing a party hat was standing in front of the vending machine. "Fall, fall!"

The girl pounded on the glass.

"Allow me," Bella volunteered, walking over. "You just gotta know a guy on the inside." She copied Ria's method of opening the vending machine. The door popped open and Bella reached inside, pulling out some candy. "Jackpot!"

She turned to face the girl and gasped in shock.

_Ria!_

"Wow, thanks dawg," the young Ria said, taking the candy. "You must be some kinda genius."

Ria walked off, leaving the three kids by themselves.

"Alright, I think I've almost got it working..." Ford said, still messing with the time tape.

"Guys!" Bella whispered, shaking the twins. "Guys, look!"

She turned them to see Ria, who was looking wistfully at a Mystery Shack t-shirt.

"No," Ford's eyes widened.

"Way," Stan finished. An older man- Ria's Abuelito- walked over and took Ria's hand.

" _Mi preciosa,_ you keep wandering off," Abuelito scolded lightly. "You don't want to be late for your big day."

"Sorry, Abuelito," Ria said. The two of them left.

"Big day?" Stan repeated. "This could be the birthday where that personal biz went down!"

"We could finally find out why Ria hates her birthday!" Bella realized. Ford looked down at the fixed time device.

"Alright, but let's make it quick," he nodded.

\-----

Bella and the twins were at Ria's house, hiding in the bushes. In the backyard was the birthday party. Kids ran around, yelling and playing. Two men stood on either side of Ria.

"Who's a beautiful birthday girl?" One asked.

"You are!" The other said, pinching Ria's cheek. Ria laughed as they walked off. Abuelito chucked, walking over and carrying a box.

"Oh Ria, the men love you, don't they?" He said.

"They're my cousins, Grandpa!" Ria said. "Gross!"

"I got you a princess cake!" Abuelito said, opening the box to reveal the cake.

"Man, I don't know why Ria hates her birthday," Ford said. "This looks great!"

Ria was licking the frosting off of a princess figurine. She saw a kid sit down in the chair at the head of the table.

"Uh, sorry dude, but could you move?" She asked kindly. "That's the seat of honor."

"Who's it for?" The kid asked.

"Oh, it's for my mom, actually," Ria smiled sheepishly. "I haven't seen her in like, eight years. But she's coming today!" She heard the doorbell ring. "That must be her!"

Ria wiped off her face and adjusted her party hat. She ran inside to the door, and Bella and the twins watched her through the window. Ria took a deep breath and let it out.

"Alright Ria, today's the big day," she said to herself. "Be cool. Be. Cool."

She opened the door with a smile on her face, but it fell upon seeing the mailman.

"Postcard for... Ria," the mailman said, looking at the card. Ria took the postcard and closed the door. It was the same postcard older Ria had been looking at earlier that day. Young Ria turned over the card to read the back.

" _Sorry, Sweetie._ _Couldn't_ _make it this year. Real_ _busy_ _again. See you next year for sure. Mom,_ " Ria read allowed, becoming sadder and sadder.

"Hey, don't sweat it, cuz," a younger Regina comforted Ria. "You'll see her next year."

"Yeah... next year," Ria said sadly. She pulled out a box filled with postcards, all from different places but seemingly with the same message. She dropped the new postcard in and picked up the box. "I'm gonna go lie down. You dudes party without me."

Ria walked off to her room.

"Wait! What about your presents?!" Abuelito cried. He picked up a wrapped keyboard and pressed a key through the paper. A 'Yayuh!' sounded from the toy.

"So _that's_ why Ria doesn't like her birthday," Ford whispered. "It's the day she realized her mom wasn't coming back."

"So... how much partying can fix that?" Stan asked uncertainly.

"I don't think any partying can..." Bella frowned. Young Stacey shot a water gun in Ford's face.

"Hehehe, dorks," she laughed. "Young Stacey!"

\-----

Ria was sitting glumly in her room. Abuelito stood outside her door with a plate of cookies.

"Ay, Ria's mother is a deadbeat!" Abuelito said angrily. " _¡Si alguna vez muestra su rostro aquí de nuevo, voy a romper su extremidad de la extremidad!_ " He cleared his throat before entering Ria's room. "Riiiaa! I made you cookies shaped like flowers!"

"I don't want cookies," Ria pouted. "I wanna see Mom again."

"And she wants to see you, too," Abuelito said. "She's just... busy."

"Busy in New Orleans," Ria huffed.

"Aye, yes..." Abuelito agreed. "Trust me, you will feel better one day."

The kids were watching from outside the window.

"Ugh, this is awful," Stan groaned.

"We promised Ria a happy birthday, but how can we give her that now?" Ford asked.

Yeah! We can't fix this!" Bella frowned.

"Th-this way!" The heard Blendin yell.

"Uh-oh. Hide!" Ford hissed.

Lolph, Dundgren, and Blendin walked around the corner to where Bella and the twins had been a moment before.

"They've gotta be around here somewhere," Blendin said. "I-I think I heard them!"

He looked towards the tree in the yard.

"Freeze!" Lolph yelled, shooting a laser at the tree, destroying it. Behind the tree was Stacey. The small girl began to cry and ran off, dropping her water gun.

"Moooooommy!"

"Trace their chronosignatures," Lolph ordered.

"Man, the sooner I defeat those kids in Globnar, the sooner I can get my time wish," Blendin said, sitting down at a picnic table.

"I'll tell you what I'd do if I had a time wish," Dundgren said. "Retire early, spend more time with the kids."

"Naing niang niang niang niang, with the kids!" Blendin mocked. "Don't you know a time wish can literally do anything?! Any impossible problem solved, just like that?" He snapped his fingers. "I mean, imagine the possibilities!"

"Bella, Lee, that's it!" Ford whispered from their hiding spot. "The time wish! If we defeat Blendin in that space battle-"

"-Then we can wish that Ria's mom came to her 12th birthday party!" Stan finished.

"And Ria's birthdays would be fixed forever!" Bella smiled, snapping her fingers. "All of them!"

"But do you really think we can win Globnar?" Stan asked.

"It's the only chance we have," Ford said. "Besides, it's for Ria. She'd do the same thing for us." The three of them walked out from behind the tree, their hands behind their heads. "Here we are, Blendin. We surrender."

"It's them!" Blendin pointed out.

"Freeze!" Dundgren ordered, pulling out his laser gun and aiming it at them.

"Careful, they're from the past," Lolph warned, aiming his own laser gun. "They might have powder muskets or slap bracelets."

"Slap bracelets...?" Bella narrowed her eyes at the men. "Really?"

"Look guys, no tricks this time," Ford assured. "We're ready to fight you, ok?"

"Yes!" Blendin cheered. "Let the Globnar begin! Prepare... for... GLOBNAAAAA-"

He was cut off when a green mute button appeared in front of his mouth.

"Hey, turns out I can mute him," Lolph smiled.

"Man, I wish we'd known that earlier," Dundgren said.

"Initializing!" Lolph announced. He pressed a button on his wrist. The group disappeared in a flash of white light, leaving a red screwdriver behind.

\-----

They reappeared at the Globnar arena. The crowd chanted 'Globnar' over and over. The newly-arrived group was shown on a large TV screen at the end of the arena. A big hole opened on the other end of the arena. Time Baby floated out of it.

"SILENCE!" Time Baby ordered in a deep voice. The entire arena became quiet, except for one person who was still cheering. Time Baby shot him with lazers from his eyes.

"That is one big baby," Bella murmured.

"Welcome Globnar tributes!" Time Baby said, raising his arms. "I have a very important nap to get to so let's make this quick. You each have a chance to settle your time-feud through gladiatorial combat."

A flying robot carried over a baby bottle in the shape of an hourglass. The bottle was filled with a universe-looking substance.

"You will have until Time Baby finishes drinking the cosmic sand in the hourglass," the robot explained. He tried to feed Time Baby, but he turned away.

"No," Time Baby protested.

"Come on," the robot said, poking Time Baby with the bottle.

"Ow!" Time Baby whined.

"It's good for you," the robot said and poked Time Baby again, causing him to whine.

"Get ready, kids," Blendin smirked. "When I get that time wish, you'll wish you were never born. Or rather, you'll wish you _were_ born, because I'm gonna wish you were never born!"

"Um, actually, can I not fight?" Bella said quietly, but no one heard her. "I'm kinda a pacifist..."

"Dream on!" Ford snapped. "There's three of us!"

"And we have hair!" Stan taunted.

"O-oh yeah? Well I have _training_!" Blendin yelled. He twirled a spear, pointing it at the kids. "What do you think I did in prison all that time?"

"Uh oh," Stan worried.

"Let the Globnar... BEGIN!" Time Baby announced. Lightning flashed and a scoreboard lit up, showing each team with zero points. The handcuffs dropped from Blendin and the kids' wrists.

The four of them proceeded to fight through various events. Blendin and Ford fought with giant sticks on a clock. Blendin pushed Ford away and Stan jumped at him, but Blendin knocked him away as well. Blendin jumped over the moving hands on the clock, but the twins tripped. Blendin earned a point.

Next they were racing on futuristic bikes. They raced around a loop upside-down. Bella and the twins did a wheelie, speeding up and crossing the finish line first, earning a point.

Blendin and Ford were playing a futuristic version of what seemed to be chess (with Bella and Stan watching from behind Ford) when a monster with a clock for a face interrupted them.

After a lot more games (including Blendin chasing the kids on a giant wheel, Blendin and Bella having a hotdog eating contest, the four of them fighting in robotic cuckoo clock suits, having a wheelbarrow race, Stan and Blendin fighting with spears on unicycles on a tightrope while Ford and Bella swam through clocks to escape from a time shark, and playing a game that resembled a giant Jenga), the four tributes worked together to push a clock-faced monster through a door in the wall.

"Very good," Time Baby said. "You have defeated the Cyclocks."

"Yes!" Blendin cheered. "Blendin for the almost-win!"

He looked at the scoreboard, which showed him with 764 points, and Bella and the twins with 763 points.

"There is only one final challenge for Globnar," Time Baby said, sucking on his toes. "An ancient game, thousands of years old, chosen for its exemplification of pure strategy: the ancient art... of Laser Tag!" A lazer tag arena and lazer guns appeared. "The one who touches the victory orb first will win!"

"Lazer tag? Seriously?" Ford asked.

"Oh, I know it doesn't seem that challenging now, but just wait till they turn on that fog machine," Blendin smirked. "You'll be done for! You just wait until ya-"

He was cut off by his lazer vest saying " _Hit!_ ". He looked at Ford, who had been the one to shoot him. Ford hit him four more times, and each time, the vest let out a " _Hit!_ "

"Aw man," Blendin said sadly.

"Bella, Stan, grab the orb!" Ford yelled to the two kids, who were running towards the time wish.

"Got it!" Stan yelled back. Him and Bella both touched the glowing orb, making everything go white.

Time Baby finished drinking the cosmic sand.

"It is finished!" He announced. The robot patted his back and he burped. The crowd cheered loudly as the kids' score went up to 999.

"No! No! No! No! Nooooo!" Blendin screamed. The kids cheered and high-fived.

"You have made victory in Globnar," Time Baby told Bella and the twins. "Before I give you your time wish, tell us; what fate do you decide for the loser?"

"Oh jeez..." Blendin worried, sweating nervously.

"DEATH!" Stan yelled.

" _Stan_ ," Bella hissed angrily.

"Sorry," Stan said. "Got a bit carried away there."

The three kids huddled together.

"So Blendin did try to wish us out of existence, but it is kinda our fault for ruining his life," Ford said quietly.

"Yeah, and he's kinda too sad to be a real bad guy," Stan added.

"Maybe if we be nice to him, he'll be nice to us," Bella smiled. The kids turned to Time Baby.

"Okay," Ford began. "As long as you keep an eye on him, we'd like to set Blendin free, and restore his position at the Time Anomaly Correction Unit."

"And give him pretty hair!" Stan added.

"So be it," Time Baby said. Blendin's handcuffs fell off.

"W-what? You'd do that for me?" Blendin asked. Mustache-shaped hair grew on his head. He waved his hands happily. "I got my job back!" He placed a hand on Lolph's chest. "I feel like hugging somebody!"

"I can kill you in eight different ways," Lolph threatened.

"Yes sir," Blendin said, moving his hand.

"Now, children," Time Baby said, rubbing his face. "What is it that you want for your time wish?"

A golden, glowing orb floated down in front of Bella, Stan, and Ford.

"Thanks, but the wish... isn't for us," Bella smiled softly.

"Not you?" Time Baby asked. "But then _who_? Who is worthy to receive such power?"

\-----

At the Lazer Tag building, Ria and Fiddleford were still searching for Bella and the twins.

"Stan? Ford? Bella?" Ria called. "Aw, who am I kidding? I'm not up for this."

"Ah'm sorry, Ria," Fiddleford said as the two of them walked towards the exit.

"It's ok, Fidds," Ria sighed. She took out a coin. "Alright. Heads I stay, tails I go home and make some flower-shaped cookies."

Time began to slow down. A kid drinking from a water fountain froze. Two kids playing lazer tag slowed to a stop. Ria's coin stopped in midair. The only ones moving were Ria and Fiddleford.

"Uh," Fiddleford frowned, looking around. Ria flicked at her coin, "that's unconventional."

A flash of light behind Ria and Fiddleford, and Bella and the twins appeared with Blendin.

"Ria! Fidds!" The kids called.

"G-guys?" Ria said in disbelief.

"Where have ya been?" Fiddleford asked.

"Well, we got caught up in this time travel junk-" Ford began.

"And then there was a time cyclops-" Bella continued.

"And don't forget about the-" Stan chuckled.

"Time race!" The three of them finished together.

"But the point is, Ria, we think we know how to fix your birthdays," Stan explained.

"Woah, really?" Ria asked. "Wait, you guys did all of that... just for me?"

"And that's not all," Blendin interrupted. He pressed a button on his watch, and the time wish floated forward. "Behold your time wish! The power to alter time paradox-free in any way you choose."

"We think the only way to make you happy is to meet your mom," Ford smiled.

"But the choice is yours," Bella said.

"You mean I can finally see my mom again by touching this thing?" Ria asked, pointing at the time wish. "And you dudes battled through time and space just to get this for me?"

She took out the postcard from New Orleans, looking at it in her hands.

"Whatcha waiting for, Ria?" Stan asked. Ria looked at the postcard one more time and put it away.

"Ok, here goes," she reached out to touch the time wish. White light filled the room, and when it cleared, Bella and the twins were cleaned up from their battles. They made noises of confusion, looking up at Ria.

"Boom! Fixed you dudes up," The woman smiled.

"But Ria, what about meeting your mom?" Ford asked.

"Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who love and care about you," Ria said. "But you know what? That girl didn't care about me enough to visit me once, let alone fight monsters like you dudes. Heck, Fidds stayed with me during the game, and he could've bailed any time. You dudes did all that just to make me happy. I've been being ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my mom was, she can take a hike." Ria threw the postcard away. "I know who my family is now, and it's you dudes." She hugged the four kids. "Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever."

"Are you kidding me?!" Blendin yelled. "Do you have any idea what you just wasted?! Do you how many have died to get the time wish; the wars that were started?!"

"Oh, that's not all, dude," Ria said. She held up a slice of pizza. "I also wished for this slice of infinite pizza. Watch." She took a bite of the pizza and it regenerated itself. "And it can do that for like, infinity."

The rest of them mumbled in agreement, saying how it was a good wish.

"Hey y'all, there's still ten minutes a'fore Lazer Tag closes," Fiddleford spoke up. "Ya wanna play a round?"

"Yeah," Ford smiled. Ria and the kids ran into the lazer zone, laughing. "Happy birthday, Ria."  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Young Ria was in her backyard, looking around.

"Woah, I thought I heard an explosion," she spoke aloud. She spotted the red screwdriver Ford had dropped and picked it up. "Woah, what's this?" She read the printing on the side. " _Mystery Shack_."

\-----

Ria arrived at the Mystery Shack in time to see Mabel and a boy outside.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you're cut out for this job," Mabel said.

"Aw man..." the boy said sadly, walking off.

"Um, excuse me, ma'am?" Ria piped up.

"Oh, hi there," Mabel smiled. "Hey, you good at cleaning?"

"Uh, well, yeah, I guess..." Ria said, unsure.

"Boom!" Mabel threw the pink Mystery Shack shirt Ria had been looking at earlier at her. "You're hired. One size fits all." Mabel approached a group of tourists. "Step right up to the Mystery Shack folks, step right up..."

Ria looked happily at Mabel.


	9. The Love God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella and Stan try to add a lesbian couple to the town.

It was a partly cloudy day. The twins, Bella, Fiddleford, Dan, Ed, Daryl, Shandra, and Toby were laying in the cemetery, watching the clouds.

"Woah! That cloud looks like a chipmunk!" Stan pointed to the cloud. An airplane flew out of its mouth.

"Barfing an airplane!" Dan added with a laugh. The others laughed along.

"That one looks like an angry dragon," Bella pointed at the vaguely-shaped cloud.

"Ah don't see it," Fiddleford said. The others, except for Stan, mumbled in agreement.

"Hey, it kinda does," Stan said. Toby pointed at a waffle-shaped cloud.

"That cloud looks like... uh... a cloud!" He said.

"Boooo!" Ed said.

"Toby, stop being the worst at _everything_!" Dan laughed.

"Hehe, sorry guys," Toby chuckled. The rest of them laughed.

"Oh oh, that cloud looks like a big heart-shaped balloon!" Stan pointed at a pink and red hot air balloon.

"Hey, clouds don't come in colors," Ford sat up. "That _is_ a balloon!"

"Fidds, it's the Woodstick festival!" Bella cheered. The two of them sat up.

"Wait, the wood-what?" Ford asked.

"It's this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon's up-and-coming indie bands," Dan explained, taking Shandra's phone.

"Hey!" Shandra exclaimed, glaring at Dan. The boy was swiping through pictures of the bands.

"They're all coming!" He said. "Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything, the Love God! You've probably seen him in that viral video."

He turned the phone sideways to show a video.

_"Who's ready to fall in love tonight?!"_ _Love_ _God asked. The crowd cheered loudly. The Love God tripped off stage and fell face-first into the camera. "Whoa! Ow! I hope nobody's filming this!"_

"Woah! Like a real _concert_ concert?" Ford asked. "I've, uh, never actually been to one of those before."

He rubbed his arm.

"That's because you've never had an awesome crew to roll with before," Dan chuckled. The two of them looked over at the rest of the group, who was cheering on Toby to lick a dirty sponge.

"C'mon, Toby!" Ed cheered.

"Lick that sponge! Lick that sponge!" Ed and Daryl chanted. Toby groaned and licked the sponge, causing the rest of the group to laugh.

"When you're with us, you're in," Dan smiled at Ford. Groaning was suddenly heard throughout the cemetery. The gang became worried and looked around nervously. A flock of ravens cawed loudly and scattered from the trees.

"Ghosty sounds!" Stan gasped. "Cemetery ghosty sounds!"

"Great, the _one time_ I don't bring my recorder," Bella huffed.

"It's coming from that open grave," Dan pointed out. The group walked over, standing about a foot away from the hole.

"You look," Ed said to Daryl, shaking.

"Not if you don't look with me," Daryl responded, holding Ed's hand tightly.

"Toby, go look," Ford said.

"Haha, nice use of Toby, dude," Daryl laughed. Ed shoved Toby forward and Toby groaned nervously.

"Gaze upon death! Gaze upon death!" The group began to chant. They continued to chant as Toby slowly walked forward. Once he saw the grave, he screamed.

The rest of the group moved forward.

"Ugh, it's even creepier than I expected," Shandra grimaced. Down in the grave sat Stacey, who was holding a picture of Dan. She groaned again.

"Why did he leave me?" She whined, not noticing the group.

"Stacey?" Dan raised an eyebrow.

"Danny!" Stacey jumped and dropped the picture. "Oh, uh..." She chuckled nervously. "Hey, what's up? Just uh, chilling in this grave, you know. Regular- regular day for me."

"Woah girl, we haven't seen you in, like, a million years," Ed said. "Where have you been?"

"You're not still mourning our breakup, are you?" Dan asked.

"What? No way!" Stacey denied. She glanced at the picture of Dan and quickly hid it.

"Stacey, we split up, like, forever ago," Dan said, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. "It's sweet that you'd throw yourself into a grave for me, but it's time to move on."

"What? I've totally moved on!" Stacey lied. Her cell phone began to ring, playing a song that she was singing.

_"Danny, I miss you so much. I'll never move on. Never ever."_

Eyes still on Dan, Stacey searched for her phone and threw it behind her. It hit the headstone, breaking.

"That was a different Danny," Stacey lied again, glancing around. "Unrelated... Danny."

"This is getting really awkward," Ed whispered to Daryl.

"Yeah," Shandra agreed. "The cemetery _used_ to be fun; now it's just depressing."

Everyone except Stan and Bella began to walk away. The two kids watched as Stacey sighed, grabbed a shovel, and dumped some dirt on her head.

"Guys, wait!" Stan called. "She's upset! We can't just leave her here!"

"C'mon, Stan, it's just Stacey," Fiddleford said.

"But she's suffering!" Bella argued. "How can I be happy when I know someone else is sad?"

"Guys, trust me," Ford sighed. "If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's to not get mixed up in needless romantic drama. You guys are good, but messing with someone else's love life isn't cool." His voiced dropped to a whisper. "Besides, we're finally in with Dan's friends. Without Stacey, there's a good social balance."

"Yeah, they don' even make fun'a me no more," Fiddleford smiled. "Maybe we should just let a good thin' be."

Ford and Fiddleford walked off, leaving Bella and Stan to watch Stacey.

"But... it's _not_ a good thing," Bella said quietly.

"Just eat me already, man," Stacey said to a nearby vulture. The bird began to attack her. "Ah! I was just being dramatic! Quit it! Ow! Ow! My face! Vulture!"

\-----

Later that day, Dan and the kids were in the Mystery Shack gift shop.

"Oh man, I'm sorry you guys had to see that," Dan shook his head.

"You know what Stacey needs?" Stan asked. "A new date!"

"Yeah! The worst thing to do after a breakup is to be miserable about it," Bella agreed. "Just move on. If they didn't love you, it obviously wasn't meant to be."

"Bella, Stan, it's not that easy," Dan said.

"It is if you're the world's greatest matchmaking couple!" The kids said together, linking arms.

"We've never had an unhappy customer," Stan said. "Like Ria and Michael."

The group looked over at Ria, who was standing behind a cardboard box. A laptop was sitting on a stool, and Michael was facetiming on it.

"Watch this," Ria said. She began to slowly bend down behind the box. " _Do_ _do do, walking down some actual stairs._ " Michael giggled and laughed. "Did it look cool?"

"Haha, the coolest," Michael smiled.

"Match made!" Stan said.

"And then we have Gompers and Waddles," Bella smiled. They looked over at the two animals, who were duct taped together. Gompers was wearing a fake wedding veil and tin cans were tied behind them. Bella hummed a wedding march and Gompers ate the wedding veil. "Match made!"

"That might work for a goat and a pig, but Stacey's a hopeless case," Dan told them.

"Hopeless case, ehhh?" Stan smirked.

\-----

Meanwhile outside, Mabel was sewing a rainbow afro onto a stuffed gorilla.

" _Putting_ _a rainbow wig, on a big white gorilla_ ," she sung. A gust of wind blew the wig off of the gorilla. Mabel stepped off the ladder to go get it. "Huh. How'd that happen?" A large shadow loomed over her, and she looked up to see a hot air balloon. "Hot air balloons?" She watched a pair of bikers speed by. "Fixed gear bikes?"

A van drove up. A man was sitting atop it, playing a guitar.

" _Singing by the open road_ ," he sung. " _Man, my sandals are so open-toed_."

"Folk music!" Mabel gasped happily. "It's the Woodstick festival! Oh Ria!" The woman came outside. "Quick, lock up the shack! And find some of my t-shirts to tie-dye! The Woodstick festival is here! And this year I have big plans!"

"What are you gonna do, Ms. Pines?" Ria asked.

"You'll see," Mabel smiled secretively.

\-----

Stan and Bella approached Stacey's house.

"Ok Bella, Stacey's a broken teacup, and we're gonna piece her back together," Stan said. The reached the door and Stan rang the doorbell. "Ok, this might get intense."

Stacey's parents, Robbie and Tambry Valentino, answered the door.

"What do you want, kids?" Robbie asked.

"Wait, _you're_ Stacey's parents?" Bella asked. She pointed at Tambry. "You're the news lady!"

"Huh. I always thought she was raised by sad wolves," Stan said.

"Yeah well, she doesn't talk about us much," Tambry said. "You must be friends, then. Come on in."

"So what are you doing here?" Robbie asked. "Stacey doesn't usually have friends over."

"We're here to cheer her up," Bella explained with a smile.

"Stacey Robbie Valentino!" Tambry called up the stairs. "You have visitors." She turned to Bella and Stan. "Go on up, kids. And could you bring her her lunch?"

She handed Stan a plate of spaghetti.

"Will do!" Stan nodded. The two kids walked upstairs and down the hall, passing by pictures of Stacey. Over the years, she seemed to become sadder and angrier. They stopped at Stacey's door and Bella knocked.

"Stacey? It's Bella and Stan!" She said.

"Who?" Stacey asked from inside her room.

"Remember me?" Stan spoke. "I'm like cool Ford!"

"Ugh, go away!" Stacey yelled.

"I heard a 'Come in'!" Bella giggled. Stan opened the door, switching on the lights as they entered. Stacey yelled out at the sudden light, sitting up in bed.

"Hey!" She snapped. "Listen, kid. No one in the Pines family is allowed in my room. In case you forgot, your stupid brother is the one who ruined my life!"

Stacey threw a spray paint bottle at a target, scattering arrows and revealing a picture of Ford. Stan set Stacey's lunch down and pulled up two chairs for him and Bella to sit on.

"And Stan and Bella are gonna fix it," he smiled. "Listen, Stacey, I always used to see you as a creepy jerk; like the human version of rat poison."

"Uh... go on," Stacey said, sitting down on her bed.

"But when we saw you in the cemetery today, we realized," Bella began, "Stacey's not a bad kid. She's just a sad bean who needs love."

Stacey looked sadly at the pictures of her and Dan on the wall. She laid down on her bed, facing away from Stan and Bella.

"Stacey, you just need good matchmakers," Stan said. "I guarantee we'll find you true love, or twice your sadness back!"

Stacey sighed in annoyance, jumping to her feet and pointing at the door.

"If I say yes, will you leave my room?" She snapped. Bella reached over and zipped up her broken heart jacket.

"We guarantee  it!" She smiled.

\-----

Bella and Stan were in Stan's room, sitting in front of a diorama of Gravity Falls, complete with figures of the townspeople.

"Okay, Gravity Falls," Stan said, cracking his knuckles and putting on a pair of pink heart-shaped glasses. "Who wants to go out with Stacey?"

The two of them began sorting through the wooden figures.

"Let's see," Bella said. "Growling Grenda? Too old."

"Fiddleford, too young," Stan said.

"Besides, he likes Ford," Bella added.

"Right," Stan nodded. "Multi-bear? I'll put him in the maybe pile."

"Wait wait wait, he has a boyfriend," Bella reminded, stopping Stan's hand.

"Oh right," Stan nodded, instead placing the figure in the 'Taken' pile.

The two of them scanned over the groups of figures.

"Who could it be?" Stan asked thoughtfully. "Who could it be?

"How about someone we already know?" Bella suggested.

"What?" Stan looked at her.. "But who could be gothy and superficial enough for-?" He gasped in realization. "Bella, that's it! You see? This is why we really are America's favorite power couple."

\-----

Ford, Fiddleford, Dan, Ed, Daryl, Shandra, and Toby were in Toby's garage. Ed and Daryl were taping snacks to Toby's body.

"More snacks! More snacks!" The two boys chanted.

"I'm just glad to be a part of things," Toby chuckled nervously. Daryl put a piece of tape over Toby's mouth, muffling his speech.

"Ha! This is brilliant!" Dan smiled, sitting nearby with Ford and Fiddleford. "The perfect way to sneak cheap snacks into the concert, and it was all Ford's idea."

The rest of the group- including Fiddleford- cheered for the youngest member. Ed bent down to place a hand on Ford's shoulder.

"Kid, I sense greatness in you," Ed said.

"Oh, well, I don't know about that..." Ford smiled sheepishly. Ed lifted the boy onto his shoulders.

"Greatness!" Ed repeated.

"Alright, now everyone go home and finished getting ready for the concert," Dan said.

"Hey, don't wait up, Shandry," Daryl smiled as he walked past the texting teen.

"Don't called me Shandry," Shandra said angrily.

"Hehe. Classic Shandry," Daryl laughed, walking off. Shandra looked at her phone as it dinged with a text. She opened the text and read it aloud.

" _Shandra. You. Me. Date. Bring that sweet sweet bod_? _Your secret admirer_?"

\-----

Stan and Bella were watching Stacey, who was sitting in a booth at Greasy's Diner. Growling Grenda walked behind the counter, past the two kids.

"Love is about to happen, Growling Grenda," Stan said.

" _Love_ ," Bella whispered. The bell rang as the door was pushed open. Shandra walked in and approached the booth Stacey was sitting at.

"Ugh, Stacey?" Shandra rolled her eyes and sat down. " _You're_ my secret admirer?"

"Shandra?" Stacey sat straight up and folded her arms. "Ugh, that's just what I get for trusting a pair of toddlers. Listen, I don't think this is gonna work out. Dating someone I already know? That's kinda like admitting defeat."

"Um, way to assume I'm even _interested_ ," Shandra snapped, setting her purse on the floor.

"Shandra, let's be real," Stacey said. "If I wanted to date you, I would have done it by now. I'm just a little... out of your league." She noticed a mustard stain on the elbow of her hoodie. "Woah, is that mustard? Don't wanna waste that."

She proceeded to lick up the mustard stain. Shandra pulled out her phone and began to type.

" _Status update, on blind date with sociopath,_ " Shandra said.

"Oh sure, bring out the phone," Stacey rolled her eyes. "Classic Shandry." She looked at a waiter. "Hey, can I get some chili fries?" She glared at Shandra. " _To go_."

"What?" Stan whined. "But we're supposed to be the best matchmakers ever!"

"This is nothing like how it is in fanfictions," Bella huffed, leaning an elbow on the counter. Suddenly the door to the diner burst open, and the Love God entered.

"Woo-hoo! Who's ready to fall in love tonight?!" He yelled. The diner cheered for him. Love God stumbled over to a jukebox and started it up.

"That's what they call me," he said. "We're rewriting history tonight, and it starts with you and you!" He pointed at a male customer and a female worker. They looked at each other before kissing. "Love is real and it's in your face!" He chuckled and walked over to an elderly woman.  "What's your name, you little angel?"

The woman giggled.

"Meredith," she answered.

"Meredith, Meredith," Love God spoke in a hushed whisper. "We've got a problem. That cutie right there," he pointed to another elderly woman sitting at the counter, "is your soul mate, and you're living without her!"

"Oh no!" Meredith gasped. "What do I do?"

"Get it, girl," Love God said. "You know what you love." He threw a pink glittery substance in the air as Meredith ran towards the woman. "Pow! Match made!"

Meredith picked the woman up in her arms and the two giggled. Stan and Bella watched the events from behind a booth.

"We gotta find out how this works," Bella whispered. The two of them approached the Love God, who was sitting in a booth and eating a sandwich.

"Hi. Love God?" Stan spoke, getting the Love God's attention. "Stan and Bella here. Can I just say, that was some of the finest matchmaking we've ever seen?"

"Can you please, please tell us your secret?" Bella begged. Love God licked the mustard off of his fingers.

"Well, between the three of us, my name's not exactly a coincidence," he said, pointing at the wings on his backpack. They flapped twice, and Bella and Stan gasped.

"Oh. My. Love God," Stan breathed.

"Are you an _actual_ love god?" Bella asked, her eyes widening in amazement.

"Call me a cherub," Love God smiled. "The internet mostly does my job for me nowadays, so I've taken some time to focus on my rock carrier." He handed them a cassette. "Boom. Cassette. Boom. For you."

"Wow, cool!" Bella said, taking the cassette. "Um... I'm not sure if I have anything to play this on."

"So anyway, can you make anything fall in love?" Stan asked. "Like..." he looked outside, spotting a snake and badger fighting, "that snake and that badger?"

"Hmm, ah gee, I dunno," Love God said. "That might be kinda hard to-" He pointed at the animals. "Kaboom! Match made!"

The two animals stopped fighting. The snake wrapped itself around the badger and the badger walked off.

"It's a Snufflepuff relationship!" Bella gasped happily.

"How are you doing that?" Stan asked.

"Love potion, yo," Love God smirked. "I got it all." He pointed to the potions on his rope belt. "Summer love, young love, same-sex love, _anti_ -love. You just gotta put a little bit on your fingers and pow!"

He dipped his finger in the bottle of young love and flicked it at Stan and Bella.

"We need that potion," the two kids said together.

"How much would it cost?" Stan asked. "And," he grabbed a passing squirrel, "would you accept squirrels as payment?"

"Whoa, no way," Love God said. "You might think you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert."

"Love God!" A woman cried, running over. "Sign my face!"

"Only if you sign mine, baby!" Love God responded, turning to face the woman. "Let's get weird!"

The two began to kiss. Stan slowly snuck the same-sex love potion from Love God's belt and replaced it with a squirrel. He quietly shushed the squirrel as he and Bella left. They entered the kitchen, where a chef is finishing Stacey's order of chili fries.

"Mind if we add a little _something_ to these fries?" Bella asked sweetly.

"I don't see why not," the chef shrugged. Stan poured the love potion over the fries.

\-----

A waiter carried the plate of fries over to Stacey and Shandra. Stacey ate a fry and her pupils turned pink for a second.

"Woah," she said. "Did your whole thing suddenly get a lot more likable?"

Shandra ate a fry and her pupils also turned pink for a second.

"You don't seem as needy as I used to think you were," she said. Stacey leaned across the table and put a hand on Shandra's.

"Hey. You wouldn't maybe wanna, I don't know, get out of here and go... kiss in public? A lot?" Stacey asked.

"For some reason I do," Shandra said. She pulled out her phone and began to type while Stacey played with her hair. " _Status update_." Shandra paused. "You know what? Forget it." She put her phone down on the table and smiled at Stacey, picking up her purse. "Maybe I should stare at something _other_ than my phone screen for a while."

The two teenage girls left the diner holding hands.

"Match made!" Bella and Stan cheered, high-fiving and hugging.

\-----

Ford, Fiddleford, Dan, and his friends (excluding Shandra) were in Toby's garage, all dressed up for the Woodstick festival.

"Alright, who's ready for the best and most overpriced day of our summer?!" Dan asked. The rest of the group cheered happily. Toby held up a snack bag and a handful of whistles.

"Um, I brought a baggie of trail mix, and safety whistles, in case we get lost," he said. Ford pretended to clear his throat.

"Lame," .e coughed.

"This kid is a champion," Ed laughed.

"Well, I guess we're just waiting on Shandra," Daryl said, looking around. "Can't leave without Shandra."

Bella and Stan approached the group.

"Sorry guys, but Shandra is a little busy at the moment," Bella grinned. " _Wink wink_."

"What's that? Why are you winking?" Daryl asked.

"Let's just say she and Stacey took a visit to _Smoochville_ ," Stan smiled. "Now everyone is happy!"

"Wait wait. _Stacey_ and _Shandra_?" Daryl asked. "This can't be happening!"

"Why's that?" Bella asked nervously.

"Shandra's like a sister to me, man!" Daryl cried. "We've been friends since we were born! I can't go to the concert without Shandra!"

"Well I'm not going without my Daryl," Ed said, folding his arms.

"Oh, oh, this is _just_ like Stacey!" Dan yelled angrily. "Date my ex behind my back! I'm gonna tear her highlights out!"

"You won't lay a finger on her!" Daryl snapped.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, calm down," Fiddleford tried. "We're gonna be late fer the concert."

"Um, newsflash, kid," Daryl glared. "I'm not going to the concert. Not with _him_!" He pointed at Dan. "And not without Shandra!"

"And I'm not going without Daryl!" Ed huffed.

"Hey, that won't be a problem!" Dan snapped at Daryl. "Cuz I'm out!"

The group split up, mostly everyone going their separate ways. Toby was the only one to stay.

"Wait! Wait! This group is all I have!" Toby cried. "Don't make me go back to having no friends! Guys!"

"Match... made?" Bella said uncertainly, her and Stan looking at each other.

"No no, not my mailbox!" Toby cried. Daryl punched the mailbox, drew his fist back in pain, and stalked off with Ed. Toby growled angrily and turned to the kids.

"What did you just do?!" He yelled. "I've let these guys pick on me for years to keep this group together! And now they've totally fallen apart!"

"But we were all finally startin' ta hang out together," Fiddleford frowned.

"Yeah! We were part of the gang!" Ford said.

"Well unless you can break up Stacey and Shandra, there is no gang!" Toby yelled. "I have no more friends, and neither do you!" He tore off a piece of duct tape, opening the bag of chips. "I'm gonna eat these."

He stalked off, eating the bag of chips.

"Stan, Bella, what did we tell you about staying out of Stacey's personal life?" Ford asked, him and Fiddleford turning to look at the couple.

"I know, I know," Stan sighed. "We just wanted to be good matchmakers."

"We never should have gotten that love potion from the Love God," Bella looked at the ground.

"Wait, love potion?" Ford asked.

"Love God?" Fiddleford repeated.

"Guys, if you did a spell, then can't you undo it?" Ford asked. Stan gasped.

"That's it!" He cried. "If we undo the spell, then everyone will be friends again! But we're going to need your guys' help."

"Also, Ford?" Bella added. "You are _not_ pulling off that v-neck. Fidds, you're rockin' it."

"Thank ya," Fiddleford smiled.

"I know," Ford sighed at the same time.

"BURN IT!" Stan yelled.

\-----

The Woodstick festival was in full swing. Mabel and Ria were behind the fence, and Ria was sewing up a hot air balloon.

"Balloon faster, Ria!" Mabel smiled, rubbing her bandaged hand. "We need this thing up in the air before the festival ends."

"Uh, are you sure it's a good idea that that open flame is that close to that dangling rope and cloth?" Ria asked, pointing.

"All ideas are good ideas!" Mabel stated. "Now lube up those engine gears with some kerosene! More kerosene!"

\-----

Bella, Fiddleford, and the twins were hiding behind some trash cans at the festivals entrance. They watched as Toby dragged, Dan, Ed, and Daryl into the concert.

"Come back, guys! Come on!" Toby groaned. "The tickets were 100 bucks! I sold my watch! You gotta come to the concert!"

"Ew, and have to look at that?" Dan spat, watching Stacey and Shandra walk by together. "No thanks."

"Ugh, they're doing that couple hug-walk," Ford groaned. "Guys, you're in public! People can see you!"

"I think it's cute," Bella huffed.

"Guys, come on," Stan whispered. The four kids snuck past some guards and over to Love God's van.

"Love God. Sound check for Love God," a man said. The back doors of the van opened and Love God fell out.

"Ow," he said. "Let's make some miracles happen. Groupies, bedhead me." Love God chuckled as the two people ruffled his hair. "Love God's about to get crazy." He walked off with his groupies, bumping into the side of the van. "Woah. Hey, alright."

"Now's our chance," Bella whispered. They rushed over to the van and Stan grabbed the rope belt with love potions. He began to look through the bottles.

"Here we go," he said. "Let's see. _Puppy-Love. Interspecies love._ _Love_ _of country music._ Ew."

"Hey!" Fiddleford exclaimed, slightly offended.

"Oh! _Anti-love_!" Stan said, ignoring Fiddleford. " _To_ _reverse_ _the effects of love potion simply spray on your victim and watch their heart die on the inside._ "

"Sounds good to me," Ford said. The group turned to leave, but Love God was standing behind them.

"Hey! You're the one who's been stealing my stuff!" Love God said angrily. "I am _not_ loving this!"

"We're sorry!" Bella said. "But we made a mistake, and now we have to fix it."

"Kids, I tried to tell you," Love God said. "This stuff is way too dangerous. On my oath as a god, I cannot let you-" He stopped, realizing that the kids were gone. "Oh hey, where'd ya go?"

"Sorry, Love God!" Stan yelled as they ran. "But it's for the good of my friends!"

"Come back here!" Love God shouted, chasing after the kids. Stan looked back and saw that Love God had almost caught up to him.

"Fidds, catch!" Stan threw the bottle of anti-love to the boy. Fiddleford caught it and ran on stage to where the Handlebar Brothers were performing. Bella, the twins, and Love God soon followed him.

"Get those kids!" Love God yelled to the Handlebar Brothers. The three men moved in front of the kids.

"Halt!" They ordered. "We _mustache_ you to move."

Stan and Ford karate-chopped their mustaches, causing them to headbutt and fall to the ground.

"Nice one," Fiddleford complimented. The four kids dove into the crowd and began to crowd serf.

"Ooh! Thank you!" Stan laughed.

"Woo-hoo!" Bella cheered. "I thought this only happened in movies!"

"Ah! No no no!" Ford cried. "Everyone's touching everything!"

"Oh, sorry. Uh, pardon!" Fiddleford exclaimed.

"Give me back that potion!" Love God yelled as he 'swam' through the crowd. He gave someone a high five. "Oh hey, what's up?" He handed someone else a cassette. "Here, have a cassette." He landed on the ground as the kids were running away. "Dang it!" He started to flap his wings. "Fly, tiny wings! Get up there!" He began to slowly fly. "Oh, I haven't had to use these in a _long_ time!

Love God continued to chase after the kids. They passed by a man drinking Hippie Tea at a stand. When he saw Love God flying, he looked at his tea and poured the rest of the liquid on the ground.

"Guys, look!" Stan pointed to Stacey and Shandra, who were sitting on top of a hill. Stan grabbed a spray bottle and poured the anti-love potion inside, screwing the top back on. "Just one clean shot to the back of their heads and everything is back to normal!"

The kids skidded to a stop in front of Love God.

"Sorry kids, but you've left me no choice," Love God said. "Visions of heart break past!"

He threw a bottle on the ground, creating a cloud of pink smoke. From the smoke emerged illusions of Stan's past-crushes.

"We're back, Stan," Fake Gabrielle said.

" _We like you now_!" The fake Mult'ple Timez girls sung.

"Yes. Definitely. Absolutely!" The girl from the first day of summer said, holding up the list. Ford punched the illusion, making it disappear.

"Ha! You really think we'd fall for that?" Ford snapped. He looked at Stan, who was surrounded by the illusions.

"Of course you can all marry me!" Stan giggled.

"Wha- Stan!" Bella yelled.

"Stan, they ain't real!" Fiddleford shouted.

"Just give us the bottle, Stan," Fake Darlene said, holding out her hands.

"Lee, don't!" Ford cried.

\-----

Ria was still fixing up the balloon while Mabel looked at the blueprints.

"It's finally done!" She smiled. "This is going to be the best balloon we ever made!" She looked at the blueprints, which was of a hot air balloon shaped like her head and the words 'I Heart Kids!'. "I heart kids."

"Um, Ms. Pines?" Ria spoke. "It'll be the _only_ balloon we've ever made."

"I know, and that means it's gonna be the best," Mabel said. "Alright, let 'er rip!"

Ria let the balloon go and took a step back. The sound of fabric tearing was heard.

"Oh no! A letter rip!" Ria cried, trying to catch the balloon.

"What the H?!" Mabel cried. She was crushed by the letter H, and the letter R fell down soon after.

The crowd in the festival looked up at the Mabel balloon, which now read 'I  EA T KIDS'.

"'I eat kids'?" A teen read. "But _we're_ kids!"

"It's Heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything!" A second teen cried as he ran off. Suddenly, the balloon set fire. It began to plummet towards a young boy and his mother on a picnic blanket.

"Is the floating head gonna eat us, Mommy?" The boy asked fearfully.

"Yes, Charlie!" The mother cried, hugging her son close. "Yes she will!"

\-----

Stan was slowly giving fake Darlene the bottle of anti-love.

"Stan, it's a trick!" Ford yelled. "Don't give her the-!"

Darlene took the bottle and tossed it to Love God.

"Gotcha!" He shouted. The illusions disappeared from around Stan.

"Arg! Curse my oversized heart!" Stan cried, falling to the group.

"Sorry, kids, but that's what happens when you mess with a god," Love God said. "Only a greater being from the heavens themselves could possibly stop-"

He stopped mid-sentence as the crowd ran past, screaming. The Mabel balloon was still falling, and about to land on Love God.

"Woah!" Love God screamed as the balloon landed on him. He dropped the bottle, which rolled to rest at Stan's feet. A crowd surrounded the balloon and a man tried to hose off the balloon.

"Oh no oh no," Mabel said as she and Ria hurried over. "Aw, I-I didn't mean to hurt anybody!"

"It's her!" A teenager screamed, pointing at Mabel. "The horrible old woman from the sky!"

All the teens in the nearby vicinity ran off, screaming.

"Love God?" Ford called, him and the others looking at the wreckage. "Are you ok?"

"Please be immortal, please be immortal," Bella whispered, crossing her fingers. Love God gasped as he emerged from the wreckage.

"Dude! I am so over this!" He yelled.

" _Love God to the stage. Love God to the stage_ ," a man announced over the speakers. Love God growled and stood up.

"Look kid, keep it, ok?" He snapped. "Spray everyone for all I care! You wanna mess with people's lives? You wanna play god? Then go ahead. Cuz I'm sick of it."

He stumbled off towards the stage, called for a medic.

\-----

Bella, Fiddleford, and the twins were hiding behind the bushes near where Stacey and Shandra were sitting. Bella was holding the spray bottle.

"Ok guys, now's our chance," Ford said quietly. "They break up and the whole friend group gets back together."

Bella aimed the spray bottle at the two older teens, but she couldn't bring herself to spray it. Stacey turned around and spotted her and Stan. Ford quickly ducked behind the bush, pulling Fiddleford with him.

"Bella! Stan!" Stacey called, walking over. Bella hid the spray bottle behind her back. "Guys, I just wanted to thank you. I've been so miserable since Dan broke up with me that I thought my life was over. But you were right. I just needed to move on." She looked lovingly at Shandra, who was editing a picture of them together. "I'm... happy? Weird, huh?"

"Stacey! People are commenting on our pictures!" Shandra called. Stacey showed off the heart on her hoodie and walked back to her girlfriend. Bella sighed.

"I can't do it, guys," she said. "I mean, every time we've messed with people's lives, we've only made things worse."

The group of kids looked over at Stacey and Shandra, who were applying eyeliner to each other.

"I guess they are sorta perfect for each other," Ford mused. "In a... weird kind of way."

"But what abou' our friend group?" Fiddleford asked.

"I'm sure it'll work itself out," Stan said. "There has to be something that'll bring everyone back together."

\-----

Down in the festival, Toby was walking around. He was wearing a lumpy coat and a hat to hide the snacks he was sneaking in. He was carrying a cake and looking for the others.

"Guys, I made a friendship cake," Toby called. "So let's all get over this, okay?" He got hit by a beach ball, causing him to drop the cake. "Ugh! My cake!"

He bent down to pick up the cake, but his jacket ripped, revealing the hidden snacks. The guards turned to look at him.

"Hey! Food from the outside!" One guard yelled.

"Get him!" The other shouted. As they chased Toby around, the friend group gathered together to watch.

"Woah! Hey, look!" Ed said.

"Is that Toby?" Dan asked. They watched as Toby tried to climb up a utility pole. One guard blew a whistle while the other swiped at Toby with a broom.

"Yeah! Fight the machine, Toby!" Daryl cheered him in.

"Throw snacks at 'em!" Dan yelled.

"Use jerky as a weapon!" Stacey laughed. The older teens began to chant.

"Toby! Toby! Toby!"

Toby cried out when the guard kept swinging at him with the broom. Toby fell off the pole, grabbing a rope and dangling in the air as the security guards hit him like a piñata. The group continued to cheer Toby on, and Shandra was recording the scene on her phone. Daryl smiled at her and she smiled back, laughing as Daryl put an arm around her neck in a protective way. Daryl took Ed's hand with his own free one. Shandra smiled apologetically at Dan, who did the same. Stacey smiled at Dan and he smiled back at her apologetically.

The younger teens watched these exchanges happen before the older teens went back to cheering Toby on.

"I think everything just might be ok," Stan said, putting an arm around Bella's waist.

"Perhaps someone up there really _is_ a genius matchmaker," Fiddleford said thoughtfully. Toby, who was still hanging from the rope, smiled down at the group.

"All according to plan," he said to himself.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Stan looked through his photo album, which showed various pictures of Waddles and Gompers getting 'married.'


	10. Northwest Mansion Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford fights a ghost, ignores Candy's warnings about danger, and is temporarily gay for Preston.

Lightning flashed against the sky as the thunder storm raged on. Inside the Northwest manor, the family was preparing for a party.

"My my, the guest list for this year's party has so much diversity," Pacifica said to herself as the servants set up the party. "A nice mix of millionaires _and_ billionaires." She swatted a servant with the rolled up newspaper. "Put the oyster fork at an _angle._ We're not animals!"

"Sorry, ma'am," the servant quickly fixed the spoon.

"Now where the devil is-" Pacifica turned to see Preston in the doorway and gasped. "Preston!"

"Mother," the boy bowed and walked over to Pacifica.

"Preston, I told you to wear your midnight-black suit, not your charcoal-black suit," Pacifica scolded. "Go change."

"But I-I kinda like this suit," Preston argued.

" _Preston_ ," Pacifica warned and rang a bell. The boy sighed.

"Yes, Mother," he said. Suddenly the ground began to shake and the silverware and plates clattered loudly. Preston, his mom, and the servants gasped.

"Oh no! It's... _happening_ ," Preston said. Furniture and dinnerware began to fly around the room, aiming themselves at the people present.

"You are my possessions!" Pacifica yelled, swatting at a plate. "Obey me!" More stuff flew at Pacifica. The woman screamed, ducking under the table next to Preston. "This is a disaster! The party's in just 24 hours!"

"Surely there must be someone who can handle this sort of nonsense!" Preston cried. A newspaper landed in front of Pacifica, showing Ford fighting off a giant bat.

"I think I know just the person," Pacifica said.

\-----

Ford was sitting in the living room at the Mystery Shack, watching TV. Snacks surrounded him in the chair.

 _"_ _You_ _asked for it, you got it!"_ _The_ _TV announcer said. "An entire 48-hour marathon of_ Ghost Harassers _on the_ Used to Be About History Channel _!"_

"Be strong, bladder," Ford patted his stomach. "We're not moving till sunset."

_"We interrupt this broken to bring you_ _breaking_ _news!" Thompson Determined announced._

"Aw, what?" Ford complained.

"It's starting!" Stan cried, jumping next to Ford.

"Turn it up!" Bella ordered, jumping to Ford's other side.

"Leave room fer me," Fiddleford requested, squeezing in next to Ford and causing both boys to blush.

_"Well tonight's the night, but I've been out here for days!" Thompson said. The camera zoomed_ _out_ _to reveal a filthy_ _and_ _tattered Thompson. "The Northwest family's annual high-society-shindig-ball-soiree is here! And even though common folk aren't let in, that doesn't stop us from camping out for a peek at the fanciness!"_

"Oooooooh!" Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford, who had moved to sit on the floor, said together.

"Ok, can someone _please_ explain to me why people care about this?" Ford asked.

"It's just about the greatest party ever!" Bella replied. "Rich food, richer fun!"

"I heard that each gift bag has a live quail inside," Stan said.

"Give me yer life, Preston," Fiddleford sighed, pawing at the TV. Ford scoffed.

"Guys, in case you've already forgotten, Preston Northwest is the worst," he said. There was a knock on the door and Ford went to answer it. "And that's not just jealousy talking; I'd say that to his face."

He opened the door to reveal Preston in a disguise.

"I need your help," he said.

"You're the worst," Ford told him before slamming the door shut. Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford gasped. "See?"

There was another knock and Ford reluctantly opened the door.

"Listen, you think this is easy for me?" Preston snapped. He waved away a fly. "I don't want to be seen in this hovel! But there's something haunting Northwest manor." He removed his sunglasses. "If you don't help, the party could be ruined!"

"And why should I care?" Ford asked, raising an eyebrow. "All you've ever done is humiliate Stan, my friends and me."

"Just name your price, ok?" Preston begged. "I'll give you anything!"

"Hi, Preston!" Stan interrupted. "Excuse us." He dragged Ford inside. "Sixer! Don't you see what this means? If you help Preston, you could get us invites to the greatest party of all time!"

"What? Stan, this is Preston we're talking about," Ford said.

"But it's Bella and Fidds' dream!" Stan argued. Ford groaned and went to face Preston.

"Fine, I'll bust your ghost," Ford said. He went to shake Preston's hand, but pulled back at the last second. "But, in exchange, I'll need three tickets to the party."

"Hmpf," Preston grunted. He pulled three tickets out of his pocket and handed them to Ford. "You're just lucky I'm desperate."

"Wooo!" Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford cheered. "Desperate, desperate, desperate!"

"Fidds, get the glue gun," Stan said. "We're making outfits!"

\-----

A limo drove through the crowd outside of the Northwest Manor. A butler pulled a lever to open the main gates and let the limo through.

Inside the house, two servants opened the doors for Preston, Stan, Ford, Bella, and Fiddleford. Stan was wearing a pink suit, Fiddleford was wearing a black suit, and Bella was wearing a dark blue suit.

"Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks," Preston said, wearing a gray suit. "Try not to touch anything."

"Everything's so fancy!" Stan gasped. "Fancy floors, fancy plant-" He gasped, running forward and rubbing a servant's face. "Fancy man!"

"Mm, yes. Very good, sir," the servant said.

"Guys, the rumors were true!" Bella held up a gift bag and out popped a mother quail and three babies.

"Is that even legal?" Fiddleford asked. The three friends ran off into the manor, giggling. Ford walked around before bumping into Mabel, Growling Grenda, and Crazy Chiu.

"Graunty Mabel?" Ford asked. "What are you doing here,"

"Oh, Pacifica and I are friends, so I get a ticket every year," Mabel explained. "This year I got to bring some other friends."

"Ah, if it isn't the man of the hour!" Pacifica said as she approached Ford. "Hopefully you can help with our little... situation, before the guests arrive in an hour?"

"I'll do my best," Ford said.

"Excellent!" Pacifica smiled. "Preston, be a dear and take Stanford here to the _problem room_. And uh... he's not wearing that, is he?"

She looked at Ford, who was picking his teeth. His shirt was halfway out of his pants and his jacket had a small hole in it.

"I'm on it," Preston said.

\-----

Ford stepped out of the dressing room wearing a blue tux.

"Ugh, it's like this collar is strangling me," Ford complained, tugging at the collar. "Who do you guys think you're impressing with this stuff?"

"Um, everyone?" Preston said, stepping forward to tie Ford's bowtie. " _You_ wouldn't understand." He walked off past a row of paintings on the wall. "High standards is what makes the Northwest family great."

"Huh, funny," Ford said, fiddling with a tassel on a picture frame. "I thought it was lying about founding the town."

"Don't touch that!" Preston snapped.

\-----

Mabel, Grenda, and Chiu were hanging out in the main ballroom. Grenda walked over to a book.

"Wow, guys!" She called the others over. "It's the guest list!" She flipped open the book, Mabel and Chiu looking over her shoulder. "Woah! Check out this hottie!"

"Marius von Fundshauser!" Chiu read. "He's a baron from Austria! Recently widowed."

"Hubba hubba, ladies," Mabel smiled.

"Hold up, ladies," Grenda said. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think this man is out of our league."

"Yeah! He's like a white whale," Chiu said. "Haunting him will destroy us."

"There's a ton of hot men coming," Mabel said. "Let's swear a sisters truce not to waste time on _Marius_."

"Deal," the three women said together, placing their hand on top of each other. They laughed nervously.

\-----

Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford were standing near the buffet table. Bella was piling some of everything onto a couple plates.

"I'm already excited for the party, and it hasn't even started yet!" Stan said, smiling widely.

"Ah'm excited too," Fiddleford agreed. "Ah'm hopin' ta get a dance with Ford."

"Woo, Fidds!" Bella cheered, her mouth full of food.

"What are you excited for, Bella?" Stan asked her. She looked at him for a minute.

"Food," she said slowly.

\-----

Ford slowly opened the creaking door.

"Woah," he said. He looked around the room filled with stuffed animal heads, paintings, a fireplace, and dark wooden furniture. The room was lit by a fire, giving it a dark red glow.

"This is the main room where it's been happening," Preston said quietly.

"Yep, this looks like the kind of room that would be haunted," Ford agreed. "I wouldn't worry about it, though." He held up the third journal. "Ghosts fall on a ten-category scale. Floating plates sound like a Category 1."

"So what?" Preston scoffed. "Are you going to bore him back into the afterlife by reading from your book?"

"Just gotta splash this sucker with some anointed water," Ford explained, holding up a bottle of water. "Then he'll be out of your- probably fake- brown hair."

"What was that about my hair?" Preston snapped. Ford pulled out an EMF detector and shushed Preston.

"I'm picking something up," Ford said. He walked around the room, stopping in front of a painting of a lumberjack above the fireplace. The EMF detector went down to zero. "C'mon, stupid thing." Ford tapped the device and it went back up. "There we go."

Ford smiled and looked back up at the painting, only to see that the lumberjack inside had disappeared.

"Uh, Preston?" Ford spoke up.

Said rich boy screamed when he saw blood tripping from the ceiling. He looked up to see where it came from. Blood started flowing from the mouths of the stuffed animal heads on the walls. The two boys in the room screamed as fire shot out of the fireplace.

"ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS," the animal heads began to chant. Books, furniture, and antique weapons flew around Ford and Preston. The chandelier above them crackled dangerously.

"Stanford, what is this?!" Preston yelled.

"It's a Category 10," Ford murmured. The bottle of water in his hand shattered, and the two boys screamed again.

\-----

"Ford's in trouble," Stan said suddenly, startling Bella and Fiddleford.

"How can you tell?" Bella asked.

"I-I don't know," Stan frowned. "It just feels like he is."

"Is that like some sort of twin connection?" Bella asked.

"Maybe," Stan shrugged. "I dunno if we have that, but there's this thing where we both get sick at the same time."

"He'll be a'right," Fiddleford assured. "What trouble could he get inta in a _mansion_?"

\-----

"ANCIENT BLOOD AND BLACKENED SKIES. THE FOREST DARK SHALL ONCE MORE RISE," the animal heads chanted.

"What do we do?!" Preston yelled, shaking Ford by the collar. "What do we do?!"

"Don't worry!" Ford shouted. "At least it can't get any worse!"

The fire flamed up again, and Ford and Preston quickly hid underneath a table. A giant black skeleton stepped out of the fire. A body formed around the skeleton- one of a giant lumberjack. His beard and hair was made of blue fire.

"I smell... A NORTHWEST!" The lumberjack yelled. An ax appeared in his hand. He dragged it as he walked around, destroying the wooden floor. "Come out... come out, wherever you are!"

"Hurry!" Preston rushed quietly. "Read through your dumb book already!"

"I'm looking!" Ford whispered, flipping through the pages of the journal. "And it's not dumb, ok? This book is going to save our lives!" He found the page about Category 10 ghosts. "Alright, here we go. _Advice:_ " He shone a portable blacklight over the page, revealing the words _Pray for mercy!_ "Ugh, seriously?"

The table they were hiding under floated away, revealing them to the ghost. Ford and Preston screamed.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE!" The ghost yelled, swinging his ax at the boys. They dodged it, running out of the room.

"This way!" Preston yelled, leading Ford down the hall. The ghost chased after them.

\-----

Pacifica opened the mansion doors to the guests.

"Welcome, dukes and duchesses, sultans, and sportsmen," she greeted.

"What's up, Paz?" A basketball player smiled.

"And reclusive 102-year-old mayor of Gravity Falls, Mayor Befufflefumpter," Pacifica added, gesturing to an elderly man in a wheelchair. A group of vultures began to fly above the mayor's head.

"It's ok, they're with me," he waved it off.

"How... lovely," Pacifica said. "Yes, well, tonight we will enjoy only the finest of tastes in only the snootiest of laughter." A snooty rich guy laughed obnoxiously. The servants applauded lightly. "That's the ticket."

Bella was nearby at the buffet table, repeatedly sticking a fondue stick underneath the chocolate fountain and licking it clean.

"Bella, listen ta me," Fiddleford walked over, placing his hands in her shoulders/ "Yer in another chocolate-cravin' mood. Put the fondue fork down."

"Never!" Bella yelled out and licked the chocolate off of the fork. A glass rung lightly to get everyone's attention.

"Introducing Baron Marius von Fundshauser," a man said. Marius entered dramatically. Mabel and her friends stared in awe.

"Guten tag!" Marius waved to the women as he walked past.

"Guten take-me-now!" Mabel said. She went to run after Marius, but Grenda held out a hand to stop her.

"Mabel! We had a truce!" Grenda glared.

"Yeh yeh, a truce!" Chiu nodded. "Grenda buddy? Could you get us some fancy napkins?"

"Wow, ok!" Grenda said happily, walking off.

"Mabel, I ain't sure if I can follow this truce," Chiu whispered. "He's too adora-bibble!"

"Me either, Candy," Mabel huffed. "But what do we do? He's unattainable!"

"Maybe if we can a-flirt with him as a team, we might have a chance!" Chiu suggested.

"That's the perfect plan!" Mabel smiled, but then it slipped from her face. "But what about Grenda?"

"Grenda is great, Mabel, but these boys are fancy," Chiu said. "Her aggressive flirting style might scare 'em off."

The two women looked over at Grenda, who was talking with a man.

"Hey, what's that on your shirt?" Grenda asked, pointing at the man's shirt. He looked down and she brought her finger up to flick his nose. "Ha! Gullible! _Loser_!"

Mabel and Chiu nodded at each other.

\-----

Preston was still leading Ford through the halls, the two of them being chased by the laughing ghost.

"Hurry! Through the garden!" Preston yelled. "And watch out for peacocks!"

Ford, who was reading through the journal, ran into a peacock as they passed. Mud splashed onto the boys' shoes as they ran.

"Come on, come on," Ford muttered as he flipped through the journal. "I got it! Haunted paintings can only be trapped by a silver mirror!" He looked up ahead and spotted a big silver mirror in a room. "Look! There's a silver mirror right there!"

The two boys ran towards the room, but Preston grabbed Ford's arm and stopped him before he could enter.

"Wait! Don't go in there!" Preston yelled. "This room has my mother's favorite carpet pattern! She'd lose it if we tracked mud in there!"

"What?! Are you serious?!" Ford asked. He tried to force his way into the room, but Preston was much stronger than him and held him back.

"We'll find another way!" Preston said. They heard the ghost laughing from a distance.

"Preston, we don't have time for this!" Ford groaned. "Let me through!"

"No! My mom will kill me!" Preston shouted.

"Why are you so afraid of your mom?!" Ford asked.

"You wouldn't understand!" Preston yelled. He tugged on Ford's journal, accidentally pulling them through a painting and into a hidden room. They tumbled to the floor as the ghost passed.

"Woah..." Ford said quietly, looking around. "What is this place?"

"That's strange," Preston said, moving his hair out of his eyes. "I don't even know where this room is."

"Hopefully the ghost doesn't, either," Ford said.

"Yeah, maybe we're safe," Preston agreed, standing in front of a covered painting. A figure in the sheet slowly reached out for him.

"Preston, watch out!" Ford yelled. Preston screamed as the lumberjack ghost flew out of the sheet.

"YOUR FATE IS SEALED!" The ghost shouted. He chased after Preston, knocking over a box. Out of the box tumbled a handheld mirror.

"A silver mirror!" Ford gasped. Preston grunted as he tripped over a loose floorboard.

"PREPARE TO DIE, NORTHWEST!" The ghost yelled, raising his ax above his head. Just as the ghost charged at Preston, Ford rushed over and held out the silver mirror. The two boys were knocking backwards out of a window, getting tangled up in a red curtain and rolling down a hill.

"Did you get him?" Preston asked. Ford held up the mirror to look, and saw that the ghost was trapped inside.

"NO! FREE ME!" The ghost yelled, pounding on the mirror. The two boys cheered.

"Ford, you were amazing! Truly incredible!" Preston laughed. He realized what he said and coughed awkwardly, holding out a dollar. "Can I _pay_ you to pretend I never said that?"

\-----

Preston and Ford were in the garden, standing in front of Pacifica and a servant.

"Well Preston, you really did find the right man for the job," Pacifica smiled and snapped her fingers. The servant stepped forward to shake Ford's hand. "I really can't thank you enough." She paused. "That's enough."

The servant stopped shaking Ford's hand.

"Just holding up my end of the deal," Ford chuckled. He turned to leave, holding the mirror and his journal.

"What, leaving already?" Preston asked him. "You're at the world's best party, dummy."

"Heh, I'd love to stay, but I've got a Category 10 ghost to dispose of," Ford smiled. He accidentally walked into a pole. "Ow! Heh, Category 10."

Him and Preston both laughed as Ford left.

"You know, call me crazy, but maybe he isn't that bad," Ford said to himself once he reached the outside of the garden. The ghost began to laugh from inside the mirror. "Hey, what are you laughing about? I defeated you."

"You've been had, boy," the ghost said. "You remind me of me 150 years ago."

"What do you mean?" Ford asked.

"165 years ago this day, the Northwests asked us lumber-folk to build them a mansion atop the hill," the ghost began to explain. "We were told t'would be a service to the town, that once a year they would throw a grand party, and all would share in the bounty. It took years of backbreaking labor and sacrifice, but when it was time for the grand party they promised the common folk of the town, they refused to let us in.

"With the trees gone, the mudslides began. While they partied and laughed, I was swept away by the storm! And so I said with final breath, 'One-fifty years I'll return from death, and if the gate's still closed to town, wealthy blood will stain the ground!' A curse passed down until this day."

Ford lowered the mirror to his side.

"Wait, so the Northwests _knew_ this haunting was coming, and they tricked me into helping them avoid ghostly justice?" Ford summarized. "I'll be right back."

\-----

Pacifica was inside the mansion, talking to the mayor of Gravity Falls.

"Thank you so much for coming, Mayor," Pacifica said. "As a sign of our respect, please take this chimp servant." She held out a monkey. "Keep him away from bright lights; he gets... grabby."

"NORTHWESTS!"

The present adults turned towards the doors to see Ford push them open.

"You've got some explaining to do!" He yelled, pointing at them. Preston dashed in from another room.

"Ford, you came back!" He said happily.

"You lied to me," Ford accused, pointing at the boy. "All of you did! All you had to do was let the townsfolk into the party and you could've broken the curse! But you made me do your dirty work instead!"

Pacifica bent down to face Ford, looking at him threateningly. Ford glared back, unfazed by the look.

"Look at who you're talking to, kid," Pacifica snarled. "I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. Do you really think they would have came if they had to shake hands with _your kind_?"

She looked at his six-fingered hands, which were balled into fists at his sides.

" _My_ kind?" Ford repeated. He glared over at Preston. "I was right about you. You're just as bad as your mom. Another link in the world's worst chain!"

"I'm sorry!" Preston cried. "She made me! I would have told you, but-!"

Pacifica rang the bell from earlier. Preston stepped back, a blush setting into his cheeks.

"Enjoy the party, freak," Pacifica growled. "It's the last time you and your kind will ever be allowed to come here." Ford glared at her before stalking off. A monkey offered him a tray. "No no! Those aren't for him."

\-----

Ford was outside the boundaries of the mansion, about to exorcist the ghost. A circle of candles sat on a stump, surrounding the silver mirror.

"Stupid Northwests, making me do their exorcism for them," Ford grumbled as he flipped through the journal. " _Exodus demonus, spookus scarus, aintafraidus noghostus-_ "

"Stanford! Stanford, please!" The ghost called from the mirror. "Let me get my revenge on the Northwests! You hate them as much as I!"

"I agree with you," Ford nodded. "But, it's just... my brother and friends are in there, and so is my graunty, and you seem a _little_ unstable."

"Very well, boy," the ghost sighed. "Then... before you banish my soul, may these tired lumber eyes gaze upon the trees one final time?"

"Uh... sure. I guess," Ford said. He held up the mirror to face the trees. "Go nuts."

The ghost cackled madly. The mirror became red-hot and Ford dropped it, yelling out in pain. The mirror shattered on the ground, freeing the ghost trapped inside. He laughed, flying back to the mansion.

"Yes! VENGEANCE!" The ghost shouted.

"Oh no!" Ford cried, fearing for his friends and family.

\-----

Inside the mansion, Mabel was talking to Marius in the main ballroom.

"Hi! I'm Mabel," Mabel greeted with a smile. "So, Australia, huh? Do you guys eat kangaroo meat over there, or... are they... strictly pets?"

"I am from Austria," Marius corrected. Mabel laughed nervously and tapped Chiu's shoulder.

"Tag! Tag!" Mabel whispered. Chiu took her place in front of Marius.

"Hi there!" She said. "I am Candy! I like the little hats you wear on ya shoulders!"

"Hi!" Mabel shoved Chiu over. "If you were a boat, you know what kind you'd be? A dreamboat!"

"You are tagged out!" Chiu hissed, elbowing Mabel.

"I tagged back in!" Mabel hissed back.

"You can not do that!" Chiu argued.

"I can tag myself!" Mabel argued back. "It's allowed!"

"That ain't how I remember it!"

"Yeah, because last time we flirted as a team, we were eight!"

Marius nervously walked away as the women continued to argue.

"AHEM!"

The women jumped in surprise, turning to see Grenda.

"What was that?" The woman asked angrily. "You were flirting with Marius without me!"

"Sorry, Grenda..." Chiu responded, "It's just..."

"Your flirting style can come off as a bit..." Mabel struggled to find the right word, "intense."

Grenda blushed, but kept an angry look.

"You're both just jealous that I had a husband that didn't leave me!" She snapped. "I thought you guys liked my style!"

"We do! We do!" Chiu assured. "But these men might not!"

"Oh! Then I guess they wouldn't like _this_ , either!" Grenda shouted. "Hey, Marius!"

" _Ja_?" Marius said, walking over.

"You've got something..." Grenda placed her finger on Marius' shirt, "on your shirt!"

Marius looked down and Grenda flicked his nose. Marius shouted out in surprise, and Mabel and Chiu gasped. The three women all walked different directions. Marius stared after Grenda in awe.

\-----

Pacifica stood at the top of the staircase, ringing a wine glass.

"Thank you all for coming," Pacifica smiled. "I think it's fair to say that this party was a success."

"I guess you could say it was a slam dunk, Prezzy," The basketball player said.

"Um... yes..." Pacifica agreed. She held up a wine glass. "A toast! To our family name-" The wine glass shattered in her hand. "What?!"

Laughter was heard. Everyone screamed as their wine glasses shattered one-by-one. The ghost emerged from the fireplace.

"GENERATIONS LOCKED AWAY, MY REVENGE SHALL HAVE ITS DAY!" He yelled. He shot a blue beam into the crowd.

"Ah, the Grim Reaper," the mayor said weakly. "I was wondering when you might-"

The beam hit the mayor, turning him into wood. The guests screamed and scattered. The lumberjack ghost laughed, shooting everyone in sight and turning them to wood. Taxidermy animals came to life, attacking the guests. The painting behind him, of Pacifica, Preston, and a second woman, burned.

"Ms. Northwest, what would you like to do?!" A servant asked fearfully.

"Prepare the panic room!" Pacifica cried, punching a stuffed squirrel off her shoulder.

The front doors flew open with a crash of thunder and lightning, revealing a soaked Ford. He stared in shock at the events happening inside the mansion.

"Please!" A guest cried, reaching out for him. "Help... me!"

The man turned to wood. Ford screamed and jumped out of the way.

"Woah! That is messed up!"

"JUST ONE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR FATES: A NORTHWEST MUST OPEN THE PARTY GATES!" The ghost laughed loudly.

"A Northwest?" Ford repeated. He gasped. "Preston!"

\-----

Preston was hiding in the no-longer-secret room, turning a flashlight on and off. Ford burst into the room, looking around.

"Preston! There you are!" He exclaimed. "The ghost is turning everyone to wood, and he just started rhyming." Ford pulled on Preston's hand. "I need your help!" Preston pulled his hand away. "Preston?"

"You wanna know why this room was locked up?" Preston asked softly. "This is what I found in here." He pointed the flashlight at a collection of paintings. "A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there's me." He shone the flashlight on himself and then switched it off. "I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid mom!" He slipped his golden rings off his fingers and threw them at a painting of his moms. "You were right about me, Ford. I _am_ just another link in the world's worst chain."

Ford sighed, sitting down next to Preston.

"Preston, I'm sorry about what I said before," he said. "But just because you're your mom's son doesn't mean you have to be like her. It's not too late."

"IT'S TOO LATE!" The ghost shouted from the other room.

"Oh no!" Ford cried. Him and Preston ran into the other room to see everyone turned into wood.

"YOU ARE ALL WOOD!" The ghost yelled.

Preston and Ford looked around at the statues. Mabel, Grenda, and Chiu were frozen as though they were arguing and fighting. Stan and Fiddleford were frozen protectively in front of Bella, who was frozen with wide eyes and a mouth full of food. Ford set a determined face and ran towards the ghost.

"Ford, no!" Preston cried. Ford crawled onto a table, holding up a silver platter and looking through the journal.

"Alright ghost, prepare to get-" Ford screamed as the journal was shot out of his hand. He dropped the silver platter. "No, wait!" The ghost shot a blue beam at Ford, and he slowly began to turn into wood. "No no no! No, someone help! SOMEONE HEEEELLLLP...!"

He turned completely wood, freezing the same way that the Shape Shifter had frozen. Preston gasped. A clock struck midnight.

"A FOREST OF DEATH, A LESSON LEARNED, AND NOW THE NORTHWEST MANOR WILL BURN!" The ghost cackled as the mansion caught fire.

"Hey, ugly!" Preston yelled, getting the ghost's attention. "Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk?! Cuz I'll do it!"

"YOU WISH TO PROVE YOURSELF?" The ghost asked. "PULL THAT LEVER AND OPEN THE GRAND GATE TO THE TOWN! FULFILL YOUR ANCESTORS' PROMISE!"

Pacifica appeared from a hatch in the floor.

"Preston Elise Northwest!" She hissed. "What in the world are you doing?! Get down here! You're going to get hurt!"

"But Mother! I have to save everyone else!" Preston said. Pacifica hesitated.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "I don't want you to get in trouble, sweetie..."

"Mother, I'll be fine," Preston assured. "Trust me."

The two looked at each other for a minute. Pacifica sighed and nodded. Preston turned to the lever and pulled it. The ghost gasped.

\-----

Outside, the townspeople watched in wonder as the main gates swung open.

"Git it!" Tyler cheered. "Git it!"

"YES, YES, IT'S HAPPENING!" The ghost yelled happily. "MY HEART, ONCE HARD AS OAK, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something."

The manor and the guests inside slowly faded back to normal. Ford took a deep breath.

"Preston, you and your mother are not like the other Northwests," the ghost said to the small family. "I feel... lumber... justice."

The ghost faded into nothing, the ax in his head falling and sinking into the floor. Suddenly, the doors burst open as the townsfolk of Gravity Falls rushed into the mansion. Womanly Wendy cheered and jumped into the cider fountain.

\-----

Bella started coughing and choking on the food she had had in her mouth before she became frozen. Fiddleford rushed to pat her back and help.

"Thanks, Fidds," Bella gasped. "Jeez, what was that?"

"I'm... not sure," Stan said, looking at his hands and arms.

\-----

Mabel groaned as she sat up, rubbing her head.

"What happened?" She asked. "I don't even remember drinking anything..."

"Ahem!" Grenda cleared her throat, glaring down at her two friends.

"Grenda! We are so sorry!" Chiu apologized, standing up.

"We shouldn't have left you behind like that," Mabel said, shuffling her feet.

"Aw, it's ok," Grenda smiled softly. "I shouldn't have said that stuff about your husbands. I guess I do need to work on my flirting skills. Come on, let's go dump our heads in some cheese and chocolate. Friends?"

"Friends!" Mabel and Chiu repeated, and the three women shared a group hug. They began to walk off.

"Wait! Don't go!" Marius called, running over. "Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you, I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident. I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?"

Grenda stared in shock.

"I don't have my phone with me!" She yelled. "Write it on my face!"

"Whooo! Go Grenda!" Mabel cheered as Marius wrote his phone number on Grenda's forehead.

"I guess we should not have sold her short," Chiu said. "I call bridesmaid!"

"No fair! You were bridesmaid last time!" Mabel laughed.

"Oh... was I?" Chiu smiled sheepishly. "Ah well. Come on, let's go dance!"

\-----

Preston and Ford stood together in the middle of the party.

"Man, if your mom didn't want to do this before, she's nuts," Ford said. "This is amazing!"

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Preston sighed. "Next year we're probably just going to lock everyone out again."

"Hey. Look what we're standing on," Ford smiled. Preston gasped, seeing that they were standing on his mom's favorite carpet pattern with their muddy shoes. He laughed, digging his foot into the carpet. Him and Ford laughed, knocking things to the floor.

"But seriously, I should probably find someone to clean this up," Preston chuckled. "It's actually a present from my other mom. Mother would be devastated to find it ruined."

Preston walked off, and was soon replaced by a dancing Chiu.

"Woah! What's up, Chiu?" Ford asked with a smile. Chiu grabbed Ford by the shoulders and dragged him around the corner.

"Ford! I have been looking for you!" Chiu said. "I fixed the laptop. I have been doing some calculations, and I think something is coming. Something big! The end times!"

Ford sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You know what, Chiu?" He said. "How about we talk about this stuff tomorrow? It's a party... Let's have some fun for once, huh?"

He walked off, smiling, his hands on his hips.

"But-" Chiu frowned. She pulled the laptop from her strange hairstyle and her hair fell to her waist. She opened the laptop. The words 'IMMINENT THREAT' and a countdown showing less than 24 hours flashed on the screen. "Oh, this is bad! Something is coming! Something big..."

Behind her was a tapestry with Bill on it. A group of skeletons was bowing down to him.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

Agent Powers, dressed in a disguise, pulled Agent Trigger, also in a disguise, into the coat close.

"Quick, in here, my darling!" Powers said in a fake accent.

"A moment alone at last!" Trigger said in a high voice as the door closed behind them.

"You can drop the act, Trigger," Powers said in his normal voice. The two agents pulled off their disguises. "They're seeing activity on the machine. It's go time."

"Roger that," Trigger saluted.

"Where's my phone?" Powers asked, searching himself.

"I don't have it," Trigger said.

"Yes you do, it was in your purse," Powers argued.

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to hold on to everything for you?" Triggers asked angrily.

"I asked you when we were in the car!" Powers argued.

"Why do we always have to fight at parties?!" Trigger complained. The door opened, revealing Shandra holding a jacket. She paused.

"Not even gonna ask," she said before leaving.


	11. Not What She Seems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel gets arrested, and it's up to Stan and Ford to clear her name. But what name are they supposed to clear?

It was late at night in Gravity Falls. A blue light glowed from the Mystery Shack. It seemed to be coming from behind the vending machine in the gift shop. Mabel was in the hidden basement, working in the laboratory. She pulled a lever, and green liquid flowed into large glass tanks.

"Come on, come on," she mumbled, pouring a barrel of toxic waste onto the machine. "Should be just enough to finish the job." She removed her glove and fez, accidentally wiping toxic waste on her forehead. The substance fizzled and glowed green before disappearing. "Whew. Can't be too careful with this stuff."

Red lights began to flash as a buzzer went off. Mabel smiled and turned to look at a screen. The words 'EVENT INITIALIZED' flashed onto the screen before a countdown from 18 hours began. Mabel looked at the first journal.

" _Warning,_ meow meow meow, _Extreme_ _usage_ _could result in minor gravity anomalies_ ," Mabel read aloud. She slammed the journal shut. "Quiet, DippingSauce! I've gotten this far. I ain't giving up now!" She pressed a button and the portal in the other room began to power up and spin. "Yes! This is it!"

Mabel's fez began to float off her head.

\-----

Outside the shack, rocks floated off the ground, and so did a squealing Waddles.

\-----

At the lake, a boat lifted up out of the water.

\-----

In the junkyard, broken-down cars and junk floated off the ground. Inside Chiu's shack, a blue light was blinking, illuminating the sleeping and floating Chiu. On the laptop, the word 'ACTIVE' flashed on the screen under a picture of the portal.

\-----

Back in the shack, Stan and Ford, asleep in their room, floated off their beds. Gompers floated with them, though he stayed asleep. A loud THUNK sounded as everything fell back into place.

\-----

"It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but it'll all be worth it," Mabel said. She synchronized her wristwatch with the steadily ticking countdown. "Just 18 more hours. Finally, everything will change. _Today._ "

A gust of wind slammed the journal shut, the blue pine tree on the cover shimmering in the light of the portal.

\-----

The next morning, Stan was running down the hall. A tired Ford was walking after him.

"Come on, come on, Sixer!" Stan called. "Okay, so I was just opening random doors- because I'm a creep- when I found something amazing!"

"If it was worth waking up at seven am for, that _will_ be amazing," Ford grouched, rubbing at his eyes under his glasses.

"Feast your nerdy eyes on this!" Stan exclaimed, opening the closet door to reveal a box of fireworks labeled 'DO NOT TOUCH!'

"Woah!" Ford gasped. Stan put a hand on his shoulder.

"Bro. Bro. We're both thinking it," he said.

"Crazy rooftop fireworks party!" The two twins shouted together. Mabel approached them wearing a bathrobe.

"Not so fast, ankle-biters!" She said. "There is no way you're setting off those dangerous, illegal fireworks." She smiled, bending down to put an arm around each twin. "Without me."

The twins smiled widely at each other.

\-----

The small family was on the roof, joined by Bella and Fiddleford. Mabel was now dressed in her normal suit. Ford grabbed a soda from the cooler. Stan stood excitedly next to Mabel, who was lighting a firework for him.

"Here you go, sweetie," Mabel handed him the firework and ruffled his hair. "Set something on fire for your Graunty Mabel."

"I AM THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION!" Stan screamed with glee as the firework shot off the roof, exploding among the trees.

"My turn, my turn!" Bella cried. Sheriff Holt and Deputy Roy approached the shack as the fireworks went off.

"Hey, wait a minute, do you have a permit for those?" Sheriff Holt asked.

"Uhh..." Fiddleford frowned nervously.

"Um, do you have a permit for being totally lame?" Stan taunted. The group laughed, and even Fiddleford chuckled a little.

"Well I can't argue with that," Holt laughed. Him and Roy walked off. "Carry on."

Mabel stopped laughing after a minute.

"But seriously, we should probably get this mess cleaned up," she said, looking at the surrounding area on fire.

"...With water balloons?" Stan asked.

"I don't see why not!" Mabel shrugged.

\-----

Mabel sat on the couch on the porch, drinking a Pitt Cola and watched the kids have their water balloon fight. They had split into two teams- Bella and Fiddleford against Stan and Ford. Bella and Fiddleford ran from the twins, laughing. Stan chucked a water balloon, which landed near their feet. Fiddleford turned around and tossed a water balloon. It landed about a foot away and didn't even pop.

"Seriously?" He groaned. Ford threw a water balloon at him, knocking the boy to the ground.

"Ah, this is what Saturdays are for," Mabel chuckled. "Doing dumb things forever."

"DUMB THINGS FOREVER!" The kids cheered. Linking arms, they all jumped into a pile of water balloons. One flew over to the porch and burst at Mabel's feet. She laughed.

"To Graunty Mabel!" Stan announced, holding up a half-eaten ice cream. "Not just a great aunt..."

"The greatest aunt!" Ford finished.

"And the best boss!" Fiddleford added. Ford tossed another water balloon at his graunty. She giggled as she dodged the balloon.

"Ok, ok," she laughed. "I'll tell ya, it's unnatural for siblings to get along as well as you two do."

"Don't worry!" Stan smiled, hugging Ford. "We've still got the rest of the summer to drive each other crazy!"

Ford shoved Stan off of him, hitting him in the face with a water balloon. Mabel laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her head.

"Yeah, the rest of the summer..." she said. "Kids, there's something I, uh, something I should tell you. It's um... well, it's hard to explain. I..." She looked down and the twins and their friends, who were looking up at her, confused. "I'm gonna go refresh my soda."

She walked off around the corner, standing near the bushes.

"Enjoy it while you can, Mabel," she sighed. "They'll find out sooner or later. Today's the day." A red light shone on her forehead. "What's that, a ladybug?" She tried to shoo it away. A lot more red dots appeared all over her body and clothes. "What the- Oh no!"

A masked agent tackled Mabel, pinning her to the ground. Agent Trigger approached, speaking into a walkie-talkie.

"Target secure! Take the house!" Trigger ordered. Several helicopters surrounded the house. A group of agents circled the kids.

"What the-?!" Stan cried. Ford gasped.

"Kids are secure!" An agent shouted into a walkie-talkie. "Roof team! Go!"

A few agents rappelled out of a helicopter. They broke into the Mystery Shack attic, preparing their weapons.

"Clear!" An agent yelled.

\-----

Another couple agents ran into the gift shop, each holding a bat. A third agent crashed through the window using a rope.

"Clear!" The third agent shouted.

\-----

Yet another agent broke through Stan and Ford's window, tackling Gompers and making him bleat in surprise.

"Goat secure!" The agent said as two more agents surrounded Gompers with police tape. "We have secured a goat!"

\-----

The agents began to wrap the house in police tape. Outside the shack, a group of police cars were parked in the yard. An agent led a struggling Mabel, trapped in handcuffs, over to one of the cars.

"Hey, hands off!" Mabel grunted. "Let go!" Her head was placed on the trunk of the police car. "I don't understand! What did I do that warrants _this_ much arresting?!"

Agent Trigger led the kids over, and Agent Powers approached.

"The government guys?" Ford asked. "I thought you were eaten by zombies!"

"Wasn't us!" Bella and Fiddleford said quickly.

"We survived. _Barely_ ," Trigger said.

"I used Trigger as a human shield," Powers explained. "He screamed like a baby."

"Wha- hey!" Trigger cried, hiding his face. Powers walked over to Mabel. "Not in front of the special-ops guys!"

"This is security footage of a government waste facility," Powers said. He held out a tablet showing security footage. On the screen, a person in a radiation suit was shown stealing barrels of toxic waste. "At o'four hundred hours last night someone robbed three hundred gallons of dangerous waste."

"What? You think _I_ did that?" Mabel asked, her eyes widening.

"Don't play dumb with us, Pines," Powers snapped.

"But- but I actually am dumb!" Mabel yelled as she was led away. "Last night I was restocking the gift shop! I promise!"

"Graunty Mabel!" Stan cried. "You've got the wrong woman! Sure, our Graunty Mabel might shoplift the occasional tangerine, but she'd never steal without a good reason!"

"Listen, kid," Powers began, bending down to be at eye level with the kids. "We've been watching your family all summer and we've seen some disturbing things. But nothing as dangerous as what your aunt is hiding. Somewhere hidden in this shack is a doomsday device!" The kids gasped, looking at each other in disbelief. Powers stood up and turned to Trigger. "Trigger, you take the Pines children. Get someone to walk the other two home. I'll talk to the old lady. Sorry to break it to you kids, but you don't know your aunt at all."

Powers put on a pair of sunglasses and walked off. Trigger snapped his fingers and pointed at the kids. Three agents walked over. Two took Bella and Fiddleford and began to walk them home, though they insisted to stay together. Another snatched Stan's ice cream from his hand.

"Icy-pop, clear!" The agent announced.

"Hey!" Stan whined, reaching for it as him and Ford were led away. Once they left, the third agent looked around and licked the ice cream he had stolen.

Stan and Ford were led into a police car, Trigger shutting the door behind them. They looked out the window to see Mabel in a government vehicle. She looked over at them, pounding on the window.

"Kids, you gotta believe me! I'm innocent!" Mabel shouted. The car began to drive off. Dan approached the shack, humming to himself.

" _Headin' into work. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo,_ " he sung. He saw the commotion going on and turned around. "Or maybe not."

\-----

Mabel was at the police station. She got her mugshot taken, her fingerprints recorded, and was sat down in an interrogation room. Behind her was a poster board of a bunch of pictures and strings, all leading to a picture of her.

"Mabel Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons," Powers listed. "How do you plead to these charges?"

"Uh, guilti-cent!" Mabel blurted. "I mean inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?"

\-----

Ria, Bella, and Fiddleford were at a restaurant called Yumberjacks. Ria was driving her truck, in the drive-thru.

"And then a large fry, and..." Ria looked at the menu. "Give me whatever you've got that comes with a free toy."

" _Ria_!" Mabel yelled through a walkie-talkie.

"Ms. Pines?" Ria asked, reaching out to touch the drive-thru speaker. "Is this some sort of... possession situation?"

"Ria!" Bella said, holding out the walkie-talkie. Ria grabbed it in time to hear Mabel.

"Ms. Pines, what happened?" Ria asked. "Bella and Fidds said you got arrested or something? I took them to get some panic food."

"Listen, I need something from you," Mabel said. "You know that vending machine in the gift shop? I need you to guard it with your _life_." Ria's eyes widened. "No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

Mabel hung up, leaving Ria to sit in shock.

"Looks like it's time for a repair girl," Ria adjusted her hat, "to become a repair _woman_."

"Ma'am, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal, large fries, and hamburger?" The man in the drive-thru held out the food.

"Oh, thank you," Ria said. She took the food and handed out the orders to Bella and Fiddleford. "Now, let's do this."

The tires squealed as Ria took off, driving wildly through a hedge.

\-----

Agent Trigger was driving a police car with Stan and Ford sitting in the back. Powers was speaking through a video link.

"We've got Ms. Pines in custody," Powers informed. "Our men are searching the shack for the device. You take care of those kids."

"What are you gonna do to us?" Stan asked fearfully.

"We'll be taking you to child services," Trigger said. The twins booed at his idea. "In the meantime, enjoy some mindless reality TV, designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions."

He pressed a button, lowering a TV screen in the back.

_The doctor stood over the patient laying on the stretcher._

_"_ _I'm_ _about to make the incision," t_ _he_ _doctor said._ _Suddenly_ _, a teenage boy_ _jumped_ _out from_ _behind_ _a potted plant._

_"KER-PRANKED!" The teen yelled, causing the_ _doctor_ _to scream. The words appeared on screen._

_"_ _You're_ _watching 'KER-PRANKED!' with Justin Kerprank!" The_ _TV_ _announcer said._

"Ford, this is crazy!" Stan whispered. "There's no way Mabel was stealing hazardous waste! We've gotta clear her name!"

Ford looked around thoughtfully, spotting the camera in the front of the car. He gasped.

"That's it!" He said. "The security footage! Didn't Mabel say she was restocking the gift shop last night? If we can get the Mystery Shack surveillance tapes, we could prove she's innocent!"

"We just need to think of a way out of here," Stan said. "Think, Stan..." He looked out the window. "Think."

A logging truck driven by Womanly Wendy drove up next to them. On the back of the truck, Stan spotted a 'Mult'ple Timez Rules!' bumper sticker. He knocked on the window, getting Womanly Wendy's attention. He wrote 'MULT'PLE TIMEZ IS STUPID!' on the window. Wendy gasped.

"NO!" She screamed, jerking the steering wheel. She rammed into the government vehicle, sending it rolling down a hill and into the forest.

"Mayday, mayday!" Trigger yelled. "Agent down!" They all screamed as the car crashed into the trees. Trigger got stuck between the car and a branch, and struggled to get free. "Darn branch."

"Haha, yes!" Stan cheered. He opened the car door, allowing him and Ford to escape the wreckage.

"Backup! Requesting backup!" Trigger shouted. Ford ripped the earpiece out of the agent's ear and stepped on it.

"Come on, Sixer," Stan said. "We're gonna go clear our aunt's name."

"Oh, you poor kids," Trigger shook his head. "You really think your aunt's innocent? I've seen it all before." Stan walked away, but Ford stopped to listen. "False names, double lives; one minute they're playing with water balloons, the next they're building doomsday devices! Your aunt scammed the whole world. You gonna let her scam you, too?"

Ford looked back at Trigger.

"You... you don't know what you're talking about," Ford said.

"You're gonna regret this!" Trigger yelled after the twins. The air bag inflated, causing Trigger to scream and the car horn to go off.

\-----

Stan and Ford hid on the side of the road. Two government vehicles drove by, and the twins disappeared from the roadside. Somehow, they had managed to hide in the trunk of the second car. They passed by a arrow sign that read 'MYSTERY SHACK'.

\-----

The countdown in the basement read five hours left.

\-----

Mabel checked her wristwatch, watching the time count down to five hours.

"Only five hours left," she huffed. "I gotta _be_ there! Come on, Mabel. You can think of a way out of this." She pounded her head on the table. "Think, think!"

Mabel jumped as the device started beeping. She looked at her watch, seeing the words 'ANOMALY IN PROGRESS' flashing. Various items in the room began to float, including the table, a cup, and the coffee inside of it. Everything crashed back down.

"They're getting stronger," Mabel murmured. She perked back up. "That's it!"

\-----

Meanwhile in town, cars, people, and other objects floated off the ground and crashed back down.

"Is it just me, or did the entire world just hiccup?" Tyler asked.

"I'm sure it was only a baby-sized earthquake," Growling Grenda waved it off.

"Aww, baby-sized!" Tyler cooed.

\-----

Meanwhile, Crazy Chiu was in her shack, quickly packing stuff into a bag. The laptop was opening and showing the same countdown.

"It's happening! The End Times!" Chiu cried. "When that machine activates... I got to get outta town!"

She quickly ran out of her home as helicopters flew overhead.

\-----

Stan and Ford were hiding in a bush near the shack.

"Alright, here's the plan," Stan whispered. "I'll take out those two guard guys, you left hook the other dude in the face, and then we'll back flip through the front door!"

"Uh, Lee?" Ford said. "Aren't you forgetting the _easier_ solution?"

"Oh yeah," Stan realized.

\-----

Two agents were looking at The Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock.

"So is it a rock or is it a face?" One agent asked.

"I think... it's a metaphor," the other agent responded.

As they talked, Stan used Mabel's grappling hook and shot it through the window. Stan and Ford slid along the rope into the attic. They ran down the stairs, sneaking past the agents. They snuck into Mabel's office, locking the door behind them. They high-fived.

"Alright, if I was Mabel, where would I hide those security tapes?" Ford asked. He looked over a bookshelf and a filing cabinet. Stan looked around, spotting a screw on the antler of a mounted jackalope covered in glitter.

"Wait! The antleabbit!" Stan pointed.

"Don't you mean 'jackalope'?" Ford asked him.

"Pfft, that can't be right," Stan laughed. He reached up and bent the antler back into place. The wall began to turn, showering glitter onto the twins and causing Stan to giggle. On the other side of the wall were two TV monitors and a tape player. The twins cheered. Stan pointed to a tape halfway in the player.

"It's this week!" He said. "This is it!"

_The tape staticed and cleared, showing Stan, Fiddleford, Bella, and Ria were in the gift shop. Ria was on the floor, doing the wormy_ _dance_ _as the three kids_ _cheered_ _her on._

"Someone yelled 'Wormy Dance'; we had to!" Stan argued. "Fast forward."

The video fast forwarded a few hours. Mabel was now in the gift shop, stacking boxes on the counter.

"Ha! There she is!" Ford said happily. "Mabel restocking, just like she said! And the date shows it was last night. It's proof! Mabel is innocent!"

_The time showed 7:00 pm when Mabel snuck out of the gift shop. The tape went forward to 8:00, and Mabel was still gone._

"Uh oh..." Ford frowned.

"Maybe she's just going to the bathroom outside," Stan said, denying the obvious. "Like nature intended!"

_5:00 am. A figure in a hazardous waste suit was wheeling_ _barrels_ _of toxic waste into the gift shop._

"Oh no..." Ford mumbled. "Mabel, you didn't!"

"Don't panic," Stan smiled nervously. "That could be anyone in that suit!"

_The figure dropped a_ _barrel_ _of waste on their foot._

_"Ah! OUCH!" A feminine voice screamed. "SWEET LOVER OF EDIBLE GLITTER, THAT HURT!"_

"That's her, alright," Ford frowned.

"Okay, okay, so maybe Graunty Mabel stole some toxic waste," Stan said. "That doesn't mean she's leading a double life!"

Ford pulled out a box from under the TV.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Lee..." Ford said. He turned on a desk light, showing the box full of IDs and passports. Stan frowned, kneeling down to search through the box with his brother.

"What is all this?" Stan whispered. He picked up an ID, reading from it. " _Maple Pinefield_?"

" _May Forester_?" Ford read. " _Alexia '8-Ball' Alcatraz_? These are fake IDs, Stan! You wouldn't need these unless you were trying to hide who you really were!"

"But why would Mabel do that?" Stan asked, unfolding a newspaper article. He stared at the headline in shock and horror.

_YOUNGEST PINES SIBLING DEAD._

He slowly passed the newspaper to Ford, who gasped.

"WHAT?!" He exclaimed. " _Youngest Pines Sibling Dead_?"

" _Fowl play suspected in Pines death_ ," Stan read. "Firey car crash, unidentified but definitely the youngest, brakes cut- by who?!"

Ford picked up another newspaper clipping, which showed a picture of a younger Mabel.

" _Unnamed grifter at large_?" Ford read. "Why would they call her unnamed? Unless Mabel..."

"Isn't..."

"Mabel?!"

The twins turned to look at a painting of Mabel behind them.

\-----

The clock now read less than 16 minutes.

\-----

Ford was pacing around the room, looking distressed.

"Mabel Pines is dead?!" Ford asked. "Then who have we been living with?! There weren't any siblings younger than Mabel, right? Only Grandpa."

"Only Grandpa," Stan nodded. "Maybe we're just getting Ker-Prank'd! Justin Kerprank is gonna jump up from behind one of these plants any minute now!" He turned to look at a nearby potted plant. "Any minute, Justin..."

"I can't believe it," Ford said. "This whole summer I've been looking for answers, and the biggest mystery was right under our nose!"

"Ugh, there's gotta be an explanation in here somewhere!" Stan groaned, searching through the box. He picked up a drawing. "What the...? _Secret code to hideout_?"

"Let me see that," Ford said, snatching the paper. He pulled out the third journal and a blacklight. He shined the blacklight on the pages, looking between the book and the paper. " _A1, B, C3..._ I've never seen a code like this."

"Wait, I have!" Stan realized. "Ford, it's the vending machine!"

\-----

Mabel looked at her watch. The countdown read 13 minutes. Powers entered the room with two more agents.

"Alright, Pines. Playtime is over," Powers said. "Chopper's ready to dust off to Washington. I'll enjoy putting you away."

"What?!" Mabel exclaimed. "No! Um, I mean... can't we stick around for a minute? Uh, one minute 30 seconds?"

"We're not falling for your games, Pines," Powers said, walking behind the chair Mabel sat in. "You've been running your whole life. Your time is finally up."

"Bathroom break?" Mabel requested, thinking quickly. "Just give me... 15 seconds!"

"Sorry, but you've got a flight to catch," Powers said as he unlocked Mabel's handcuffs. A few more seconds, and Mabel's watch began to beep.

"Oh yeah?" The woman smirked. "So do you."

"Huh?" Powers' eyes widened. Everything began to float again. Mabel kicked the table into the agents. Powers exclaimed in fear and confusion, trying to catch Mabel. The old woman hit Powers with the back of her chair, breaking it. She kicked off from the wall, caught the handcuff keys in midair, and un-cuffed herself.

"Hey! Dang it, get back here! Men, get her!" Powers yelled. Mabel hopped from agent to agent, jumping out of the room. "You won't get away with this!"

Mabel slammed the door in Powers' face, locking it. Her watch beeped again and gravity returned to normal. From the other room, Roy fell out of the door. A blindfolded Holt followed, swinging a bat at a non-existent piñata.

"Am I close? Am I close?" Holt asked excitedly. Mabel ran outside, where everything was crashing to the ground. She ran over to a taxi cab.

"Do you know where the Mystery Shack is?" She asked the driver.

"Uh, yeah?" The driver responded, confused.

"Great," Mabel panted. "Here's 100 bucks." She handed the money to the driver. "Drive as far away from the Mystery Shack as you can. And don't stop when the cops start chasing you!"

The driver raised an eyebrow at her and shrugged before speeding off. Mabel hid behind a wrecked car just as a group of agents ran out of the police station.

"She's getting away!" Powers shouted. He watched the cab drive off. "Obviously, follow that cab!"

\-----

Trigger drove up to the Mystery Shack, stepping out of the government vehicle.

"Mabel escaped!" He informed. "She's at large! We need to sweep the town! Move, move, move!"

\-----

Ria snuck in through the gift shop window and moved to stand protectively in front of the vending machine. Bella and Fiddleford climbed in after her.

"Alright Ria, remember the plan," she said to herself. "Guard the machine, earn Mabel's trust, legally get adopted by Mabel, change name to Mabel 2."

"Ria? Guys?"

Ria jumped, not expecting the voice. She looked down to see the twins.

"Kids! Where have you been?" Ria asked.

"Oh thank God, you're ok!" Bella rushed forward to hug Stan. "You both are!"

"What are you doing here?" Ford asked Ria.

"Mabel gave me a mission to protect this machine," Ria said proudly. She laughed. "Man, and I thought I loved snacks."

"It did seem a might strange," Fiddleford said.

"Ria, listen," Ford began. "Something big is going on here. If Mabel is hiding some dangerous secret, we need to know about it! I have to ask you to step aside."

"Yeah, just let us through so we can prove this is all a big misunderstanding," Stan added with a smile.

"Guys, I know this seems crazy, but I promised Mabel I would guard this with my life," Ria said. She looked at Bella and Fiddleford. "You guys get it, right?"

The two best friends looked at each other sadly.

"I'm sorry, Ria," Bella shook her head. "We're siding with the twins on this one."

"I'm sorry, too," Stan said. He stepped forward, blowing a handful of glitter into Ria's eyes. The woman screamed, rubbing her eyes.

"AHHH! ATTACK GLITTER!" She screamed. "IT'S PRETTY BUT IT HURTS!"

The twins jumped on Ria, wrestling to reach the machine. The three fought for a minute. Fiddleford tried to rush past, but Ria held him back with her arm. Bella snuck past, standing at the vending machine.

"Quick, what's the code?!" She yelled.

"A1, B, C3!" Ford shouted. Bella punched in the code and the vending machine door burst open, knocking Ria and the kids to the floor. They coughed, waving the dust out of their faces. Bella sneezed, clearing away most of the dust. They gasped upon seeing the secret passage.

Ria led the group down the staircase, holding up a lantern.

"It's like something from a video game..." Bella mumbled.

"Or a dream..." Stan said, looking around.

"...Or a nightmare," Ford and Fiddleford said together.

\-----

Mabel was running towards the shack.

\-----

Ria, Stan, Ford, Bella, and Fiddleford rode down the elevator.

\-----

Mabel checked her watch.

"I need to be there when it happens!" She panted. She ripped her suit on a branch. "Ah!"

\-----

Ria and the kids entered Mabel's lab with a gasp.

"Guys, are we dreaming?" Stan asked. "Please tell me we're dreaming."

"This can't be real," Ford mumbled.

"I don't understand," Ria breathed. "Why would Ms. Pines have all this?"

"It's jus' like the bunker," Fiddleford said softly. Him and Bella both had a death grip on each other's hand.

"But why is it underneath the shack?" Bella asked.

"Okay, okay, so she's got a huge gigantic lab," Stan began. "That doesn't mean anything bad! Everyone's got secrets!" He saw the picture of him and Ford and picked it up. "It's still Mabel, and she loves us. And we love her. Right?"

Ford was too busy looking at the first two journals, which were sitting on the desk.

"It can't be... it's impossible," he said. He pulled out the third journal. "The other two journals?! All this time... all this time, Mabel had them?! I can't believe it! Was anything she said to us real?!" He kicked the desk. "Why would she have those journals?!"

"Maybe _she's_ the author," Ria suggested.

"Or maybe she _stole_ them from the author!" Ford snapped. "Maybe the reason she has all those fake IDs is because she _is_ a master criminal, and this machine is her master plan!"

He opened all the journals to the blueprint pages. He placed them together, connecting the pages to show the portal. He shone the blacklight on the books and everyone gasped.

"Woah..." Stan breathed. Ford began to read the hidden text.

" _I was wrong the whole time. The machine was meant to create knowledge but it is too powerful. I was deceived, and now it is too late. The device, if fully operational, could tear our universe apart! It must not fall into the wrong hands. If the clock ever reaches zero, our universe is doomed!_ "

The group looked up at the countdown, which had reached one minute and thirty seconds.

"It's the final countdown!" Ria cried, pointing. "Just like they always sung about!"

"Great, I'm gonna die and _that_ song is going to be the song stuck in my head!" Bella yelled. Ford flipped to a page titled 'MANUAL OVERRIDE'.

"The agents were right!" He shouted. "We have to shut it down!" They group entered the portal room and gasped as the ground began to shake. Ford looked around, spotting a control center with three keys. "There! Quick! Turn these, together!" Stan, Ford, and Ria turned the keys. A device in the center of the room popped open, revealing a large, red button. "That's it! The shutdown switch!" He ran over the button, preparing to press it. "This all stops... now!"

"DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON!"

The group looked towards the entrance at the female scream. Mabel stood in the doorway, panting tiredly.

"Ford, please don't," Mabel begged. Ford's hand remained stationary over the button. "Please, don't press the shutdown button. You have to trust me..."

"And I should trust you _why_?!" Ford shouted. "After you stole radioactive waste?! After you lied to us all summer?! I don't even know who you are!"

"Look, I know this all seems bananas, but I need this machine to stay on!" Mabel cried. "If you just let me explain-" Her watch began to beep. "Oh no, brace yourselves!"

They were lifted into the air. All over town, gravity disappeared. The sun and the sky became a dark red.

" _T-minus 35 seconds_ ," the computer spoke. Mabel cried out as she spun in midair. Ford clung onto a wooden support, grabbing Fiddleford and Bella by the hand as they floated by.

"Ford!" Stan screamed, his foot caught on a wire near the button.

"Lee, hurry!" Ford shouted. "Shut it down!"

Stan crawled down the wire towards the button and was about to press it.

"No! Stanley! Stanley, wait! Stop!" Mabel cried. She tried to swim over to the boy, but Ria knocked her out of the way. "Ria! What are you doing?! I gave you an order!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Pines!" Ria shouted. "If that is your real name! But I have a new mission now- protecting these kids!"

"Ria, please!" Mabel begged. "Let me go!"

Ford grunted, pushing off from the wooden beam and hitting Mabel and Ria.

"Go! Stan, press the red button!" Ford yelled. "Shut it down!"

"No, you can't!" Mabel sobbed- actually sobbed- and pushed Ford away. "You have to trust me!"

"Graunty Mabel!" Stan yelled and started crying. "I don't even know, if you're my _graunty_! I want to believe you, but-!"

"Then listen to me," Mabel said, wiping her tears. "Remember this morning, when I said I had something to tell you guys?"

" _T-minus 20 seconds_ ," the computer said. They all screamed as everyone except for Stan was flung against the wall. Stan prepared to push the button again.

"I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true," Mabel began. "But trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for the people I love!"

"Stan, what if she's lying?!" Ford yelled. "This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!"

"Look into my eyes, Stan!" Mabel sobbed. Stan looked at her tear-filled eyes. "Do you really think I'm a bad person?!"

"She's lying!" Ford screamed. "Shut it down NOW!"

"Stanley! Please!" Mabel begged. Stan looked away, lowering his hand closer to the button.

" _Ten. Nine._ "

"Graunty Mabel..." Stan said.

" _Six. Five._ "

Stan lifted his hand, letting go of the button stand and floating into the air.

"...I trust you."

"LEE, ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Ford screamed. "WE'RE ALL GONNA-!"

" _One._ "

Everyone screamed as the room disappeared in a flash of white light. The blinding light engulfed all of Gravity Falls. Gravity came back, and everything fell back down to earth. The portal was now a tangled mess of wires and metal and it glowed bright blue. A dark figure emerged from the portal. The blue light from the portal slowly went out. The figure walked forward, a blue pine tree pin visible on his coat. The pine tree matched the one on the journals. The figured picked up the first journal and tucked it inside a pocket in his long, dark coat.

"What...?" Ford said quietly. "Who... _is_ that?"

Mabel rubbed her head, looking up at the figure.

"The author of the journals..." she said. The figure removed his hood, revealing a masculine face that looked almost just like Mabel's. A big dipper birthmark was visible on his forehead.

"My brother."

"...Is this the part where one of us faints?" Stan asked, staring in shock.

"Oh-ho, I am _so_ on it, dude," Ria laughed before passing out.  
.  
.  
.  
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Two young kids about Stan and Ford's age, a boy and a girl, sat in the sand on the beach, building sand castles. The boy had on a pine tree hat, and the girl had on a shooting star sweater.


	12. A Tale of Two Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel and her twin brother tell the story of their life.

_The_ _two kids- both twelve- laughed as they ran along the beach. The boy's hair was down to just past his shoulders and a blue pine tree hat adorned his head. The girl was wearing an ocean blue sweater with a_ _ship_ _on it, even though it was summer._

_"Hey, wait up!" The boy panted._

_"Hehe, come on, bro!" The girl giggled. "You gotta_ keep _up!"_

_"I-I can keep up!"_ _The_ _boy called. The girl came to a sudden stop, causing the boy to crash into her._

_"Hey, bro-bro, look!" The girl pointed to a boarded up cave._

_"Woah!" The boy said, peaking through the boards._

_"Neato!" The girl said. looking with him._

_"I wonder if it has any lost prehistoric lifeforms!" The boy said excitedly. "Or maybe some paranormal creatures!"_

_"_ _You're_ _a paranormal creature!" The girl giggled, playfully shoving the boy. He laughed and shoved her back. The boy_ _tried_ _to pull apart the boards, but failed and fell backwards._

_"Hehe, good thing_ _I'm_ _here, huh DippingSauce?" The girl asked. "_ _You've_ _got your paranormal nerdiness, and_ _I've_ _got," she pulled out a grappling hook and shot it at the board, destroying them, "grappling hook!"_

_"I-it's kinda creepy in here..." t_ _he_ _boy said, shining a flashlight around the cave._

_"_ _Don't_ _worry, bro-bro," the girl smiled. "_ _Wherever_ _we go, we go together. Hey!_ _Let's_ _write our names! We can claim this place as our own!"_

_"Yeah!" The boy nodded in agreement. He pulled out a permanent marker and wrote his name_ _before_ _handing it to the girl. Once the girl wrote her name, the two kids_ _walked_ _off into the cave._

_"Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!" They chanted. The names 'Dipper & Mabel Pines' were left on the cave wall._

\-----

Mabel approached her brother, a smile on her face and her arms open for a hug.

"Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here!" Mabel said happily. "Bro-bro!"

The man slapped Mabel in the face and she stumbled backwards.

"Oh! Ow! What was that for?!" Mabel yelled.

"This was an _insanely_ risky move!" The man snapped. "Restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?!"

"Warnings, schmarnings," Mabel waved it off. "How about a 'thank you' for saving you from what seems to be, I-I don't know, some sort of weird sci-fi dimension?"

"Thank you?" The man murmured. "You really think I'm gonna _thank you_ after what you did 30 YEARS AGO?!"

"What _I_ did?!" Mabel yelled. "You ungrateful little-" She went to punch the man, but he ducked out of the way and held her arms behind her back. "Don't think I'm gonna go easy on ya, just because you're family!"

The man pinned Mabel to the floor, and the two of them looked up when Stan walked over.

"Hey. Hi. Quick question," he smiled. "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!"

"Mabel, you didn't tell me there were children down here," the man mumbled, adjusting his glasses. "And some sort of... large, hairless gopher?"

"Haha, I get that a lot," Ria laughed, and the man's eyes widened.

"They're your family, Dip-Dots," Mabel said. "Stan and Ford here are Tyrone's grandsons."

"I... I have nephews?" The man asked, smiling softly. He walked forward to shake Stan's hand. "Greetings. Do kids still say 'greetings?' I haven't been in this dimension in a _very_ long time."

"Wow, you have the big dipper on your forehead!" Stan pointed out.

"Oh, yes, that's my birthmark," the man chuckled. "It's how I get my nickname."

"I-I can't believe it," Ford said, his eyes wide. "You're the author of the journals!"

"You've read my journals?" Dipper asked, smiling and pulling out the first journal.

"I-I haven't just read them, I've _lived_ them!" Ford laughed. He started walking in circles. "I've been waiting for so long to meet you! I-I don't know what to say, I have so many questions, I-" He started breathing heavily. He moaned. "I think I'm gonna throw up." Fiddleford hurried over and rubbed Ford's back. "Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out!"

"Listen, there'll be time for introductions later," Dipper assured. "But first, tell me, Mabel: are there any security breaches? Does _anyone else_ know about this portal?"

"No, just us," Mabel said, crossing her arms. She bit her lip. "Also, maybe, the entire US government?"

"The _what_?!" Dipper shouted.

" _Fan out!" Powers said on the security camera. "_ _We're_ _not going anywhere until we find Mabel Pines and those kids!"_

Dipper sighed, placing his hand on his forehead.

"It's alright, it's ok," he said. "We've got a _while_ till they find this room. We just need to lay low and _think of a plan_."

He pulled out his journal and began to write inside it.

"Well it looks like we're stuck down here for a while," Bella said. "How about we tell stories? Mr. and Ms. Pines, you can go first."

"Yes, I have some questions about all this myself, Mabel," Dipper said.

"Yeah, Graunty Mabel!" Ford agreed. "No more lies! You owe us some answers! What's up with this portal? Why did you keep it a secret?"

"An' what happened between you an' yer brother?" Fiddleford asked.

"I hope this all aligns _exactly_ with my fanfictions, Mabel," Ria crossed her arms. "Or else I will be _very_ disappointed."

"Ok ok ok, I have a lot of explaining to do," Mabel sighed. "It all started... a lifetime ago."

_A seagull landed on a sign_ _that_ _said 'Piedmont Beach'._

_"1960-something," Mabel narrated. "Piedmont Beach, California. I lived with my mom and dad near the beach."_

_Dipper and_ _Mabel's_ _dad sat down in a chair and read a newspaper._

_"Dad was a good guy," Mabel said. "Sometimes_ _he_ _did_ _irrational things when angry, but he always thought he was doing it 'for the best.'"_

_"_ _It's_ _for the best," their dad said._

_"Mom was a sweet woman," Mabel said. "Always knitting the cutest clothes to sell."_

_"_ _That's_ _another one," their mom smiled and set a sweater on a pile of knitting clothes._

_Young Dipper was on his bed in his and young Mabel's shared room,_ _reading_ _a book._

_"And then there was my unidentical twin brother, Dipper," Mabel said. "As if his abnormally high IQ_ _wasn't_ _enough, he was also transgender; born as female and identifying as a boy. Of course,_ _I_ _was super supportive of him. Mom and dad... tolerated it."_

_Dipper was drawing in a notebook._

" _Anyways, Dipper had an interest in the paranormal," Mabel said. "It probably had something_ _to_ _do with us visiting our grandpa in_ _Gravity_ _Falls when we were eight."_

_Young Mabel laughed, running into the room covered in glitter. She ran_ _into_ _the wall and fell back onto the floor._

_"As for me,_ _I_ _was the glittery child_ _I've_ _always been," Mabel said. Young Mabel shook the glitter off her head. Young Dipper laughed and helped her up. "But as different as we were, we were the perfect team." Young Dipper and Mabel were walking around a cave. "And everyday we would explore the beach, looking for adventure."_

_"Woah..." young Mabel pointed towards a shipwrecked boat._

_"A shipwrecked sailboat!" Young Dipper gasped. "Possibly haunted by ghosts!"_

_"This is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" Young Mabel exclaimed._

_"Even cooler than glitter?" Young Dipper teased. Young Mabel giggled._

_"Nothing is cooler than glitter!" She said. She looked up at the boat. "Hm, you know what this thing's missing?"_

_The two children stood and thought for a minute._

_"Flags!" Young Dipper realized._

_\-----_

_Young Dipper and Mabel were pushing the boat out of the cave and onto the beach. Mabel's sweater and Dipper's shirt were tied to the mast, leaving the girl in a t-shirt and the boy in what looked like a double sports bra. Both were badly sunburnt, but neither seemed to care._

_"Kings of California! Kings of California!_ _Kings of California!" The twins chanted. Once they pushed the boat to where they wanted it, young Dipper painted the words 'The Mystery Boat' onto the side of the ship in black paint._

_"I dub thee 'The Mystery Boat'!" Dipper announced, holding up the paintbrush. Suddenly a rock hit the back of his head. "Ow! What the heck?"_

_The twins turned to see three older girls standing nearby._

_"Well well well, if it ain't the loser twins!" The biggest girl teased. "Nice boat! Where'd you get it, the dump?"_

_She laughed and high-fived the other two girls._

_"You would know, Brenda!" Mabel snapped, standing up. "Get outta here!"_

_"Listen up, dweebs, and listen good," the girl, Brenda, snapped. She pointed at Dipper. "You're a wanna-be boy," she pointed at Mabel, "and you're just a... normaler, sillier version of her!  And you're lucky you have each other, because neither of you are ever gonna make any friends!"_

_The three girls laughed, walking off. Dipper looked sadly down at the sports bras on his chest, folding his arms over them._

_"Hey, don_ _'t let those girls get to you,_ _" Mabel said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder._

_"But I_ am _a wanna-be..." Dipper sniffed._ _"I just wonder if there's anywhere where weirdos like me fit in..._ _"_

_Mabel set a determined face._

_"Hey,_ _" she said, and Dipper looked up at her._ _"You're not a wanna-be boy, you're a manly man. And when we grow up, you'll be able to make that happen. Besides, one day you and me are gonna sail away from here. We'll hunt for paranormal creatures, and I'll get all the boys, and we'll be an unstoppable team of adventurers!_ _"_

_"You mean it?_ _" Dipper asked, looking up with a smile._

_"Awkward sibling hug?_ _" Mabel asked._

_"Awkward sibling hug,_ _" Dipper giggled, hugging his sister._

_"Those were the good days,_ _" Mabel narrated._ _"Those bullies may have been right about us not making many friends, but when push comes to shove, you only really need one._ _"_

_Young Dipper and Mabel were at school. Dipper was solving a math problem while Mabel drew a unicorn fairy on the chalkboard. The teacher hit Mabel on the head with a ruler._

_A few years later, around age 15, the twins were fixing up the boat. Dipper's hair was shorter._ _Mabel had a soda in her hand while she hammered a nail into the mast._

_Age 17, Dipper was at a school party, talking nervously to a girl. He seemed to mess up and smack his forehead before trying again. The girl tossed her drink on him and walked away. Mabel walked over, smiling, and tossed her own drink on herself. Dipper and Mabel laughed._

_"Dipper's brain seemed to get more impressive every year,_ _" Mabel narrated._ _"And so did our pet project._ _" Teen Dipper and Mabel were putting a sail on the boat. Then they were in class, where Mabel was chewing gum and doodling on her classwork. She leaned over to copy off of Dipper, who smiled slightly at her._ _"I might not have taken school all that seriously- or taken anything seriously- but when your brother's the smartest kid in school, you've always got a leg up on the competition._ _" Teen Dipper won a science fair, earning a trophy. Mabel hurried over and put an arm around his shoulder._ _"The future was looking bright. For both of us. Until one day..._ _"_

_Teen Mabel was eating from a baggie of sprinkles in class while Dipper wrote something._

_"Pines twins to the principal's office," a voice said over the PA._ _"Pines twins to_ _the principal's office._ _"_

_"I wonder what's up?_ _" Mabel said, looking over at a confused Dipper._

\-----

_Dipper and Mabel walked into the office when a women at her desk stopped them._

_"Not you,_ _" she said, pointing at Mabel. She pointed to Dipper._ _"Her._ _"_

_"It's him,_ _" Mabel corrected the lady._ _"Go on, Dipper._ _"_

_The twins smiled at each other and Mabel sat down outside the office door. Dipper entered the office, seeing his parents sitting in front of the desk. He sat down between them._

_"Now Mr. Pines, I'd like to speak to you very frankly, if I may,_ _" the principal said._

_"You may,_ _" Dipper and Mabel's dad nodded._

_"You have two children,_ _" the principal began._ _"One of them is incredibly gifted, and the other is standing outside this door and her name's Mabel._ _"_

_"What are you saying?_ _" Their mother asked._

_"I'm saying your son Mason is a genius!" The principal exclaimed, standing up. "_ _All_ _his teachers are going bananas over his science fair project!" He handed Dipper a pamphlet "Ya ever heard of East Coast Tech? Best college in the country. Their graduates turn science fiction into science FACT! The admissions team is visiting tomorrow to check out Mason's experiment. Your son may be a future millionaire, Mr. Pines."_

_"Impressive," Mr. Pines smiled._

_"But what_ _about_ _our little Mabel?" Mrs._ _Pines_ _asked._

_"That clown?" The principal laughed. "If she_ _doesn't_ _get serious,_ _she'll_ _be_ _lucky to graduate high school!"_ _Unknown_ _to them, Mabel was standing outside the door, listening. "Look,_ _there's_ _a candy store on the dock. And_ _somebody's_ _gotta get_ _paid_ _to scrape_ _the_ _barnacles off_ _of_ _it. Mason's goin' places. But hey, look on the bright side. At least_ _you'll_ _have one kid here in California forever."_

_Mabel slid to the floor in despair._

_\-----_

_Dipper and_ _Mabel_ _were sitting on the edge of a sandbox. Dipper was looking over the pamphlet for East Coast Tech he had gotten earlier that day._

_"Heh, jokes on them if they_ _think_ _you wanna go to some stuffy college on the other side of the country," Mabel smiled,_ _though_ _it looked forced. "Once we complete the Mystery Boat,_ _it'll_ _be_ _beaches, dudes and babes, and hunting for_ _paranormal_ _creatures!"_

_"Look, Mabel, I can't pass up a chance like this," Dipper said. "This school has cutting edge programs and multi-dimensional paradigm theory."_

_"_ Beep-boop, I am a nerd robot _," Mabel_ _said_ _in a robot voice. "_ _That's_ _you._ _That's_ _what_ _you sound like."_

_"_ _Hehe_ _, ah well," Dipper_ _smiled_ _weakly. "If the collage board_ _isn't_ _impressed with my experiment tomorrow, then ok, I'll do the paranormal hunting thing."_

_"And if they are?" Mabel asked._

_"Well then,_ _I_ _guess you better come visit me on the other side of the country!"_ _Dipper_ _laughed, shoving Mabel playfully. Dipper got up and walked off, leaving a sad Mabel to sit by herself._

_"_ _Without_ _Dipper_ _I_ _was just half of a dynamic duo,"_ _Present-Mabel_ _narrated. "I_ _couldn't_ _make it without him."_

_\-----_

_Young Mabel was walking_ _through_ _the rows of science experiments at night, eating from a bag of sprinkles._

_"And now,_ _thanks_ _to that dumb college,_ _I_ _was gonna lose my brother forever," Mabel narrated._

_Teen Mabel stopped and looked at_ _Dipper's_ _machine. She growled, throwing the baggie of sprinkles on the floor._

_"This is all your fault, you dumb machine!" Mabel yelled. She slammed her hands on the table and a piece of_ _Dipper's_ _experiment popped off. "Oh no! Oh no no, what did_ _I_ _do?!" She carefully put the piece back on, pushing the screw into place. "There, good as new. Probably."_

_She put the tarp up in front of the machine and left quickly._

_\-----_

_The next day, Dipper_ _stood_ _in front of the tarp. He nervously adjusted his bowtie as the college board approached._

_"Alright kid, show us what_ _you've_ _got," a man said._

_"Ok! Yes!" Dipper said, and began to sweat nervously. "What if_ _I_ _told you that the future of technology was beneath this sheet?"_

_He_ _ripped_ _the_ _sheet away, revealing the broken machine._

_"_ _I'd_ _say we wasted a car trip," the man deadpanned._

_"What?!" Dipper cried, looking at the machine. "B-but it was stable yesterday! I_ _don't_ _understand! A-a fuse_ _must_ _have blown or something!"_

_The man_ _crossed_ _off 'Mason Pines' from a list of names._

_"Kid, a perpetual motion machine has one job: to not stop," the man said. "I don't think you're East Coast Tech material."_

_"Wait!_ _Don't_ _go!" Dipper cried as the college board left. "I worked so hard!"_

_He stepped on the dropped bag of sprinkles. He_ _picked_ _it up, growling with anger._

_\-----_

_Teen Mabel was at home, sitting_ _on_ _the couch and knitting a new sweater. This one was blue with a golden_ _award_ _on it. The TV was_ _playing_ _in the background._

_"Wow,_ _he's_ _a hottie," Mabel_ _whistled_ _, looking at the TV. Dipper walked over, blocking his sister's view of the TV. "Dipper!_ _How'd_ _it_ _go_ _?_ _I'm_ _already making you a victory sweater!"_

_"Can you explain what_ this _was doing next to my_ _broken_ _project?!" Dipper asked angrily, holding out the baggie of sprinkles. Mabel squirmed in her seat, glancing around nervously._

_"Ok, so_ _I_ _might have accidentally been... playing around, and-" she began._

_"This was no_ accident _, Mabel!" Dipper_ _yelled._ _"_ You _did this! You did this because you_ _didn't_ _want me going to college on my own!"_

_"_ _Dipper_ _, it was a mistake!" Mabel cried. She smiled nervously. "But_ _hey_ _, look on the bright side. Mystery hunting?"_

_"Are you kidding me?" Dipper snapped. "Why would I want to do anything with the person who sabotaged my entire_ future _?!"_

_He shoved Mabel onto the couch. Their dad grabbed her by the front of her sweater._

_"You did_ what _, you knucklehead?" He asked angrily._

_"Mabel?" Mrs. Pines entered the room holding a kid who looked to be about three. "_ _What's_ _going on in here?"_

_"Aunty May-May?" The kid said sleepily._

_"Wait, I-I can explain!"_ _Mabel_ _cried. "It was an accident!"_

_"You idiot!" Mr. Pines yelled,_ _shoving_ _Mabel out the front door. "Your brother was going to be our ticket out of this dump! All you ever do is_ _play_ _with glitter and ride on his coattails. Well this time you cost our family potential_ millions _!_ _A_ _nd_ _until_ you _make us rich,_ _you're_ _not welcome in this house!"_

_He threw a pink, glittery duffel bag at Mabel, slamming the door in her face._

_"What?!" Mabel shouted. "Dipper, tell him_ _he's_ _being crazy!" Dipper, who was watching the scene from his window, sadly closed the curtains. "DippingSauce?_ _Don't_ _leave me here. Awkward sibling hug?"_

_The house remained quiet. Mabel began to cry,_ _but_ _was determined to not let her_ _family_ _now._

_"Fine!" She screamed, holding_ _back_ _tears. "I can make it on my own! I_ _don't_ _need_ _you! I_ _don't_ _need anyone!_ _I'll_ _make millions and_ _you'll_ _regret the day you kicked me out!"_

_She climbed into her car, speeding off and knocking over some trash cans. Her raw anger slowly turned to fear and sadness, and she began to cry harder._

_"Thanks to one stupid mistake I had no brother, no home, no nothing," Mabel narrated. "But I had a plan to fix it."_

"Oh! This story's so sad!" Stan whined. "I know what you two little broken teacups need: to hug it out!"

"Yeah! Hugs make everything better!" Bella agreed, hugging Stan.

"Yeah! So hug it out!" Stan nodded. "Hug train's comin' in the station. HUGAPOLOOZA! TWO THOUSAND!"

"Stan sweetie, could you cut it out?" Mabel asked. "I'm kinda trying to tell my life story here, remember?"

_Mabel, now a young adult, was searching the beach for something._

_"I decided_ _that_ _I_ _wasn't_ _gonna go home until_ _I_ _became someone," Mabel narrated. "Unfortunately, the mystery-hunting business was uneventful._ _Apparently_ _, anomalies like the ones in Grandpa's home town_ _didn't_ _appear_ _everywhere."_

_Young Mabel saw a billboard advertising_ _the_ _traveling salesman lifestyle._

_"Luckily,_ _I_ _found a better way to make money," Mabel narrated. "In sales!"_

_Young Mabel was in a commercial on TV._

_"_ Hi there! I'm Mabel Pines of Mabel Co. Enterprises," Mabel said. "Are you sick of _this_ always happening to _you_?" A pitcher of punch was thrown at her. "Then you need the Shammy of the future!" She began to wipe herself off, then the commercial skipped to her cleaned off. "Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham Total! It's a total sham. _"_

_"I had made my mark, alright," Mabel narrated. "Unfortunately, so did the Shammies. Apparently the dye_ _I_ _used to color them only made stains_ _worse_ _. Who knew?!"_

_An_ _angry_ _mob approached young Mabel, wielding pitchforks and baseball bats._

_"Customers_ _weren't_ _crazy about that,"_ _Mabel_ _said. "Luckily they were using Mabel Co. brand pitchforks."_

_The pitchforks the mob was using broken. Mabel drove past them in her car._

_"SORRY!" She_ _called_ _to them._

_"I was officially banned from California," Present Mabel said. "But with a quick name change, Marie_ _Pinington_ _was ready to_ _take_ _on Nevada."_

_"_ Hi! I'm Marie Pinington!" Mabel said in another commercial. She tugged on a bandaid on her arm. "Are you sick of bandaids that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip Off!" She held up a box of colorful bandaids. "Available in all colors of the rainbow! The Rip Off won't give you rashes, I repeat: it won't give you rashes. _"_

_"It gave you rashes," Mabel said._

_An angry mob covered in rashes_ _chased_ _young Mabel. A map with a red line appeared._

_"I traveled the entire country, sometimes outside of it, always one step ahead of the law," Mabel said. "I was always looking for the thing that would be by big break."_

"Wow, you got to travel the entire country?" Bella said in amazement. "Lucky!"

"What about you?" Ford asked Dipper. "Did you ever go to your dream school?"

"Or get to become a boy?" Stan asked.

"Stan!" Bella hissed.

"No, it's alright," Dipper said. "The answer is no, to both of those questions."

_Teen Dipper was sitting in the auditorium of a college called 'Backupsmore University.'_

_"Alright, I know Backupsmore wasn't anyone's first choice," the man on stage said. "But what we lack in prestige, we make up for in mostly bug-free dorms! I'm sure your families are proud... more or less."_

_Dipper looked sadly at a picture of him and Mabel, then looked angry._

_"In a place like that,_ _I_ _had to work twice as hard," Dipper narrated. Teen_ _Dipper_ _was in a library, a pile of_ _books_ _in front of him. "Luckily,_ _that's_ _what_ _I_ _do best. I went from undergrad to PhD three years ahead of schedule, wrote a thesis that was nationally ranked, and was awarded an enormous grant for my own scientific research! But what to study." Teen Dipper was sitting thoughtfully in the library. "My whole life I had been interested in the paranormal." Teen Dipper started looking through a book of oddities. "Visiting Grandpa's home town as a kid had then gotten me thinking about anomalies: things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable. And according to my investigations, no where in the world_ _had_ _more of these things than that small lumber town in roadkill country, Oregon: Gravity Falls."_

_\-----_

_A young adult Mabel was sitting in her messy car. She marked an X on a map of_ _the_ _US titled 'STATES_ _I'M_ _BANNED FROM'._

_"Meanwhile, your ol' Aunt Mabel was doing great," Mabel narrated. "I had come up with a sophisticated new business strategy."_

_Young Mabel picked up a lottery ticket and began scratching the circles off with a coin._

_"_ _Let's_ _see... owl... owl... football player with an omelet!?" Young Mabel cried. She yelled and balled up the scratch ticket, throwing it at the window. It bounced back to hit her in the face. She looked up at a picture of her and Dipper in karate class._

_"I was in great shape, living on my own, and the best part was: I didn't need help from anybody," Present_ _Mabel_ _said._

_\-----_

_Young_ _Mabel_ _dialed a number into a payphone, waiting for the person to pick up._

_"_ Hello, this is Dipper Pines _," the voice on the other side_ _said_ _. Mabel quickly hung up, sighing._

_\-----_

_Young Dipper drove into Gravity Falls._

_"I was heading out on my own as well," Present_ _Dipper_ _said. Young Dipper stood in front of the under-construction Mystery Shack. "I set to work using my grant money to investigate the strange properties of this town. But what would I find here?"_

_A giant hand reached out of the forest and grabbed young_ _Dipper's_ _car. Dipper jumped, smiling excitedly and adjusting his pine tree hat._

_"Bingo," Dipper narrated. "_ _I_ _began to investigate at once."_

_\-----_

_Young Dipper set a journal on a table. He set his hat next to it, drawing the pine_ _tree_ _on a sheet of silvery-blue paper. He cut it out, gluing it to the front of the journal and writing a 1 on it._

_"I knew I'd have to record my findings," Present Dipper explained. "I began to keep a journal..."_

Ford screamed in excitement.

"THE JOURNALS!" He screamed. He stopped, noticing that everyone was staring at him. "Sorry, sorry. Just got excited there... about the journals... Keep- keep talking."

"I began to keep a journal," Dipper repeated. Ford screamed again, and Dipper coughed awkwardly. "Just going to ignore that..."

" _There were anomalies everywhere!" Dipper narrated. Young Dipper chased a_ _group_ _of eyeball bats with a net. "And the more I looked, the more I saw."_

_\-----_

_Young Dipper put some eyeball bats in a jar. He began to draw them in his journal._

_\-----_

_In the_ _woods_ _, the Shape Shifter hatched from an egg. It saw_ _Dipper's_ _cup of coffee and changed_ _into_ _it._ _Dipper's_ _eyes widened and he recorded it in his journal._

_\-----_

_Dipper stood on a hill,_ _writing_ _in his journal about the oddly-shaped cliffs of Gravity Falls._

_\-----_

_Young Dipper sat in the woods with a group of fairies. A tiny one- he had learned_ _that_ _the babies were called pixies- was fluttering around his journal as he documented them. An older one sat nearby._

_"Fascinating," Young Dipper said. "What did you say your names were?"_

_"_ _I'm_ _Alexis, and this is my daughter Jill," t_ _he_ _older fairy said._

_\-----_

_Young Dipper wrote in the journal. He closed it and looked at the cover._

_"It was_ _finally_ _a place where_ _I_ _felt at home," Present Dipper said. "But something nagged at me. Where did it all come from? It seemed to me the answer must come from outside of our world, a dimension of weirdness leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand Gravity Falls would be to build a gateway: a portal to the source of its weirdness."_

_Young Dipper slammed his journal on a table. His hand dug into his hair as he began to draw the blueprints for the portal._

_"But_ _I_ _couldn't_ _make it alone," Dipper narrated. "I decided to call my girlfriend, Candy Chiu, over. She was a young, beautiful, and brilliant mechanic. Mabel and I met her when we visited as kids. She was_ _actually_ _living in Gravity Falls, spending her time trying to make ways to improve the human body."_

_\-----_

_A young Candy Chiu sat in her garage, surrounded by machines and devices. At the moment she was working on a hand of fork fingers, when her_ _phone_ _began to ring._

_"Hello?_ _Candy's_ _Bodily Improvements?" Candy_ _answered_ _the phone. "Dipper!_ _How_ _is_ _it going?" She listened to the phone. "_ _You are_ _trying_ _to_ _build a transuniversal polydimensional metavortex? Hm, that just might be possible!"_

_\-----_

_Young Dipper and Candy were working in_ _the_ _portal when the power surged._

_"Many_ _long_ _nights were spent perfecting_ _the_ _machine," Present Dipper said. "It would be a crowning achievement of my studies. An answer to the source of this town's anomalies."_

_In town, Tyler as a child was_ _biking_ _at night while his_ _mom_ _walked beside him. They noticed the strange lights coming from the shack._

_"Git out, git out, git out!"_ _Tyler's_ _mother said._

_\-----_

_Young Dipper and Candy carried a dummy towards the active portal. Candy stepped a_ _little_ _over the_ _yellow_ _line on the floor,_ _but_ _didn't_ _notice._

_"The time had come to test it,"_ _Dipper_ _said._

_"Ready?" Young Dipper_ _asked_ _Candy. "One... two..."_

_They released the_ _dummy_ _, but the rope was snagged around_ _Candy's_ _wrist. She screamed, flying towards_ _the_ _portal._

_"What?! CANDY!" Dipper screamed. He grabbed at the rope, trying to pull her back, but her head was stuck in the portal. "I got ya, honey!" He tugged on the rope, pulling Candy and the dummy back out of the portal. Candy and Dipper both landed on the floor. Dipper gasped, crawling over to Candy. "Candy, are you ok?! What is it? Is it working? What did you see?!"_

_Candy yelled out, her pupils big and dark behind her broken glasses._

_"VOTMZRIG IVSKRX OORY!" She mumbled._

_"Sweetie?" Dipper said nervously._

_"When Gravity Falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye," Candy spoke, slowing sitting up and shutting_ _one_ _eye._

_"Candy? Get a hold of yourself!"_ _Dipper_ _said. "_ _You're_ _not making any sense!"_

_He reached out to take her hand, but she_ _jumped_ _away from him._

_"This machine is dangerous," Candy said. "_ _You will_ _bring the end of the world with this._ _Destroy_ _it_ _before_ _it destroys us all!"_

_"B-but_ _it_ _can't_ _destroy this!" Dipper cried. "_ _It's_ _my_ _life's_ _work!"_

 _"I fear_ _we have_ _released a grave danger on this world," Candy spoke sad.y, "One_ _I would_ _like to forget." She got up, walking away. "Dipper Pines,_ _we're_ through!"

_"Ok, fine!" Dipper shouted. "You know what?!_ _I'll_ _do it on my own!"_

_Young_ _Dipper began to pace around_ _the_ _room,_ _chewing_ _on his shirt._

_"I was in over my head, and feared I was losing my sanity," Present Dipper said. "I needed help. Someone I could trust."_

_\-----_

_Young_ _Mabel_ _was_ _in_ _her apartment. There was a knock at the door, and she_ _grabbed_ _a baseball bat._

_"Just give me a few more days, Rico!" She yelled. "I'll pay your goons back, I swear!"_

_A Gravity Falls  postcard fell_ _through_ _her mail slot._ _She_ _got up to look out the peephole and saw the mailman leaving. She looked at the postcard, flipping it over to read its message. The words 'PLEASE COME! -DIPPER' were written._

_\-----_

_Young Mabel approached the shack, her hood protecting her from the harsh snowy wind. She walked up to the door._

_"_ _You_ _haven't_ _seen your brother in_ _over_ _ten years," Mabel said to herself. "_ _It's_ _ok._ _He's_ _family. He_ _won't_ _bite."_

_She knocked on the door. Dipper answered, aiming a crossbow at his sister._

_"Who is it?!" He yelled. "Have you come to_ _steal_ _my eyes?!"_

_Mabel stood in shock._

_"Dipper, what are you-?" She began._

_"Mabel, did anyone follow you?" Dipper interrupted, putting the crossbow down. "Anyone at all?"_

_"Uh, no? I_ _don't_ _think so..." Mabel said. Dipper tugged her inside, closing the door. "HEY!"_

_Dipper shone a small flashlight into_ _Mabel's_ _eyes, making her pupils shrink. She yelled, shoving him away._

_"What the heck?!" She asked angrily. Dipper backed away._

_"Sorry,_ _I_ _just had to make sure you weren't... nevermind,"_ _Dipper_ _shook his head. "_ _It's_ _nothing. Come in, come in."_

_"So, are you gonna explain_ _what's_ _going on here?" Mabel asked, following Dipper into the house. "_ _You're_ _acting_ _like_ _Mom after a tenth cup of coffee."_

_Dipper held_ _up_ _the first journal._

_"Listen, there isn't must time," he said. "I've made_ huge _mistakes, and I don't know who I can trust anymore."_

_He turned the head of a skeleton away._

_"Woah, hey, calm down, ok?" Mabel tried to sooth him. "_ _Let's_ _just talk_ _this_ _through."_

_"I have something to show you," Dipper said. "Something you_ _won't_ _believe!"_

_"Dipstick,_ _I_ _lived_ _with_ _you for 17 years," Mabel scoffed. "_ _Whatever_ _it is,_ _I'll_ _understand."_

_\-----_

_Dipper and Mabel stood in front of the portal._

_"There is_ nothing _about this_ _I_ _understand!" Mabel said._

_"It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension," Dipper began to explain. "I built it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explain how to operate it. There's only one journal left. And you are the only person I can trust to take it." He handed Mabel the journal. "I have something to ask you. Do you remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat?" Mabel_ _smiled_ _with excitement. "Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can!" The smile slid from_ _Mabel's_ _face. "To the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it!"_

_Dipper turned to_ _face_ _the portal,_ _crossing_ _his arms in front of his chest._ _Mabel_ _wanted_ _to cry, but kept her face angry._

_"_ _That's_ _IT?!" Mabel shouted. "You finally wanna see me after_ _ten_ _years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?!"_

_"Mabel, you_ _don't_ _understand what_ _I'm_ _up against!" Dipper cried. "What_ _I've_ __been__ _through!"_

 _"No, no,_ _you_ _don't_ _understand what_ I've _been through!" Mabel screamed. She started stalking towards Dipper. "_ _I've_ _been to prison in three different countries! I once had to_ _chew_ _my way out of the trunk of a car! You think_ you've _got problems? I_ _haven't_ _touched_ _glitter_ _in_ months, _Dipper! Meanwhile, where have you been?!_ _Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself!"_

 _"_ _I'm_ _selfish?" Dipper muttered. "_ I'm selfish, _Mabel? How could you say that after COSTING ME MY DREAM SCHOOL?!_ _I'm_ _giving you a chance do to the first_ useful _thing in your life, and you_ _won't_ _even listen to me!"_

_"Well listen to this!" Mabel snapped. "You want me to get rid_ _of_ _this book?! Fine!_ _I'll_ _get ride of it right now!"_

_She pulled out and turned on a lighter._

_"No!" Dipper cried, grabbing at the journal. "You_ _don't_ _understand!"_

_"You said you wanted me to have it, so_ _I'll_ _do what_ _I_ _want with it!"_ _Mabel_ _grunted, tugging the journal back. She held the lighter under the book._

_"My research!" Dipper yelled. He tackled Mabel and she dropped the journal. He ran for the book, but Mabel tripped him and ran after it instead. "Mabel, give it back!"_

_He shoved her onto a_ _panel_ _of buttons._

_"If you want it back,_ _you're_ _gonna have to try harder than that!" Mabel shouted. Neither twin noticed, but the portal had turned on. Mabel_ _tried_ _to tug the journal away from Dipper. "You_ _left_ _me, you big jerk!_ _It_ _was_ _supposed_ _to be us forever; you ruined my life!"_

_"You ruined your own life!" Dipper yelled. He kicked Mabel into_ _the_ _side of_ _the_ _control_ _panel_ _, branding her tattoo onto her shoulder. Mabel screeched in pain and fell to the floor. "Mabel!_ _Oh_ _no oh no! Mabel,_ _I'm_ _so sorry! Are you o-"_

_Mabel_ _jumped_ _up and punched Dipper. The man stumbled backwards and_ _tripped_ _over_ _the lever, activating the portal. Mabel_ _slowly_ _walked towards him, huffing and holding_ _the_ _journal._

 _"Some brother_ you _turned out to be," she growled. "_ _You_ _care more about your stupid mysteries than your family? Then YOU CAN_ _HAVE_ _THEM!"_

 _She shoved the journal into_ _Dipper's_ _chest_ _,_ _shoving_ _him back_ _into_ _the portal light. Dipper began to float, getting sucked into the portal._

_Mabel began to worry._

_"Woah woah, hey, w-what's going on?" Mabel panicked. "D-Dipper!"_

_"Mabel!" Dipper cried. "Mabel, help me!"_

_"Oh no! What do_ _I_ _do?!" Mabel asked fearfully._

_"Mabel! Mabel, do something!" Dipper screamed. "MABEEEEEEL!"_

_He threw the first journal at Mabel just_ _before_ _he disappeared_ _into_ _the portal. A flash of white filled the room. When it faded, Mabel was laying on the floor. She watched_ _Dipper's_ _hat- his favorite pine tree hat- fall to the floor._

_"D-Dipstick?" Mabel called softly, beginning to cry. She got up, running to the portal. "Dipper, come_ _back_ _! I-I_ _DIDN'T_ _MEAN IT!"_

_She pounded on the side_ _of_ _the portal, but it only shut off. Mabel ran to the lever and_ _switched_ _it back and forth, but nothing happened._

_"I just got him back!" She sobbed. "I_ _can't_ _lose him again! Come on! DIPPER!"_

_Her voice echoed around the lonely room._

_"_ _I'd_ _lost him,"_ _Present_ _Mabel said. "_ _I'd_ _didn't_ _know if he was dead or alive or in some distant galaxy. But_ _I_ _knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back."_

 _Young Mabel flipped through the journal_. _She flipped to the last page, which read 'Continued in Journal #2.'_

_\-----_

_That night, Mabel was laying on the couch with Journal 1_ _and_ _Dipper's_ _hat._

_"I_ _didn't_ _get much sleep that night,"_ _Mabel_ _narrated. Young_ _Mabel_ _looked at_ _Dipper's_ _hat and sighed sadly. "Or any_ _other_ _night."_

_\-----_

_Young Mabel was working on the lever with a screwdriver._

_"I tried for weeks to turn that portal back on," Present Mabel said. "But_ _without_ _the other_ _two_ _journals..." Young Mabel flipped the lever. The portal emitted a few sparks and then died, "...it was hopeless."_

_\-----_

_Young Mabel was walking down the street._

_"Eventually_ _I_ _ran_ _out of food,"_ _Mabel_ _said_ _. Young Mabel pulled her hood over her head when people_ _looked_ _at her. "I had no choice but to go into town."_

_She_ _entered the Dusk 2 Dawn and placed a loaf of bread on the counter._

_"Just the_ _bread_ _then there, stranger?" Ma asked kindly. "_ _That'll_ _be 99 cents."_

_Mabel_ _looked_ _in her pockets and pulled out some junk._

_"Hey,_ _that's_ _no stranger," a younger_ _Grenda_ _, with a more feminine voice, spoke. "_ _That's_ _Mabel! Girl,_ _it's_ _been forever since_ _I_ _last saw you!_ _What's_ _up with your brother in that shack?"_

_A crowd began to gather around Mabel. She_ _mumbled_ _some excuse, pulling her hood down tighter._

_"_ _I've_ _heard strange_ _stories_ _about that shack," Thompson Determined said._

_"Yeah!" Nate Holt_ _agreed._ _"_ _Mysterious_ _lights and_ _spooky_ _experiments!"_

_"Gosh, I'd pay anything to see what kind of shenanigans your brother gets up to in there," Pa smiled,_ _putting_ _an arm around Ma._

_"Oh, me too!" Grenda agreed. "Does he every give tours?"_

_"Well, not usually..." Mabel said. She glanced down at the items in her hands. She closed her hand before perking up. "But_ _you're_ _in luck! He left his house to me, and_ I do _give tours! Ten- no- fifteen dollars a person!"_

_The crowd stared for a moment before cheering loudly and waving wads of money around._

_"Well come on, Mabel!" Grenda smiled. "We have a lot of catching up to do afterwards!"_

_\-----_

_Mabel led a_ _group_ _of people_ _through_ _the shack._

_"Step right up, folks," she announced. "Uh, to a world of... enchantment, or whatever." She picked up a_ _box_ _with a dial and two antennae on it. "Behold, the um, nerdy_ _science_ _box."_

_She set it on the table. Grenda leaned down_ _to_ _look at it and it shocked her_ _throat_ _. She yelled, her voice now deep._

_"Hey! My voice!" She cried._

_"Uh,_ _I_ _can assure you, that is in no way permanent!" Mabel said nervously._

_"I_ _paid_ _fifteen dollars for this?!" Grenda yelled. The crowd began to_ _mutter and_ _complain._

_"Uh..." Mabel grabbed_ _the_ _skeleton and some clothes. "You're lucky you weren't part of the last tour group, um," she showed them the skeleton, which she dressed up in a tropical shirt and silly sunglasses, "they never made it out aliiiivve! Heheh. Right?"_

_The group laughed and Mabel sighed, relieved._

_Young Mabel spent time making attractions, putting up_ _signs_ _, and_ _selling_ _merchandise._

_"_ _So_ _I_ _came_ _up_ _with_ _a plan," Mabel narrated. "I_ _couldn't_ _leave_ _my_ _brother's house_ _until_ _I_ _figured out how to save him, but_ _I_ _needed to pay his mortgage somehow. For once in my life, people were actually buying what_ _I_ _was selling. And so the Mystery Shack was born! Named after- well, you can probably guess. Finally_ _I_ _found something_ _I_ _was good at. My creativity and imagination paid off. I had to fake_ _Dipper's_ _death in a car crash so no one was suspicious. By day_ _I_ _was_ _Mabel Pines: Ms. Mystery!"_

_Mabel waved goodbye to a tour group. She_ _turned_ _back to the basement and went to work on the portal._

_"But by night_ _I_ _was down in the basement, trying to bring Dipper back,"_ _Mabel_ _said._

"I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth and sabotaging my mission," Mabel said. "So I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids."

"So all this time, ya were only tryin'a save yer brother," Fiddleford said.

"Graunty Mabel, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you," Ford said.

"It's alright, kiddo," Mabel chuckled. "I probably wouldn't have believed me either."

"I heard talking!" An agent yelled from upstairs. "It was coming from downstairs!"

"Oh no, it's too late!" Mabel cried. "The agents are coming for us!"

"What do we do?!" Bella panicked.

"Aw man! I was so spellbound by your amazing tale that I forgot all about those dudes!" Ria said.

"Wait, forget!" Ford realized. "That's it! I think I know a way that we can defeat those agents!"

He pulled out a memory erasing gun, walking it over to Dipper.

"Of course!" Dipper took the memory gun. "I don't know how you got one of these, but this is perfect! If I can just amplify the signal to a radio headset frequency..." He plugged some wires into the gun and looked through the security camera to see the agents running into the shack. "There. Now everyone PLUG YOUR EARS! GET DOWN! NOW!"

Everyone did as he said.

\-----

Powers and Trigger were standing in front of the shack.

"Sir!" Trigger said. "Looks like there's a hidden door behind the vending machine!"

"Excellent!" Powers smiled. "Get me Washington on Line 1! I've been practicing sounds of excitement for this very occasion." A high-pitched humming began. "Hey, do you hear that?"

A sound wave pulsed through the shack and yard. The agents yelled in pain, and one agent accidentally closed the vending machine door.

"What?" Powers said after it stopped. "Where am I? Why am I standing in front of some sort of goofy fun knick-knack house?"

"Stand down, gentlemen!" Dipper ordered, walking out side. "I've been sent with the latest intel from Washington." He looked through some of Stan's drawings. "According to this very real report, the power surges in Gravity Falls were actually due to radiation from an unreported meteor shower. A total embarrassment for your whole department. Luckily I'm here to take this mess off your hands. But I'll need of all your... floppy disks, and, uh, 8-tracks... right?"

"Uh... everything about this case is contained on this drive," Powers said. Trigger handed Dipper a flash drive labeled 'PINES'. Dipper tucked it into his coat pocket.

"Well what are you waiting for, a kiss on the cheek?" He asked. "Get out of here before I have your butts court-martialed!"

"Uh, yes sir. Apologies, sir," Powers said. He whistled loudly, circling his fingers in the air. "False alarm, everyone!"

He walked back to the car, tripping on his way. The government agents all left. Dipper handed the flash drive to Gompers, who ate it and trotted over to Stan and Bella, who were running out with Ford and Fiddleford.

"Great Uncle Dipper, that was amazing!" Stan exclaimed.

"Let's not go crazy," Mabel rolled her eyes, walking out with Ria. "It was serviceable."

"Thank you, kids," Dipper chuckled.

"Sure!" Ford laughed nervously. "So, uh." He held up a pen and notepad, and began to click the pen excitedly. "Would you mind if I ask you a couple hundred questions about Gravity Falls?"

"Um, well, I-" Dipper began.

"Alright kids, it's been a long day, and me and my brother have some catching up to do," Mabel said. "So why don't you go hit the hay?"

"But- but it's the author!" Ford cried, pointing at Dipper and clicking his pen. "I've been waiting so long to ask questions about-"

"I _said_ ," Mabel grabbed the twins by their heads, shoving them towards the door, " _hit_ the _hay_."

The older twins looked at Ria, Bella, and Fiddleford.

"I'll just... let myself out," Ria said, scooting away.

"Yeah yeah, us too," Bella nodded. Ria ran off one way and Bella and Fiddleford ran the other. Ria dialed on her phone.

"Dan, I've got something amazing to tell you," she said. "Clear the next fourteen hours!"

"Fidds, prepare the social media!" Bella squealed. "I have such a story to tell!"

\-----

That night, Dipper and Mabel stood side-by-side, looking at themselves in the mirror.

"Look at us," Mabel sighed. "When did we become so old?"

"You look like mom," Dipper chuckled.

"Ah! Oh! Don't say that!" Mabel laughed. The two laughed, and Dipper sighed.

"Ok Mabel, here's the deal," he said. "You can stay here the rest of the summer to watch the kids. I'll stay down in the basement and try to contain any remaining damage. But when the summer's over, you give me my house back, you give me my _life_ back, and this Mystery Shack stuff is over forever. Got it?"

He turned to looked at an upset Mabel.

"You really aren't gonna thank me, are you?" Mabel asked. She paused. "Fine. On one condition. You stay away from the kids; I don't want them in any danger. Because as far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I have left."

She walked upstairs, leaving Dipper alone.

\-----

Stan and Ford were in their room. Stan was listening at the door.

"Did you hear what they said?" He asked. "I think Grunkle Dipper said they're gonna buy us puppies made of ice cream. Might be wishful thinking, though."

"I don't know if this is good or bad," Ford sighed. "I mean, I wanted to meet the author, but..."

Stan walked over and sat on his bed.

"Yeah, I know," he agreed. "I liked the way things were before. Just us and Mabel and the occasional goblin-monster."

"Eh, I'm sure they'll work it out," Ford said.

"Ford, you don't think we'll end up like Dipper and Mabel, do you?" Stan asked nervously.

"What do you mean?" Ford asked. Stan laid down on his bed.

"I mean, they used to be best friends, but then they got all _stupid_ ," Stan grimaced. "Can you promise me _you_ won't get stupid?"

"Not stupider than you, dum-dum," Ford chuckled. Stan laughed.

"Good night, stupid," he smiled.

"Good night, stupid," Ford smiled back. He turned off the light and closed his eyes. Stan looked up at the ceiling worriedly.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Bella and Fiddleford were up late. Fiddleford was typing up on a computer while Bella retold the story.

"So then it turns out that Mabel actually had a brother, but it wasn't the brother that _we_ knew of, which was Tyrone, but it was actually Dipper, her trans twin brother, who we didn't know about until he came out of the portal-" Bella spoke.

"Bella, yer out of space on the caption," Fiddleford said, sounding tired.

"Just make another post," Bella said. "Ok ok, part two..."

Fiddleford groaned, laying back on the bed.


	13. Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper and Ford bond through board games and witchcraft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't begin to tell you how much will power it took to not put 'deez nuts' instead of 'Your butt!'

A sign reading 'Temporary CLOSED For Repair' hung on the door of the Mystery Shack. Inside, Mabel and the kids were hanging out. Stan laid on the floor, an empty bag of Cheese Boodles on his chest.

"I just ate a whole bag of Cheese Boodles without using my hands," Stan smiled lazily.

"Really?" Bella said, looking up from her book. "Because I see cheese dust on your fingers."

"Whatever," Stan said. "Point is, Lazy Tuesday is delivering in a _big_ way!"

"Yeah, it's nice to finally have a day where nothing interesting happens whatsoev-" Mabel was cut off by the vending machine door bursting open. Dipper stood in the doorway, fighting a small tentacled monster. The kids screamed.

"Everyone, get down!" Dipper ordered. "Don't let it taste human flesh!"

Dipper punched the monster, making it drop to the floor and scurry around the room. Fiddleford and Bella jumped onto the counter to avoid it. Dipper chased it around.

"What is it?!" Ford cried.

"Can we keep it?" Mabel asked.

"Kill it! Kill it!" Stan screamed, grabbing Mabel's newspaper and hitting the monster with it. Dipper chased the creature into a corner.

"Easy... and..." Dipper waited. When the monster's one eye turned into a mouth, he reached out and shocked it using his gloves. "Gotcha!" 

The monster screeched and became quiet. Dipper held up its burnt body, smiling proudly.

"Great, now get it out of here," Mabel grimaced, pinching her nose. "It smells like if death could barf."

Dipper went to walk back into the basement when Ford ran up to him, holding up the second journal.

"Great Uncle Dipper! Do you need any help with that?" Ford volunteered. "I've read about these creatures in your journal, and I think I know how to-"

"No!" Dipper interrupted him. "I'm sorry, Ford, but I'm afraid you cannot follow me on the dark, weird road I travel." Ford frowned, looking at Dipper in disappointment. "Well, call me for dinner!"

Dipper disappeared back into the basement, leaving Mabel and the kids in the gift shop. 

"Maybe next time, then?" Ford called. "Or not? Or never..."

"Aw Ford, don' take it too hard," Fiddleford said. Mabel hit Ford lightly on the head with her newspaper.

"No, _do_ take it hard," she told him. "Take it hard and serious. My brother is a dangerous know-it-all, and the stuff he's messing with is even worse. Do yourself a favor and stay away from him, ok?"

"But Graunty Mabel, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was," Ford said. "Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him!"

"Don't worry about what's in the basement," Mabel waved it off. "You belong up here with me, Stan, Fidds and Bella."

"Yeah!" Stan agreed. "Besides, the season finale of _Ducktective_ is airing this Friday!"

"That's all the mystery you'll need _this_ week," Bella said.

"Come on, quack with us Ford!" Stan said. He started quacking, and the others joined in. Ford turned to look at the light flashing from behind the vending machine. "Quaaaaaa... why isn't he quacking?"

\-----

Stan was in the living room, writing a letter using a sparkly pink pen.

" _Dear Ma and Pa, we've been in Gravity Falls for a few months and so much has happened!"_ Stan spoke as he wrote. " _Just yesterday gravity reversed itself, almost destroying the universe and_ totally _wrecking the whole town!_ "

He looked up at the TV. Growling Grenda stood in front of an upside-down _Greasy's Diner._ A crane was trying to pick it up.

 _"Well they say it was an earthquake, but you know what_ _I_ _think?" Grenda asked. "I think_ _I'm_ _gonna have to start_ _serving_ _pineapple_ right-side-up _cake! Am_ _I_ _right?" She looked thoughtful. "_ Am _I_ _right?"_

_The camera switched to_ _Mayor_ _Befufflefumpter on stage._

_"Let the rebuilding of the town begin!" He announced. "Wrecking ball, start wrecking things!"_

_The wrecking ball swung at the radio antenna, making the TV turn to static._

Stan looked back at his letter and the sparkly pink ink, thinking of what to write.

" _Oh! I also got a girlfriend! Ain't that cool, Pa?"_ Stan added. " _And_ _I've_ _been_ _trying to hook_ _Ford_ _up with this g̶u̶y̶ girl that likes him. But the coolest part of the summer was when Graunty Mabel's unidentical twin brother came out of this portal-thingy. Now we have a graunty_ and _a grunkle! And they are adorable together!"_

He set down the pen, taking the picture of Mabel and Dipper holding hands he had drawn on the letter and folded the paper together.

" _We love each other so much_!" Stan said and made kissing noises. Ford ran into the room, holding a box.

"Hey Lee! You wanna play some DD and More D?" Ford asked, holding out the box.

"Sixer, you know I don't like your nerd games," Stan said. "Just get Bella and Fidds to play with you."

"They both said they're busy," Ford huffed. "Come on, Stan! The rules are simple." He pulled out the rule book. "First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. But first we make a graph."

"Forrrrrd!" Stan groaned, rolling onto his back. "This is literally like _Homework: The Game!_ "

"Come on, Stan!" Ford begged. "I need at least two people to play."

Ria entered the room.

"Oh look! Two people!" Stan said. He backed away, taking his letter with him.

"Hey Ria," Ford greeted. "You wanna play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"

"Uh, sorry Ford," Ria said. "I don't go for that pen-and-paper kind of stuff. I'm more of an FCLORPer."

"A wha-?" Ford asked.

"FCLORP," Ria showed off her wristband, with said 'FCLORP' on it. "Foam and Cardboard Legitimate Outdoor Role Play. It is where a passionate brethren of craftsman bring their dreams to magical reality."

_Ria, Thompson Determined, Sheriff Holt, and Deputy Roy were in the yard, dressed in cardboard costumes._

_"_ _Let yon priestess go, elf-mage!" Ria exclaimed._

_"Never, Paladin Radmaster!" Thompson yelled. He threw toy balls at Ria. "Fireball! Fireball!"_

_"_ _I'm_ _a fortress!"_ _Roy_ _laughed._

"Well thanks anyway, Ria," Ford sighed. Mabel walked into the room, looking at the game on the floor.

"Hey! Is this that game that's mostly math and writing and isn't anything like the picture on the box?" Mabel asked, picking up the rule book.

"Yes! It is!" Ford said excitedly. "You wanna play with me, Graunty Mabel?"

"Heh, sorry kid," Mabel chuckled. "But it's just not my kind of game. Besides, only a game designed by nerds would have 'charisma' as a fantasy power."

She walked over to where Stan was sitting at the table, looking through the rule book.

"Oh yeah! Look at this one, Graunty Mabel!" Stan laughed and flipped to a page in the book. " _When facing yon adversaries, shield thyself, under an elfin buttress._ "

"Haha, say it again!" Mabel snickered.

"Buttress," Stan repeated. The two of them laughed.

"Hey!" Ford cried, snatching the book back. "Well laugh all you want. You guys just aren't smart enough to understand it."

"Sorry dude, but it is kinda nerdy," Ria chuckled. "Well, I'm off to lay siege to a goblin fortress." She pulled on a cardboard helmet and held up a cardboard sword. "To my grandpa's backYARD!"

She ran out of the room. Ford sighed sadly.

\-----

Ford was sitting in the yard next to the house, 'playing' the game with Gompers. The 38-sided die landed on the board.

"Nice! You rolled a 17!" Ford smiled. Gompers bleated. "Aaaaand this is sad. Maybe I should start obsessing over Dan again."

Gompers bleated again, taking the die in his mouth.

"Hey!" Ford cried, trying to tug the die back. "Give it back! Come on, Gompers, let go!"

Gompers did let go, causing Ford to fall backwards, dropping the die. It rolled under the porch through a hole.

"Aw man, my 38-sided die!" Ford groaned.

He crawled under the porch to grab it, but the ground fell out from underneath him. He screamed as he fell into the basement. He knocked over a table, breaking the glass jar holding the monster from before. He picked up his die, which was next to the creature.

"Ford! Stop!"

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford jumped, spinning around to see his grunkle.

"What did I say about coming down here?" Dipper scolded. "My work is far too dangerous for a single living soul to spend even one second i- wait!" He noticed what Ford was holding. "Is that a 38-sided die from Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?!"

"Y-yeah!" Ford nodded. "You know that game?"

" _With pen and paper, shield and sword..._ " Dipper began.

" _Our quest shall be our sweet reward!_ " Ford finished with him. The two laughed.

"This is my favorite game in the whole multi-verse!" Dipper said, looking at the rule book. "I can't believe they still make it!"

"They do!" Ford nodded. "And I've been looking for someone all day to play with me! Both of my friends are busy..."

"My boy, do you know what this means?" Dipper asked, kneeling down and putting an arm on Ford's shoulder. "We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!"

He smiled widely. The monster jumped onto the side of his face. Dipper tore it off, the smile never leaving his face. When the creature was removed, pink blisters were revealed and his hair was messed up.

"That's... going to leave a mark," Dipper said.

\-----

Stan and Mabel were in the kitchen.

"Ok, we've got everything we need to watch the season finale of Ducktective tomorrow," Stan said. He held up a box full of food with a ramp attached. "I even made mouth-ramps so we can pour food into our mouths without looking away from the screen!"

He poured some food into his mouth. Mabel was stapling a duck head to a beaver body.

"And I recreated the main character out of some spare taxidermy parts," she said. She changed her voice to imitate Ducktective. " _Quack quack. I'm the duck detective! Who stole my breadloaf?_ "

"That is so messed up!" Stan laughed. "Ford would _love_ that!"

"Heh. Yeah," Mabel chuckled. "Where is the little gremlin anyway? I haven't seen him all afternoon."

\-----

Ford and Dipper were in the basement, DD&MD spread out on the floor. Ford was moving the die between his fingers.

"Alright. You've entered the chamber," Dipper said. "Prince Unattainabeue beckons you. But wait! IT'S A TRAP!" Ford gasped. "An allusion cast by Probabilitor the Annoying!"

"You know his weakness, right?" Ford asked.

"Prime-statistical anomalies over 37 but not exceeding 51!" Ford and Dipper said together. They both rolled their dice.

"Yes! Uh!" Ford cheered, jumping to his feet. "In your face, you cardboard wizard!"

"Hm, the old boy looks a little different from back in my day," Dipper mused, looking at a picture of Probabilitor.

"Hm, yeah," Ford nodded. "They change the art every few years. Thankfully you missed the period when the creators of the game tried to make it 'cooler'." He shuddered, remembering the commercial. "Must have been dark times, those 90's."

"Yeesh. Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions," Dipper said.

"Great Uncle Dipper, I've been meaning to ask you," Ford looked at him. "Where were you before you came out of that portal? And what have you been doing down here? Are you working on something behind that curtain?"

"Ford, it's best if you and the others stay away from that topic," Dipper sighed. "Honestly, I'm not sure if any of you could handle the real answer."

"But- but I can handle it-" Ford began.

"Ah-ah!" Dipper cut him off. "But I can show you something I brought back with me." He picked up a small bag, dumping its contents onto the floor. He opened a small, black box. "Behold. An infinity-sided die."

"Woah!" Ford breathed. "That's so cool! And... impossible!"

"These things are outlawed in 9,000 dimensions," Dipper explained. "You wanna know why? Look at those symbols. Infinite sides means infinite outcomes. If I rolled it, anything could happen. Our faces could melt into jelly. The world could turn into an egg. Or you could just roll an eight. Who knows. That's why I have to keep it in this protective cheap plastic case." He closed the box, setting it down besides him. "Now, back to the game! You've got Probabilitor on the ropes."

\-----

That night, Stan and Ford were in their room in the attic. Stan was trying to sleep, while Ford was writing and scribbling on graph paper on the floor.

"Ok ok, and then, if I add a dragon here, and then a plus three fire mode-" Ford mumbled.

"Ford, are you gonna go to sleep?" Stan asked sleepily, rolling over to face his twin. "You've been saying nerd words for hours."

"Sorry, Lee," Ford said. "I have to finish this dungeon. It's totally going to stump Great Uncle Dipper tomorrow. I can't wait to see the look on his face!"

"You're uh, you're spending a lot of time with ol' Dippy lately, huh?" Stan asked nervously.

"You have no idea," Ford chuckled. "I knew the author must be cool, but he's better than I imagined. And he doesn't make fun of me all the time, like you and Graunty Mabel do."

"Just give 'im time!" Stan laughed. "Heyooo!" He paused, noticing that Ford seemed to be ignoring him. "Nah, you got me." He laid down, facing the wall. "You got me...'

\-----

The next day, Mabel and Bella stood at the front door. Mabel was wearing a Ducktective sweater.

"Glad to see you coming over to watch tonight's Ducktective finale, Bella," Mabel smiled.

"Of course, Ms. Pines!" Bella beamed. "I'm a total fanbi!"

Mabel saw Stan walk downstairs wearing a suit.

"Hey-hey, look at you!" Mabel said. "Someone's all dressed up."

"It's a big night," Stan said before becoming solemn. "I think we all remember where we were, when we learned Ducktective was shot."

The three stood sadly for a second before hearing a bell go off. Mabel gasped.

"Viewing positions, everyone!" She said. The three of them rushed into the living room, but stopped and gasped upon seeing the room. Dipper and Ford were playing DD&MD, papers laid out and taped all over the room.

"Ah! Graph paper!" Stan yelled, stomping on the paper. "Kill it! Kill it!"

"Dipper, could you maybe move this to another room?" Mabel asked.

"No dice, Graunty Mabel!" Ford answered. "We ran out of room in the basement and we're going for a world record! Now, dice!" He rolled the dice. "32, yes! 7,000 points damage!"

"Aw, you got me!" Dipper laughed. Stan and Mabel groaned while Bella just huffed.

"Oh, why, why with this?" Mabel asked. "You wanna break a record, Dipper? You've already got it for world's nerdiest old man."

"Yeah, and world's nerdiest 13-year-old!" Stan added, looking over at Ford.

"Hey, at least we're not all keyed up to watch a kid's show," Dipper glared at Mabel.

"I'll have you know that Ducktective has a big mystery element!" Mabel defended. "And a lot of humor that goes over kids' heads!"

"It doesn't go over my head," Bella smiled.

"I don't get a lot of it, but I like animals in human situations," Stan said. He looked at the clock. "Oh no. Graunty Mabel, it starts in a few minutes!"

Mabel moved to take the paper off of the TV. Dipper grabbed her wrist.

"Move that and pay the price," he growled.

"Oh, what, fifty magical dwarf dollars?" Mabel teased.

"Don't mock our fantastic monetary system!" Dipper snapped.

"I'll mock all I want!" Mabel yelled. "It's my TV room!"

"It's _my_ house, you-!" Dipper sighed, rubbing at underneath his glasses. "Listen, Mabel, did it ever occur to you to if you joined us you might actually have fun?"

"What? Now you listen to me!" Mabel snapped, snatching Dipper's bag. "As long as I live, I will never..."

"Graunty Mabel, wait!" Ford cried.

"Ever..." Mabel held up the bag.

"Mabel!" Dipper yelled fearfully.

"Play your smartypants nerd game!" Mabel finished, throwing the bag to the floor. The infinity die rolled out.

"No!" Dipper cried. Suddenly, four DD&MD characters appeared in the living room.

"Mortals of dimension 64,/!" Probabilitor announced. "Kneel before me and," he rolled some dice, looking at the results, "snivel! I am Probabilitor! The greatest wizard in all of mathology! Give or take an error of 0.4."

"Uh, is this normal?" Mabel asked.

"Have you come to send us on the quest of a lifetime because we're the smartest players you've ever met?" Ford asked with a nervous smile.

"You _are_ the smartest players I've ever met!" Probabilitor agreed. "That's why I'm going to eat your brains to gain your intelligence. It's what I do."

"It's his thing," the ogre grunted.

"I don't think that's how it works," Bella said.

"What?!" Ford exclaimed.

"Seize them!" Probabilitor ordered. Dipper glared at the character, pulling out and spinning a gun until it pointed at Probabilitor.

"Your math is no match for my gun, you idiot!" Dipper yelled.

"Math ray!" Probabilitor exclaimed. He shot a hole through the wall using his staff. "I'm not here to play games!"  The ogre grabbed Dipper around the middle and Ford from behind the recliner. Probabilitor flew out on a math ray, followed by the other characters. "Now to the forest, for the ultimate game!"

Mabel, Stan, and Bella watched the characters leave.

"They took the nerds!" Bella cried.

"Oh no! That crazy wizard is gonna eat our brothers' brains!" Stan worried. "We have to stop them!"

"Eh, maybe let them get a couple bites in Dipper's brain first," Mabel said, looking at her watch. "Even things out smartness-wise."

"They're gonna die!" Bella yelled angrily.

"Alright, alright," Mabel said. "I guess if we have no other choice, we'll go on a..." she sighed, "epic wizard quest." Stan and Bella cheered. "Everyone grab a weapon."

Mabel pulled a baseball bat out of the couch cushions, Stan grabbed a rake, and Bella returned with a frying pan and a Minecraft diamond helmet.

"We're coming for you, Ford!" Stan shouted. "And Great Uncle Dipper!"

The group ran off into the forest.

\-----

Meanwhile, Probabilitor was tying Dipper and Ford to a tree. Probabilitor laughed evilly, measuring Dipper and Ford's heads.

"With each brain I eat, I shall increase my enchantelligence," the wizard explained.

"If my hands were free, I'd break every part of your face," Dipper growled.

"The time has come!" Probabilitor said. "Hot elf! Ready the brain-cooking pot!"

Said elf sighed.

"Yes, Probabilitor," he said. He shook his hood off and waved his hair. He shot a flaming arrow at the wood underneath the pot.

\-----

Mabel, Stan, and Bella were walking through the woods. Mabel waved something away from her back.

"We must be getting close," she said. "These pixie bites are getting more frequent."

The pixie she had just waved away flitted around Bella's head, playfully nipping at her skin. Suddenly, a giant ogre stepped in front of them, blocking the path.

"Halt!" It ordered. "Yon interlopers are trespassing on the ancient forest of Probabilitor the wizard! If ye wish to pass, first, ye must complete seven unworldly quest, each, more difficult than the-"

The ogre was knocked out by a frying pan to the head. Bella stood on a raised patch of land next to it, looking down at the monster.

"I murdered it," she said proudly.

"Wow, where'd you learn to do that?" Stan asked in amazement.

"I'm an anti-social lazy shut in," Bella began, hopping down from the ledge. "Obviously video games."

\-----

Probabilitor watched as the pot slowly heated up.

"What do we do? What do we do?" Ford panicked.

"Stop thinking, Ford!" Dipper instructed. "The more wrinkly your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it!"

"And now, a little math problem," Probabilitor cackled. "When I subtract your brain from your skulls," he hit Dipper and Ford's heads with his staff, "add salt, and divide your family, what's the remainder?"

"YOUR BUTT!" Stan shouted.

"What?! My butt isn't part of this particular equation!" Probabilitor said. He turned around to see Stan, Mabel, and Bella jumped out of the bushes, brandishing their weapons. "Drat! How did you make it past my _one_ guard?! Very well. There's only one way your family can save you." He turned to Mabel, Stan, and Bella. "YOU must defeat ME in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons: REAL LIFE EDITION!" He waved his staff, creating a game board and shrinking his ogres down. "Hahaha-hahaha!"

"What?! Oh, come on!" Stan complained.

"I choose my characters..." Probabilitor looked at his ogres on the board, "vs..." Dipper and Ford appear as elf characters in his hand, "yours."

"Ah! My ears!" Ford exclaimed, feeling his ears. "They're so pointy!"

"Ah! My binder is missing!" Dipper worried, looking down at his chest.

"Seriously, can't we just, like, arm wrestle or something?" Stan asked. Him, Mabel, and Bella sat cross-legged, floating in front of the board.

"Aw, come on, this game is a lot of fun," Probabilitor assured. "I had my mom pack me a lunch." He held up a brown bag. He pulled out a baggie of apple slices. "Ew, apple slices? I'll eat you last."

"Ooh, can I have them?" Bella asked.

"Sure," Probabilitor shrugged, tossing her the snack.

"Just make with the rules, ugly," Mable rolled her eyes and began to chew a stick of gum.

"The game is a battle royale," Probabilitor began to explain. "We help our characters by casting spells determined by rolls of the dice. If you win, I'll go back to my own dimension." Stan clapped and cheered. "But if I win, I eat their brains."

"Uh, I'm not sure this is such a good-" Ford began.

"DEAL!" Mabel interrupted.

"Oh boy," Ford sighed.

"Let the game... BEGIN!" Probabilitor announced. He rolled the die, landing on a 13. "Attack!"

The ogres began trying to smash Dipper and Ford with their clubs. The two nerds yelled out and ran away.

"What do we do?!" Mabel asked. "What are our moves?!"

"There _are_ no moves, Ms. Pines!" Bella said, biting her lip and thinking. "You make them up!"

"What? Really?" Mabel asked.

"Yes! I tried to tell you: this game involves math, but also risk, and imagination!" Dipper told her.

"Risk?" Stan smiled.

"And imagination," Bella added with a smile, and Mabel grinned, too.

"Stan, make something up!" Mabel instructed. "It's just like lying!"

"You have to roll a number bigger than the one he rolled for it to work," Bella explained, pointing at the 13 on the die.

"I cast... uh..." Stan thought quickly. An ogre approached Ford, and Dipper quickly protected him, "shield of... shielding!" He rolled the die, landing on a 14. Glowing blue shields appear in front of Dipper and Ford. "Ha! We're doing it!"

"Shield of Shielding Reversal Spell!" Probabilitor said, rolling the die. The shields disappeared.

"I cast Giggle Time Bouncy Boots!" Mabel said. She rolled the die and silly boots appeared on Dipper and Ford's feet. They bounced over the ogre's head.

"Flaming red sword!" Bella said quickly, and a red sword covered in fire appeared in Ford's hand. "Even bigger flaming red sword!"

The sword grew bigger, and a second one appeared in Dipper's hands. The two boys sliced and killed ogres.

"No! Drat you!" Probabilitor yelled. "You'll never outrun my," he rolled the die, "ogre-nado!" A tornado full of ogres chased down Dipper and Ford. "It is what is sounds like!"

The ogre-nado blew the swords away, putting out the fire and sticking them in the wall.

"I cast MILLI-TAUR!" Bella exclaimed, rolling the die. A horse with many, many legs appeared. Dipper and Ford jumped onto its back, riding away from the ogre-nado.

"Babe, I am so confused and so proud right now," Stan looked at Bella.

"It only makes sense," the teen shrugged. "The more feet, the faster it'll be."

Stan, Bella, and Mabel began cheering for Dipper and Ford as they ran into another room on the board. The milli-taur disappeared and the ogre-nado broke apart. A giant beast suddenly picked up Dipper and Ford. Probabilitor laughed evilly.

"I was saving the worst for last!" He grinned.

"Oh no," Ford gulped.

"The Impossibeast!" Dipper gasped. "Hey, I thought they banned this character!"

"Think again!" Probabilitor said. "I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition!"

"Hey, no fair!" Bella exclaimed. "You didn't tell us that!"

"I'll think of some weapons!" Stan panicked, shaking the die. The monster slammed Dipper and Ford against the wall.

"Stan, you don't understand," Bella said fearfully. "The Impossibeast is the most powerful character in the game! He can only be defeated by rolling a perfect 38."

"Yes, and the odds of that are-" Dipper began.

"Hey, long odds are what you want when you're a world class gambler," Mabel grinned, taking the die from Stan. "Ok Mabel, you can do this. Papa needs a new pair of... twins!"

She tossed the die, which rolled across the game board. They all watched as the die slowly stopped, finally landing on a 38.

"NOOO!" Probabilitor cried.

"Sorry, dork-wizard," Mabel smirked. "All your smarts are no match for dumb luck."

"I cast death cupcakes!" Stan shouted.

Two cupcakes with dynamite appeared in Dipper and Ford's hands. They threw them into the mouth of the Impossibeast, who swallowed them and exploded. Stan, Bella, and Mabel cheered as Dipper and Ford appeared next to them in their normal clothes. Stan hugged his brother, laughing with relief.

"The game is, like, over," the hot elf said, closing the rule book. "Excelci-whatever."

"No! I'm returning to my own realm!" Probabilitor cried as he began to disappear. "I'm turning into pure math! What are the ooooodddsss?!"

He disappeared completely, leaving only the 38-sided die behind.

"Graunty Mabel, that was amazing!" Stan exclaimed happily. "How'd you do that?"

"Hey, a gambler never reveals her secrets," Mabel smiled secretly, picking up the die. A wad of gum stuck to the forest floor.

"Man! That _was_ fun for ages 8-80!" Stan smiled. "Or a million, or however old you guys are!"

"Y'know, I'm sorry for making fun of your game, kiddo," Mabel said, kneeling down in front of Ford. "Sure, it might be too nerdy for me, but it's just the right amount of nerdy for you and my brother. And if you two wanna hang out sometimes... I won't get in your way."

"Thanks, Graunty Mabel," Ford smiled. "But after all that, I could use a little mindless fun."

"Well you're in luck, because the second showing of Ducktective is on in a few hours," Bella informed. "And I was able to avoid _any_ spoilers."

\-----

That night, Mabel, Bella, the twins, and Fiddleford were in the Mystery Shack, watching Ducktective.

_"I'm going to that big pond in the sky," Ducktective quacked, the subtitles showing his words._

_"I just don't understand who shot you," t_ _he_ _constable sobbed. "The only person clever enough to defeat Ducktective is," he gasped, "Ducktective!_

_A_ _bed pan_ _was thrown at the constables head, knocking him out. A duck with a_ _goatee_ _stood in the doorway._

_"Time to_ _finish_ _the job... TWIN BROTHER!" The duck quacked. Ducktective let out a terrified quack._

"He had a twin brother all along?" Stan asked, accidentally dumping his chips in Mabel's lap. " _That's_ the big twist we were waiting for?"

"What a rip off!" Mabel yelled.

"I think it's really cool," Bella said.

"Ah predicted that, like, a year ago," Fiddleford scoffed.

\-----

Later that night, Dipper and Ford were in the basement. Dipper locked the Infinity Die away.

"This will be here, if you ever need it," he smiled at Ford.

"Really?" Ford asked, "Even though I got us into this whole game-playing mess?"

"Ah, we both got carried away," Dipper chuckled. "I guess we'd both gone awhile without a friend. Though I suppose you have that nice boy, huh?" Ford blushed, knowing who his uncle was talking about. The smile slid from Dipper's face, replaced with a thoughtful look. "Ford, can I tell you something?"

The boy nodded.

"You asked me earlier what I was working on," Dipper began. "Well." He tugged the curtain down, revealing the destroyed portal. "I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Mabel for using it. She saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this..." He held up a glass sphere with a small, space-colored blob in it. "An interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Stanford, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Mabel, not your friends, not even your brother. You understand?"

"Oh- uh, yes, of course," Ford nodded.

"In my time, I've made many powerful enemies, but I _trust_ you with this secret," Dipper said. "Now get yourself to bed. I have a lot of research to do."

"Goodnight, Great Uncle Dipper," Ford said.

Goodnight, Ford," Dipper replied, and silently sealed the rift away.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Ria, Roy, Holt, and Thompson were role play fighting in Ria's backyard.

"Guys, do you ever think that maybe we're doin' this cuz our lives aren't special enough?" Roy asked suddenly. "That we use fantasy as an escape to avoid the self-improvement we all need? That maybe we should just go out and grow as people?"

The group became still and quiet.

"Fortresses don't talk, Roy," Holt told him.

"I'm a fortress!" Roy smiled. Suddenly a large griffin flew by and grabbed Thompson.

"Does anyone wanna rescue him?" Holt asked. The group mumbled some excuses.


	14. The Mabelchurian Candidate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel thinks it's a good idea to run for mayor. Dipper thinks it's a good idea to give a 13-year-old a mind control tie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really tried in this chapter. I really did. It's hard to make Mabel seem like a person you wouldn't want to vote for.

Mabel slowly opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling above her bed.

"Ok Mabel, another day, another random body pain," she sighed. "Here we go." She sat up, her back cracking loudly. She put her feet in her slippers, noticing that they were soaked in milk. "Ew!"

She spotted a rainbow sticky note stuck to her lamp and picked it up, reading it in her head.

_Dear Mabel, I needed something to carry milk in so I used your slippers. Love, Stan._

Mabel shuddered and walked into the kitchen, her wet slippers squelching. She flipped the light switch and flinched as the light bulb burst. She groaned and went to get a new bulb, but she saw that the box was empty. She picked up the note that laid inside.

 _Dear Mabel, I took these to build a planetarium suit for Ria. Sorry! Ford_.

Mabel grumbled and tossed the note in the trash can.

\-----

Mabel was at the store, still in her robe, standing in line and holding a box of light bulbs. Daryl, Ed, Stacey, and Shandra walked up to the line. Stacey had her arm around Shandra's shoulders.

"Woah, let's not take this line," Daryl said. "There's an old person in it."

"Yeah, she's probably gonna pay with, like, pennies and coupons," Stacey scoffed. Mabel growled angrily.

"Hey, for your information, I was gonna shoplift most of this!" She snapped at the teens.

"Security!" The cashier yelled. A group of security guards surrounded Mabel.

"Ha! Glitter bomb!" Mabel shouted. She threw a glitter bomb that read 'Expire 11/1996' on the floor. The fuse burned out and nothing happened. "Aw, really?"

She yelled out as the guards tackled her.

\-----

Mabel stepped inside the Mystery Shack, bruised and holding the box of light bulbs.

"Ugh. Rough start to a day," she sighed, walking towards the kitchen. "But it'll all be worth it when I fix that light bul-"

She entered the kitchen to see Dipper standing on a chair and screwing in a new light bulb while the twins, Bella, Fiddleford, and Ria watched.

"And... we're... done," Dipper finished with a smile, the new light bulb lighting up the room. The kids and Ria cheered.

"Is anyone seeing this?" Stan asked. "This is what a hero looks like!"

"I thought we were out of light bulbs," Mabel frowned.

"Oh, we were," Dipper agreed. "So I invented my own. It'll last for 1000 years and the light it emits makes your skin softer."

The others murmured in amazement as they rubbed their skin.

"Anyways, where were you?" Dipper asked. Mabel stared at him angrily and dropped the box of light bulbs in the trash can.

Mabel walked into the living room, sitting down and picking up the TV remote.

"Well TV, at least you appreciate me," Mabel said. "Give me the good news."

She turned the TV on to the news station.

_"This just in:_ _The_ _mayor is dead," Tambry announced._

"What?!" Mabel cried, dropping the remote.

"Woah, what's going on?" Ford asked, entering the room with Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford.

_"Raised by bears in the wilderness, Mayor Eustace Huckabone Befufftlefumpter was best known for raising the water tower, possible starting World War I, and putting town menace Buddy Gleeful behind bars, in actual adult prison," Tambry listed. "A memorial statue is already being carved in the deceased mayor's honor." She sighed, shuffling her papers a bit. "There will be a town meeting this afternoon to discuss replacing him."_

"New mayor, huh?" Mabel smiled, looking at her reflection on the TV screen. "I wonder who it'll be..."

\-----

The town was gathered at the town hall, Sheriff Holt and Deputy Roy standing at the front of the room.

"Alright. Order! Order everyone! Calm down now!" Holt called. "We're here to choose a mayor for the first time in almost a century. According to the town charter," he unrolled an old scroll and a bat escaped, "a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring."

Roy set a hula hoop on the floor. Gideon Gleeful's hat landed in the center.

"Well, would ya look at that?" Gideon smiled and stood up. "I do believe I fulfill all of the requirements."

"Wait, Gideon Gleeful?" Fiddleford asked.

"He looks good!" Stan nodded. "Considering we threw his son in jail."

"That was a good day," Mabel smiled proudly. Gideon stood at the front of the room.

"Now folks, I know our families have had its fair fair share of oopsie-daisies in the past, but I'd like to make up for it by formally announcing my candidacy for the mayor of Gravity Falls!" Gideon smiled. "Any questions?"

"Uh, yeah, are you still in contact with Lil' Buddy?" Thompson Determined asked, holding out a turkey baster.

"That's an _excellent_ question; I'm giving you 50% off on a used car," Gideon said.

"Fifty percent?" Thompson repeated, tearing his notepad in half, "FIFTY PERCENT?!"

"In fact, everyone look under your seat!" Gideon instructed. He started pointing at people. " _You_ get half off a used car! _You_ get half off a used car!"

"Wow, a colorful piece of paper?" Stan said, pulling a coupon out of an envelope. "He's got my vote!"

"Guys, I have a bad feeling about Gideon Gleeful as mayor," Ford said.

"Ah dunno, it ain't like we got a lot of good mayor options," Fiddleford said.

"Yeah, everyone in this town is a tad strange," Bella agreed. "Except, ironically, Tad Strange."

"Hi guys, Tad's the name, and being normal's my game," a man smiled.

"Loving you, Tad!" Stan smiled and pointed at Tad.

"And I love bread," Tad pulled out a slice of bread.

"I'm watching you," Bella narrowed her eyes and did the 'watching you' hand thing.

"It's a shame Dipper isn't here," Ford said. "He'd run, and win! And be a great mayor!"

"Too bad he doesn't have a hat," Bella added.

"So since everyone's happy I'll just take the oath of office now, sound good?" Gideon nodded. "Gavel up?"

Mabel's fez landed in the hoop next to Gideon's hat and everyone gasped.

"Hold it right there, Gleeful!" Mabel yelled. "I'm taking you on!"

Everyone gasped again.

"Wha- Mabel?" Gideon said, surprised. "Why, no offense, _marshmella_ , but you're just some two-bit carnival barker. And your head is more hair than face."

"Oh yeah?!" Mabel snapped. "Well your face is more... fat... than... not fat!"

"Oh snap!" Tad Strange called out as everyone gasped yet again.

"Whaddya say, folks?" Mabel asked, turning to the seated crowd. "Are we just gonna let Gideon win? How about a _real_ election?"

"Get in there, hat!" Tyler Cutebiker threw his hat into the ring. A lot more people did the same, the pile of hats quickly stacking up. Gideon looked at the pile in shock.

"Well, looks like we've got some competition here, folks," Gideon laughed nervously. "Which I'm fine with! Totally fine with!" He glared angrily, turning Mabel around to look at her. "I was willing to let bygones be bygones, Mabel, but you just made a very powerful enemy. I'll win either way, and when I do, you might not like the Gravity Falls you wake up in."

He punched a hole in the map of the town behind him, destroying the picture of the Mystery Shack. Stan and Ford gasped and Mabel gulped nervously.

"Election! Election! Election!" The townspeople chanted as they swarmed out of the town hall.

"Let the madness begin!" Holt cackled, shooting a cannonball out of a window.

"Graunty Mabel, what are you doing?" Stan cried.

"Running for mayor," Mabel answered. "Did I- did I not make that clear?"

"Ms. Pines, it ain't that we think you can' do it-" Fiddleford began.

"No no, it's alright," Ford interrupted. He looked up at his graunty. "We don't think you can do it."

"Look, kids," Mabel sighed, sitting down on the floor. "The mayor kicking the bucket got me thinking. I'm an old lady, and I'm not getting any younger. My dumb brother's research is probably gonna make him famous. And what do I have to show for my life? Do I really want _crooked grifter_ on my tombstone? How about, _crooked mayor_!"

"Psst, guys, let's talk," Ford whispered, and the four kids gathered together for a group huddle. "I know Mabel isn't exactly the best candidate; she can't take anything seriously! But Gideon's definitely up to something, and we're the only ones who can stop him."

"Yeah!" Bella nodded. "Besides, Mabel's a good person. How hard could getting her elected be?"

The four of them put on matching hats and stuck 'Vote Mabel' pins on their shirts.

\-----

The Mystery Shack now had a banner saying 'Mayorly' over the word 'Mystery', so that it now read 'Mayorly Shack.' Several US flags and 'Vote Mabel' stickers decorated the building. Inside the shack, Dan was writing 'SWINES 4 PINES' on Waddles' side.

"Spread the word, pig!" Dan cheered as the pig ran off.

"Alright everybody, eyes up here!" Ford announced. He unrolled an old roll of parchment and a cloud of dust came from it. "Okay, Gravity Falls Elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a 'freedom eagle' who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a 'birdly kiss' upon him anointing him mayor." As he spoke, he showed everyone the script. He frowned, rolling it back up. "I couldn't make this up if I wanted to."

A hamburger-shaped phone began to ring.

"Ok Graunty Mabel, you ready for your first radio interview?" Stan asked, grabbing the phone.

"Sure as sugar I am!" Mabel smiled.

"Ok, you're on with the candidate," Stan spoke into the phone before handing it to Mabel.

_"You're listening to Falls Radio: 24 hour news and bear rampage alerts, and now here's the T-man," a voice on the radio announced._

_"Hello!" Thompson Determined spoke from the phone. "Candidate Mabel, first question. How do you feel about the American flag?"_

_"Eh,_ _it's_ _ok," Mabel said on the radio._ A group of men in a bar were listening.  _"Could use a bit more color. Next question!"_

The men mumbled in disagreement.

_"What would you do to help educate our kids?" Thompson asked._

_"Well school is overrated anyway," Mabel shrugged. "Nothing is useful. But how about teaching them swears?_ _That'll_ _bring 'em into the real world!"_

A mother covered the ears of a boy sitting next to her.

Stan, Ford, Bella, and Fiddleford looked at each other worriedly.

_"What would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?" Thompson asked._

"Wait, do you mean crime in general, or just the specific crimes committed by m-" Mabel was cut off as the phone hung up.

"Ok interview's over," Ford said quickly, holding up the cut phone wire. "Fidds, what's the damage?"

"Yer approval ratin' started at zero," Fiddleford said, looking at a laptop. "Now it's a number _lower_ than zero."

He showed everyone the screen, which showed Mabel's negative rating.

"People are already making memes about you," Bella informed, holding out her phone. "They're funny, and that's not good."

They looked at the meme.

"Look Graunty Mabel, people are like silly string," Stan said. "It's not that you're not fun, you just have to learn when it's _not the right time_."

"From now on, maybe you should just read our _prepared_ remarks," Ford said. He handed Mabel a folded piece of paper that said 'YOUR SPEECH' on it.

"Hehe, sorry kids," Mabel shook her head, stuffing the paper in her pocket. "I only say what _I_ want to say. If I want to say 'This could use more glitter', then I say 'Time to glitterfy!' and add more glitter."

The kids glanced at each other nervously.

\-----

Ford was nervously pacing in the basement.

"And she's _insisting_ on speaking her mind!" He finished, looking up at his grunkle.

"So this _is_ an emergency," Dipper agreed, flipping through his journal.

"The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if she continues like this, we'll lose to Gideon for sure!" Ford worried.

"It's a shame there isn't some device that allows you to control someone else," Dipper mused. "Oh wait. Yes, of course. There is." He chuckled and pulled a red-and-white striped tie out of a drawer. "A long time ago I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Mabel to wear this, and you can make her a literal talking head."

"Woah, this is amazing!" Ford exclaimed, peering inside the tie. "And ethically ambiguous!"

Dipper pulled out another, darker tie and handed it to Ford.

"As long as you wear the matching one, she'll say and do whatever you do," Dipper explained.

"Thank you, Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford said, running off with the two ties.

"Yes yes, use it responsibly and all," Dipper waved.

\-----

"Ya really think this mind-control tie will work?" Fiddleford asked, looking at the striped tie around his neck.

"There's only one way to find out," Ford said as Stan put on the matching tie. "Thanks for volunteering to be the test subject, Fidds."

"Ah mean, if yer uncle gave it to ya, it can't be _that_ dangerous, right?" Fiddleford reasoned. Stan flipped the twitch on the matching tie, turning it on.

" _Oh-oh-oh! I'm a dancing dude! I got some fancy moves and a bad attitude!_ " Stan sung and danced, and in turn, Fiddleford did the same. Stan turned the tie off, laughing, but Fiddleford gasped and began panting.

"Wow, that's amazing!" Stan laughed.

"Yeah, it's uh... certainly something," Fiddleford frowned. "Wow, that felt weird."

"You ok?" Bella asked. Fiddleford nodded silently.

\-----

Tyler was giving a stump speech to the crowd.

"Education, get it. Prosperity, get it. A Gravity Falls we can be proud of, _get iiiiit_!" Tyler said, and the crowd cheered for him.

Meanwhile, Mabel and the kids were backstage.

"Thanks for the lucky tie, kids," Mabel smiled. "It really matches my sweater."

"And now, Mabel Pines!" Holt announced.

"You're on, Graunty Mabel!" Stan smiled, pushing Mabel on stage. He slipped on the mind-control tie and turned to the others. "Ok, we'll only jump in if she starts doing badly."

"Hiya there!" Mabel greeted, entering from behind the curtains. "Mabel here! Let's get real. Do you think Gravity Falls has a serious lack of glitter?"

"Jump in," Bella and Fiddleford deadpanned. Stan turned on the tie, gaining control of Mabel.

"Uh, never mind that," Mabel said. "Let me start over. I'm Mabel Pines. You may know me as the woman who accidentally set all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back."

Ford quickly tugged the tie over Stan's head and put it on.

"But I believe in things," Mabel said. "America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom."

"Good. Good," a man said, tearing up and grabbing the people beside him. "She's saying all the right things."

"Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be _hair_ for you," Mabel smiled. The crowd cheered for her. Ford turned off the tie and Mabel scratched her head, confused. She walked backstage, where Stan quickly hugged her.

"Graunty Mabel, that was amazing!" He cheered.

"Yeah Ms. Pines, how'd you do it?" Ria asked.

"Uh, I-I dunno," Mabel said. "I just opened my mouth and... spoke from the heart, I guess. Hey, what's that sound? Why are people jamming their hands together?"

"It's applause!" Bella grinned. "Ms. Pines, they love you!"

"They..." Mabel peered out at the crowd, " _love_ me?"

"Mabel! Mabel! Mabel! Mabel!" The crowd chanted. The America guy ripped open his shirt, revealing a bald eagle tattoo.

"There she is!" Thompson Determined pointed at Mabel. "Ms. Pines, are we able to get a picture?"

"We are Mabel!" Mabel and the kids said together.

Over the next few days, more and more debates took place. According to the newspaper, Mabel was in the lead.

Gideon Gleeful slammed the paper down on the table.

"Gosh dang it!" He shouted angrily, startling the other people at the table. "This is bad! This is real bad!" He sighed. "I need to speak with my campaign manager." He entered a room with a sign saying 'DO NOT ENTER' and turned to face a TV screen. "Look, I'm sorry 'bout all this. It's a minor setback, but we're goin' to win."

"Minor setback?" A voice said from the TV. "Minor setback?!" Buddy turned around in a chair from inside a prison cell. "You listen, Daddy, and you listen good! Prison is a nightmare! I eat the same slop everyday! They have no hair products in here!" He patted his hair. "I can't sleep cuz my cellmate took my pillow for a wife!" He knocked a pike of books off the table. "You think I've been having fun in here?!"

"Hey best friend!" A prisoner with milky white eyes greeted.

"Don't be late for friendship bracelet class!" Another said.

"I have finger painting AT THE SAME TIME!" Buddy yelled. The two prisoners left and Buddy sighed. "Whew! The mayor dying is my one ticket out of here. Which is why you're gonna win this election, pardon me out of prison and we're not gonna let the Pines, get in my way again!"

"I know, but it's strange!" Gideon frowned. "She's doing great in the polls! It's almost like..." his eyes widened in realization, "...like magic. Buddy! You still got that spell from the journal?"

"I got it right here, Dad," Buddy pulled a torn page out of his hair. The page read 'Possession Incantation'. "And I think I know _exactly_ where this is going."

"Start chantin', boy!" Gideon ordered with a smirk.

" _Lleps live ykoops, lleps live ykoops, live ykoops..._ " as Buddy began to chant, his eyes began to glow. The lights in the room started to swing back and forth before bursting. Gideon struggled and screamed in pain, his eyes glowing a pale blue.

\-----

In town, a banner saying 'Election Day!' hung over the street. Mabel walked happily through town, wearing a different outfit.

"Looking good, mayor candidate!"

"Hooey, it's the gal I'm gonna vote for!"

"Looking a-ok there, Mabel. A-ok."

"Tad, that means so much coming from you!" Mabel smiled. She burst into the Greasy's Diner. "Hey-o!"

"Mabel!" Everyone cheered.

"Now just the men!" Mabel said.

"Mabel!" The men in the diner cheered.

"Now just the men my age!" Mabel added.

"Mabel!" One older man said.

"Oof, nevermind," Mabel said. She sat next to Bella and Fiddleford in a booth, across from an annoyed Stan and Ford.

"On the house, Mrs. Big Shot!" Grenda smiled, setting a plate of pancakes in front of Mabel.

"Thank you!" Mabel picked up a knife and fork. "Man, I could get used to this."

"Graunty Mabel, what's with the outfit?" Stan asked. "You're missing your lucky tie!"

"Power tie, gotta wear it," Ford agreed.

"Aw come on, have you _seen_ the polls?" Mabel scoffed. "I could debate naked and I'd still win! Huh. Come to think of it..."

"Please don't," Bella said.

"Seriously though, we need you to wear that sweater and tie, Graunty Mabel," Stan said.

"Sweater and tie, gotta wear it," Ford agreed.

"Ugh! Why do you kids always have to tell me what to do?" Mabel asked angrily. "Everyone in this town is finally showing me respect! And maybe you kids should, too."

"Graunty Mabel, we'd respect you more if you took this more seriously," Ford hissed.

"I am taking this seriously!" Mabel snapped, slamming her hands on the table. "In case you haven't noticed, everything that's come out of this golden mouth has put us on top! With or without your dumb advice!"

" _Dumb advice_?!" Ford repeated.

"Ford, don't!" Fiddleford whispered worriedly.

"Yeah! Dumb advice!" Mabel nodded.

"Dang it, Mabel!" Ford yelled, slamming his fists on the table and standing up. "Every one of those speeches, we were controlling you!"

"Ford!" Stan and Bella exclaimed.

"What?" Mabel looked up from her plate of pancakes. Ford held up the striped tie.

"This tie is a mind control device invented by Dipper!" He explained, and peeled back the front of the tie to reveal the circuitry. "You'd be losing if it wasn't for this tie!"

Mabel stared in disbelief before becoming angry.

"Well you can tell that know-it-all Dipper that he can keep his fancy light bulbs and magic ties!" Mabel yelled. "I'm gonna win this debate on my own, without any of you!"

She stopped out of the diner, leaving the kids at the booth.

"Mabel, wait! You can't-" Ford flinched as Mabel slammed the door shut. "Oh, this is bad. If we want to beat Gideon, we need another candidate."

"What we need is a blank slate, someone totally suggestible!" Stan mused. "An empty piece of clay we can mold to our whims."

"Hey, a little help dudes?" Ria asked, exiting the bathroom with a sweater stuck over her head. "I accidentally got my head stuck in my shirt sleeve. I guess this is my life now."

The kids smiled at each other.

\-----

The final debate was set up in front of Mayor Befufflefumpter's unfinished memorial.

"Seed here!" The American guy called. "Support your favorite candidate by throwing election seed!"

Another man struggled to put a fighting eagle inside a bird cage. He finally succeeded, sighing in relief.

"Welcome all to the final debate in what is sure to be, on a cosmic scale, a forgettable blip in human history," Tambry said into a camera. "And here come the three most popular candidates now."

Mabel, Gideon, and Tyler walked onto the stage, waving.

"Oh, hello there Mabel," Gideon said in a babyish voice. "Long time no see, tee-hee." He hip-bumped her. "Whoo-hoo!"

"Don't you tee-hee me," Mabel growled. "I'll debate you into the ground."

"Oh, but I have a wittle trick up my sweevy-weeves," Gideon smiled, his eyes glowing a faint blue.

"You're making me very uncomfortable right now," Mabel frowned.

"But what's this?" Tambry asked as Ria walked onto the stage wearing the tie. "It seems a new candidate has entered the ring!"

"Wait, what?!" Mabel exclaimed. She peered backstage to see Stan wearing the matching tie and controlling Ria. "Those backstabbing..."

"Let the debate begin!" Tambry announced, ringing a bell.

"First question!" Womanly Wendy said, standing in front of a microphone. "What's your position on AXES?! No wait..." She peered at a note card. "I mean TAXES!"

"Easy, taxes are the worst," Mabel said. "I propose we pay for everything using glitter and stickers. It's more fun!" The crowd began to book loudly. "What? Uh..."

Mabel looked nervously at her queue cards.

"I don't know much about taxes, but I can promise you a puppy on every doorstep!" Ria smiled. She pointed accusingly to her left. "You don't make sense, Fiddlenerd!"

The tie sparked, making Ria twitch.

"Friends, friends," Gideon tsked. "Can't you see what's happening on this stage? These politicians are dancing around the issues. Well I... can _sing_ around the issue!" He ripped off his suit to reveal a blue tank top, sparkly red pants, and a belt with a screen on it. On the screen was the American flag. He caught a guitar from off stage and began to sing. "Oh crime is bad! Crime is oh-so bad! Vote for Gid and there ain't gonna be no crime! Crime's bad. Vote Gid."

He laid on his side and winked.

"You may now throw your bird seed," Tambry said. The crowd cheered and threw bird seed into Gideon's box. "And now a brief intermission."

\-----

"We're getting eaten alive out there!" Ford paced back and forth back stage. "Since when has Gideon been creepily adorable?"

"I know!" Bella agreed. "It doesn't make any sense! He's almost acting just like-"

"Widdle. Ol'. Me."

The kids gasped. Gideon walked towards them with Buddy on the screen.

"Aha! Hello there, long time no see!" Buddy greeted. "Except in my revenge fantasies where I see you on an hourly basis. Oh hi there, Fiddleford! I don't believe I have any beef with you."

"Buddy!" Ford glared. "I knew you were somehow behind this! You've been controlling Gideon!"

"And it seems _you've_ been controlling Mabel!" Buddy smiled, pointing at the kids. Gideon copied his movements. "I gotta hand it to y'all. You've become much evilier since I last saw ya. Daddy!"

Buddy snapped his fingers and Gideon began to approach the others. He grabbed the four of them by the back of their shirts.

"Let go of us!" Bella yelled.

\-----

Gideon had carried them up to the inside of the memorial. He tied the four of them up inside the room full of fireworks.

"Behold, your grand view of the debate!" Buddy announced. "Once I win the election, I'll finally rule this backwards town!"

"You won't get away with this!" Bella snapped.

"Oh, I'd be happy to spare you, Bella," Buddy smiled. "If you agree to be mine. I even made you this wedding dress in crafts class!" He held up a ruined white dress. "Don't ask what it's made of."

"Ew! I'd rather death!" Bella exclaimed.

"Fine! Have it your way!" Buddy shouted. "Once I win, they'll hit the plunger for the fireworks display, finishing the mountain's construction, trapping y'all inside. I've been trapped behind concrete all summer; now see how you like it!" The kids gasped. "Say hello to the next mayor of Gravity Falls, kids!"

He laughed evilly and left. The four kids struggled to escape.

\-----

"And that is why, uh..." Mabel scratched her head, "the Statue of Liberty is our prettiest landmark!" The crowd booed loudly and Mabel's approval rating dropped. "Alright alright, she's kinda manish! What do you want from me?"

The crowd threw more and more bird seed in Gideon's box, and his approval rating soared. Gideon smiled smugly at Mabel. Mabel groaned and started wiping her forehead with a piece of paper.

"You're dying out there, Mabel," she said to herself. She looked at the paper, seeing that it was actually the speech paper the kids had given her. Mabel watched as her approval rating reached zero. "Aw kids, you were right all along. I should have listened to you when I had the chance."

"Help! Help us!"

"What the-?" Mabel put the paper to her ear before looking up at the mountain.

"We're tied to a bunch of fireworks!" Ford shouted. The kids were trying to jump out, but the rock underneath cracked and broke. They ended up hanging from the nose, the rope fraying quickly. Tyler screamed loudly and pointed out the kids.

"KIDS!" Mabel cried. The four young teens yelled as the rope frayed more, nearly snapped in two. Mabel gasped and turned to the audience. "Listen everybody! This debate is over! I have to save my family!"

"Those?" Gideon said, slightly panicked. "Oh those are just some- some demolition dummies. Nothing to see here!"

"Can it, Gleeful!" Mabel snapped. She ran backstage and began to climb up one of the towers near the memorial. The crowd stood up and moved to watch.

"In a shocking turn of events, Mabel Pines runs to the aid of four kids who appear to be in danger!" Tambry narrated. The crowd cheered and began throwing bird seed at Mabel herself. "And the crowd is _loving_ it!"

"No, stop it!" Mabel yelled. "Thank you, but stop it!" A group of eagles crowded around her. "Get back, you terror birds!"

She punched the eagles away and continued climbing. She reached the top of the tower and jumped to the nose of the memorial. She balanced herself out and the rope holding the kids finally snapped. Mabel quickly grabbed the rope.

"Graunty Mabel!"

"Ms. Pines!"

"Kids!" Mabel cried as she began pulling them back up. "Look, I'm sorry I was being stubborn. I guess being the town's hero wasn't enough. I wanted to be yours too."

"We're sorry, Graunty Mabel," Stan said. "We should have supported you. Win or lose."

"Probably lose," Ford said.

"On second thought, maybe I won't pull you up," Mabel lied. The kids started yelling. "That's what I thought."

The kids finally reached the top, and all of them were safe inside the memorial. Mabel untied the kids and they all joined in a group hug. They climbed to stand on top of the memorial's nose, where the entire crowd cheered for Mabel. Gideon stared in shock as Mabel's box overflowed with bird seed and her approval rating soared through the roof. Gideon sat on the floor and banged his fists on the stage.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not again!" He tantrumed. He stepped off the stage, standing in front of the fireworks detonator. He glanced up at Mabel and the kids on the memorial. "Time to take care of you once and for all!"

"Oh no, we've got ta get out'a here!" Fiddleford panicked.

"Kids, if I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Dipper," Mabel said. The kids nodded at her. Mabel grabbed the four of them and jumped off the memorial just as the fireworks exploded. Mabel and the kids screamed, landing in the pile of bird seed overflowing Mabel's box.

The crowd screamed and ran as chunks of the memorial rained down upon the town. One rock hit Gideon, knocking him to the ground.

\-----

Meanwhile in Buddy's cell, his TV had turned to static.

"No!" Buddy yelled. He tore the journal page in half. " _NO!_ "

He screamed, throwing the TV and tearing his hair.

\-----

The debate timer reached zero, opening the bird cage and freeing the mayor picking eagle. It cawed, took flight, and landed next to Mabel before kissing her head. It flew off, leaving Mabel to help the kids out of the bird seed. She brushed herself off and righted her fez as the crowd stared in shock.

"Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines!" The crowd chanted. Fireworks went off in the background.

"Well, I guess we know who won," Bella smiled.

\-----

 _"This just in,_ _Mayor_ _Pines_ _loses,"_ _Tambry_ _announced on TV._

"WHAT?!" Mabel and the kids exclaimed.

_"Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify her due to discovery of an extensive criminal record," Tambry reported._

"Oh boy," Mabel said.

"Mabel, what did you do?!" Stan asked.

"What _didn't_ I do?" Mabel sighed.

_"Crimes include shoplifting, selling magic water, a new crime she invented called 'burglebezzlement', first-degree llamacide..." Tambry listed, becoming more and_ _more_ _confused._

"That poor llama," Mabel sighed sadly. "He knew too much."

_"Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who filled out their paperwork," Tambry announced. "Local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker."_

_Tyler was on stage. Holt and Roy gave him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers. Tyler blushed happily as the crowd cheered._

_"_ Got it _," Tyler whispered._

_Tambry was handed a giant stack of paper._

_"We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Mabel's crimes,"_ _Tambry_ _said. "First-degree thermometer theft. Pug trafficking."_

_As she spoke, the crimes were listed on the TV screen. The list read 'FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACK EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY.'_

Mabel shut off the TV.

"Whew, at least they didn't name any of the bad ones," Mabel said. "On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast."

"Aw, I'm sorry, Mabel," Ford frowned. "I actually think you as mayor would have been fun."

"Ah, it's probably for the best," Mabel waved it off. "I got close to the dream though, kids."

"Hey, I made you something," Stan said. He held out a sash with glued on fabric letters reading 'OUR HERO' on it. "It's not very good, but..."

"Aw Stanley, it's perfect," Mabel smiled and sniffled.

"Ms. Pines, are ye crying?" Fiddleford asked.

"Tears of joy," Mabel sniffed. She stood up, slipping on the sash. "Come on, kids. You wanna go vandalize Mayor Tyler's mansion?"

The kids cheered as they all ran out of the room.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Buddy sat in prison with the prisoner from earlier, both of them making friendship bracelets.

"Hey, I'm sorry the election thing didn't work out for you, bro," the prisoner said. "But if it makes you feel any better, we're gonna throw a riot tonight. Does someone wanna throw a riot?"

"Thanks Ghost Eyes, I'm just not in the mood," Buddy sighed.

\-----

That night, Buddy laid in his cell, staring at the ceiling. He sighed, sitting up and looking at the wall.

"This poster is the only thing keeping me going," he said. The post had a picture of a kitten in a tree and read 'HANG ON TO THAT BRANCH OR DIE, CAT!'. Buddy tore the poster away to reveal a chalk drawing of the zodiac. Bill was in the center, missing his eye. Buddy drew in the eye with a piece of chalk.

"I'm finally ready to make a deal," Buddy announced as the drawing glowed yellow.


	15. The Last Bellacorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well we already knew Bella had sinned plenty. This is just proof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little note before we start. In case anyone worries, no, Dipper does not wear his binder while he's sleeping. He knows of the risks of doing so, so he takes it off when sleeping. You may read in peace now.
> 
> PS: He doesn't take it off during the mind-reading scene, because he did not mean to fall asleep.

It was night time in Gravity Falls. Bella and Fiddleford were sleeping over at the Mystery Shack. Ford slept on his bed, a book open on his stomach. Bella was snuggled on the floor, cuddling four unicorn Beanie Boos.

Downstairs in his used-to-be secret room, Dipper was sleeping on the couch.

_In his dream, Dipper stood in a wheat field. Cluttering the field was an empty sandbox, the ruined portal, and the broken Mystery Boat._

_Dipper looked around as the wheat flattened around him, shaping Bill Cipher. The shape began to glow bright blue, accompanied by a very familiar laugh._

_"I know that laugh..." Dipper growled. "Show yourself!"_

_He spun around to see Bill  materialize in the air. Bill circled Dipper, multiplying into many copies of_ _himself_ _as he spoke._

_Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well!" Bill said. "_ _Aren't_ _you a_ _sight_ _for_ _sore_ eye _!_ _Mason 'Dipper' Pines, my old pal!"_

_"Bill Cipher," Dipper narrowed his eyes. "What do you want_ _from_ _me?!"_

_"Oh, quit playing dumb, Pine Tree!" Bill said._

_"You knew_ _I'd_ _be back!" Another Bill spoke. He ruffled Dipper's hair and_ _flicked_ _his nose._

_"You think shutting down that portal could stop what_ _I_ _have planned?" The first Bill asked. All the Bills merged together into one giant Bill and_ _floated_ _above Dipper. "_ _I've_ _been making deals, chatting with old_ _friends_ _, preparing for the big day! You_ _can't_ _keep that rift safe forever." He snapped his fingers_ _and_ _a copy of the rift appeared in his hand. "_ _You'll_ _slip up, and when you do...!"_

_He threw the rift to the ground, creating a massive portal in the shape of an upside-down triangle. The wheat field_ _around_ _Dipper burnt down._

_"_ _Get_ _out of here!" Dipper_ _yelled_ _angrily. "You have no dominion in our world!"_

_"Maybe not right now, but things change, Mason Pines!" Bill said, floating up into the portal. "But things change! Things..._ ** _change_**. _"_

Dipper sat up on the couch with a yell. He panted, adjusting his glasses.

"I have to warn them," he spoke. "He's coming."

\-----

Ford opened the closet door, Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford standing behind him. Stan rubbed his hands excitedly as they looked at the pile of board games.

"Alright, Graunty Mabel has to have _some_ decent board games," Ford said.

"Let's see," Stan read off the names of the board games. " _Battlechutes & Ladderships, Necronomiconopoly, Don't Wake Stalin..._"

"Hey, check this out!" Bella said, picking up a box. " _What Could Go Wrong?: The Board Game. The last players to open this box never made it out alive._ "

The four kids looked around at each other.

"Well I think I know what we're doing today," Stan said.

"This should take up the next 21 minutes," Fiddleford said at the same time.

"Family meeting! Family meeting!" Dipper called from the other room.

\-----

Mabel was outside with a man, standing next to a pick up truck. Barrels full of pugs were in the back of the truck, and Mabel was holding another barrel.

"Ok Santiago, you have 24 hours to get these pugs across the US boarder," Mabel instructed.

"Family meeting! Family meeting!" She heard Dipper call from inside. Mabel quickly handed the barrel of pugs to the man.

" _No te preocupas!_ " Mabel spoke. " _Vamos! Vamos!_ "

\-----

The twins and their friends approached Dipper, who was sitting at the table reading a book. A bag and several scrolls littered the table.

"Ah, children," Dipper noticed them. "Come in, come in!"

"Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions!" Stan said, looking at the contents of the table. Bella gasped happily.

"Are you gonna tell us we're going to wizard school?" She asked. "I've been waiting for two years!" She began rummaging through the bag on the table. "Is there an owl in this bag?!"

"No!" Dipper shouted, snatching the bag away. "I can assure you that if there is an owl in this bag, he's long dead." Bella frowned. "Now children, do any of you recognize _this_ symbol?"

Dipper held up a scroll with a picture of Bill. The four kids gasped.

"Bill," Ford breathed.

"You- you know him?" Dipper asked, lowering the scroll.

" _Know_ him?" Bella said. "We've _fought_ him! Twice!"

"He's been terrorizing us all summer!" Ford exclaimed. "I have so many theories and questions..."

"Stanford's been pretty paranoid since Bill turned him inta a livin' sock puppet," Fiddleford explained, setting a hand on Ford's back.

"What matters is we defeated him twice," Ford said.

"Once with imagination and once with punches!" Bella smiled.

"The fact that you've dealt with Bill is gravely seriously," Dipper said.

"So how do _you_ know Bill?" Fiddleford asked.

"I've encountered many dark beings in my time, Fiddleford," Dipper answered. "The important thing is that his powers are growing stronger, and if he pulls off his plans, no one in this family will be safe!" Stan gasped. "Fortunately, there should be a way to shield us from his mental tricks. A way to Bill-proof the Shack." He drew on a map of the shack. "All I have to do is place moonstones here, here, and here, sprinkle some mercury, let's see... I always forget the last ingredient." He took out the first journal and began to flip through it. "Ugh, unicorn hair."

"That's not like, rare, is it?" Ford asked.

"It's hopeless," Dipper sighed. He looked back at the journal and adjusted his glasses. "Unicorns reside deep within an enchanted glade, and their hairs can only be obtained by a pure good-hearted person who goes on a magical quest to find them."

He showed off the page. Bella squealed, jumping to her feet.

"Mr. Pines, can I _please_ go on this quest?" She begged. "I absolutely love unicorns! My first Beanie Boo was a unicorn, my second favorite My Little Pony character is- was- a unicorn- _will you even look at the Beanie Boos_ _I_ _have with me right now?!_ " She dumped out her bag, revealing the four unicorn Beanie Boos she had been laying with last night. "Not to mention I'm _probably_ the most pure of heart person in this room."

The others mumbled in agreement.

"So can I go on a mission to get that hair?" Bella asked. "Please please please? I'LL GIVE YOU MY _BLOOD_!"

"Very well," Dipper said. "But it won't be easy. Take this." He handed Bella the first journal, and then a crossbow. "And this."

"Ooh," Bella looked at the weapon.

"I haven't been in this dimension for a while," Dipper said. "It ok to give children weapons, right?"

"Not usually, but I'll be fine," Bella said, aiming the crossbow. She accidentally shot an arrow throwing the window, setting off a car alarm outside.

"AH! IT'S THE COPS!" Mabel shouted from outside. "FLOOR IT!"

"Stan, Fidds, come on!" Bella waved them along.

"Wait, us?" Stan asked, pointing at his and Fiddleford.

"Duh, I can't do this without my best friend and my boyfriend," Bella smiled. "Ooh, I'm gonna call Dan, too!"

The three of them ran off, Bella quickly dialing on her phone.

"So what are the odds they get that hair?" Ford asked his uncle.

"Unlikely," Dipper said. "I've dealt with unicorns before, and if I had to describe them in one word it would be... frustrating."

"So what are we gonna do about Bill?" Ford asked.

"Follow me," Dipper ushered. Ford changed the sign on the Mystery Shack to 'Closed' before following Dipper onto the elevator to the basement. They stepped out on the second floor.

"Welcome to my private study, a place where I keep my most ancient and secret knowledge," Dipper said. "Even your aunt Mabel doesn't know about this place." Ford stopped to examine a covered painting. "Stanford, come along!" Ford dropped the corner of the sheet, running after his uncle. "If we can't Bill-proof the Shack, we're going to have to do the next best thing." Dipper held up a helmet with wires. "We're gonna have to Bill-proof our minds."

Ford gasped.

\-----

Bella, Stan, Fiddleford, and Dan were trekking through the woods. Dan hacked at branches above his head with his ax.

"It's nice to finally be out on a mission with three of my favorite people," Bella said.

"I just wanna meet, touch, and/or become a unicorn!" Stan smiled.

"If'n they are able to do magic, Ah'd like ta be able ta study it a bit," Fiddleford said.

"Fidds, I will make sure you study that magic, because I _care_ about my friends," Bella said, resting a hand on Fiddleford's shoulder.

"Honestly, I stopped believing in unicorns when I was like, three years old," Dan scoffed. "I'm just here to make sure none of you walk into a bear trap."

"I've always believed they had a chance of existing," Bella said. "Not as big of a chance as mermaids, but still a chance." She pulled out the first journal and stopped. "Ok, so this is the magic part of the forest. Let's see, the gnome tavern is over there, the fairy nail salon is over there, but it says that to summon the unicorn, one must bellow this ancient chant droned only by the deepest-voiced druids of old. Dan, you have the lowest voice here, so could you read this please?"

"Fine," Dan groaned and took the journal. "But I bet you ten bucks nothing happens."

"I'll take that bet," Stan smiled. Dan walked forward and began chanting. The kids gasped as a fortress rose out of the ground. The four of them entered through the big doors.

"The magical drawings on the Internet were true!" Bella gasped.

Sitting in front of them was a rainbow-maned unicorn underneath a rainbow. Nearby was a half-human half-faun playing a pan flute. The unicorn neighed, but her mouth stayed closed. The boys spoke with hushed wonder. Stan held up his hand and made a grabbing motion to Dan.

"Eh, eh."

Dan groaned and handed Stan the ten dollar bill.

"Hark! Visitors to my realm of enchantment!" The unicorn spoke.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" Bella squealed. "Hi! I like your cutie mark. What's your name?"

"I am Celestabellebethabelle, last of my kind," the unicorn said. "Come in, come in! Just, take off your shoes. I have a whole thing about shoes."

Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford removed their shoes, leaving them by the entrance. Bella was now barefoot, while the other two had socks. Dan went to follow them, but was stopped by Celestabellebethabelle.

"Ah ah! I'm talking to _all_ of you!" She said. Dan groaned and took off his boots.

"Celestabellebethabelle, we have traveled far and wide-" Bella began.

"About an hour," Fiddleford clarified.

"On a mission to protect our family with your magical hair!" Bella finished.

"Very well," Celestabellebethabelle stood up. "To receive a lock of my enchanted hair, step forth, one of pure perfect heart!"

The boys ushered Bella forward.

"Presenting: bum buh da bum bum ba bum bum! Bella!" The teen kneeled proudly.

"What? _You_?" Celestabellebethabelle asked. Bella frowned in confusion. "A unicorn can see deep into your heart, child." She pointed at Bella's chest with her horn, making a heart glow. Bella exclaimed and covered the heart. "And you have done wrong. WRONG I say!"

"I guess I _do_ roast people a lot at school," Bella said, ashamed. "And I _did_ just shatter a window with a crossbow..."

"Your bad deeds make me cry," Celestabellebethabelle whimpered. She teared up, a single rainbow tear falling onto a rose and making it whither.

"NO!" Bella cried.

"Come back when you're PURE OF HEART!" Celestabellebethabelle exclaimed, neighing loudly. "Exit is that way." Bella and the boys began to leave. "Shoes, shoes, take your shoes. This isn't some... some... shoe store."

The door closed behind them as they left.

"Hey Bella, don' let her get to ya," Fiddleford said.

"Yeah, I wouldn't trust a horse that wears makeup," Dan rolled his eyes.

"Rarity wears makeup," Bella defended. "Besides, Celestabellebethabelle is right. I used to be one of the sweetest people I knew, but recently I've been slacking in the whole goodness department. Well, today we're gonna fix it. Starting now, I'm gonna do so many good deeds, I'll have the purest heart in Gravity Falls!" She pumped her fist in the air, punching a bird to the ground. The boys gasped. "That... that was an accident."

\-----

Meanwhile, Dipper was hooking Ford up to the mind machine.

"So what is Bill, exactly?" Ford asked. He spotted a file on Bill Cipher and began reading through it.

"No one knows for sure," Dipper said. "Accounts differ of his true motivations and origins. I know he's older than our galaxy and far more twisted. Without a physical form, he can only project himself into our thoughts through the mindscape. That's why he wants _this_." He held up the rift. "I dismantled the portal, but with this, Bill has a way into our reality. To get his hands on this rift, he would trick or possess anyone."

"So how do we keep Bill out of our minds?" Ford asked.

"Well there's a number of ways," Dipper said thoughtfully. "I personally had a metal plate installed in my head.

"Hehe, good one," Ford chuckled. Dipper knocked on his head, creating a metallic sound. Ford coughed and cleared his throat.

"But this machine is safer," Dipper assured. "It will scan your mind, bio-electrically encrypting your thoughts so that Bill can't read them." He turned on the machine. "Now say hello to your thoughts."

On the screen, some of Ford's thoughts read 'Oh, man, I can't believe I'm with the author.' and 'Is my fly down?' Two more read 'Does Fiddleford really like me?' and 'Do I like him?' Out loud the machine sung "DISCO GIRL! COMING THROUGH!" It then said "Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan."

"Might wanna... ignore that last one," Ford said. "By the way, you never told me what your history with Bill was."

"Ford, do you trust me?" Dipper asked.

"Of course, but-" Ford began.

"Then you'll trust that that's not important," Dipper interrupted. "Now focus. It's time to strengthen your mind."

\-----

Bella and the boys stood on the sidewalk.

"Ok Bella, time to strengthen your heart!" The teen announced.

Bella did lots of good deeds. This included picking snails up off the sidewalk and setting them in the grass, planting a tree (though it ended up blocking the door for Thompson Determined to get out), putting a giant smiley face sticker on Mabel's face, donating blood until she passed out, stopping traffic to let some ducks cross the road, painting the Nathaniel Northwest statue with glitter, filling up a donation box, and the four of them helping a woman with her groceries.

"Boom! A thousand good deeds!" Bella announced, looking at a checklist of good deeds on her phone. The boys cheered. "When that unicorn scans my heart, she's gonna say I'm absolutely, one hundred percent, guaranteed-"

\-----

"Not pure of heart!" Celestabellebethabelle exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Bella cheered and was about to dab when she realized what the unicorn had said. "Wait what?"

"How's that even possible?!" Dan asked angrily.

"Bella's a straight up saint, you judgmental hoofbag!" Stan snapped.

"Please, tell me what I'm doing wrong!" Bella cried, kneeling on the ground.

"Doing good deeds to make yourself look better isn't good at all," Celestabellebethabelle said. "Not to mention you're crushing, like, ten dandelions right now. Those are basically children's dreams."

Bella gasped and quickly stood up.

"Wha- those were not there before!" She argued.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Celestabellebethabelle said, though she didn't sound sorry at all. "It's not my fault you're a bad person."

The four friends gasped. Bella teared up before running off, crying.

"Bella, wait!" Fiddleford called. "Come back!"

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 3 o'clock posing in front of a rainbow," Celestabellebethabelle said. She posed in front of the rainbow, neighing and shaking her head back and forth.

The boys followed Bella outside to see her laying on the ground and clutching her unicorn Beanie Boos around her.

"Come on, Bella," Dan said softly. "Don't beat yourself up over this."

"Let's just forget 'bout that dumb unicorn hair," Fiddleford said.

"It's not about the hair anymore, guys," Bella sniffed. "It's about me. Being kind and lovable is what makes me who I am. If I'm not a good person, who am I? I'm not leaving this spot until I think of a deed that makes me as good as Celestabellebethabelle."

She pulled out her phone, turning on her notebook app.

"But Bella-" Fiddleford began.

"Just leave me alone!" Bella snapped, wiping tears off of her face.

"Pst," Dan nodded his head towards the trees. Him, Stan, and Fiddleford walked away. "Guys, if you ask me, this whole thing is a serious load. Bella's like the best person I've ever met. We tried getting that hair the good way. Now it's time we try the manly way."

He smirked, punching his palm.

"Are you talking about fighting?" Stan asked excitedly.

"Bella ain't gonna like that," Fiddleford frowned.

"Bella doesn't need to know," Dan said. "We're gonna get that hair. Now, here's what we're gonna do..."

The three of huddled together.

\-----

Fairies and gnomes were hanging out in what seemed to be a bar. Suddenly the door was kicked open by Dan.

"It's the cops! Hit the deck!" A gnome yelled.

"We're looking for someone who knows how to take down a unicorn!" Dan yelled. "No tricks or games!"

Stan entered and smashed a bottle on the table.

"We are human!" He yelled. "We take what we want!"

"Fairy dust," a fairy in the back said. "A whole magic bag is enough to put a unicorn out cold. But if I do you a favor, you've got to do something for me."

"Spill it, lady," Stan ordered, the three boys walking over to the fairy.

"Butterfly trafficking is illegal in this part of the forest," the fairy explained. "But I like butterflies. They tickle my face and make me laugh. Bring me a bag of butterflies and we got a deal."

Stan, Fiddleford, and Dan nodded at each other.

\-----

Fiddleford approached the fairy behind the bar. He was wearing sunglasses and a black hoodie. He handed the fairy a bag, and inside was a jar of butterflies.

"Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed," the fairy said, handing two small bags to Fiddleford.

"Where do ya get this stuff?" Fiddleford asked.

"Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it's made," the fairy answered.

"You disgust me," Fiddleford narrowed his eyes.

"You've got your poison, I've got mine," the fairy said. "That was the deal."

"Yeah well, the deal is off!" Fiddleford yelled. Several gnome policemen surrounded the fairy.

"Freeze! You're under arrest!" One gnome yelled. The fairy dropped the jar of butterflies. "Get down! Get down!"

"These butterflies aren't mine, I swear!" The fairy cried as she was handcuffed. "I've been framed!"

"Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge," the police gnome said. He held his hand out to Fiddleford. "My cut."

Fiddleford gave him one of the bags of fairy dust.

\-----

Bella was still writing in her notebook app, trying to think of good deeds, even though it was now dark.

"Good deeds. Good deeds," the teen mumbled. "Aww that's not good enough! Come on, Bella, you can do better than that!"

Stan, Fiddleford, and Dan silently snuck into Celestabellebethabelle's home. The unicorn was reading a book by the rainbow.

"Oh sure, sure, I wish I could travel, but it's just not feasible in this economy," Celestabellebethabelle complained. Suddenly she was hit by a cloud of fairy dust. "What the hey?!"

She swayed before passing out. The faun nervously began playing a tune on the flute. Stan snuck up and held a towel to its mouth.

"Ssh ssh, sleep," Stan whispered. The faun soon passed out, and Stan pulled the cloth away. Dan approached the sleeping unicorn, grabbing a fistful of its hair and pulling out a pair of scissors.

"No, wait!" Bella shouted, entering the fortress, holding a pink unicorn Beanie Boo in her hand. "Stop!"

"Bella! Ssh!" Dan hissed quietly. "You'll wake her up!"

"But this is wrong!" Bella said, snatching the scissors from Dan.

"But protecting the shack is right!" The boy argued. The yelling woke Celestabellebethabelle up, and she opened her eyes to see Bella holding the scissors.

"What? Doth mine eyes deceive me?" The unicorn asked. "Thief! You shall never be pure of heeeaart!"

"No! You don't understand!" Bella began to sob. "I just want to be good like youuuu!"

"Woah woah woah, you gotta be kidding me," a voice said. Two male unicorns appeared, one red and one blue. The blue unicorn was the one to speak. "Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this 'pure of heart' scam again?"

"That is messed up, man," the red unicorn said.

"Wait, scam?" Bella asked, looking between the three unicorns.

"Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart," the red unicorn admitted. "All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow, and play rave music."

The red unicorn played music from his horn.

"Yeah, the whole 'pure of heart' racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone," the blue unicorn said.

"Guuuyys. Shut uuupp," Celestabellebethabelle whispered, looking embarrassed. Bella stared in shock before looking down at her phone screen, which read 'Bella's Sins'.

"All this time," she muttered. She turned off her phone, glaring up at Celestabellebethabelle. "All this time, I thought I was a bad person. But you're even _worse_ than I am!"

The boys gasped.

"Okay, fine," the unicorn huffed. "You learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off." She turned to look mockingly at Bella. "What are you gonna do about it, huh, huh? What are ya gonna DO?"

Bella punched Celestabellebethabelle right in the muzzle. The unicorn exclaimed, rainbow blood dripping from her nose. The boys gasped again.

"WHOO, go Bella!" Dan cheered.

"Join the dark side!" Stan smiled. Bella growled, throwing the Beanie Boo unicorn in her hand to the ground. She quickly picked it back up, kissing its forehead.

"Sorry Sugar Pie, Mommy was angry," she said softly before putting it in her bag.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" The boys chanted.

"Oh, so it's a fight you want?" Celestabellebethabelle asked angrily. "Well, then it's a fight you're gonna get!"

The two different groups yelled, running at each other.

\-----

Down in the lab, the screen read 'SCANNING THOUGHTS 15%'. Ford sat and waited, watching the screen.

"Ugh, this is taking forever," the boy groaned. "How long have I been doing this for?" He looked over at Dipper, seeing that he was asleep. "Why does he have to be so mysterious about Bill? I can handle the truth."

_"I wonder what Great_ _Uncle Dipper_ _is thinking,"_ _Ford's_ _thoughts said on the machine. "Use_ _the_ _machine!_ _It'll_ _show you his thoughts."_

"I shouldn't..." Ford said slowly.

_"He won't know. He's going to tell you eventually. The more you know about Bill, the more you can help."_

"Man, I am really good at rationalizing," Ford said.

" _Yes, you are; yes, you are; yes, you are; yes, you are."_

Ford set the helmet on Dipper's head.

"Just a little peek," Ford promised. "What are you hiding about Bill?"

Ford looked towards the screen, where the text cleared and was replaced by Bill.

_Bill was cackling evilly. The screen changed_ _to_ _Dipper tossing and_ _turning_ _in his sleep. The smaller screens showed the portal and a younger Candy yelling at Dipper._

_"Where are these ideas coming from?" Candy asked angrily. "Who are you working with?!"_

_The screens then showed_ _Ford_ _writing_ _'I'M LOSING', 'MY MIND', and 'TRUST NO ONE' in the journal._

_"My brother is a dangerous_ _know-it-all_ _..."_ _Mabel's_ _voice was_ _heard_ _on the machine._

_"He would trick or possess anyone..."_ _Dipper_ _spoke. A younger Dipper_ _stood_ _in front of Bill, smiling._

_"Then_ _it's_ _a deal," Dipper said,_ _holding_ _out his hand. "From now until the end of time."_

_"Just let me into your mind, Dipper!" Bill said, holding out a flaming hand._

_"Please, call me..." Dipper_ _shook_ _Bill's hand, "a friend._ _"_

_Bill cackled evilly as he possessed Dipper._

"DIPPER AND BILL?!" Ford shouted fearfully. He gasped, spinning around to see Dipper standing up. The light reflected off of his glasses.

"You shouldn't have done that," Dipper said. He took off the helmet, tossing it aside. It knocked down a curtain, revealing many Bill artifacts.

"W-why were you shaking hands with Bill?" Ford asked nervously. He grabbed the rift off of a table. "You said Bill would possess anyone so he could get this!"

Ford exclaimed as he nearly dropped the rift.

"Careful!" Dipper exclaimed. "Hand me the rift! Now, boy!"

"Why were you really scanning my thoughts?" Ford began backing away from Dipper. He grabbing the memory gun, aiming it at his uncle. "Are you Bill right now?!"

"Now, just- just calm down, S-" Dipper began.

"SIXER?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GONNA CALL ME?!" Ford screamed.

"I was gonna say 'Stanford', kid!" Dipper assured. Ford backed up against the wall.

"Great Uncle Dipper told me to protect the rift!" Ford yelled. "Get one step closer and I'll shoot! I'll erase you right out of Dipper's head!"

"It's me, Stanford! It's your uncle!" Dipper shouted.

"Trust no one... trust no one..." Ford mumbled, closing his eyes and charging the memory gun, "Trust..."

"Hand it to me!" Dipper yelled. The gun fired at him, bouncing off of his glasses and around the room before destroying a TV screen.

Ford reached to grab the memory gun, but Dipper picked him up by the back of his jacket before he could get it.

"Let go of me!" Ford snapped, swiping at Dipper.

"Now- now just calm down," Dipper said. "Calm down!" He adjusted his glasses. "Look into my eyes! Look at my pupils. It's me, Ford. It's me."

Ford sighed and Dipper set him back down.

"I tried to erase your mind," Ford said. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok, Stanford," Dipper smiled. "My mind can't be erased, remember?" He knocked on the side of his head, the metallic sound of the metal plate being heard. "If I really was Bill, though, you would've done great. I should have been more like you when I was young. Ford, I was an idiot to try and hide all this. The reason I've been trying to prepare you for Bill's tricks is because Bill tricked me. It's the biggest regret of my life." He paused for a moment, glancing at Ford. "Bill wasn't always my enemy, Ford. I used to think he was my friend. Long, long ago."

 _A young Dipper_ _stood_ _in front_ _of_ _a_ _chalkboard_ _with_ _drawings and_ _equations_ _on it._

_"I had hit a road block in my investigations of_ _Gravity_ _Falls," Dipper narrated. Young Dipper_ _slammed_ _his fists on the chalkboard. He was then wandering through a cave. "Until_ _I_ _found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being_ _with_ _answers._

_"It_ _warned_ _me not to read them, but_ _I_ _was desperate. I read the inscription aloud. But nothing happened. Until later that afternoon, when_ _I_ _had the strangest dream_ _."_

_Young_ _Dipper_ _was sleeping under a tree with Candy._ _The_ _knots on the surrounding trees become Bill's eye. The_ _forest_ _and Candy faded into nothing, leaving only Dipper. The boy opened his eyes, looking around at the floating journals and pages. He stood up, walking around._

_"Hiya,_ _smart_ _guy!" Bill_ _floated_ _up_ _behind_ _Dipper, his voice echoing. Dipper_ _yelled_ _and jumped, "Woah,_ _don't_ _have a heart attack!_ _You're_ _not 86 yet!"_

_"Who are you?" Young Dipper asked._

_"Name's Bill!" The triangle answered. "And your name is Dipper Pines,_ _the_ _man who changed the world! But_ _I'm_ _getting_ _ahead of ourselves._ _Let's_ _relax! Care for a game of interdimensional chess?" A chessboard appeared floating between the two of them, and two chairs appeared underneath them. "Have a cup of tea!"_

_A teapot poured tea into two teacups. Bill and_ _Dipper_ _began to play chess,_ _Dipper's_ _tea_ _long_ _forgotten._

_"He told me he was a muse," Dipper narrated. "That he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire. What a fool I was. Blinded by his flattery and games. He became my research assistant. He was free to move in and out of my mind as he pleased."_

_Young Dipper sat cross-legged on the floor, summoning Bill. His eyes opened and they were yellow. Dipper shook his head, closing his eyes again. Candy_ _glared_ _at him from across the room._

_"We were partners."_

_Dipper and Bill were in the mindscape, figuring out an_ _equation_ _with a picture of the portal next to it. Dipper wrote a 5, but Bill changed it to an infinity sign._

_"When he told me I could complete my research by building a gateway to other worlds, I trusted him," Dipper narrated. "He said this was the way genius happened. A little help from a friend."_

_Young Dipper and Candy_ _stood_ _in front of the completed portal._

_"It seems that I was on the verge of my greatest achievement!"_

_The portal activated. Afterwards, Dipper was_ _holding_ _Candy, who was unconscious._

_"Until my girlfriend got a glimpse of Bill's true plans."_

_Young Dipper ran up to Bill in the mindscape._

_"Bill! You lied to me!" Young Dipper accused. "Where does that portal_ really _lead?!"_

_Bill was_ _looking_ _at a tear in the space. On the other side was a group of dark figures._

_"Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart!" Bill cackled. "Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party!" He turned to the tear. "_ _Right_ _, guys?!"_

_Roaring and cackling_ _sounded_ _from the tear._

_"No!_ _I_ _'m gonna_ _stop you, Bill!" Dipper yelled. "_ _I'_ _m gonna_ _shut down the portal and_ _I_ ' _m gonna_ _stop you!"_

_"A deal's a deal, Pine Tree!" Bill said. "You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Adorable, even!"_

_Young Dipper woke with a start._

_"I'd been betrayed," Dipper narrated. "I shut the portal down, severing the link between Bill's world and ours." Young Dipper shut down the portal. "I had to hide my instructions so no one could ever finish Bill's work."_

"Bill's been waiting for the gateway to reopen ever since," Dipper said. "All he needs to do is get his hands on this rift. To Bill, it's just a game, but to us, it would mean the end of our world."

"...oh man," Ford murmured.

"Oh man indeed," Dipper agreed, setting a hand on Ford's shoulder.

\-----

Dipper and Ford sat at the dining room table. Dipper opened a soda, sliding it to Ford.

"Ugh, I'm so embarrassed about earlier," Ford groaned, resting his forehead against his soda. "I'm such a fool."

"From now on, no more secrets between us," Dipper said. "We're not the first two fools to be tricked by Bill, boy. But if we work together, we _could_ be the last."

"But what about Bill?" Dipper asked. "I broke the machine! Now we have no way to protect the shack!"

Bella slammed a fistful of unicorn hair on the table. She and the others were covered in rainbow blood.

"Did someone say 'unicorn hair'?!" She smiled.

"Uh, no, actually?" Ford raised an eyebrow.

"Oh," Bella said. "That would have been perfect. Either way, we got some unicorn hair!"

"Also some unicorn blood, unicorn eyelashes..." Stan said, gesturing to Fiddleford, who was wearing the eyelashes.

"And they finally gave us this treasure just to get rid of us!" Dan smiled, dumping a chest of gold and treasure on the table.

"It... can't be!" Dipper stared in disbelief. "This is a great day, lady and gentlemen! With this unicorn hair, we should be able to completely shield the shack from Bill's mind-reading tricks!"

"Did I do good?" Bella asked.

"Better than good; it's perfect!" Dipper exclaimed. "You've protected your friends and family. You're a good person, Bella."

"Thank you, Mr. Pines," Bella grinned. "But today I learned to never try to impress anyone!"

"SHINY!" Mabel ran in and grabbed an armful of gold.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Dipper and Ford were in the yard. Ford glued the final piece of unicorn hair around the shack. A force field formed in a bubble, then became invisible.

"Perfect!" Dipper smiled. "This will protect us from Bill. As long as we're inside, our minds are safe."

Bill watched them from the mindscape.

"I guess if I can't possess anyone inside the shack, I'll just have to find my next pawn on the _**outside**_ ," Bill said. His eyes began flashing between several people.


	16. Roadside Attraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford becomes a fuckboy for an episode.
> 
> Also, both him and Fiddleford are very very gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before we begin, the way Ford knew which boys to flirt with on the trip (after the first boy) was that they all had some sort of rainbow/LGBT+ pride thing on them.

Mabel was putting bumper stickers on the back of an RV.

"Nice," Mabel hummed. "And don't forget the bug spray! It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers."

"Woah, an RV? Camping gear?" Ford approached his aunt. "Graunty Mabel, are you running from the law again?"

"Dude! It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure!" Ria called from the top of the RV.

"More like _revenge_ trip," Mabel clarified. "Every year my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack. Last year those hooligans duct taped Ria to the ceiling."

"That was a fun 78 hours," Ria said.

"Well no more!" Mabel handed Ford a map of Oregon's tourist traps. "This year we're visiting every tourist trap along the Redwood Highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one!"

Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford walked up to the RV. They all had on a backpack (Bella wearing her ever-present blue drawstring backpack) and Bella was dragging a rolling suitcase behind her.

"Future photographer ready for the road trip!" Bella announced with a smile.

"Thanks for letting me bring Bella and Fidds along on the road trip, Graunty Mabel," Stan said.

"I packed as many Beanie Boos as I could fit!" Bella said happily, holding up her bag.

"The more the merrier," Mabel grinned and handed Bella and Fiddleford each a piece of paper. "Just sign these non-disclosure agreements. None of your parents are lawyers, right?"

The four of them entered the RV. Ria jumped down from the roof.

"What do you say, dude?" She asked Ford. "You comin'?"

"I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff," Stan said. "Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed." He dropped a shoebox, revealing a bunch of pictures of Dan. "Whoa. What the...? Ugh, _what's that_?"

"Nothing!" Ford lied, hastily cleaning up the pictures. "Just... Dan stuff... from old times."

Stan and Ria groaned.

"Bro, I thought you were finally past all this!" Stan said.

"I know, I know!" Ford sighed. "I know he's not interested, and I know it's over, but how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?"

"Ford, two words: move on," Bella leaned against the doorway to the RV. "You're just gonna hurt yourself. That's why it's best to just move on soon as possible and find another crush. That's what I do."

"Yeah dude," Ria agreed. "And a road trip is the perfect place to meet new people."

Ford glanced at a picture of Dan, then at a pamphlet.

\-----

Mabel drove the RV along the road. Ria stuck her head out the window, panting like a dog and sticking her tongue out.

"Ah, I love road trips," Bella smiled, she and the others sitting at the table. "The moving, the exploring, the photo ops."

"Ooh, informational travel pamphlets!" Fiddleford said, looking through the pamphlets on the table. "Ah want ta read 'em all an' gain their travel knowledge."

"Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person," Mabel said from the front seat. "The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me." Fiddleford narrowed his eyes at the woman. "Now look alive! We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon."

They stopped by a sign saying 'Granny Sweetkin's Yarnball.'

"Don't let the face fool you," Mabel warned. "This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions."

They all got out of the RV, Bella holding all of her cat Beanie Boos in her arms. The kids stared in wonder at the giant yarn ball.

"I'm going in," Stan said. He dove into the yarn. Bella set up all of her cat Beanie Boos and took a picture. She and Fiddleford then followed Stan into the yarn. Ford watched a boy with an ice cream walk by.

"Ok, like Ria said. Meet new people," Ford said to himself. He walked over to the boy and cleared his throat, his hands deep in his pockets. "So, uh... come here often?"

"No, I'm a tourist," the boy retorted. Ford laughed nervously.

"You're funny," he said. "And cute. I mean, not cute. I mean, you're not _not_ cute! Phew, let me start over." He held out his hand. "My name is Fanstord."

The boy dumped his ice cream on Ford's hand and walked away. Ford sighed, letting the ice cream fall to the ground.

 _"Ford, hup to!"_ Mabel's voice spoke from Ford's walkie-talkie.  _"This ball of yarn_ _isn't_ _gonna_ _prank_ _itself!"_

Ford took a piece of string from Stan and tied it to the back of the RV. He looked at his reflection on the bumper and sighed sadly.

"Something on your mind, kiddo?" Mabel asked. "You're thinking about Mr. Cold Shoulder over there, huh?"

"I'm so embarrassed!" Ford groaned. "Look, earlier this summer I ruined my chances with Dan."

"Heh, yeah... 'chances'," Mabel said, rubbing the back of her head.

"And I wanna move on, but I'm terrible at talking to boys," Ford said. As they talked, Stan and Bella were unraveling the yarn ball. "The moment I open my mouth around them I unravel like... like... well, I can't think of a perfect metaphor, but you get the gist. At this rate, I'm going to grow up to be a sad loner like Thompson Determined."

"Woah, never say that about yourself," Mabel said. "Lucky for you, I'm an expert on men. Listen to me, kid. There's only three things you need to know when talking to boys: comedy, conversation, and confidence."

"Really?" Ford asked with a smile. "That sounds easy enough."

"You betcha, kid," Mabel smiled. "At the next tourist trap, try my advice out on the first guy you see."

"Cool... thanks, Graunty Mabel," Ford said.

"Hey, I'm full of good ideas," Mabel stated proudly. "Speaking of which. Everyone, now!"

Ford and Mabel ran into the RV, quickly followed by Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford. They drove off, unraveling the ball of yarn completely and revealing Granny Sweetkin.

"Why, you gall darn son of a no good..." Sweetkin grumbled. She grabbed one of the world's largest knitting needles and threw it at the RV. It stuck in the back of the vehicle. "I'll get you, Mabel Pines!"

\-----

The RV approached Upside-Down Town and stopped next to an upside-down house.

"Ah, Upside-Down Town," Mabel said. "The nausea capital of the state. Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms."

"Let's see, what animals hang upside-down?" Bella asked, searching through her suitcase of Beanie Boos.

"Of the ones you have, koalas," Fiddleford answered. Bella nodded and grabbed two koalas, one pink and one gray.

The kids put on velcro shoes so they were able to walk on the carpet. They cheered and got aligned with the ceiling before running inside.

"Neato Dorito!" Bella exclaimed.

"This is so weird!" Stan laughed. Ford entered and noticed an amber-haired boy with a phone. The phone had a rainbow pride sticker on the back.

 _Alright, kid._ Mabel's voice said in Ford's mine. _This is it. Be confident._

Ford cleared his throat, walking over to the boy.

"Hi, I'm Stanford," he said. "Crazy place, right?"

"Oh, hi," the boy waved. "I'm Evan Sue. You know, if you pretend we're right-side-up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end."

"Huh. Yeah, weird, right?" Ford agreed. "Pretend you're screaming."

"Ok," Evan laughed, "You gotta take a picture of me, though."

He screamed as Ford took the picture with Evan's phone.

"Let's see about- woah!" Ford let go of the phone before quickly catching it again. "Hehe, just kidding."

"Wow, you are the worst!" Evan playfully shoved Ford and took his phone back. "Woah, you got six fingers?"

"Oh, yeah," Ford said, showing off his hand.

"That's so cool!" Evan said.

"Evan, come on!" Evan's dad called. "We haveta get to Canada before your mother gives birth!"

"It's a long story," Evan chuckled.

"Maybe you could... tell me sometime?" Ford suggested.

"Here's my email address," Evan said, writing it on Ford's palm. "Write me and I'll tell you all about it."

He waved to Ford as he walked off.

"A boy gave me his email address," Ford said, looking at his hand. "And it wasn't out of pity! Haha, yes!"

He jumped in celebration and ended up crashing to the floor. He landed by the gift shop, where Stan and Fiddleford were standing, and Bella was hanging from the ceiling. Her glasses were on her forehead.

"I'm okay," Ford assured. "I'm better than okay. Stanley, hi. There's my Bella! Fidds, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny." Fiddleford blushed deeply and smiled shyly. "Hahaha. Wooo!"

Ford walked off, leaving the three friends in the gift shop.

"Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Ford seems... different," Bella mused.

"Yeah... good different," Fiddleford smiled and adjusted his glasses.

"Now, Ria!"

Mabel and Ria began jumping on the floor, rocking and tipping the house so that it was right-side-up. The gang ran to the RV and drove off. The owner of the house ran outside.

"Not so upside-down now!" Mabel laughed.

"What a lovely, normal home!" A woman smiled.

"Mabel Pines!" The owner yelled, dropping to his knees.

"I can't believe that worked," Ford said, looking at Evan's email. He was sitting up front next to Mabel. "What do I do now? Do I email him?"

"No no no, you _practice_ ," Mabel said. "The more boys you talk to, the better you get at it."

"Graunty Mabel, these tips are priceless," Ford said as he wrote on a notepad.

"And that's just the tip of the advice-berg," Mabel smiled.

Ford flirted with boys at the next few attractions. He flirted at the Log Land and the Corn Maze as Mabel sabotaged the attractions with beavers and corn weevils. At the corn maze, Ria wandered into a random part of the maze. The rest of the group ran onto the RV.

"Everyone on board?" Mabel asked.

"Probably!" Stan gave a thumbs up. They drove off, leaving Ria in the maze.

"Guys? Hello? Anyone?" The woman called. "They'll come back for me."

\-----

The group was relaxing at an RV park at night. Mabel and Ford sat in a hot tub while the other three sat around a campfire.

"So then I said to the bouncer 'Where's _your_ ID, ugly?'" Mabel said. She pointed to a scar under her arm. "That's where I got _this_ scar."

Ford laughed. He was sitting on the side of the hot tub, his feet dangling in the water.

"Graunty Mabel, I gotta say, this was one of the best days ever," Ford smiled. "Look!"

He held up his arms, showing off numerous emails and phone numbers.

"That's the Mabel Pines method, kid," Mabel grinned. "Works every time."

"I'm just a little worried, though," Ford frowned, sinking into the water. He kept his arms dry. "Is it bad to flirt with this many boys at once? I'm just trying to get over Dan. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings."

"Please," Mabel waved it off. "That's the best part of flirting on a road trip. You're never gonna see any of these guys again." She raised her soda. "To moving on!"

The two of them laughed, knocking their sodas against each other.

Meanwhile, Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford were laughing and taking a selfie. Fiddleford scooted back to his seat afterwards. The three of them started roasting marshmallows.

"Soooo... Fidds," Stan said, looking over at the boy. "How's the whole thing with my brother going?"

Fiddleford blushed, looking down at the ground.

"It's... it's going..." he whispered.

"Aw, come on, Fidds!" Bella said. "It's about time you tell him!"

"Ah know, an' Ah want ta, but... Ah'm nervous," Fiddleford squirmed.

"Then we're gonna set you guys up!" Stan smiled. "We'll get you guys together, and hopefully Ford will be able to take a hint."

"How do ya plan on doin' that?" Fiddleford asked.

"Don't worry about that," Stan said. "I've got a plan."

\------

The next day, the group was back on the road.

"Alright, campers," Mabel said. "We've got another day of breaking laws and breaking hearts. Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction."

"Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?" Stan asked.

"Uh, sort of," Mabel chuckled. The RV approached a large mountain. "There she is, kids. Mystery Mountain. Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse: she has _real_ attractions!"

"Oh! Ah read about this place!" Fiddleford exclaimed happily. "They have a sky tram, a mummy museum, and sightin's of half human, half spider creatures."

"Too bad I don't have a spider Beanie," Bella said.

"Even their made-up legends are better than ours!" Mabel said. "Well today, the mountain falls."

Bella and Stan nodded at each other.

"Question!" Stan said, raising his hand. "The back seat makes me car sick. Can I sit up front today?"

"Also question!" Bella added. "Some of my Beanies are getting claustrophobic. Can some of them sit on the seat?"

Fiddleford looked up from the pamphlet and blushed.

"Uh, sure," Mabel approved. Stan cheered and ran up to the front seat where Ford sat.

"Change up!" Stan smiled and shoved Ford out of the seat and into the back.

"But wait!" Ford called as he buckled in. "That means it'll just be me and-"

"Fiddleford McGucket!" Fiddleford said suddenly, his face red. Ford jumped slightly and scooted over to give the boy space.

"Woah! Uh, hey Fidds," Ford greeted. The two nerds sat in awkward silence for a minute. Fiddleford scooted over a bit towards Ford. "You're sitting close."

Stan and Bella giggled as Bella closed the curtain.

"So, uh... Stanford..." Fiddleford began nervously, playing with his hands. "Ah was wonderin' if ya maybe wanted ta walk about Mystery Mountain with me today?"

"Suuuuure..." Ford said slowly. "I mean, wasn't that already the plan?"

"Well, A-Ah meant just the two of us," Fiddleford blushed, glancing up at Ford. "Y'know, like... alone?"

Ford's eyes widened as he realized what Fiddleford was saying. Just then the RV screeched to a halt outside the Mystery Mountain entrance.

"Alright, kiddos!" Mabel called, standing outside the RV. "I've got five bucks for whoever can tip the big blue ox! Go go go!"

Stan and Bella ran off towards the mountain.

"Ah'll see ya in there," Fiddleford waved and quickly followed Bella and Stan. Ford frowned nervously, stepping out of the RV.

"What's with the mopey mug, kid?" Mabel asked.

"Mabel! You gotta help me!" Ford cried. "Everything you taught me worked _too_ well! I think Fidds just asked me out on a date!"

"Well isn't that a good thing?" Mabel smiled proudly.

"Well, I-I mean, Fiddleford's great!" Ford began nervously. "He's smart and nice and he's cute-" Ford paused, a blush overcoming his cheeks. "Wait! I didn't mean cute- not that he's _not_ cute! I mean- I can't have a crush on my best friend!"

Mabel laughed, cutting Ford off.

"Don't you see what's happening here?" She asked. "That's your dumb obsession with Dan getting in the way! I've seen you around Fiddleford, kid. I don't think you realize that you genuinely like him! Besides, if you wanna move on, you gotta say yes to whatever comes your way." She looked towards the ticket booth, seeing the man running it. "Speaking of which..."

"But I don't wanna ruin our friendship!" Ford argued. "What if I find out I _don't_ like him like that?"

"Ah ah ah!" Mabel held up a finger. "Watch and learn." She approached the ticket booth. "Hi there! I'm Mabel."

" _Hola_ ," the man waved. "I am Armando."

"Wow, are you Australian?" Mabel asked. Armando laughed.

"I am charmed by your sense of humor," he smiled.

"Thank you," Mabel smiled back. "Your hair is beautiful."

"Why Mabel, you are so forward," Armando chuckled. Ford rolled his eyes. "Say, I am going on a break. Would you like to take the sky tram up to Widow's Peak?"

"Take my advice or don't, but _clearly_ I know what I'm doing," Mabel whispered to Ford. She turned to Armando. "Sure, I'd love to!"

Armando walked up to Mabel and offered his arm. Mabel took his arm and the two of them walked towards the entrance.

\-----

Bella and Stan watched from the bushes as Ford and Fiddleford entered Mummy Town.

"I can't believe this is happening!" Stan whispered excitedly. "A real date! I wonder what they'll name the kid."

"I've always liked the name Chris for a boy," Bella mused.

"You would make _such_ a good mom," Stan said.

"I can't tell if you're flirting or just being honest," Bella giggled.

\-----

Inside Mummy Town, Ford and Fiddleford were sitting on a bench. A banner above them read 'New Mummies Daily!'

"This place is so interestin'," Fiddleford said, looking around.

"Kinda confused by the term 'New Mummies Daily', though," Ford said. "How does that even work?"

"Ah reckon they might just make 'em theirselves," Fiddleford mused. He nervously set his hand on Ford's, holding it. Ford blushed and looked at their hands.

"Listen Fidds, I need to-" Ford began.

"Oh, Stanford, hey!" The boy from the corn maze approached them.

"Corn Maze Boy!" Ford gasped, letting go of Fiddleford's hand.

"I was wondering when you'd call," the boy said, sitting on the bench.

"Ford? Who's this?" Fiddleford asked.

"Nobody!" Ford said quickly. "I mean, uh, _some_ body, but-"

"Stanford!" Evan walked up. "I almost didn't recognize you right-side-up. You'll never believe where my mom gave birth." He frowned, seeing the other boys. "Hey, who are these boys?"

"Stanford?" The boy from Log Land appeared from behind the corner. "Why haven't you called? Did our romantic log ride mean nothing to you?"

"Ford, what's goin' on?" Fiddleford asked. "Ah thought we were on a date, but you were seein' all'a these boys?"

"Well, answer us," the corn maze boy ordered. "Which one of us _do_ you like?"

"I..." Ford began to sweat nervously. "I like all of you! I mean, I don't like any of you! I mean-" Ford breathed heavily, hiding inside his jacket. "I was trying to learn how to talk to boys!"

He laughed nervously and the other boys walked off, mumbling. Ford frowned, turning to look at Fiddleford. The boy cleaned off his glasses, setting them back on his face.

"Fiddleford-"

"Ah need some time ta think, Stanford," Fiddleford said bluntly, getting up and leaving.

"Fidds, wait!" Ford called. He groaned. "I messed everything up. I need to find Mabel! She'll know what to do!"

He ran off to find his aunt.

\-----

Meanwhile, Mabel and Armando were walking through the woods. They sat down on a bench on the edge of the trail.

"Are you sure you want to go this deep into the forest?" Armando asked. "It can get very scary."

"Aw, I'm fine," Mabel giggled. "All that spider people stuff is just a legend anyway."

"You are so brave, Mabel," Armando smiled.

"What can I say?" Mabel grinned. "I'm a real catch."

"Yes, which is why I'm very sorry I have to do this," Armando smiled sadly. He blinked and his eyes turned black.

"Uh, I think your contacts fell out," Mabel said, watching as Armando stood up. She screamed.

\-----

Ford ran up to the ticket booth, which was now being run by a young man.

"Uh, have you seen an old woman around here?" Ford asked, panting. "Big ears, purple sweater, a real know-it-all?"

"Sorry kid," the man shrugged. Ford groaned, walking to the entrance.

"Mabel, where are you?" He said. "I need your advice!" He heard yelling from his walkie-talkie and pulled it out. "Graunty Mabel?!"

 _"Heeey, buddy boy,"_ Mabel said.  _"_ _So remember how we were talking about my technique? Well, sometimes it leads to unexpected consequences."_

"You can say that again," Ford agreed. "Where _are_ you?"

 _"The good news is, I've solved the mystery of where Oregon's mummies come from,"_ Mabel said.  _"_ _The bad news is..."_

Mabel was in a cave, wrapped in spider silk and hanging from the ceiling right-side up. The walkie-talkie was lodged between her shoulder and her head.

"...I'm about to become one," she finished. "Turns out Armando is one of those spider people. But beyond that, the date's been okay."

"Wait wait wait, Armando's a spider person?!" Ford said into the walkie-talkie. "How is that _possible_?"

"I don't know," Mabel said as she struggled in the webbing. "One minute we're on the perfect date, the next he's growing extra legs and encasing me in webbing."

"You couldn't tell he was a spider?!" Ford yelled.

"I was blinded by flattery!" Mabel defended. "I'm up the mountain at Widow's Peak."

"Alright, I'm gonna find you," Ford said. "Stay put!"

Mabel looked down at the webbing she was trapped in.

"...You got it."

Suddenly a string of webbing shot at the walkie-talkie. Armando appeared, half spider, and yanked the walkie-talkie into his hand.

"I apologize, Mabel, but I cannot let you escape," Armando said sadly.

"You tricked me!" Mabel yelled angrily. "I'm 80% certain you don't really love me at all!"

"Aye, and it's my fault!" Armando sighed. "I would rather not be doing this at all. But I have no other choice."

"What... what do you mean?" Mabel asked, raising an eyebrow.

"All I want is to escape back into the wild," Armando explained. "But instead I'm kept here, forced to make new mummies. I really am sorry for this, Mabel."

\-----

Stan, Bella, and Fiddleford were sitting on a bench, Bella and Stan comforting their friend.

"Ah feel like such a fool," Fiddleford sighed. "Ah never shoulda said anythin'."

"Aw, Fidds, it'll be alright," Bella said, rubbing his back. Ford ran up to them, panting.

"Guys! There you are!" He cried.

"Betrayer!" Bella yelled, pointing at Ford.

"Oh. You," Fiddleford crossed his arms and glared at Ford. "What do _you_ want?"

"I need your help," Ford said.

"With what, some sick jealousy trap?" Fiddleford asked. Him and the others high-fived, Stan and Bella cheering him on.

"Look, I'm so sorry about everything, but Mabel's in trouble!" Ford said. "You can totally kill me later, but right now she needs us. I'll explain on the way!"

He ran off, quickly followed by Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford. The ran up the trail, passing by Old Reliable just as it went off. They soon reached the cave, calling out for Mabel.

"In here, guys!" Mabel yelled. The kids ran towards the voice and gasped upon seeing Mabel and Armando sitting together.

"Graunty Mabel, what's going on?" Stan asked.

"Turns out Armando isn't all that bad," Mabel said.

"I never wanted to hurt anyone," Armando explained. "All the other spider people enjoy being here. They say it is an easy meal. But I would like to just go home."

"And that's what we're doing!" Mabel said.

"Yes, and I thank you for that, but now we must hurry," Armando glanced around nervously. "The other spider people don't like me trying to leave."

\-----

Mabel, Armando, and the kids were walking through the forest, Armando back in his human form. Unknown to them, more giant spider people watched them from the trees.

"So, where exactly do you live?" Ford asked, glancing at Armando.

"I live just outside of the mountain, deep in the forest," Armando explained. "Once we reach the woods, I can make it from there."

Suddenly a spider person jumped from the trees, landing in front of the group. The kids gasped.

"Where ya goin', Armando?" The spider person asked.

"RUN!" Armando yelled. The group ran around the spider person. He hissed, turning full spider before chasing after them.

"The sky tram!" Fiddleford pointed out. "Ev'rybody on! Ah got a plan!"

The group hopped into one of the trams and it slowly started moving. They all cheered happily.

"Ride like the wind, sky tram!" Mabel announced, but the tram was moving very slowly.

_"Welcome to Trambience, the world's slowest treetop tram ride," a recording said. "Enjoy the sights at 0.1 miles per hour."_

The group groaned and complained.

"Can't this thing go any faster?!" Ford snapped.

_"No it can't. This is Trambience."_

The spider from before climbed up a pole holding the trams. It looked around for Armando's tram and jumped down to reach it.

 _"_ _Enjoying_ _the view?" The recording asked._ A loud thump sounded on the tram.  _"Take a picture!"_

The spider's head appeared in the window, causing everyone to scream. The spider began to coat the tram in webbing.

"We are doomed!" Armando exclaimed.

"We're all gonna die!" Bella cried, holding onto Stan. Fiddleford panicked silently, looking through a pamphlet.

"Listen carefully, y'all!" Fiddleford yelled. "This sky tram has an emergency drop switch. Below us is Oregon's largest Paul Bunyan statue! An' Old Reliable goes off in 5..." he looked at his watch, "4..."

He grabbed the emergency switch.

"Fiddleford, wait!" Ford cried. "Don't pull that lever!"

"3... 2..."

"Kid, are you crazy?!" Mabel screamed.

Fiddleford grunted as he pulled the lever, making the tram drop from the wire, and the spider fell with it. Old Reliable went off, shooting the tram into the air. It bounced and rolled around the mountain before barreling through the ticket booth under the Paul Bunyan statue. The spider was stuck underneath the foot just as it crashed down on him. He struggled to break free.

"No! My only weakness, a giant boot!" The spider yelled. "A giant cup or a giant newspaper would also have been pretty bad."

The door to the tram was kicked open and the gang tumbled out.

_"Thank you for riding Trambience sky tram! Tell your friends it was a boring, boring ride," the recording said._

"My, that was genius!" Armando exclaimed, smiling at Fiddleford. "How did you know that would work?"

"Science an' useless travel pamphlets," Fiddleford smiled proudly.

"Armando! You get back here!" The spider person yelled, having pulled his human head back on. Armando ignored him, instead turning to the family.

"Thank you for helping me escape," he said. "But now I must go. Goodbye!"

They group waved to Armando as he turned spider, running off into the forest. The spider person trapped under the boot hissed and spat acid at Mabel's feet.

"AHH! Get in the car, get in the car!" Mabel screamed, she and the kids running back to the RV and driving off.

\-----

Mabel drove silently as Ford sat beside her. The boy sighed sadly, wiping the ink off of his arm. Mabel sighed, looking back at the road.

"Alright, kid. I gotta admit something," she said. "I'm no expert on men. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and dumped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, flirters like me don't really get anywhere. When it comes to men, I'm a failure."

"Hey, we're both failures," Ford said, holding up his arm. Mabel smiled at him. "You know, even if your dating tips were bad, I actually haven't thought about Dan all day. Plus, you did teach me to be more confident." He glanced back at Fiddleford, who was looking sadly out of the window. "I guess I just need to learn to use that power for good." He walked over to the boy. "Hey. I found a pamphlet I don't think you've read yet."

He held out a pamphlet saying 'A Loser's Attempt at An Apology'. Fiddleford read through it, smiling softly. Ford sat down beside him at the table.

"It's alright, Stanford," Fiddleford said. "Ah guess the open road makes people do crazy things..." The two sat in silence for a minute. Fiddleford glanced around nervously before looking at his hands. "Y'know, Ah've kinda always liked you..."

"You... you have?" Ford asked, looking over at his friend.

"Since the beginnin' of summer," Fiddleford nodded. "I'm a bit surprised you haven't noticed by now."

Ford groaned, resting his head in his hands.

"I'm such an idiot," he grumbled. "Fidds, I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner."

"Hey hey, it's alright," Fiddleford assured. He took Ford's hand, holding it in his own. "Ah... Ah still like ya. A lot. If ya maybe wanna... Ah dunno... try it out? Like... a relationship?"

"I'd like that," Ford smiled. "Thanks, Fidds."

\-----

The RV entered Gravity Falls and the kids cheered.

"I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps," Ford said.

"Ah, come on. Everyone loves my pranks!" Mabel argued. "And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD!"

The RV screeched to a stop in front of a wrecked, spray-painted, pranked Mystery Shack. Mabel got out of the RV to see the owners of the tourist traps destroying the shack.

"Oh, come on!" She yelled. The corn maze owner rat up and smashed Mabel's headlight with a baseball bat.

"That's what you get! _That's_ _what you get_!" The man yelled, dropping the bat. He ran off with the other owners.

"I don't understand," Mabel said. "I _completely_ don't deserve this!"

"Oh man," Ford said, exiting the RV with the others. Him and Fiddleford were holding hands. "We're not gonna have to help clean this up, are we?"

"Nah, Ria should take care of it," Stan waved it off. "Where is Ria, anyway?"  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Ria was still in the corn maze.

"Okay, Ria. Remember what your grandpa taught you," Ria said to herself. "When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move." She paused. " _Don't...move...!_ " She paused again. "You know, I would make a really good scarecrow."


	17. Fidds and Bella vs The Future

Ford was sleeping in his bed. He opened his eyes and screamed.

" _Mornin', Stanford, guess who!_ " Stan said in a different voice. He had glued two googly eyes to his chin.

"Oh, what joy." Ford sighed. "If it isn't Mr. Upside-downington. How long has it been? Third grade, maybe?"

" _That's_ _right._ " Stan grinned. " _And_ _I'm_ _here to deliver you an upside-downington-tastic message!_ "

"Is it the message that we're getting too old for this sort of thing?" Ford asked.

"Well, not exactly," Stan answered. He ran over to the other side of the room and pointed at a calender on the wall. "It's the message that Graunty Mabel and Grunkle Dipper's birthday is exactly one week from today, and we're going to throw them the most fantabuously-amazing birthday party ever!"

"What? It is?" Ford sat up. "I didn't know their birthday was coming up. How old are they turning?

"I dunno, 100?" Stan guessed.

"Wait, are you sure they even want a party?" Ford asked with a frown. "I mean, they don't get along really well."

"That's the beauty of a surprise party, Sixer." Stan grinned. "You can't say no to something you don't know about!"

"I dunno, the last time we tried throwing a surprise party for someone, it didn't turn out well," Ford reminded his brother.

"Yeah, but Graunty Mabel _loves_ parties," Stan said. "Trust me, Ford, everything will be fine. This will be the best party ever!"

Ford started laughing.

"I'm sorry, I just can't take you seriously with that face on your face," he chuckled.

" _What face, Stanford?_ " Stan asked.

"You're- you're doing the voice, so you obviously know what I'm talking about-" Ford began with a laugh.

" _Bi bon't bnow bhat bou're balking about!_ " Stan retorted. The two twins laughed, walking out of the room.

"There's something wrong with you," Ford chuckled.

"There's something wrong with both of us!" Stan grinned.

* * *

Stan and Ford stood in the living room, a decorated model of the Mystery Shack on the table.

"Alright, party planners," Stan began. "In one week Graunty Mabel and Grunkle Dipper become even older, and our summer vacation winds to an end. So we need to throw the greatest party of all time! I'm talking piñatas with tinier piñatas inside."

"Boom, dreams coming true!" Ria said as she poured a bunch of mini piñatas inside a bigger piñata.

"I'm talking inviting everyone in town!" Stan grinned. He took a notepad and tapped a pen against his chin. "Let's see, where do we stand with the fairies?"

"They tried to force you to marry them." Ford rolled his eyes.

"Oh dudes, we should totally rent out the Gravity Falls High School gym!" Ria suggested. "That place is empty all summer long, and there would be a lot more space!"

"The gym's a great idea, Ria!" Stan smiled. "To the high school!"

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Mabel asked, entering the room.

"Nothing!" Stan shouted, quickly hiding the party supplies. "Just talking about... stuff."

Suddenly the entire house shook, startling everyone.

"Ford, my face is on fire!" Dipper yelled from the other room.

"I'll just be a sec," Ford said before running into Dipper's room. "Great Uncle Dipper, are you ok?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine," Dipper said. He was wiping his smoking face off with a towel. "I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly."

"But your face _is_ on fire..." Ford pointed out.

"Yes, it's much faster than shaving," Dipper explained, patting out the smoke. "Now, listen, Ford. I have a very important mission, and you are the only one who can help me." He pulled out the rift and showed it to Ford. "Remember the rift in dimensional space-time I showed you? It's cracking." He pointed at the crack in the glass. "This is what Bill has been waiting for. If it breaks, it will cause reality as we know it to completely unravel. A hypothetical and catastrophic event I call _Weirdmageddon_."

Ford stared in horror at a chalkboard with detailed drawings of _Weirdmageddon._

"Bill is out there, and he'd use any trick, from deception to outright possession, to make this happen," Dipper said. "But for the sake of humanity, we mustn't let it."

"What do we do?" Ford asked.

"We patch the rift," Dipper answered, locking the rift in a protective case. "I'll explain on the way."

"But I was actually kinda busy..." Ford frowned, torn between the two options.

"It's ok, Ford," Stan said, appearing in the doorway. "You should totally go with Grunkle Dipper to save the world or whatever."

"Are you sure?" Ford asked.

"We're gonna be doing stuff for the _event_ all week." Stan shrugged. "Plus I packed us walkie-talkies!" He held up two backpacks. "One for my secret mission, and one for your _special_ mission."

The two twins laughed. Dipper cleared his throat, catching their attention.

"I did mention that the fate of the universe is at stake, didn't I?" He asked. "Hurry, we don't have much time."

He left the room, leaving Stan and Ford alone. Ford took the backpack from his brother and slipped it on.

"Okay, Stanford," Ford said to himself. "It's your first big mission with Dipper. A chance to prove yourself. Don't mess this up." He made to leave but ran into the wall. "Ow! Ah, heh heh, I'm alright." He laughed nervously and ran out before tripping. "Ahh!"

* * *

Ed and Daryl chuckled as they flicked letters off of the sign outside the high school, which read 'SAWDUST INHALATION DRILL- 8:00. GO FIGHTING BEAVERS.' Ria and Stan entered the gym to be greeted with a crowd of students.

"Woah, Ria, I thought you said this place was empty," Stan said, looking around and clutching a pile of fliers to his chest.

"My dawgs!" Dan called from his place in line. "What's up?"

"Dan!" Stan grinned and ran over to the boy. "What are you doing here?"

"Ugh, high school registration," Dan groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself," Stan stated proudly. "Would you say your experience is more rom-com or wacky romp?"

"More like teen horror film," Dan scoffed. "High school is the worst. Classes get super hard, your body flat-out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you!"

He gestured to two girls growling at each other, then to Toby, who was panicking in a fetal position, and then to Stacey, who was angry punching the wall.

"Why aren't they singing about following their dreams?" Stan frowned. "TV taught me that high school is like some sort of musical."

"TV _lied_ , man!" Dan exclaimed, grabbing Stan by the shoulders. "If you could avoid growing up, do it. I'd give _anything_ to be thirteen again." He smiled lightly. "Anyways, what are you guys doing here?"

"Oh, well, we were just looking for a place to have Mabel and Dipper's birthday party and mine and Ford's going-away party," Stan explained happily.

"Daniel... Borduroy?" A teacher called out, squinting at a clipboard. "I-I mean Corduroy?"

The students laughed and snickered at Dan, who furiously turned red.

"See what I mean?" He grumbled, walking up to the teacher.

Stan soon exited the gym with Ria, speaking into his walkie-talkie.

"Swinging Stanley to Flippin' Ford," he spoke. "We can have the event at the gym. But I think we might have to talk about high school afterwards."

His twin's voice broke through the walkie-talkie, accompanied by hissing and static.

_"_ _I'm_ _going through a bad patch, Stanley. We'll talk when_ _I_ _get back!"_

"Ford? Come in, come in?"

He sighed, sitting down on the stairs.

"Hey, it's ok," Ria comforted. "Ford's busy, that's all. Let's go pass out some invites. What about your friends, huh?"

"Yeah!" Stan grinned. "Gotta make sure everyone comes to celebrate!"

Him and Ria piled into the truck, driving away.

* * *

 

Ford and Dipper were walking up a hill, the cliff visible in the distance. Ford was hitting his walkie-talkie, trying to get it to work.

"Listen, Ford," Dipper began, drawing the boy's attention. "In order to seal the rift for good, it's going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on Earth. Something... extraterrestrial in origin."

"W-what do you mean?" Ford asked.

"Ford, look at the peculiar shape made by those cliffs," Dipper instructed, kneeling next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Does it remind you of anything?"

"Hmm..." Ford looked thoughtful. Dipper smiled, jingling a key chain and holding the UFO-shaped chain in front of the cliffs. Ford gasped and his eyes widened. "No. Way."

"According to my research, the entire valley of Gravity Falls was formed when an extraterrestrial object crash-landed here millions of years ago," Dipper explained, standing up. "Did this craft cause the town's strange properties? Or did the town's strange properties attract the craft? The answer is still unknown."

"But- but that's crazy!" Ford squeaked. "Where did the saucer go?!"

"Sometimes the strangest things in the world are right under our noses." Dipper said. He pushed away a rock, revealing a metal entrance. "Or our feet, in this particular instance." He pulled out a strange gun. "Now you might wanna stand back. This magnet gun can rip the fillings out of a man's mouth from 100 feet."

Ford took a step back as Dipper used the magnet gun to tear the metal door out of the ground.

"Woah!" Ford exclaimed.

"I used to raid this thing for parts for years." Dipper grinned. "Where do you think I got the materials to build the portal?"

"You- I- words- not working for mouth," Ford stuttered out, tugging on his hair as he looked into the entrance.

"Come on," Dipper urged. "Take this." He threw Ford a magnet gun, who struggled to catch it. "Don't worry, I've  been down here countless times. All the aliens have been dead for millions of years." He began to climb down the ladder before popping up again. "Probably."

Ford took a deep breath and followed his uncle down into the craft.

"I can't believe there's been a giant UFO under the town this entire time," Ford said in amazement. Dipper chuckled.

"I wish my mind could be where yours is now, Ford." He grinned. "When confirmation of extraterrestrials still had that _punch_. Now it's just sorta... eh." The reached the main part of the ship. "Chiu and I used to come down here all the time to raid their tech and study their language."

"This is so cool!" Ford said. He took a selfie with the alien symbols and laughed.

"The substance we need to seal the rift is an alien adhesive," Dipper explained, "Strong enough to keep the hull of a spacecraft together. Just one dollop of this adhesive should be enough to seal a crack in space-time. Also, if it touches you it will seal up all the orifices in your face, so," he cocked the magnet gun, "try to avoid that. Now, use your magnet gun and follow me. Hop!"

He used the magnet gun to climb down a metal pillar.

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford cried, running to the edge.

"Your turn!" Dipper called. "Say 'Hop!' It helps!"

"Okay. Just turn on magnet, leap down hole," Ford murmured. "Turn on..." He struggled to turn on the gun. "C'mon already." The gun turned on and flashed with power. "Magnet." He jumped into the hole, grunting as he did so. "Ah!" The magnet pulled and stuck him to the ceiling. "A little help?"

* * *

 

Stan knocked on Fiddleford's door. The boy answered, a raccoon by his feet and Bella standing behind him.

"Oh hi, Stan!" Fiddleford smiled. "Yer just in time fer our 1:00 book talk."

"It's _suuuuuch_ a good book!" Bella squealed, holding the book to her chest.

"If you think that's exciting..." Stan grinned and handed them a flier. "Boom! Dipper and Mabel's birthday jam!"

"Oh, their birthday's on the last day of summer..." Fiddleford frowned, looking at the flier. "I'm uh, not gonna be here."

"What?!" Stan cried.

"I'm movin' out to my mom's place, actually..." Fiddleford scratched the back of his head. "Permanently."

"You're WHAT?!" Bella screamed, turning to look at her best friend. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I was tryin' to find a good time te tell ya." Fiddleford looked away sheepishly. "I'm really sorry, Bella..."

The teen slowly began to cry, dropping the book she was holding. The two boys tried to comfort her, but it was proving difficult.

* * *

 

Dipper and Ford were wandering through the spaceship.

"This is their storage facility," Dipper explained. "This place would have been heavily guarded, but now everything's defunct. Go ahead, flip any switch. They've all been busted for millions of years."

Ford reached out to press a button a few times.

* * *

 

Up on the surface, a hole opened in the ground and a barn fell in. The farmer guy looked over at a cow near where the barn had just been.

"Clara, did you eat my farm?" He asked.

* * *

 

"The glue should be around here, so keep your eyes peeled," Dipper warned. He glanced over at Ford. "Stanford, let me ask you something. Have you thought much about your future?"

"No, not really." Ford shrugged. "I mean, beyond graduating high school with a high GPA so I can get accepted to a good technical college with a photography and media production minor to start my own ghost hunting show."

Dipper began to laugh.

"It's like talking to a younger version of myself," he said as the two of them began searched through some panels. "If you're so sure about what you want in life, why wait? Why put up with the drudgery of school?"

"Trust me, I'd love to fast-forward through the whole thing." Ford chuckled. "But it's not like I have a choice."

"Ford, I've been thinking." Dipper sighed. "My birthday is coming up, and it reminded me that I'm getting too old to investigate Gravity Falls on my own. I need to train an apprentice to help me fight monsters, solve mysteries, and protect this town. And I think I'd... I'd like to keep it in the family."

Ford dropped a panel in shock.

"What are you saying?" He murmured.

"I've read your additions to my journal, and I'm impressed with your potential," Dipper explained, holding up the third journal. "What would you say to staying in Gravity Falls after the summer ends and becoming my apprentice?"

"W-what about school?" Ford asked.

"Stanford, I have _twelve_ PhDs." Dipper grinned. "Your parents would be thrilled I could give you such an advanced education."

"There's also Stan." Ford sighed. "He'd be all alone in New Jersey."

"Stan will be fine on his own," Dipper assured. "He has a tough personality. I saw him nearly punch a kid just for laughing at you and Fiddleford."

"Gosh, we've never really been apart before..." Ford bit his lips nervously.

"And isn't it suffocating?" Dipper asked. "Ford, can you honestly tell me you never felt like you were meant for something more?"

"I-I dunno," Ford said. "Sounds like a dream come true, but I'm not sure I have what it takes. I was tricked by Bill, I was wrong about Mabel's portal. Heck, I can't even operate this magnet gun right."

He accidently turned on the magnet gun, and a metal panel stuck to it. He struggled to get it off, not noticing the pink substance on the other side.

"Yes!" Dipper cheered. "Ford, you found the adhesive!"

"I did?" Ford's eyes widened in shock and he looked at the panel.

"Oh boy, you really did it, kid." Dipper grinned. He took the panel and kneeled next to Ford. "Huddle in, let's get a picture of this."

They heard a loud noise from the room. Dipper stood up, holding out his gun.

"Uh, Great Uncle Dipper?" Ford whispered. "You said everything in here is dead, right?"

"Yes, unless somehow we reactivated the-" Dipper gasped. "Security system!"

Two large metal spheres appeared, and Ford assumed they were the security droids.

"What do we do?!" Ford cried.

"Listen to me very carefully: I've studied these; they're security droids and they detect adrenaline," Dipper explained. "You simply have to not feel any fear and they won't see you."

" _What?!_ " Ford screamed.

"It's ok! I've done it before," Dipper assured. "Just take a deep breath, focus on your intelligent, and control your fear."

"Huh-wha-wha-wha- that's crazy! I-" Ford stammered fearfully.

"Follow my lead!" Dipper ordered.

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford cried.

"Ford, _focus_!" Dipper yelled. The droid measured Dipper's heartbeat and saw it to be calm. It then moved on to Ford and saw that his heartbeat was very quick.

"Wha- I-uh. I-I-uh..." Ford panicked. The droid produced a gun and aimed it at Ford. "I can't!"

"Get down!" Dipper shouted, tackling Ford and dodging the flash from the gun. Dipper stood up and shot down one droid, but he got hit by a flash in his arm. He grunted, falling to the ground. Several metal arms appeared from the droid, wrapping around Dipper and pulling him towards the droid.

"Wait, no!" Ford cried. He tried to run after his uncle, but he ended up tripping.

"Stay back!" Dipper ordered. "It's too dangerous! Sealing the rift is what's important now! Take this!"

He pulled the rift out of his coat, sliding it to Ford before he got trapped in the droid.

"You're gonna have to do it without me!" Dipper yelled. "Use the adhesive! Fix the rift! Save the universe, Stanford!"

The droid flew off into the tunnels, Dipper trapped inside of it.

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford cried, running after the droid. "Hang on, I'm coming for you!" He slipped the rift into his backpack and zipped it shut. "Don't worry! I'll get you out of there!"

The droid melted into a saucer, becoming clear.

"Where is that thing taking you?!" Ford asked. A purple glowing map appeared, zooming in on several circles.

"It's an automated prison droid!" Dipper said. "And wherever it's going, I'm not coming back!"

"What?!" Ford cried. He gasped as the roof opened up to the outside. Two metal arms carried the saucer and Dipper to the center of the room. A purple alien countdown began. "No, no, no... don't worry, I'll think of something!"

He ran after Dipper.

"Ford! What on earth are you doing?!" Dipper shouted fearfully.

"Hold on, Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford yelled, wrapping duct tape around the magnet gun and his hand. The saucer Dipper was in hovered below the exit. "I'm getting you out of this, one way or another!"

He aimed the gun up at the saucer and tried to turn it on, but it didn't work.

"Oh no!" Ford moaned. He punched the gun a few times, emitting sparks from the machine. The alien countdown reached zero and the saucer with Dipper inside began to leave. "Come on, come on!"

The magnet gun finally turned on, sticking Ford to the saucer. Dipper stared in horror from inside as the saucer took off. Ford screamed as it broke through a metal grate and into the sky. Once it was high in the sky, it started flying off. Ford grunted, punching the saucer.

"Let go of my uncle!" He yelled.

He screamed again as the saucer shook and beeped. It began to swerve, flying through the crack in the cliffs, through the waterfall, and crashing through the water tower. The saucer bumped suddenly, knocking Dipper unconscious.

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford cried. "Ok, let's try... magnet pulse!"

He twisted a knob on the magnet gun. The saucer crackled and flashed with electricity before crashed down in the woods. Ford laid on the ground behind it, moaning and bruised. He stood up, gasping and running to the droid.

"Oh no!" Ford cried, pounding on the glass. "Oh no no no no!" He forced the window open and dragged out the still-unconscious Dipper. "Come on, wake up, man! We gotta get out of here before-"

Ford jumped as he noticed the security droid behind him. He spun around as the droid began to scan him.

"Hey, uh, I'm warning you!" Ford yelled, holding the gun up in front of him. "I have a magnet gun!" An even larger gun came from the droid, aimed right at Ford. "Oh yeah?! You think you can scare me?! Do your worst! Nothing in this universe is gonna take away my uncle! So go ahead! Give me what you've got!"

The droid measured Ford's heartbeat and saw that it was normal. It put the gun away before turning off and falling to the forest floor. Ford panted, lowering the magnet gun. Dipper laughed behind him and slowly sat up. The old man coughed a bit before laughing again.

"Oh, I thought I was a goner, kid." Dipper coughed.

"Oh!" Ford dropped the magnet gun and ran over to his uncle. "Are you ok? What happened?"

"The- the orb didn't detect any chemical signs of fear," Dipper explained as he leaned on Ford. "It- it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled."

He chuckled lightly

"I... I did it?" Ford asked, astonished.

"You did it." Dipper nodded proudly. Ford approached the droid, looking at his reflection. "This is what I was talking about. How many other thirteen-year-olds do you think are capable of doing what you've just done?"

Ford frowned in confusion, turning to help Dipper out of the ditch.

"Listen to me, Ford," Dipper said. "This town is a magnet for things that are special. And that includes you and me. It brought both of us here for a purpose! Stay here with me, Ford. Become my apprentice. Don't let anyone hold you-"

Dipper began to cough again. Ford held out his hand, smiling.

"I'll do it," Ford said. "I'm gonna stay."

"Excellent!" Dipper grinned, taking Ford's hand as the boy pulled him out of the ditch. "Now who wants to go save the world, _apprentice_?"

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Bella, Stan, and Fiddleford were in the Mystery Shack attic in Stan's room. Stan and Bella sat on his bed, and Stan was trying to comfort the crying girl. Fiddleford sat in the corner on Ford's bed, wrapped in a fetal position as he glanced sadly at his best friends.

"Now I _really_ don't want summer to end." Bella hiccuped, hugging her boyfriend tightly.

"Yeah, but it has to," Stan said softly.

"Bella, I really am sorry-" Fiddleford began, but Bella whined and buried herself deeper into her shirt. Just then, Ford burst into the room, tossing his backpack next to Bella's by the door.

"Stanley! I just had the best day of my life! UFOs are real and there's one under the town and I saved Great Uncle Dipper's life and- and..." Ford trailed off upon noticing the scene. Fiddleford, curling up on his bed, Stan giving Ford a slightly-angry look, and Bella, who was crying. "What's up with her?"

"Fiddleford is... moving away," Stan answered carefully.

"What?" Ford's eyes widened as he turned to look at his boyfriend. Fiddleford squirmed slightly, looking down.

"Ah'm goin' to my mom's," he explained quietly. "She lives in another state, but the school system is real great! It's a wonderful opportunity fer me..."

"Well it's a _horrible_ opportunity for me!" Bella screamed suddenly, standing up. "When summer ends, Stan and Ford are going home, and I lose two of the three only close friends I've ever had! You're the only friend I have left, and now _you're_ leaving me, too?!"

"Bella, Ah've been a'thinkin' 'bout it," Fiddleford began, his accent becoming prominent. "Ah won' be gone ferever, ok? We can visit each other, an' we can chat online; we'll make it work!"

"I don't _want_ it to work." Bella sniffed. "I just want summer to last forever."

"But it can't, Bella." Fiddleford frowned, walking over and putting an arm around her. "Things ain't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part'a growin' up. Things change. Summer ends..."

Bella looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She yelled, running off and grabbing a backpack as she ran out the door. Fiddleford yelped as he fell over, and Stan and Ford jumped up from their spots on the beds.

"Bella, wait!" Stan yelled. "Come back!"

"Oh, banjo polish," Fiddleford groaned.

* * *

 

Bella ran through the woods, sobbing. She sat down under a tree, removing her glasses and setting them next to her.

"Oh, now my glasses are a mess," she moaned, drying her face on her shirt and attempting to clean her glasses, only to result in wet smudges from her tears. "I need a Beanie hug." She started digging through the backpack. "What the-? Notebooks? Chewed up pens?" She looked at the exterior, mentally noting the dull brown instead of bright blue. She groaned, pushing the backpack away from her. "Wrong backpack. I wish summer could just last forever."

She curled up, her arms around her legs and her face buried in her arms. Her glasses sat next to her on the forest floor.

"That might be possible!" A familiar voice called.

"Go away!" Bella shouted angrily, not looking up.

"B-B-B-Bella, it's me."

"Huh?" Bella finally looked up, glancing around at the blurry surroundings. "Who's there?"

"I-I-I can help." Blendin walked into the clearing, adjusting his camouflage suit. Bella squinted at him, putting her glasses on and then seeing him clearly.

"The time travel guy?" She murmured, rubbing away her tears. "W-what are you doin' here?"

"You said you don't want summer to end, right?" Blendin asked. "D-did-did I hear that right?"

"Yeah... why?" Bella asked.

"Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out," Blendin said. "It's called a time bubble, and it prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!"

"R-really?" Bella asked, perking up slightly. "How does it work?"

"I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from Mr. Pines," Blendin said. He pressed a button on his watch, showing a hologram of the rift. "Something small, he won't even know it's missing."

"Huh." Bella frowned, looking through Ford's bag. "Maybe Ford's got something like that in his bag."

* * *

 

Ford walked sadly into the basement and passed Dipper.

"Let me guess," Dipper spoke. "Stan didn't take it well?"

"Actually, I never got around to telling him." Ford frowned. "Bella ran off because of an argument between her and Fidds. He said she should come back soon, so I figured I'd come down here."

"Well right now, we need to focus on the mission," Dipper said. "I've got the glue. Hand me the rift and let's make history."

Ford reached into the bag he had yet to notice was blue and pulled out a purple octopus Beanie Boo.

"What?" Ford frowned and then realized. "Oh no! THE RIFT!"

* * *

 

Bella pulled the rift out of Ford's backpack, staring at the space inside.

"Huh. That's... strange." She frowned and held it out to Blendin. "Is this it?"

"Yes that's it!" Blendin hurried. "Just hand it to me and I'll do my thing! Unless you're ready for Fiddleford to _leave_ Gravity Falls?"

"Just a little more summer..." Bella murmured, not quite registering what Blendin had said. She handed it to Blendin and the wind slowly picked up. They stood there for a minute before Blendin dropped the rift.

"Oops," He smirked, stomping on the rift.

"What?!" Bella cried. Blendin laughed maniacally, removing his goggles to reveal glowing yellow eyes.

Bill Cipher.

"Oh no!" Bella screamed. She didn't know what had happened, but Bill was involved. It _had_ to be bad. "Wait wait wait!"

Bill snapped Blendin's fingers, making Bella fall unconscious. Bill laughed again, exiting Blendin's body.

"At last!" Bill cackled, his voice echoing. "At long, long last! The gateway between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has finally come to pass! The day has come! The world is finally mine!"

He laughed louder as the rift tore in the sky, opening up to the Nightmare Realm.

The townsfolk looked on in fear and concern.

Dipper and the remaining kids ran out of the shack, Fiddleford clinging fearfully to Ford's hand.

"What's going on?!" Ford cried.

"What the heck is that?!" Stan screamed, looking at the rift in the sky.

"We're too late!" Dipper yelled. "It's the end of the world."

The boys looked on in fear as Bill rose into the sky, laughing evilly.


	18. Weirdmaggedon: Part 1

Bill floated in the sky, laughing evilly below the tear.

"Oh, it's happening. It's finally finally happening!" Bill laughed as muscle fibers encased him. "Physical form? Don't mind if I _DO_!"

He was surrounded by a metal pyramid and disappeared in a bright flash.

* * *

 

Blendin woke up in the woods.

"Huh? What just happened?" He looked to see Bella, still unconscious, being lifted into the air. She was surrounded by a bubble with a cat face on it, which was then covered in chains. "Oh. Oh man. This is bad! This is real bad! Guys, we've got a situation!"

He spoke into his watch and then pressed a button, vanishing.

* * *

 

Meanwhile downtown, the citizens were panicked and confused as they looked towards Bill, who was a dark black.

" **Alright, listen up you one lifespan, three dimensional, five sense skin puppets!** " Bill said loudly, floating towards the ground. " **For one** trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity!"

He turned yellow again before melting the statue of Nathaniel Northwest with a laser beam from his eye. The people screamed and gasped.

"Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends!" Bill cackled. He named the monsters as they fell out of the tear. "8 Ball! Kryptos! The being whose name must never be said! Haha, what the heck. It's Xanthar. Then of course there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire, and these guys." He motioned to a group of flying eyeballs. "This is our town now, boys!"

Bill and his friends laughed evilly.

"Now see here, you unholy triangle fella!" Tyler yelled, stepping forward. "As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here!"

The town yelled out in agreement.

"I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist I welcome your tyrannical rule." Pacifica smiled sweetly. "Perhaps I could be one of your, uh... horsemen of the apocalypse?"

"Mom!" Preston cried, glaring at her.

"Not now, honey," Pacifica said, holding up a finger. "The grown-ups are talking."

"Oh wow, that's a great offer," Bill said. "How about instead I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?"

Bill snapped his fingers and Pacifica's face became switched and messed up. She screamed in pain as Preston backed away in horror. Bill laughed as people ran away screaming. A flying eyeball flew over and froze Ed, who fell as a statue into Daryl's arms.

"Edwin! My precious Edwin!" Daryl sobbed. He yelled out as the eyeball bat carried Ed away.

"It's time we do a little redecorating!" Bill said. "I could really use a castle of some kind!" He lifted his arms and a pyramid floated into the sky. "And how about some bubbles of PURE MADNESS!" A bunch of giant, colorful bubbles appeared. One passed over the farmer guy, who screamed and tore off his shirt. "This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO WEIRDMAGEDDON!"

* * *

 

Dipper, Ford, Stan, and Fiddleford stood outside the Mystery Shack, watching the madness ensue.

"So this is how the world ends," Dipper said. "Not with a bang, but with a... _beep-boop._ "

"Weirdmageddon," Ford murmured. The ground shook as animals and monsters scattered from the woods around and over Dipper and the kids. Ford got knocked over by a deer and yelled out.

"Move it, stretch!" A gnome yelled.

"Hey, we're scampering here!" A second gnome shouted. Fiddleford pulled Ford to his feet.

"The rift is shattered," Dipper said. "Bill's world is spilling into ours, and every minute his powers grow stronger."

"Wait, rift?" Stan asked. "What the heck are you guys talking about?"

"Bella! The rift must have cracked inside her backpack!" Ford cried.

"What?! She could be hurt!" Fiddleford yelled. "Ah have'ta find her!" He ran off, pulling out his phone and trying to call Bella. "Bella? Bella!"

"Fidds, wait!" Ford quickly grabbed Fiddleford's hand, effectively stopping the boy.

"Everyone, listen to me," Dipper spoke. "We can find Bella soon, but first we have to stop Bill. If we can blast him back through the rift he came out of, we just might be able to stop him before his weirdness spreads across the entire globe."

"Is defeating Bill even possible?" Stan asked worriedly.

"I'm not sure," Dipper admitted. "But being a hero means fighting back even when it seems impossible. Will you follow me?"

"To the ends of the Earth," Ford said, and the other two nodded in agreement.

"Good. Because that's where we're going," Dipper said. "You also might want to step inside."

Dipper and the kids hurried into the shack as a colorful wave approached.

"Weirdness wave!" A fairy shrieked. The wave washed over the Mystery Shack and the town, including Ria's house. The barbecue in her yard came alive and ran off.

"Ah! Abuelito!" Ria cried from her window. "A tidal wave of madness just went over us!"

"Ah Ria, such an imagination," Abuelito said. Ria turned around and screamed.

"You turned into a chair!" She yelled, staring at her chair grandpa.

"Why don't you have a seat and relax?" Abuelito suggested.

"But what about you?" Ria asked. "And my friends?"

"I'll be fine," Abuelito assured. "You go help the others."

"When the universe is broken, only one handywoman can fix it." Ria adjusted her hat and kissed Abuelito where his cheek would be before running off. "I'm coming for you, friends!"

"Time for a nap," Abuelito said and reclined.

* * *

 

Mabel was nailing a sign to a tree near the Mystery Shack. Waddles, who was standing on a rock, grabbing the tassel on her fez and started chewing on it.

"Ah!" Mabel yelled, tugging her hat away. "Waddles! Time out, now!"

The weirdness wave washed over them, making Gompers grow to be bigger than the trees.

"...On second thought, I'm gonna run like a coward now," Mabel said. She ran off, screaming. Waddles oinked loudly and slowly walked off.

* * *

 

The weirdness wave washed over the arcade, bringing the video games inside to life.

* * *

 

Meanwhile at the prison, the prisoners were gathered in a room while a man looked at the paintings on the wall.

"Okay, inmates, time to review your finger paintings," the man said. "Good. Nice." He gasped upon seeing the last painting, which was Buddy's. The boy had torn the paper, stuck a knife in it, and had painted 'Revenge' in the center and 'Love' next to a picture of Bella. The man sighed, pinching his nose. "Buddy, does this look like someone who's ready to re-enter society?"

"Buddy's unappreciated in his time!" Ghost Eyes yelled.

"Oh Ghost Eyes, you're makin' me blush," Buddy giggled.

"Buddy! Buddy!" The prisoners chanted.

Buddy crossed his arms smugly. Suddenly, Waddles ate a bit of the prison ceiling, making the rest of the wall fall down. The prisoners gasped and murmured as they looked outside at Weirdmageddon. Buddy looked at a three-headed bird that had landed on his finger. The bird screeched.

"Oh my." Buddy smiled. "Bill came through."

* * *

 

Bill and his friends were downtown.

"Ready to cause some havoc, boys?" Bill asked. They all laughed.

In the bell tower behind Bill, Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford looked out the window as Dipper readied a gun.

"Ah, my quantum destabilizer," Dipper said. "I've been waiting a long time to use this. We're only gonna have one chance to take this shot." Dipper aimed the gun at Bill. "Steady... steady... and..."

The madness wave washed over them, bringing the bell behind Ford to life. The bell laughed and rung loudly.

"I'm alive now!" The bell grinned. Dipper shot, but ended up missing and hitting only Bill's hat.

"No!" Dipper cried. They watched as Bill's hat, which seemed to be made of flesh and bones, quickly healed. Bill turned around to look at the bell tower.

"Well well well, and here I thought today couldn't get any BETTER!" Bill yelled. He shot a beam at the tower, destroying it. Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford laid in the wreckage, bruised.

"Great Uncle Dipper!" Ford gasped, sitting up. Dipper was trapped under a pile of the wreckage.

"Stanford! Take my journals!" Dipper ordered. He slid his backpack towards the boys. Journal 3 fell out and Ford picked it up. "Listen, I know of one other way to defeat Bill, it's-" He heard Bill approaching behind him. "Oh, no! Boys! Run! Get down!"

The three kids ran down the stairs, hiding from Bill's sight. Said demon floated up in front of Dipper with a pine tree symbol in his eye.

"Good ol' Pine Tree," Bill said. "I've been waiting an **_ETERNITY_** to have a chat face to face." He lifted Dipper up, spinning him around to face the monsters. "Everyone, this armageddon wouldn't be possible without help from our friend here. Give him a hand!"

Bill's friends clapped and cheered. At the bell tower, Stan climbed out of the first-floor window and then turned to help Ford and Fiddleford out.

"This brainiac is the one who built the portal in the first place!" Bill said. He looked at the angry Dipper. "Now don't look so sour, Dippy. It's not too late to join me! With that condition of yours, you'd fit right in with my freaks!"

He poked Dipper's chest, removing his sweater and revealing the binder underneath. Dipper growled, holding his coat closed.

"I'll die before I join you!" He spat. "I know your weakness, Bill!"

"Oh yeah? And I know a riddle!" Bill said, his eye turning into a question mark. He held his arms up. "Why did the old man do this?"

"This?" Dipper asked, copying the pose. Bill shot a laser at him, turning him to gold and making him fall to the ground. The kids gasped from their hiding spot. Bill picked up The frozen Dipper.

"Because I needed a new back scratcher!" Bill laughed as he scratched his back with Dipper. Ford growled angrily, stepping out onto a tree stump.

"That's enough!" He shouted, catching Bill's attention.

"Ford, what are you doing?!" Stan hissed fearfully.

"Hand over my uncle, or else!' Ford yelled, ignoring his brother and holding up the third journal.

"Now isn't. This. **_INTERESTING!_** " Bill said. He flew up to Ford, his eye shining white. Stan and Fiddleford stood behind the stump on the ground. "My old puppet and his little friends are back for an encore! You think you can stop me?" He grew a third arm, holding Dipper behind him, and held out his fists. "Go ahead, Sixer, show me what you've got."

"I... uh... I... uh..." Ford frantically flipped through the journal, holding the blacklight over it and finding a page on Bill that read 'IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM, THEN ALL IS LOST!'

"I UM I," Bill mocked. "Do it, kid. Do some brilliant thing that takes me down right now. Whattdya got, Sixer? Everyone's waiting. DO IT!"

"Arg, BILL!" Stan yelled angrily. He hopped onto the stump and jumped at Bill. He made to punch Bill's eye, but instead punched the force field in front of it and was thrown backwards into a tree. He groaned, rubbing his head.

"Stan!" Ford and Fiddleford cried, running over to the boy. Bill's friends laughed. Ford reached to grab the journal he had dropped, but Bill levitated it and the other two journals into the air next to him.

"That's right. Don't be heros, kids," Bill said. "This is what happens to heros in _my_ world."

He pointed at the journals, burning them up.

"NO! THE JOURNALS!" Ford screamed.

"Not much of a threat now, _are you_?" Bill asked. He turned back to his friends. "Now can anybody remind me why we came here?"

"To get WEIRD!" 8 Ball answered.

"That's right! Bill said. "VIP party at the Fearamid! Oh and 8 Ball, Teeth, you've earned a treat; have the kids for a snack."

"Huh?" Ford and Fiddleford said as they helped Stan up.

"'T's fine," Stan murmured, not hearing what Bill had said. "Crampelter's done worse..."

"Hench-maniacs, ROLL OUT!" Bill shouted. He turned a car into a really cool racecar-type car. Him and the other monsters piled in.

"Let's get out of here, Bill!" Pyronica cheered. They drove off towards the Fearamid, shooting lasers and laughing. The boys stared at 8 Ball and Teeth, Stan panting slightly.

"So, you wanna eat them, or something?" 8 Ball asked.

"Oh definitely, let's eat them," Teeth agreed. The three boys screamed and ran off as the monsters chased after them.

* * *

 

Tambry was on a TV, which was laying around the wreckage in an ally.

_"We are on day three in this strange cataclysmic event, which some are calling 'Weirdmageddon,' or the 'Oddpocalypse'," Tambry reported. "Weather today calls for black clouds, blood rain and frequent showers of Eyeball Bats turning people into stone. I'm Tambry Valentino, and I ate a rat for dinner."_

An eyeball bat flew by, turned a guy into stone, and carried him off towards the Fearamid. Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford peeked out from their hiding spots. They saw the light of an eyeball bat and ran into another ally, diving over a fence. Fiddleford pulled out his phone, dialing a number and reaching voicemail.

"Bella, it's us," Fiddleford spoke. "So far we haven' been caught, but we haven' been able to find you or Ms. Pines anywhere. We ain't sure if yer gettin' these messages, but wherever you are, whatever happens, we're gonna find ya."

A pterodactyl screeched and flew overhead before snatching the 'A' in the 'MALLS' on the 'GRAVITY MALLS' sign.

"The mall!" Ford pointed out. "Maybe they're hiding in there!" They ran towards the mall, but Ford just ran right into the glass door. "Oh no!"

A monster with a giant head and a hand started crawling towards the boys.

"Hey. Hey you!" The monster called. "Hey, I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to you about going inside my mouth. I-I think you wanna get in here. Hey, you, hey! I'm talkin' to you, man! You don't have to make a big deal outta this! Hello! HELLO!"

Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford forced the mall doors open. Ford and Fiddleford got through first, but Stan ended up getting caught in the doors. The monster approached the malls doors, swiping at them just as Ford and Fiddleford pulled Stan inside.

"Why are you just ignoring me?" The monster asked, reaching inside the mall. "That's seriously rude to just IGNORE someone like that!"

The boys backed into the food court, calling out for Mabel and Bella.

"Hey guys, look!" Stan pointed out a bowl of nachos on a table.

"Hm, maybe at least we can get something to eat," Ford said. "The last nachos on Earth..." He picked up the bowl, but was suddenly caught in a net. "Ah! HELP! The nachos tricked me!"

"Ford!" Stan and Fiddleford cried out.

"Ford?" Dan repeated, poking his head out of a plant.

"Dan?! Oh no!" Ford gasped. "You've been turned into some sort of... tree monster!"

"It's just camouflage, dude." Dan chuckled. "My mom made me and my brothers do apocalypse training every year instead of Christmas. Guess it's kinda cool her paranoia paid off." A bat flew by and Dan shot it with a crossbow. " _Nice_! Bat meat! Let me get that for ya."

He threw an ax at the net, freeing Ford. The boy grunted as he fell to the ground.

"Dan!" Stan grinned, running forward to hug the teen. "We're so happy to find you!"

"We thought ev'ryone was gone," Fiddleford said, helping Ford up.

"Hey, it's ok," Dan assured. "We all have each other now. And Thompson Determined, who I accidentally mistook for a monster."

"This just in: this arrow in my shoulder," Thompson said, holding his arm.

"We shouldn't stay out in the open for too long." Dan looked around. "Let me show you my hideout." He led them to the _Edgy On Purpose_ store and started cooking the bat over a fire. "We were playing Truth or Dare in the cemetery when it happened. The eyeballs froze Toby and Shandra. Ed and Daryl ran into town and Ed was frozen. I think Daryl got away, but I'm not sure." He pressed a button on the cash register he was sitting on and grabbed some money to wipe his face. "Stacey almost got away but had to pause to take a selfie. What about you guys?"

"I had just gotten back from a trip with Dipper," Ford began. "He offered me an apprenticeship, but it would mean staying here in Gravity Falls, without Stan." He glanced at his brother, who looked shocked at the news. "And after what happened with Bella and Fidds..."

"...we were in an argument when it happened," Fiddleford said quietly, rubbing his arm. "Ah was plannin' on movin' to my mom's place, across the country. They have a really good school system, but Ah would have'ta leave Bella behind. Grow up without her..."

"Oh, _dude._ " Dan frowned.

"Bella didn't take it very well." Stan continued the story, patting Fiddleford's back. "She ran off and we haven't seen her since then."

"...Come on," Dan said after a minute, standing up. "Let's go get some fresh air. Thompson, you watch the camp."

Thompson opened a curtain, revealing himself dressed in a bunch of _Edgy On Purpose_ clothes.

"Don't call me Thompson anymore," he said. "Call me Bodacious T."

"No one will ever call you that," Dan deadpanned.

"Aw..." Thompson sighed.

* * *

 

Dan, Ford, Stan, and Fiddleford were outside on the roof of the mall, each drinking a soda.

"The end of the world," Dan murmured, watching the chaos. "Man, those death metal album covers got it shockingly right."

"You know, I used to think we could get out of anything, but this?" Ford shook his head. "The journals are destroyed, Dipper is captured, and we can't find our family anywhere. Bill said it himself, there's no room for heros out here. We lost..."

"Look dudes, it's not over yet," Dan promised. "You've all beaten Bill twice before. Why is this time any different?"

"Cuz then we had Bella..." Fiddleford said softly.

"Then you need to get Bella back," Dan said, pulling Fiddleford to his feet. "Look, this summer, I've seen some amazing things, but nothing as amazing as you and your best friend. I don't know if it's dumb luck or yin and yang, or whatever, but when you two work together, there's like nothing you two can't accomplish. You just need to make up, and team up, and save the universe."

"But how will we find her?" Stan asked. A monster ate a billboard, revealing a giant pink bubble with a cat face shape on it at the cliffs.

"Look! That's a cat!" Fiddleford pointed to the bubble. "Bill called Bella 'Kitty Cat'; Bella's entire Internet name is KittyKatBella. She's gotta be in there!"

"It's as good a place to start as any." Dan grinned.

"Bella needs us." Ford nodded. "But how are we gonna get up there without getting caught?"

"I have an idea," Dan said.

* * *

 

Meanwhile at the party in the Fearamid, a group of demons were sitting in a circle and spinning a frozen waitress.

"Spin the person! Spin the person!" The demons chanted. The waitress slowed to a stop, her head pointing at Hectorgon. Pyronica gasped happily and Hectorgon flew away in fear. Pyronica caught him with her tongue and swallowed him. Bill laughed evilly from his throne.

"Go nuts, guys!" He said."When we're done partying, I unveil phase two."

Just then someone started pounding on the door.

"Open up!" A voice yelled from the other side. "This is the police! Time Police!"

The music became silent and everyone looked at Bill.

"Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch," Bill said. "Let me do the talking."

A giant triangle-shaped hole was blown into the side of the Fearamid, revealing the Time Police and Time Baby.

"Bill Cipher." Lolph stepped forward. "You are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer."

"My body is a temple!" Blendin yelled angrily. "How dare you!"

"Hear this, Cipher." Time Baby pointed at Bill.

"Ugh, _Time Baby_ ," Bill groaned and rolled his eye. Time Baby projected a hologram of the universe.

"If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence," he explained. The hologram exploded and disappeared. "Surrender now, or face my tantrum."

"Oh no, a tantrum," Bill said sarcastically. "What ever will I do about that HOW 'BOUT THIS?!"

He shot a laser from his finger, vaporizing Time Baby and the Time Police. The demons gasped. Bill's eye turned into a mouth and he blew the smoke off of his finger.

"Aw snap, he just killed Time Baby!" Kryptos said. The demons cheered and began to party again. Blendin watched from the pole he was hiding behind.

"Aw man! This has gone from bad to worse!" He moaned. "I gotta get outta time-dodge!"

He pressed a button on his watch and disappeared. 8 Ball and Teeth approached Bill.

"Boss, the kids got away before we could eat them," 8 Ball reported. "Are you afraid they might cause trouble?"

"Yeah, trouble with Bella's bubble?" Teeth asked.

"Ha! I'm not worried!" Bill waved it off. "I've got _someone on the case._ "

* * *

 

Dan, Thompson, Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford were peeking over the fence at _Gideon Gleeful's Auto-mart._

"The abandoned auto-mart," Dan said. "Free cars right for the hot-wiring. We just found our ride to Bella." The five of them rushed into the lot, looking around. "I wonder if they have a tank. I've always wanted to drive a tank!"

"Ooh, an air freshener!" Thompson noticed it hanging from a mirror. "Finally I'll smell like a person! Stealy stealy..."

He reached out to take the freshener but was hit in the head with a tranquilizer dart. He fell over before quickly standing back up.

"Ha! It's gonna take more than one dart to keep me from-" Thompson was cut off as about ten darts hit him, and he fell over.

"Oh no! Thomas!" Dan cried. "Was it Thomas? I can never remember his name."

Headlights turned on, surrounding the four boys. Three giant cars, each with prisoners inside, trapped the kids and Dan inside the circle.

"Well well, looks like we got ourselves a pair of ground walkers," a prisoner said.

"Heheh! Ground walkers!" Another prisoner snickered. "Heheh! Ain't got no wheels!"

All the prisoners laughed.

"Listen Discount Auto Warriors!" Dan began.

We just wanna make it to that bubble out east!" Ford explained. "We have no quarrel with you!"

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong!" A deep voice with a slight southern accent said. "Hands where I can see 'em!"

Dan and the kids raised their arms above their head.

"Y'all fellers ain't goin' nowhere," the deep voice chuckled.

"'Y'all'?" Dan raised an eyebrow.

"'Fellers'?" Ford frowned. His eyes widened. "Wait... Buddy?!"

"That's Sherrif Buddy!" The boy corrected as he stepped into view. He lowered the megaphone, speaking normally. "Under the authority of Bill Cipher, I place you four under arrest! Oh hi Daniel! Have we formally met?"

The prisoners held onto the four boys by their arms, leading them over to Buddy.

"Wooooo-we! Look what the apocalypse dragged in!" Buddy laughed. "Y'all are in a twelve-piece bucket of deep fried trouble now! Ghost Eyes! Spitoon!"

Said prisoner held out a spitoon and Buddy spat out his gum.

"Ugh, it's Buddy." Ford rolled his eyes.

"And he's gotten folksier." Stan grimaced.

"Ma' old pal Bill figured you might try to rescue Bella," Buddy said. "So he appointed me master of these wastelands, and keeper of the bubble! My sweet precious Bella's trapped inside and I HAVE THE ONLY KEY!" He showed them a key on a string with the cat symbol on it. "Wrapped around my... well I wouldn't call it a neck exactly, wrapped around this little pocket of fat under ma' head?"

"Buddy, you have _no right_ to keep her in there!" Ford snapped.

"Bill explained it to me nice and simple: she was always destined to be mine!" Buddy said. He took a newspaper page of when he was dating Bella out of his hair. "And now that I have her in a cage, she'll learn to love me! I have an eternity to wait! Ghost Eyes! Ready to escort our friends to Bill's dungeon?"

Ghost Eyes and another prisoner picked up the boys by the back of their shirts.

"This isn't going to work, Buddy." Dan glared.

"Oh? And why's that?" Buddy asked smugly.

"Cuz after I break Ghost Eyes' arm and steal that key from your neck, I'm gonna wear your butt on my foot like a rhinestone slipper," Dan threatened. The prisoners laughed loudly behind Buddy.

"And what makes you think you can do all that?" Buddy asked.

"'Cause I'm a flippin' CORDUROY!" Danny yelled.

He flipped over Ghost Eyes' arm, bending it backwards and making him drop Fiddleford. Stan twisted around and punched the prisoner that was holding him and Ford in the face. The prisoner cried out in pain and dropped the twins. Fiddleford dropped to the ground, tripping Ghost Eyes as he tried to chase after the boys. Dan and the kids ran off.

"Ghost Eyes!" Buddy cried. "My hench-angel!"

"Ha!" Dan grabbed Buddy by the back of his shirt and yanked the key from his neck. "Get back! Get back! Or I will dropkick him, I swear!"

Stan broke a car window behind him, reaching in to unlock the car.

"Get in!" He ushered Ford and Fiddleford inside.

"You'll never get away with this, ya hear me?!" Buddy yelled.

"Guess what?" Dan asked. "We already DID!"

He kicked Buddy into the other prisoners before hurrying in to sit in the driver's seat of the car.

"Dan, you're the coolest person I know," Ford said in awe.

"I know, dude," Dan said. "Tell me about it later."

He stepped on the gas pedal, quickly driving away.

"After them!" Buddy yelled. The prisoners piled into the cars, and Ghost Eyes carried Buddy into a car with him.

"You want your baby seat?" Ghost Eyes asked.

"Yes please," Buddy nodded. Ghost Eyes strapped him into a car seat. Buddy spoke into the microphone. "We are not letting 'em get Bella! Discount Auto-mart Warriors, roll out!"

The prisoners drove after the boys, cheering loudly.

"Ok, all we gotta do is outrace Buddy's henchmen, unlock the bubble, save Bella, an' save the world," Fiddleford said. Ford watched as Dan hit a mailbox.

"Quick question: did you ever get your driver's license?" The younger boy asked.

"Definitely not," Dan said. "Arm!"

He swerved to avoid the head monster from before, and Dan and the kids screamed. The monster grabbed a car as it passed, and the prisoner inside screamed as he was eaten.

"Swerve! Swerve!" Buddy screamed. "I can't let 'em free Bella!"

"Remind me why you're keeping your girlfriend in a prison bubble again?" Ghost Eyes asked. "Have we, the prisoners, become the wardens?"

"SHE LOVES ME!" Buddy yelled. "She just doesn't know it yet. Now quit the philosophy."

"Sorry. It _was_ my major," Ghost Eyes said. The cars were approaching a field of colorful bubbles.

"Ha! Weirdness bubbles blockin' the path!" Buddy cheered. "WOOOOWEE, we got 'em now!"

"Watch it!" Stan cried as Dan swerved suddenly. "Go around that bubble field!"

"No way around!" Dan reported. "Hold on! We're goin' through!"

"What's even in those things?!" Ford asked. They drove through a bubble and had bird heads.

" _For some reason,_ _I_ _really want_ _worms_ _right_ _now,"_ Ford chirped.

" _Eat worms! Fly south! Nest!_ " Dan chirped. The car exited the bubble and the boys were back to normal. Fiddleford coughed up some feathers.

"Oh, bein' a bird was just as awful the second time!" Fiddleford coughed.

"Here comes another one, dudes!" Dan warned. "Brace yourselves!"

The four of them screamed as they drove through the bubbles, becoming anime characters, made of meat products, and live-action.

Buddy and Ghost Eyes drove through different bubbles, becoming made of 3D blocks, dressed in dresses and makeup, and finally an old fashioned cartoon. A card reading 'AAAAAAAAAUGH!' appeared.

Once both the cars were back to normal, Ghost Eyes slammed his truck against the car, breaking the windows.

"Dan, we're almost there!" Ford pointed to the bubble. "We just have to make that jump!"

"Total lack of driver's training, don't fail me now!" Dan shouted. He sped up and jumped the cliff, the four boys inside screaming as they flew through the air. The car landed on the other side, rolling over. Once it stopped, Ford, Stan, and Fiddleford fell out onto the ground, groaning.

"So... close," Fiddleford groaned and began crawling towards the bubble. "Bella... Ah'm... almost there..."

He got stopped by a hooded figure and the boys looked up in horror. The figure removed their hood, revealing Ria. She held out a hand.

"Heya guys." She grinned. "How's it hanging?"

"Ria!" Ford exclaimed happily as the woman helped them up. Dan groaned, appearing from the wreckage.

"Ria?" He said.

"Handywoman of the apocalypse, at your service," Ria tipped her hat.

"Ria? How'd ya- where'd ya-" Fiddleford stuttered out. Ria hurried over to help Dan.

"I've been wandering the plains like a desperado, helping strangers," Ria explained as she sat Dan down. "I guess there's some folk songs about me now?" She looked over Dan's arm. "Let me see what the damage is here. Ah, well the good news is your arm is ok."

"And what's the bad news?" Stan asked.

"The bad news is we're surrounded, dudes," Ria said as the prisoners' trucks surrounded them.

"Wooowee. I dare say y'all almost had the jump on me there for a second." Buddy laughed. "But this ain't _your_ Gravity Falls anymore! Out here, _I_ win." Buddy clapped and was thrown a conch shell, which he blew into. "Bill's henchbats will be here any minute to retrieve y'all. BELLA'S MINE NOW! Hahahaha!"

Ford looked at the key in his hand, closing his fingers around it.

"Is she?" He asked Buddy, shrugging.

"Well, yeah. I have her trapped." Buddy frowned. "Ergo, Bella is MINE!"

"Buddy, listen to me," Ford spoke. "If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's that you can't _force_ someone to love you." He glanced back at Dan. "The best you can do..." he took Fiddleford's hand, smiling at the boy, "is strive to be someone _worthy_ of loving."

"An' people ain't  _property_!" Fiddleford added. "Bella can't be "your's"!"

"Oh, I'm worthy of lovin'!" Buddy argued. "These prisoners love me!"

The prisoners cheered for the youngest boy.

"But Bella doesn't," Fiddleford said. "Because yer clingy, and selfish, an' call her a girl, an' she loves someone else- honestly there's all sorts'a problems."

"But you can change!" Ford said. "Bill thinks there's no heroes in this world, but if we work together and fight back, we can defeat him."

"You wanna be Bella's hero?" Stan stepped forward, glaring at Buddy. "Stand up to Bill, and let us save her!"

"That's crazy!" Buddy whimpered. "You know what Bill would do to me if that happened?"

"What, you scared of Bill?" Ghost Eyes asked.

"No!" Buddy denied. "It's just... it's a complicated situation."

"Look inside, Buddy," Ford urged. "If all this is for Bella, then ask yourself what _Bella_ would want you to do!"

Buddy pulled out the newspaper page, looking at a picture of him and Bella together. He was smiling happily, but Bella looked uncomfortable. He sighed, speaking quietly.

"Guys... will ya tell her what I did?"

"Of course." Fiddleford nodded.

"I hope you're right about this," Buddy said and put the newspaper away. He turned to the prisoners. "Guys, new plan! Bill's minions are gonna be on us in seconds. But I'm not gonna let that dumb triangle be the warden o' me! Y'all ready for a good old fashioned prison brawl?"

"We're behind you for life, brother!" Ghost Eyes grinned.

"Fighting children is boring," a prisoner said. "Fighting a chaos god sounds fun!"

"Lets do this!" Buddy cheered. The prisoners drove towards the Fearamid. "Henchmen, rollout!

"Whew!" Ria sighed in relief. "And I thought I was gonna have to throw down!"

* * *

 

Dan, Stan, Ford, Fiddleford, and Ria stood in front of Bella's bubble.

"Ok, remember, guys," Ford said. "This is a prison bubble designed by Bill. We've got to prepare ourselves for what we find in here."

"Whatever is it, we'll do it together," Ria said. "For Bella!"

She put her hand in the center of the circle. The others did the same, repeating 'For Bella!' each time.

"For Bella," Fiddleford said softly. He took the key from Ford, stepped forward, and unlocked the chains, which fell to the ground. The five of them held hands as they entered the bubble.

 _To be continued..._  
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The one-armed monster from before was downtown.

"Anybody wanna get in my mouth?" He asked. "I'm a big mo- hungry monster- I'm a big hungry monster here! I would really appreciate it, if someone- you, ma'am, you ma'am, how would you like to get in my-" A lady screamed. "Anybod- hello! Hey, hey, sir, sir! Eh, false alarm. It's just a bird. Not one person. Not one person has... gotten in my mouth. I don't care anymore. I just..." He sighed and began to crawl away. "I gotta call my mother."


	19. Weirdmageddon 2: Escape From Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the names that aren't cartoon characters are Beanie Boos. If you want to know what they look like, just look them up.

A squirrel scampered across the road before being eaten by a mailbox. The farmer guy was nearby, holding up a triangular sign.

"End times are here, folks," he announced. "Only way to salvation is to embrace the triangular ways of our overlord. Any object with more than three sides is sinful." Womanly Wendy held up a triangular stop sign. "That's it. That's probably what Bill wants." An eyeball bat flew up and turned the screaming Womanly Wendy into stone. "I reckon I've been livin' a lie."

He screamed as he was also turned into stone and carried away by the eyeball bat.

* * *

 

In the Fearamid, Bill floated in the air as he tapped a fork against the still-gold Dipper.

"Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like, 87 different faces!" Bill announced.

"8 _8_ different faces!" The creature corrected.

"Whoa-ho, sorry - touchy subject." Bill rolled his eye and adjusted his tie. "Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens, and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony!" His last word echoed and he sat on the throne. "Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore. Probably."

The waitress from the diner groaned as she unfroze from her spot.

"Uh, my omelets," she slurred. "They- they have friendly faces..."

"Whoops. Hehe, back- back you go there," Bill said, poking the lady back into place so she'd turn back to stone. "But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! Alright boys, to the corners of the Earth. Set the world aflame with your weirdness. This dimension is ours!" Bill's friends flew out of the Fearamid. "Ah, global domination. I could get used to-" The demons smacked into an invisible shield and fell to the ground. "WHAT?!" He flew out to the shield and poked it. His touch rippled along the shield. "Hmm, this might be more complicated than I thought."

"I think I broke something," a monster groaned.

"WALK IT OFF!" Bill yelled.

* * *

 

Dan, Ria, Stan, Ford, and Fiddleford were inside Bella's bubble, and surrounded by white emptiness.

"Bella! Bella!" Fiddleford called.

"Okay guys, Bill has taken over the town and if his weirdness spreads, he's gonna take over the whole world," Ford said. "Our first step to stopping him is rescuing Bella, but he's got her trapped in this strange prison bubble."

"What _is_ this place, anyway?" Dan asked. The ground started to break with rainbow-colored cracks and broke completely. The five of them screamed as they fell through.

"Guys, if I die, I wanna die hugging!" Ria yelled, grabbing the boys in a hug.

"Ria, you're choking me!" Stan rasped. Ford and Fiddleford gripped each other's hands tightly.

"Let my body be your shield!" Ria shouted. They continued to scream until they landed on a bouncy castle.

"Huh?" Ford felt the ground beneath them. "Is the entire ground a bouncy castle?"

"Do you hear 80's music?" Dan asked.

"And does the air smell like childlike wonder?" Ria asked.

"With a hint of lemon," Fiddleford added. The five of them turned around to look through a window at a giant, bright, colorful world. Live Beanie Boos crowded the streets, which seemed to be made of soft blanket, along with various cartoon characters (mostly ponies).

"Woah..."

" _This_ is Bella's prison?" Stan asked.

"Affirmative," Dextor from _Dextor's_ _Lab_ nodded.

_"_ _It's_ _fun o'clock, everyone," an announcer said. "Today's weather_ _calls_ _for sunshine and happiness with a chance of dance parties. If you are the owner of a Minecraft mine cart with a creeper face, please come to the ice cream_ _beach_ _. Your mine cart is being towed."_

"What is this new world?" Ria asked. "Shining, shimmering, splendid!"

A blue car with DeDe and human Pinkie Pie inside drove up, nearly running over a screaming pineapple. Pinkie Pie was driving while DeDe sat shotgun.

"Welcome to Bellaland!" Pinkie Pie greeted with a wave.

"And this is worse than the apocalypse," Ford said.

"Dude, this place hurts my eyes." Dan squinted against the bright light.

"Ah, that's normal." DeDe waved it off. "Bellaland is made of colors only bees and artists can see!"

"Now who wants to go on the grand tour?" Pinkie Pie asked with a smile.

"Do we have a choice?" Ford asked.

"Nope!" The two girls answered. Ria, Dan, and the boys piled into the car before Pinkie Pie drove off.

"Bellaland is the ultimate paradise where the only rule is there are no rules!" DeDe grinned.

"Except for one rule, which is very, very serious," Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes, then became happy again. "But no one would ever mention it, so it's not worth mentioning!"

"Listen girls, we ain't here to party, ok?" Fiddleford frowned. "We just need ta find Bella an' get her out'a here. Where is she?"

"Oh, Bella lives at our next stop." Pinkie Pie giggled. The car broke through a building, hit a fire hydrant, and spun down the street.

"No rules!" DeDe cheered. The car skidded to a halt at a beach. Various people, ponies, and animals were playing and having fun.

"Now come have some food served by these cute little penguins!" Pinkie Pie offered. Ice Cube, Chillz, and Waddles (the Beanie Boo, not the pig) walked up to the people, carrying trays of food and drinks.

"Oh, score!" Dan said, taking a drink. "I'm so hungry!"

"Yeah, I haven't eaten anything other than part of my hat in three days," Ria said, taking a drink as well and pointing at her hat, which had a large tear in it. Stan smiled and took a drink for himself.

"Can you guys just hold on a second?" Ford asked. "Do you see what's happening here? Don't forget this world was created by _Bill._ " He slapped the drink out of Ria's hand as she was about to drink from it. "That punch is probably blood! And that glitter rain is probably ground up bones, or babies, or something!"

He looked up at the glitter cloud above him and gathered a pile in his hand.

"Ford's got a point," Fiddleford agreed. "We gotta be on our toes. Bill's usin' Bella's own fantasies as some trap. We need to grab Bella an' get the heck outta here."

"Oh, Bella?" Pinkie Pie spoke up. "She's at the top of the tallest tower guarded by those bacon guards."

She pointed towards two bacon guards with strong arms and spears.

"But there's _no way_ to get _past_ them!" DeDe whined.

"Leave this to me." Ria narrowed her eyes. She attacked a bacon guard from behind and started to eat him. The bacon guard screamed.

"It's happening! The moment we were trained for!" He yelled.

"Oh, don't worry, man!" The second bacon guard shouted. "I've got ya-"

He screamed as his face was punched out by Dan.

"It's now or never, guys!" The boy yelled.

Inside the entrance of the castle, a group of Beanie Boos were playing. Twinkle Toes was dancing, Trixie and Dotty were drinking tea, and Leona was skipping rope. Suddenly Ria, Dan, and the kids slammed open the door.

"This is a rescue! Everyone hit the deck!" Ford ordered. Ria picked up Twinkle Toes and threw her across the room. She then followed the boys up the stairs.

"Hang in there, Bella!" Ria called. The ground broke into the dark bedroom where Bella slept. She was curled on her side, surrounded by blankets and her glasses beside her.

"There she is!" Fiddleford pointed. "Ria, grab her! Stanford, Stanley, Dan, barricade the door!"

The boys began to do so, grabbing furniture and placing it against the door. Ria gently picked up Bella.

"Up you go, little la- well, whatever the right word is," Ria said quietly. Bella groaned, slowly waking up.

"Ria?" She said, squinting around the room. "Fiddleford? Guys?"

The bacon guards banged on the door, trying to get through.

"The bacon is coming back!" Stan yelled. "We gotta hurry!"

"Uh, guys?" Bella spoke, now standing on the floor and wearing her glasses.

"Don't worry Bella, we'll get you out of this!" Ford said, shoving against the door.

"But Ford!" Bella clapped her hands twice and everything lifted into the air. She put everything in order and sat Ria and the boys in some chairs. The bacon guards broke in and she clapped twice, making them stop and stand to the side.

"Bella, what're ya doin'?!" Fiddleford cried. "We're tryin' ta save ya from this prison!"

"This isn't a prison." Bella smiled. She clapped her hands and the room lit up. "I made this world! Well, I sorta woke up here. It's confusing."

"What do you mean?" Stan asked, frowning in confusion. Bella sat at a desk in front of a window. She turned a golden plaque around to reveal the words 'MAYOR BELLA'.

"I mean, this is my home now," Bella said. "And I don't want to be saved!"

The group gasped. A sleepy green dragon Beanie Boo bumped into the window.

"Sorry, Bella," the dragon yawned.

"No worries, Cinder," the teen grinned.

"You _what_?!" Fiddleford exclaimed.

"Look, after you said you were moving at the end of the summer for a 'better school', I figuratively wanted to death," Bella explained. Fiddleford bit his lip and glanced away. "But then I woke up in a place that gives me exactly what I wanted: an endless summer where I never have to grow up! Here the sun shines all day, the party never ends, and now that you guys are here, it's finally perfect!"

"Listen Bella, we ain't here to party," Fiddleford said. "This whole thing is insane!"

"Ugh, I figured _you_ might say something like that, Fiddleford." Bella rolled her eyes. "That's why I prepared a backup Fidds with a more supportive attitude."

A cooler-looking Fiddleford rode in on a skateboard.

"Wohoho!" He stopped by the desk and gave Bella a high five. "Yeah! Wiggity-wiggity-what's up, dude-bros? I'm Fiddsy Fresh! I like skateboarding, supporting my best friend, and punctuating every sentence with a high five! Hup!"

He held up his hand.

"Haha, neat!" Stan laughed and went to high five Fiddsy Fresh. Fiddleford cleared his throat and glared angrily at Stan. "Sorry dude, I can't leave him hanging."

He high fived Fiddsy Fresh.

"Yer dead to me, Stan," Fiddleford said.

"Trust me, you guys are gonna love it here," Bella assured. "This world always knows what you want. Sometimes even before you do!" A baby rat dropped into her arms. "Apparently I wanted a rat! Right again, Bellaland!"

"Bella, listen to yerself," Fiddleford said. "This is crazy! Ah'm sorry about our fight, an' I'm sorry things ain't great right now, but that don't mean you can just stay in here forever!"

"Hey, chillax and read a book!" Fiddsy Fresh said. "Those grow on trees here."

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, FIDDSY FRESH!" Fiddleford yelled.

"Dude, calm down," Ria said. "Fiddsy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dawg!"

Fiddleford growled at Fiddsy Fresh.

"I know it sounds too good to be true, but just give this place a chance!" Bella begged. "Bellaland knows just what you want and always provides!"

She clapped her hands and the group's clothes were fixed. A hamburger flew up to Ria and she took a bite.

"Pudding center," she hummed. "Nice!"

"Uh, actually Bella, I'm with Fiddleford on this one," Dan said. "Gravity Falls is in trouble and I think-"

He was cut off by a truck honking. A monster truck with Toby, Stacey, Shandra, Ed, and Daryl inside drove up on a rainbow outside the window.

"Dan!" The teens cheered.

"Wha- guys? You're safe!" Dan exclaimed happily.

"We've got a monster truck full of fireworks, fake IDs, and pranking supplies," Daryl said.

"Wanna drive this truck to the high school and glue this plunger to the principal's head?" Ed asked.

"Yes. Yes I do," Dan said, his eyes sparkling. "Sorry guys, I've just always wanted to do that. I'll be back in a few minutes."

He climbed into the truck and they drove away, cheering and laughing.

"See?" Bella motioned to where the truck had just been. "Every time! In fact, this place also has a big forest full of creatures and mysteries."

As she spoke, the three journals appeared in midair and dropped into Ford's hands.

"What? No way!" He exclaimed. "Stan, you wanna go explore?"

"Do I!" Stan grinned. The two twins ran off, laughing.

"Wha- Ford? Stan!" Fiddleford yelled after them.

"Don't worry, dude," Ria said, putting a hand on Fiddleford's shoulder. "There's nothing in this world that could break me from our mission."

A woman appeared in the doorway.

"Ria, _mija_ , I have returned!" The woman said.

"Holy- wait wait, Mom?" Ria gasped.

"You do not remember what I look like, so I have the body of a supermodel and the face you once saw in a lipstick commercial," the woman said. "I was never there for you, but in this world, I can be."

"You're perfect!" Ria exclaimed happily.

"It's a trap!" Fiddleford cried. "Don't go with her, Ria! No matter what she offers you!"

Ria's 'mom' held up a bag of makeup.

"Wanna give each other makeovers?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, dude," Ria said to Fiddleford. "Even if it is all a dream, I gotta do just one makeover." Ria laughed, running off with her 'mom'. "Come on, Mom!"

"Ok, this has gone far enough!" Fiddleford shouted. "Ya can't honestly think these fantasies are good fer anyone!"

"You can't argue with the results. People are happy here." Bella shrugged. "Does it really matter if it's real or not? For once, stop listening to your head and listen to your _heart_. Bellaland has something for everyone! Even you! In fact..."

A door began to open. Fiddleford blocked his view, walking off.

"Nope, ain't lookin'," he said. " _Ain't. Lookin'._ "

* * *

 

At the Fearamid, the demons were standing in front of Bill's throne, groaning.

"Alright, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound INFINITE POWER," Bill began, lightning flashing against the walls, "none of us can escape the borders of this STUPID HICK TOWN?!" He lowered himself onto his throne, "There's some kind of force field keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it?" He held up the frozen Dipper, looking thoughtfully at him. "Hmm. Maybe someone needs to come out of retirement."

His eye flashed different pages of the journals.

"Bill!" Keyhole yelled, running up to throne. "Uh, sorry, Boss, but Buddy let the Pines family escape! They're inside Bella's bubble as we speak!"

Bill laughed.

"Buddy, Bella's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created," he said, looking out a window at the bubble. "It would take a will of titanium not to give into its temptation. Fetch me Buddy, and take the rest of the day off. Things just got a little more _interesting_."

* * *

 

Fiddleford sat in front of a river in Bellaland.

" _Bum ba bum bo I'm a stuffed animal tree..._ " a nearby tree sung.

" _We're_ _the stuffed animals, teeheehee,_ " the stuffed animals hanging from its branches sung. Fiddleford angrily tossed a stone into the river. It skipped along the water, giggling as it bounced.

"Ugh, even my stone throws are perfect," Fiddleford complained. He sighed, looking at his reflection in the water. "Who am Ah kiddin'? Maybe Bella's right. It's a horror show out there. 'Least the air in here is breathable."

"Fidds, you're talking to a river," Ford said, walking over and sitting next to Fiddleford.

"Oh, hi Stanford," Fiddleford greeted. "What's up? Ah thought y'were explorin' the forest or whatever."

"Eh, Stan got bored." Ford shrugged. "It's not fun exploring by yourself. Besides, this music is really starting to get on my nerves. I think that stuff you said about this place was right."

"Really?" Fiddleford asked. "Well now we just need a plan."

"Don't worry, we'll think of something," Ford assured. He tossed a stone and it skipped before exploding and a '100 POINTS' screen popped up. "Y'know Fidds, you're really smart."

"Heh, thanks." Fiddleford blushed and smiled as Ford took his hand.

"It's a shame I have to leave at the end of the summer." Ford sighed.

"What about the apprenticeship?" Fiddleford asked.

"Ah, I'm not taking it," Ford admitted. "I hate going home to a homophobic family, but I can't leave Stan. I'd love to be able to stay here with you, though."

"You really mean it?" Fiddleford smiled softly.

"Wait a minute," Ford began. "In this place, summer doesn't end. And everyone here would be super ok with us being together!"

"Hey yeah, yer right!" Fiddleford beamed, taking Ford's other hand.

"I bet if we talk to Bella, we'd be aloud to stay here forever!" Ford smiled back. "In this place, we'd never have to move away from each other!" He stood up, offering a hand to Fiddleford. "Come on, babe! Just take my hand!"

Fiddleford reached out to grab Ford's hand, but he got stuck on something.

Babe.

Ford _never_ used pet names like that.

"Wait." Fiddleford backed away in horror. "T-this ain't real!"

The fake Ford turned into a bunch of centipedes and the sky darkened. Fiddleford screamed as it dissolved.

"You should have done that, Fiddleforrrrrd!" The tree yelled, now dark and evil. The stuffed animals each had one giant, yellow eye. "We're watching you."

"THERE ARE EYES EVERYWHERE!" The stuffed animals yelled. The sky brightened again as the girls of Mult'ple Timez rode past on a bike, greeting Fiddleford.

"Hey Fidds."

"Hey Fidds."

"Hey Fidds."

"Hey Fidds."

"Hey Fidds!"

" _Do do do_ _I'm_ _a stuffed animal treeee..._ " the tree sung, now back to normal. Fiddleford backed away, panting heavily.

"Good golly gosh. This is crazy," he panicked. He could feel his heartbeat quickly picking up. "A-Ah'm losin' my mind. We have ta get out of here. We have ta go back. To the real. WORLD!"

His last word echoed around Bellaland, causing everyone to gasp and turn to look at Fiddleford. Bella gasped, turning from her game of chess on the beach with Rebel. Two bacon guards tackled Fiddleford.

"Hey!" The boy cried out.

"Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule: mentioning reality," one guard said. The crowd muttered and mumbled. "Prepare to be banished from this world FOREVER!"

A portal to the real world opened. The guards went to throw Fiddleford through.

"BELLA! Yer smarter than this!" Fiddleford yelled. "I know ya are! Bill's got ya hypnotized or somethin'! Are you really gonna let 'em banish me?!"

"No! Of course not!" Bella cried. "That's my best friend, guys! There's gotta be another way!"

"Very well," a guard said. "If Fiddleford wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial. Of fantasy vs. reality." Ria took a bite out of the guard. "Hey! Seriously?!"

"It was him," Ria whispered, pointing to Pablo.

"And hey, put him down!" Bella ordered the guards, watching her friend. "He's having an anxiety attack, for god's sake."

* * *

 

Cartoon characters and Beanie Boos alike piled into the courtroom. Ria, Dan, Stan, and Ford sat in the front row. Bella and Fiddleford sat in two bean bag chairs behind a table in the front of the room.

"Really, Bella?" Fiddleford asked, "Yer lettin' 'em take our argument to court?"

"Hey, I didn't make the rules in Bellaland." Bella shrugged and grinned.

"Yeah you did!" Fiddleford argued. "There's a tapestry of you makin' the rules!"

"All rise!" Treetop (renamed from Safari) ordered. "For the honorable Judge Happy Felice McCreary."

A big version of Bella's pet cat Happy crawled out of the cat house and sat at the top. She banged her squeaky mallet on the top.

"Order, order!" She announced. "This trial begins right _meow_!"

She spotted a piece of string hanging and started batting at it. Treetop cleared his throat.

"Uh, Judge?" He said.

"Sorry, sorry," Happy said and cleared her throat. "We are here to try Fiddleford McGucket in the case of fantasy vs. reality." The words 'FANTASY', written in fun, bubbly writing, and 'REALITY', written like a stamp, appear next to her. "If Fiddleford wins, Bella will return with him to the real world! But if he loses he will be banished forever! And replaced with town darling, Fiddsy Fresh!" She pointed at Fiddsy Fresh, who was standing next to the cat house. "Fiddsy, come on out."

"Flip-a-Fidds-Fidds!" Fiddsy Fresh grinned, striking a pose.

"I hate him. So. Much!" Fiddleford growled, pounding the table.

"The final decision will be made by a jury of your peers," Happy said. Bella clapped twice and six more Bellas, all in different outfits, appeared in the jury stand.

"Hi there! I like your glasses," one Bella said.

"Shut up, I like _your_ glasses!" The second Bella grinned.

"We're all wearing the same glasses, guys!" A third Bella pointed out, rolling her eyes.

"Look Bella, this whole thing is ridiculous," Fiddleford said. "But if winning a trial is what it takes for you to come home with us, then so be it."

"Sorry Fidds, but I can only speak through my- what, would they be lawers, right?" Bella said. Pinkie Pie and DeDe entered wearing black, suit-like dresses. "I would have had my DexDark pair, but these two are not so stick-in-the-muddy."

"Let's hear opening statements," Happy said.

"Your honor, townsfolk, adorable Bellas of the jury," Pinkie Pie began. The Bellas in the jury began to giggle and squeal.

"My case is simple: this very boring nerd thinks that reality is better than fantasy," DeDe said. A board appeared and she tapped it with a stick. "But reality is boring, lame, and dumb."

The words appeared on the board in fun, bubbly letters.

"Objection, your honor!" Fiddleford interrupted. "That's conjecture!"

"Meowverruled," Happy said.

"I'd like to show you this 'reality' that Fiddleford loves so much, and show you how it has wronged my client, and Fiddleford, their entire lives," Pinkie Pie said. DeDe handed her a phone and she started going through the gallery. "Exhibit A. Bella's Memories." She showed them a picture of a younger Bella and Fiddleford. "Second Grade. October tenth."

"Picture day," Fiddleford murmured.

_The scene showed a young Bella and Fiddleford sitting outside_ _Gravity_ _Falls Elementary School during autumn. Bella was wearing a long-sleeved purple dress, her hair was longer, she didn't have glasses, and her arms were covered in colorful rubber bands. Fiddleford had on a coat and a hat and his nose was slightly red._

_"Boom!" Bella said, snapping another band onto her arm. "A million Silly Bandz!_ _I'm_ _gonna have the best picture ever! Oh! Do you like my new dress?"_

_"_ _It's_ _very nice," Fiddleford smiled. A young Preston Northwest walked by and stuck his gum in_ _Bella's_ _hair._

_"Have fun, weirdo," h_ _e_ _scoffed. Bella screeched, tugging at the gum, but it only got worse. The_ _other_ _kids started to laugh._

_"Ah! My hair!" Bella sobbed. "You ruined my hair! Fiddleford, what do_ _I_ _do?"_

_"Um, well, I-_ _I_ _don'-" Fiddleford stuttered, looking_ _around_ _nervously. Bella ran_ _away_ _crying. "Bella!"_

"Bella's fantasy was having a great school picture, but reality had other plans." DeDe shook her head.

"Look, that was one bad day!" Fiddleford argued.

"One of many," Pinkie Pie said. "February 14, fifth grade. Valentine's Day."

"Aw no, you can't-!" Fiddleford cringed.

_Bella_ _and Fiddleford were in class. Bella had her hair up in a ponytail and was wearing rainbow glasses. She dumped out her bag full of Valentine's cards._

_"How many cards did you get, Fidds?" Bella asked. Fiddleford turned his bag upside-down, only for a_ _single_ _piece of confetti to fall out._

_"Oh man, haha!" A fat kid nearby laughed. "Fiddleford_ _didn't_ _get any! And_ _I_ _thought_ I _was the class loser._ _It's_ _probably 'cause you like boys." He_ _raised_ _his voice. "Hey everyone, Fiddlesticks_ _didn't_ _get any!"_

_The class laughed and chanted the nickname. Fiddleford began to cry, running out of the room and tripping_ _over_ _a waste basket._

_"Haha, aw man,_ _I_ _can't_ _believe_ _you're_ friends _with that kid," the fat guy laughed, speaking to Bella._

_"_ _He's_ _a whole lot nicer than any of you!" Bella snapped, standing up._

"Hey, what's the point of all this?" Fiddleford asked. "That was in the past!"

"Dude, is your life any better now?" DeDe asked. Pinkie Pie scrolled through a few pictures. "Heartbreak." Pictures of Ford ignoring or not noticing Fiddleford. "Disaster." A picture of Fiddleford, Ford, and Stan hurt during Weirdmageddon. "Broken promises." A picture of Bella yelling angrily with tears in her eyes. "That's reality for you."

"Out there, it's nothing but heartbreak," Pinkie Pie said. "But in here..." She turned to the jury. "Who wants cupcake?!"

She pulled out a tray off cupcakes, tossing them to the Bellas. They caught them easily and started eating.

"Well, I think we're ready for a verdict," Happy said, batting the string from earlier.

"Wait! I haven't even presented my case!" Fiddleford exclaimed.

"Do you even _have_ a case?" Happy asked. Fiddleford looked over at the smug Bella sitting beside him. Fiddleford walked up to the judge.

"Yes, Ah do, yer honor," he said. "Ah call as a witness: Bella McCreary!"

The crowd gasped in shock.

"Uh, objection?" Bella tried.

"Sorry Mom, but I'm allowing it." Happy shrugged. "Us cats are natural curious."

The crowd muttered as Bella walked forward to sit in the seat.

"Bella, listen. Ah might not have all the answers," Fiddleford said. "I ain't fun an' silly." He gestured to Pinkie Pie and DeDe. "An' Ah ain't cool." He gestured to Fiddsy Fresh, who was crowdsurfing. "An' I can' make cupcakes appear out'a thin air."

He snapped his fingers. The jury began to boo him.

"But I know one thing well, an' that's you," Fiddleford continued. "An' I know that although you might act like it, you don' want ta be in this fantasy world."

"Uh, pfft, yeah I do," Bella nervously denied.

"Bella, Ah've known ya nearly yer whole life," Fiddleford said. "And Ah know yer scared. Scared'a growin' up. Ya always have been. An' who could blame you? Ah'm scared, too."

"Uh..." Bella frowned. "Uh, I'M NOT LISTENING! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!"

She pulled out the ear buds on her headset and stuck them in her ears defiantly.

"Look, real life stinks sometimes, ok?" Fiddleford said. "I ain't gonna lie. But there's a better way ta get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about ya. It's how we've gotten through our whole lives. Just look."

He held up the phone, showing a scene of during the picture day.

_Bella sat_ _crying_ _on the stool in front of the camera. Fiddleford ran up to her._

_"Bella! Ah figured out a way to fix yer picture!" He said._

_"What? You have a wig?" Bella sniffed._

_"No, but_ _I_ _got scissors," Fiddleford said. He cut off a chunk of his hair, causing Bella to laugh._

_"_ _You're_ _crazy." S_ _he_ _hiccuped and cut_ _off_ _the chunk of hair with gum in it. The two friends laughed and posed for the picture together._

Bella's frown lessened as she removed her ear buds.

_Fiddleford sat crying in the closet after not getting any Valentine's cards. He looked up as a card was slid under the door. It was all of_ _Bella's_ _cards taped together in a heart. Fiddleford picked it up, reading the words written on it._

For my best friend, no matter who you love.

_Fiddleford grinned._

"We've always been there for each other," Fiddleford said. He showed pictures of that summer, when Bella gave him a bandaid after he got hurt, when he stood protectively in front of her during danger, and when they helped each other up while running away from monsters. "Bella, Ah thought you were livin' a fantasy, but look at me! Ah actually thought Ah was gonna up an' move across the country. Leave the only friend Ah ever had just for some dumb school? How ridiculous is that? Ah don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don' have ta fear because we'll do it _together_. I ain't moving away to my mom's. We've traveled to Hell and back to get you and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up _together_!"

Bella stared emotionally at Fiddleford and the crowd muttered loudly.

"ORDER! ORDER!" Happy yelled, banging her mallet. "ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT, WHY IS THIS MALLET SQUEAKY?!"

"You really mean it?" Bella asked softly, moving to stand in front of the taller boy. "You're really staying here with me?"

"As sure as the day is long." Fiddleford grinned. "Huggles?"

He held his arms open and the crowd shrieked fearfully.

"You do this and it's all over!" Happy yelled. Bella's eyes sparkled with unshed tears. She looked down at her arms, opening them to return the hug.

"Huggles," she said quietly, smiling. She hugged Fiddleford tightly, burying her face in his shoulder.

"DON'T DO THE SPINS!" Happy screamed. Fiddleford picked Bella up, spun her around, and set her back down, the two of them laughing. A ripple came from where they stood, blowing everyone away and knocking over a bench. The Bella jury disappeared. Bella broke apart from the hug, rubbing at her eyes under her glasses.

"Man, I never noticed how bright this place is." She squinted. "And what even is this song? Where are the words?" Happy meowed in a distressed manner. "Ok babe, time to calm down." Bella clapped, but nothing happened. "Uh, why isn't this working?"

"Because your reign over this town is OVER!" Happy screeched. She turned into a horrifying pile of yarn. The rest of the crowd, excluding Stan, Ford, Ria, and Dan, all turned gray and their eyes shone red.

"We gotta get outta here!" Bella cried.

"Ev'ryone, paradise is cancelled!" Fiddleford yelled. The group ran away as the entire world turned dark. They approached a giant sleeping Gompers.

"Everyone get on!" Bella shouted. They piled onto the goat. Bella patted him and woke him up. "To freedom, Giant Gompers!"

Gompers bleated, running off through a field of food.

"Alright, guys, are you ready for this?" Bella asked. She grabbed a giant fork as they passed. "Sorry, Bellaland. It's time to burst your BUBBLE!" Gompers jumped and Bella popped the bubble with the fork. It exploded into confetti and the ground landed on the cliff. "Ugh. Y'all good, everyone good?"

Gompers shrunk down to his normal size and everyone was wearing the clothes they had before Bellaland. Fiddleford pulled Bella into a hug and the rest of the group joined.

"We missed ya, babe." Stan grinned.

"Hey Fidds?" Bella spoke after the hug broke up. "I appreciate what you said back there. But if you really want to move... I won't stop you."

"What? An' miss out on yer awkward teen years?" Fiddleford laughed. "You wish."

Bella laughed.

"Man, I was nuts back there," she said. "I mean, the real world can't be _that_ bad, right?" She and the others looked at the town, where giant Waddles was walking and the Fearamid floated in the sky. "Fffffffffff..."

Bella swore under her breath.

* * *

 

The group was walking through town. Ford and Fiddleford held hands, as did Bella and Stan.

"Where is everyone?" Bella asked.

"The whole town's been deserted," Stan mumbled in disbelief.

"Did Bill win already?" Ria asked.

"Come on guys, let's go see if we can still hide out in the shack," Ford suggested.

* * *

 

The group peered through some bushes to see the Mystery Shack.

"Yes! It's in shambles!" Ford cheered. "Just like we left it."

"Oh man, this is the first time I've ever felt _happy_ going to work," Dan laughed. They ran towards the shack, but stopped on the porch at hearing something from inside.

"Wait, what was that?" Ford asked. "Ssh..."

He picked up a nearby golf club. Dan aimed his crossbow, Ria held up her fists, and Stan put on his brass knuckles and held up a baseball bat.

"Let's get 'em, dudes," Ria said. Ford kicked the door open and they all ran in screaming. Mabel, who was holding her grappling hook, screamed along with the other residents of the shack.

"Mabel?" Stan and Ford said, shocked.

"Kids?" Mabel's eyes widened. A toilet flushed and the Multi-Bear came out of the bathroom holding a toilet paper tube.

"Just so everyone knows, we're out of toilet paper," he said. He noticed everyone staring at him. "Did I miss something?"

_To be continued..._


	20. Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls

Stan, Ford, Bella, Fiddleford, Ria, and Dan ran into the Mystery Shack, yelling. Mabel and the other inhabitants yelled too.

"Wait," Ford said.

"Graunty Mabel!" Stan and Ford cried, dropping their weapons and running to hug Mabel.

"Kids!" Mabel exclaimed. "I can't believe it! I thought I lost you two!"

"Ms. Pines!" Ria cried, joining the hug. "It's really you! I've been hugging strangers to practice for this moment."

Dan, Bella, and Fiddleford joined the hug as well.

"We missed ya, you old codger!" Dan laughed.

"I've missed you guys, too." Mabel chuckled. "It's good to have you back."

"So... what's everyone doing here?" Ford asked. He gasped as some Lilliputtians ran past him.

"Yeah, there's like, monsters and fairies," Stan said, looking around. "And is Preston wearing a potato sack?"

"Hey, even in a sack, I still look better than you," Preston snapped.

"It's... it's a long story," the Multi-Bear said.

"Hey, is anyone gonna feed me?" Larry King's wax head asked from the vents. "Larry King's disembodied wax head wants num-nums."

"We're trying to ration our food, remember?" One of Preston's friends said. Larry King started chewing on his hair. "Uh... it's happening again!"

Multi-Bear reached over and closed the vent.

"Hey everyone! Eye-bat!" Pituitaur announced, looking out the door. Everyone gasped.

"Evasive maneuvers!" A gnome yelled. Mabel slammed the door shut and grabbed the twins.

"Ssh, keep it down!" She ordered.

"Get the lights!" One fairy yelled and a gnome blew out a lantern, plunging the shack into darkness.

Outside, the eyeball bat turned a scampering raccoon into stone and carried it off.

* * *

 

Mabel lit a match and flicked it into a can fireplace, lighting up the shack and everyone hiding in it.

"Welcome to what's left of normal around here," Mabel said. "Home Base."

Thompson exclaimed in pain as a fairy pulled a dart out of his head. The girls of Mult'ple Timez were sitting in a row, bandaged and bruised.

"We have..." Hreggy D began.

" _Mult'ple injuries!_ " The girls sung. The groaned and clutched their injuries.

"Oh, ow."

"Ah, my liver, girl!"

"Ah!" Ford jumped when he turned around and saw Giffany. "Giffany?"

"Do not be afraid," the video game character said. "Weirdmageddon has taught me that there are some battles that even I cannot win."

"Ms. Pines, how did this all happen?" Bella asked.

"So I was hammering signs out back when the sky started vomiting nightmares," Mabel explained. "I listen to a lot of AM radio so I knew what this meant: the end of the world."

_Mabel ran inside the shack as the weirdness wave decended._

_"What_ _I_ _didn't_ _expect was what happened next," Mabel narrated._

_The totem pole came to life and tried to attack the shack, but a force field_ _around_ _it stopped it from doing so._

_"Turns out whatever you and my brother did to the shack with your unicorn voodoo made the_ _crazy_ _place invincible to weirdnes," Mabel said._

_The_ _totem_ _pole fell over, turning back into an object and losing its arms and legs._

"Of course, the unicorn spell!" Ford said. "That's why this is the only place Bill's magic can't touch."

"That's when Candy shows up leading a bunch of injured stragglers through the forest," Mabel continued, gesturing to Crazy Chiu. "They needed a place to stay, and since the mayor got captured, I elected myself de facto chief." She showed off her sash that said 'CHIEF'. "The plan's to stay in here and eat Brown Meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes."

"Hey! I'm short, not deaf!" The gnome leader yelled.

"Ssh ssh, stress will make you chewy," Mabel said.

"Graunty Mabel, we can't all just hide inside the shack," Ford said. "There's a town in need of saving. Dipper and I tried to do it, but... he got captured by Bill."

"Serves that jerk right," Mabel snapped, opening a can of brown meat. "My brother's had some stupid plans, but going up against an all-powerful space demon was his worst one yet. Trust me, we have everything we need right here." She sat down on a lawn chairs, the fairies fanning her and the Multi-Bear behind her. "It's not the Ritz, but at least the monsters _inside_ know how to massage." She turned to look at the Multi-Bear. "You know Shiatzu?"

"Yes, I've taken some classes," the Multi-Bear said.

"So yer really just gonna let Bill win?" Fiddleford asked.

"Look, kiddo," Mabel began. "We got a good deal here. Besides, I'm sure wherever the rest of the townsfolk are, they're fine."

She set her hand down, accidentally pressing the remote and turning on the TV.

_"This is Tambry Valentino reporting live from the inside of Bill's castle," Tambry said on the TV. "Here for the first time are images of what's happened to the captured townsfolk." The camera showed images of the_ _townsfolk_ _trapped in stone. "Viewers are advised to look away if they don't want to see their friends turned into a twisted throne of human agony."_

"Mom?" Preston gasped.

"My family!" Dan cried.

"Edwin!" Daryl sobbed.

_"Is there no one who will save the people of this town?" Tambry asked as she began turning to stone. "I'm Tambry Valentino, and I'm being turned into stone by a flying eyeball."_

_The_ _TV_ _turned to static._

Everyone in the shack gasped.

"Oh no," Preston worried. "My mom is bad, but even _she_ doesn't deserve to be turned to stone.

"Curse you, Bill!" Daryl yelled, dropping to his knees. "Why must you take everything we love?!"

He tore his shirt open and cried. Stan climbed to stand on top of the Multi-Bear's main head.

"Guys, don't you see?" Stan asked. "Our friends need us, but we can only save them if we fight back!"

He grabbed Ford's hand, pulling him up to stand beside him.

"Lee is right," Ford agreed. "Bill _wants_ us to run and hide. He wants us to think he's invincible. But Dipper told us before he was captured that he knows Bill's secret weakness."

The crowd began to mutter.

"Weakness?" Dan asked.

"Now, if we band together, if we combine all of our strength, our smarts, our... whatever Thompson has..." Ford began.

"Various rashes!" Thompson interrupted.

"Then we might just be able to save Dipper, learn Bill's weakness, and save Gravity Falls!" Ford finished. The crowd cheered loudly, and even the Multi-Bear roared in agreement.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Mabel yelled, causing everyone to grow quiet. "Have you all forgotten who's in charge here? Besides, we're only safe inside! It's not like we can take the Mystery Shack to Bill."

"Oh! Oh! I got it!" Fiddleford yelled suddenly, bouncing around. "Sorry, got a bit excited." His knee bounced and he slapped it and it stopped. "What I meant ta say is, Ah think Ah know a way ta fight Bill an' rescue Dipper! But we all gotta work together."

"Let's hear this idea o' yours!" Chiu said. She snapped her fingers and a fairy put her green glasses on her face. The kids, Ria, Dan, and Chiu huddled together, mumbling quietly.

"Don't worry, Dipper!" Ria yelled. "We're coming for ya!"

Mabel scowled, looking at her sash.

* * *

 

Dipper was in the Fearamid and slowly unfroze.

"Let me go, you insane, three-sided-!" He yelled, but quickly looked around him. "Wha- what is this place?"

He went to walk forward, but a glowing blue chain tugged at his leg. Bill began rising out of the floor, playing a piano and singing.

_"We'll meet again._   
_Don't know where,_   
_Don't know when._   
_Oh, I know we'll meet again some sunny day."_

"W-where am I?" Dipper asked.

"You're in the penthouse suite, kid!" Bill answered. "The tip of the pyramid. Have a drink." He snapped his fingers and a martini glass appeared in Dipper's hand. "Make yourself comfortable." Bill took a sip of his drink through his eye. Dipper sat down on the couch, glaring at the demon. "You know that couch is made from living human skin?"

The couch groaned as eyes, a nose, and a mouth appeared on it. Dipper screamed and jumped up. He scowled, turning to face Bill.

"Quit the games, Cipher!" He snapped. "If I'm still alive, you must want something from me!"

"Ah, sharp as ever, Dippy," Bill grinned- well, as well as he could with one eye and no mouth. "As you may have noticed... I've recently had a multi-dimensional makeover." The last three words echoed in his voice. He rearranged the furniture, including Dipper. "I control space, matter, and now that that dumb baby's out of the way, time itself! But I wasn't always this way." Dipper grunted as he and everything else fell to the floor. "You think those chains are tight?" His eye showed a two-dimensional planet, which then burned up. "Imagine living in the second dimension, flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams. I liberated my dimension, Mason, and I'm here to liberate yours." Dipper flinched at the name. "There's just one hitch." His eye projected a hologram of him pushing against the force field around Gravity Falls. "As it turns out, my weirdness can't escape the magical confines of this town. There's something keeping me in."

"Incredible!" Dipper exclaimed. "Gravity Falls natural law of weirdness magnetism! I studied this years ago."

"And did you find a way to undo it?" Bill asked.

"Of course," Dipper scoffed. "There's a simple equation that could collapse the barrier. But I'd never tell you!"

"Listen Mason, if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free," Bill said. He projected himself drawing a smiley face on the surface of the US. "Anything will be possible! I'll remake a fun world, a better world!" He then took a bite out of Earth and flew passed his friends, who were destroying other planets. "A party that never ends with a host that never dies!" Finally, he showed Dipper standing in the middle of a galaxy. "No more restrictions! No more laws! You'd be one of us. All-powerful. Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help."

"You're insane if you think I'd help you!" Dipper yelled. Bill laughed.

"I'm insane either way, brainiac!" He said. "But have it your way. I'll just fish around and get that equation directly out of your mind."

He laughed, entering the mental realm and leaving a physical form behind.

"Not so fast!" Dipper smirked. "You know the rules, Bill. You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and _let_ you in!"

Bill narrowed his eye, reentering the physical realm and sighing. Three blue chains locked around Dipper's legs and neck, holding him up.

"You're making this so much harder than it needs to be," Bill said. "Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk! It's only a matter of time."

Dipper screamed.

* * *

 

At the shack, Chiu laid out some blueprints on the table.

"Alright," she said. "I have made some thingamadiculous robomajigs in my day, but this is the first one that _won't_ be used for evil."

"Wowie! These blueprints are incredible, Ms. Chiu!" Fiddleford grinned.

"This is your most amazing invention yet!" Stan said, smiling at Fiddleford and Chiu.

"Question, does it have any gun-swords?" Ria asked. "My dad watches a lot of anime, and trust me, you're gonna want some gun-swords."

"What's an 'anime'?" Fiddleford asked.

"We have much to discuss." Ria nodded, setting a hand on Fiddleford's shoulder.

"Discuss nothing!" Mabel said, looking over the blueprints. "These scribbles are just a bunch of nonsense! And where would you even find a bunch of idiots who would be crazy enough to build it?"

"Ms. Pines, you're lookin' at those idiots." Bella grinned. Everyone cheered.

They all started working on the robot. First they traveled to the dump, and Fiddleford and Chiu pointed out the parts they needed. The others gathered up the parts and raided the dump (some of them being more helpful than others, *cough cough* Preston *cough cough*). Afterwards they started talking stuff from the shack and cutting hole for parts while Mabel tried to stop them.

"Whoa- what! What are you-? H-hey now! Hey hey! Don't touch that! Hey! Aah!"

Others were cutting the T-rex out of the sap in the mines. Ria showed Fiddleford some anime, and the boy nodded as he took notes. All the parts were put together, and someone even found the time to make a 'Take Back The Falls!' flag.

After they were all done, everyone sat outside around a campfire wearing sweaters. Stan's had a cresent shape on it, Ford's had a six-fingered hand, Bella's had a cat face, ect.

"Remind me to thank your aunt for these apocalypse sweaters, Stan." Ria grinned. "The end of the world has never been more comfortable."

Some of the others hummed and nodded in agreement. Preston sat on a log, shivering in the cold night air. Stan glared at him, his arms crossed.

"Ugh, _fine_ , I'll wear it." Preston groaned. He pulled a llama sweater out of a backpack and put it on. "But I'm not gonna like it."

"Admit it. This is the best day of the end of the world." Stan smiled. "I think we actually have a chance to beat Bill and win back our future."

"Yeah, getting to actually _live_ to see our party is the only going-away present I want right now," Ford said. Stan frowned.

"Hey, if we get through this, I'm sure the entire town will throw you guys and Dipper and Mabel the best party ever," Bella said, putting an arm around Stan's shoulders. "I'll make sure of it."

"Thanks, Bella," Ford smiled at the teen. "Hey, speaking of which, has anyone seen Graunty Mabel?"

Said woman was sitting to the side, angrily knitting a sweater and talking to Shmebula.

"This whole plan is bonkers," Mabel complained. "But of course no one asked the chief what _she_ thinks. After all I've done for everyone!"

"Shmebula!" The fairy grunted.

"Yeah, exactly, it's a total load of shmebula!" Mabel said.

"Is something wrong, Graunty Mabel?" Stan asked, walking over with Ford. "You're acting... grauntier than usual."

"It's this darn plan to save my brother," Mabel said, motioning to a board that said 'Objective: Save Dipper!'. "If you didn't notice, I already saved him once from that portal, and he never thanked me! He causes the end of the world, and still somehow it's always "Mabel's the screw-up. Dipper's the hero.""

"Well maybe people think he's a hero because he didn't want to _hide_ in the Mystery Shack!" Ford glared.

"Well maybe if he hid in the Mystery Shack, he wouldn't have been _captured!_ " Mabel yelled, punching the drawing of Dipper's face.

"Guys, guys!" Stan cried, pulling the two of them into an embrace. "Trust me, tomorrow's gonna be great! I believe in us!"

"Help! Leader Mabel!" Chutzpah called. "I keep accidentally flexing through my sweater!" He did so. "Augh! It happened again!"

"Then how about you _stop_ doing that?" Bella asked from the circle.

"Those weird cows-monsters are awesome!" Stan laughed.

* * *

 

The next morning, giant Waddles was walking through a barren wasteland. He oinked loudly.

"Alright, fellas," Fiddleford said from inside the shack, which was covered in a giant tarp. "Let's hope this turns out better than some of my other inventions."

"Everybody ready?" Stan asked. "Ford, now!"

Ford pulled a lever and wheels began to turn, machinery started to run, and the invention stood up and began moving. The people inside were tossed side to side as the shack stood up.

* * *

 

Gideon Gleeful was burning a pile of Buddy dolls.

"Forgive me, boy," he said. "Your hyperflamable merchandise is the only thing keepin' me going." He looked up in shock as the robot shack passed by. "What in tarnation?"

The shack approached the Fearamid.

* * *

 

"No! No! Noooo!" Dipper screamed in pain as Bill zapped him. The man was currently hanging in midair by the blue chains on his wrists.

"Ready to talk now?" Bill asked. Dipper gasped as he spoke.

"I won't- I won't let you into my mind." Dipper glared and balled his hands into fists.

"What do you think, pals?" Bill asked his friends. "Another 500 volts?" There was a loud thumping from outside. "Hey, do you hear that?"

The T-rex head on the shack robot broke through the Fearamid wall and roared.

"What?! I just fixed that door!" Bill yelled. The Mystery Shack robot came into view. Ria ran out onto the porch, holding the Take Back The Falls flag, topped with Wax Larry King's head.

"It's the Shacktron, dude!" Ria shouted.

"They made the house into a robot," Larry King said. "Fascinating!"

"So the mortals are trying to fight back, huh?" Bill cackled. "Adorable! Henchmaniacs, you know what to do! Take them OUT!"

The demons grew in size and exited the Fearamid. The stood in front of the Shacktron.

"This was a bad idea," Mabel said.

"Hey, uh, is this thing on?" Ria asked, speaking into a microphone. "Testing, testing." She tapped on the microphone, creating feedback that made the monsters cover their ears. "Heh. I just wanted you monsters dudes to hand over Dipper, or we'll have to like, fight and junk? Heh." She pointed to Paci-Fire. "Hey, you're a little cutie."

"I have butchered thousands on countless moons," he spoke in a dark voice, his eyes flashing with each word.

"Woah! I liked you better before you talked," Ria said. "Real... real bring down, this guy."

"Attack!" Pyronica yelled. The demons charged at the Shacktron and Ria ran inside with the flag.

"Alright, dudes!" The woman cheered.

"Everyone! Like we planned!" Ford shouted. "Three, two, one. Go!"

The Shacktron posed in a fighting stance before going into battle. Growling Grenda operated the arms, punching away Paci-Fire and Kryptos. Bella held up Gompers to pull down a hanging lever, with caused the Shacktron to shoot several demons away.

"Haha, good boy." Bella giggled, hugging Gompers. The goat bleated. A swarm of eye bats attacked the Shacktron.

"Get 'em, Gobblewonker!" Chiu laughed, controlling the machine and making it eat an eye bat. Giffany killed two eye bats with lightning from atop the shack.

"Oh no you don't!" Dan yelled, jumping onto an eye bat. He pulled on its wings, making it turn 8 Ball's head to stone. Dan jumped off the eye bat, which was then eaten by the Gobblewonker, and back into the shack.

"Everyone! Incoming!" Multi-Bear warned. Mabel tugged at a door labeled 'EXIT', but it didn't budge.

"Does this thing have an escape hatch?!" She yelled. Suddenly Xanthar rammed into the Shacktron, pushing it backwards. Everyone inside screamed as they clung to something for support.

"Ev'ryone! Maximum power!" Fiddleford ordered. Mult'ple Timez ran on a treadmill, which sped up. "An'... NOW!"

Him and Ford turned a wheel, which caused the Shacktron to grab and throw Xanthar. Teeth ran away screaming while he was on fire.

"Guys, seriously?" Bill asked, watching from the Fearamid and rubbing his eye. "You had, like, one job to do here!"

"Bravo, Stan and Ford!" Dipper cheered as the chains lowered him to the throne and disappeared.

"Well, would you look at that," Bill mused. "Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. _**Don't you?**_ "

"What are you..." Dipper frowned in confusion, and then his eyes widened in fear. "Oh. Oh no!"

"Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk," Bill suggested.

"No. No! Not the kids!" Dipper cried. "You ca-"

Bill turned Dipper back into gold.

"Let's get this over with," he said. He crawled outside, grew a giant fist, adjusted his bowtie, and slammed his fist down on the shack. A bright light shone around the area, and once it disappeared, Bill saw that the Shacktron remained untouched. "What the? No no nO NO NO!"

He grew ten more arms, rapidly punching the force field around the shack.

"ATTACK!" Stan screamed. Grenda used the T-rex head to reach forward and pull Bill's eye right out of its socket.

"Aah! My eye!" Bill shouted. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?!

"We've got him distracted!" Ford shouted. "Now's our chance!"

"Rescue team, move out!" Stan yelled. He shoved his brass knuckles into his pocket, Mabel stuffed her grappling hook in her sweater, Ria put the memory gun in her backpack, and Ford tested the height-altering crystal flashlight on a snow globe. It fell over and shattered.

Ford, Stan, Mabel, Chiu, Ria, Dan, Preston, Daryl, Bella, and Fiddleford stood in the exit tubes, all wearing parashoots.

"Okay everyone," Ford said. "We get in, rescue Dipper, get out, save the world. Piece of cake."

"Just so we're clear, if I die, I'm suing all of you." Preston glared.

"Hey, on second thought, maybe we could come up with a plan that doesn't involve us plummeting to our certain dea-" Mabel began.

"Now!" Dan interrupted, slamming a button. The group was shot out of the Gobblewonker's mouth towards the Fearamid opening, screaming.

"Oh man, oh man..." Ford worried. Stan yelled with delight as he did cartwheels through the air. As they approached the Fearamid, they started to open their parachutes, which were made of Mabel's sweaters. They landed inside the Fearamid, Mabel face-planting as she did so. The group gasped when they saw Bill's throne.

"Oh, man. It looks even worse up close," Ford murmured. Stan took Mabel's grappling hook and shot it near the top of the throne. It landed on Womanly Wendy, and he pulled himself up to reach the arm of the throne.

"I found Great Uncle Dipper!" Stan yelled, tossing the grappling hook down. "He's golden!" He glanced at the gold, frozen Dipper. "But not in a good way!"

"Great! Grab him and let's go!" Mabel shouted as Ford rode up beside Stan.

"But how are we going to unfreeze them?" Ford asked.

"I know!" Buddy yelled. The twins turned to see him dancing in a hanging cage and wearing a sparkly suit.

"Buddy! What happened to you?" Stan asked.

"Bill captured me!" Buddy panted. "He's been forcing me to do cute dances in this cage for all eternity!" Buddy started sobbing. "I'm so tired of being cute!"

"How do we undo this?" Ford asked.

"Mayor Tyler," Buddy said. "He's the load-bearing human. Pull him out, and the whole thing goes down."

Ford pulled at Tyler's arm. The mayor rattled before turning back to normal and breaking free. The chair started to collapse, people returning to normal and falling to the ground. Deputy Roy hit Buddy's cage as he fell, knocking it down and freeing Buddy.

"Ugh. My mouth tastes like nightmares." The waitress groaned. Stacey screamed as she fell on her head.

"I think I'm dark and tortured for reals now," she said. A can of spray paint fell out of her hoodie pocket. Tad Strange sat up from the pile, smiling.

"This experience will forever scar Tad Strange," the man said.

"No more SAILOR SUIT!" Buddy yelled as he ripped off the sparkly suit and revealing his normal outfit underneath. He panted. Womanly Wendy and her sons ran up and hugged Dan.

"Danny!" Womanly Wendy cried happily.

"Guys!" Dan cheered.

"Mom!" Preston grinned.

"EDWIN!" Daryl shouted, running over to the boy and knocking over Pacifica in the process. Daryl held Ed in his arms.

"My Daryl!" Ed grinned.

"Don't you _ever_ scare me like that again!" Daryl sobbed happily, kissing Ed and pulling him into a hug. The crowd clapped and cheered.

"Aw, the gaybies!" Bella cooed. Dipper unfroze and shook his head.

"Kids! Aah, you did it!" He grinned, picking the twins up in a hug. "I knew I could count on you two. Haha!" He stared in shock as Chiu approached, and he carefully set the twins down. "Candy. I-I haven't seen you since we broke up... You must hate me."

He lowered his head in shame. Chiu stood there for a moment.

"I've tried forgettin'," she said slowly, then smiled up at Dipper. "Maybe I should try forgiving. Come here, you."

She jumped up to hug Dipper, planting a soft but not unnoticed kiss on his shoulder where her head rested.

"Hey, good to see you too, bro," Mabel said, fighting the small smile on her lips. "Now let's get outta here, huh?"

"Listen Uncle Dipper, we don't have a lot of time," Ford said. "Remember how you told me right before you were frozen that you knew Bill's weakness?"

"Yeah, a secret way to defeat him?" Stan added.

"I- I do!" Dipper said, pulling on a pair of gloves. "Now, does anyone have a pen? Pencil? Anything?"

"There's... one in your... pocke- ok..." Bella said quietly. Dipper didn't hear her, instead spotting and picking up Stacey's spray paint.

Ah. Perfect," Dipper grinned and began to draw on the ground.

"Uh, we've got Bill outside, but I don't know how long we can keep him occupied." Ford frowned as he watched Bill fighting the Shacktron.

"Yes, yes. Good, good," Dipper responded absentmindedly.

"Drawing a circle on the floor," Mabel said. "Well, he's lost his mind!"

"My mind is fine," Dipper assured. "And there _is_ a way to beat him. With this."

He showed them the zodiac on the ground.

"The world's most confusing game of hopscotch?" Preston asked.

"No, a prophecy. Although it... would be a pretty fun game of hopscotch," Dipper admitted. "Many years ago I found twelve symbols in a cave. Some I recognized then, some I only recognize now. The native people of Gravity Falls prophesied that these symbols could create a force strong enough to vanquish Bill. With Bill defeated, his weirdness would be reversed and the town could be saved. This whole time I though that it was just superstition. But seeing you all here now, I finally understand that it's destiny. Ford, the six fingers. Stan, the crescent."

The twins stepped on their respective spots, Ford looking happily at his hands and Stan proudly showing off his crescent sweater.

"The question mark," Ria said, looking at a spot that matched her shirt. "This one's unsolvable."

"Look look, that one's me!" Bella pointed to the cat spot and stepped on it. "It's gotta be!"

Dan shoved Stacey onto the stitched heart spot.

"That one's easy." He laughed. "You've been rockin' that dumb hoodie since the seventh grade."

"Whoa. Destiny hoodie." Stacey gasped.

The Tent of Telepathy sign!" Ford pointed. "That must be Buddy."

Buddy stood on the spot next to Bella.

"Whoo! An excuse to stand next to Bella." He grinned.

"Don't turn this into a big deal." The teen rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I won't," Buddy said, then turned around and whispered. "I will."

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Bill was still fighting the Shacktron. The robot punched him and held him to the ground. Bill tried to shove it off and noticed that the leg was outside of the shield.

"What the-?" Bill reached over and grabbed the foot. "Hey, Achilles! Nice work with the HEELS!" He ripped off the leg, making the shack fall over. "FORE!"

He hit the shack with the detached leg and it rolled away.

* * *

 

"Hold hands, everyone!" Dipper instructed, now standing on the pine tree symbol. "This is a mystical human energy circuit."

"Ice?" Ford questioned, seeing the ice bag spot. "Who's Ice?"

"The symbols needn't all be literal, Stanford," Dipper said. "It just has to be someone cool in the face of danger."

"Danny! Danny!" Dan's friends chanted. The boy chuckled, taking his spot on the zodiac.

"Shut up you guys," he said.

"Much like the spectacles need to be someone scholarly or smart," Dipper said.

"I-I could take that roll," Fiddleford said sheepishly, stepping forward to stand on the glasses.

"And the piece of candy needs to be someone sweet." Dipper grinned at Chiu, who gladly stood on the candy spot. "And you always did have a bit of a sweet tooth."

"This is freaky," Preston said, standing on the llama symbol and looking at his sweater.

"Now hold hands, everyone," Dipper said. Fiddleford held out his hand for Preston to take.

"Ew, I'm not touching that!" Preston grimaced.

"Hey, you ain't exactly my type either." Fiddleford glared.

"Do it, sweetie," Pacifica encouraged. "Do the one thing no one in our family has every done: touch the hillbilly."

Preston hesitantly took Fiddleford's hand and everyone in the circle began to glow blue. Thunder rumbled and smoke circled the Fearamid.

"Great Uncle Dipper, I think it's working!" Ford exclaimed. Chiu laughed excitedly.

"Yes! This is it!" Dipper grinned. "The rest of you get out. It's too dangerous!" The rest of the people not in the circle ran away. "We just need one more person..." Dipper looked at the shooting star symbol next to him. "Mabel! Mabel, get over here! You're the only one left!"

"You realize this in a bunch of hogwash, right?" Mabel asked, watching as Bill fought the Shacktron. "You really think some caveman graffiti is gonna stop that monster?"

"Dang it, old lady! Now's not the time!" Buddy yelled.

"Come on!" Dan groaned.

"What are you doing?!" Preston shouted. "You're gonna ruin this!"

"I've never held hands this long and I am _very_ uncomfortable!" Stacey spoke up.

"Woah, hey, I'm not the enemy here, people," Mabel defended herself. "Don't forget who _literally_ created the end of the world."

"I'm sorry, Mabel." Dipper sighed. "I know. Just help me fix it. Please!"

"Fine," Mabel agreed. "Just do one thing. Say 'thank you'."

"What?" Dipper asked, shocked.

"I spent thirty years trying to bring you back into this dimension, and you _still_ haven't thanked me!" Mabel said. "You want me to shake your hand? Say 'thank you'."

"Fine." Dipper sighed. "Thank you."

Mabel nodded in satisfaction and stepped between Dipper and Ria, holding their hands.

"There, see?" Mabel said. "Between me and him, I'm not always the bad twin."

"Between him and me," Dipper corrected. There was a beat of silence as the others stared at him. "Grammar, Mabel."

"I'LL 'GRAMMAR MABEL' YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL-!" Mabel yelled, letting go of Ria's hand and hitting her brother. The two siblings began to argue and fight.

"Guys, stop it!" Stan cried. Him and Bella pulled at Dipper, while Ford and Fiddleford pulled at Mabel. Dipper and Mabel stopped fighting as Bill approached, twirling the foot of the destroyed Shacktron in his hand.

" _Oh no, it's Bill_ ," Bill said. "Right? Isn't that what you're all thinking? Hey Buddy, why aren't you dancing? Chop chop, huh?" Bill began to laugh. "This is just perfect! Don't you brainiacs know that the zodiac doesn't work if you don't all hold hands? And what's better, you've brought every threat to my power in one easy-to-destroy CIRCLE!"

He waved his hands, making the spray paint of the circle catch fire. The people screamed and jumped away.

"Ah! My hair!" Preston screeched, patting out the fire on his hair.

"Ah! My hair also!" Stacey yelled, doing the same. Bill wrapped Dipper and Mabel up in two glowing ropes and held them in the air.

"You guys wanna see what happens to your friends when you can't get along?" Bill asked.

"Hey! You give them back!" Chiu yelled.

"You've gone too far, Cipher!" Buddy snapped.

"Yeah, we're not scared of you!" Dan shouted, pulling out his ax. Fiddleford pulled out his banjo, which he had brought as a weapon.

"Oh, but you should be," Bill said. He snapped his fingers and everyone except the two pairs of twins floated up into the air, their eyes rolling back into their heads. Stan and Ford yelled out in fear.

"You know, this castle could really use some decorATIONS!" Bill yelled. He waved his arms again, and the people floating beside him became tapestries of them screaming in fear behind their symbols. "Looks like it's too late for your friends, Mason."

Stan and Ford screamed and clung to each other as a cage encased them.

"Kids!" Mabel cried.

"But you can still save your family!" Bill said. "Last chance. Tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids!"

"No! Don't do it!" Ford cried.

"Yeah! Bill makes bad deals!" Stan agreed.

"Don't you toy with me, Crescent."  Bill glared, floating over to the cage. "I. See. EVERYTHI-" Stan sprayed Bill's eye, which showed a picture of the galaxy, with spray paint. "OW! Not again! Why?! Every time!"

He rubbed his eye in pain.

"Nice shot, pumpkin!" Mabel cheered. She and Dipper were released from the ropes and dropped to the floor. "I _know_  it hurts because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times!"

"I just regenerated that eye!" Bill complained. Ford pulled out his flashlight and enlarged the cage. Him and Stan jumped out as Bill continued to scream in pain.

"Save yourselves! Run!" Ford yelled to Dipper and Mabel. "We'll take care of Bill!"

"What?! That's a suicide mission!" Dipper cried.

"Trust us. We've beat him before..." Ford began.

"And we'll beat him again!" Stan finished, showing off his brass knuckles. He fist bumped Ford and they turned to Bill. "Hey! Bill! Come get us, you pointy jerk!"

The young twins ran off into the Fearamid, Stan turning to blow a raspberry before following after his brother.

"What?! No!" Dipper shouted. "It's too dangerous!"

Him and Mabel started to run after Stan and Ford, but Bill picked them up and nearly strangled them, evident by the older twins clutching their throats.

"Not so fast!" Bill snapped, setting them in a cage. "You two wait here!" Bill turned red and grew six more arms. "I've got some children I need to make into corpses. _See ya real soon!_ "

He ran off after the Stans, leaving Dipper and Mabel in the cage. The two of them panicked, yelling and banging on the bars of the cage.

Stan and Ford ran through the Fearamid, Bill quickly chasing after them

"When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna DISASSEMBLE YOUR MOLECULES!" Bill screamed. "You've tricked me for the last time!"

He tried to grab them, but they flew away on the grappling hook.

* * *

 

"Oh, I can't believe this." Mabel groaned. "The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault. Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand!" She slapped her forehead. "Ugh, Dad was right about me. I _am_ a screw-up. And now we won't even live to see our birthday."

"Oh, don't blame yourself." Dipper sighed. "I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would have seen right through him."

The two of them sat down. Dipper took a sip from a flask and handed it to Mabel.

"How did things get so messed up between us?" Mabel asked, drinking from the flask.

"We used to be like Stan and Ford," Dipper said. "The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it?"

"Easy. They're kids," Mabel answered. "They don't know any better." She watched as Dipper stood up. "Woah, where are you going?"

"I'm going to play the only card we have left." Dipper sighed. "Let Bill into my find. He'll be able to take over the galaxy, and maybe even worse, but at least he _might_ spare the kids."

"What?!" Mabel shouted, jumping to her feet. "Are you kidding me?! We're risking everyone on a _might?!_  Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?!"

"Bill's only weak in the mind space," Dipper explained. "If I didn't have this darn plate in my head-" he knocked on his head, creating a metallic sound, "-we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind."

"...What if he goes into _my_ mind?" Mabel suggested. "My brain isn't good for anything."

"Hehe, there's nothing in your mind he wants." Dipper chuckled sadly. "It _has_ to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids."

"Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal?" Mabel asked.

"What other choice do we have?" Dipper asked.

* * *

 

Stan and Ford were still running through the Fearamid. They screamed as they reached a dead end.

"You know, I'm starting to think there's no way out of here." Ford frowned.

"Like I always say, when one door closes, choose a nearby wall and _bash_ it in with brute force!" Stan smiled. He grabbed the flashlight, grew his hand, and punched through the wall. He then shrunk his hand back to normal and passed the flashlight back to his brother.

"Ha!" Ford laughed. "Now let's round up the townsfolk and together we can defeat-" He saw the rest of the townspeople tied up on the ground and surrounded by the demons. "Oh no!"

"You'll never take us alive, monsters!" Growling Grenda yelled.

"That's fine with us!" Teeth laughed and ate Shmebula.

Stan gasped. Neither twin noticed Bill floating up behind them.

"Peek-a-boo!" The demon cackled. The twins yelled as Bill caught them in a tractor beam.

* * *

 

Bill reentered the main room with Stan and Ford in his hand. Stan punched Bill's hand while Ford struggled against it.

"Alright Mason. Time's up," Bill said. "I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of 'em now, just for the heck of it!" His eye began switching between the crescent and the six fingers symbols. "EENIE... MEENIE... MINEE..." His eye landed on the crescent symbol. "YOU!"

He prepared to snap his fingers.

"WAIT!" Dipper screamed. "I surrender!"

"Good choice," Bill said, dropping Stan and Ford. Mabel gripped Dipper's shirt.

"Don't do it, Dipper!" She yelled. "It'll destroy the universe!"

"It's the only way!" Dipper yelled, shoving Mabel. Bill laughed, catching their attention.

"Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along!" He cackled. He dropped the cage and tied up Mabel, pulling her to her knees.

"My only condition is that you let my sister and the kids go!" Dipper yelled.

"Fine," Bill agreed.

"No, Grunkle Dipper! Don't trust him!" Ford yelled.

"It's a... DEAL!" Bill shouted. He shook Dipper's hand, cackling as he entered the mental realm. Dipper stared in horror as Bill entered his mind. "Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here!" He looked around at the empty white space. The only thing there was a wooden door. "Look at this place: a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to ya, Dipper. You really know how to clear your m-"

He opened the door to see Mabel- now with short hair- sitting in the chair in the Mystery Shack living room, knitting a sweater. Mabel winked at Bill, clicking her tongue and doing finger guns.

" _WHAT?!_ " Bill screamed.

"Hehe, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I?" Mabel asked with a grin. "If we switch clothes and Dipper drops his voice, no one can tell us apart. 'Course, we had to chop my hair off." She motioned to her new haircut. "Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it."

* * *

 

Outside of Mabel's mind, Dipper removed Mabel's fez, revealing his short hair. He pulled out the memory gun and typed 'Mabel Pines' into it before aiming at his unresponsive sister.

* * *

 

"What?!" Bill yelled. "The deal's off!" He turned around to leave, but the door slammed shut. "What the- no no no no!"

Bill panicked as the room started to burn with blue fire.

"Oh yeah. You're going down, Bill." Mabel smirked. "You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?"

"Y-you idiot!" Bill cried. "Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind, too?!"

"Eh, it's not like I was using this space for much, anyway." Mabel shrugged.

"Let me outta here!" Bill screamed. "Let me OUT!" He tried to create a portal out but it didn't work. "Why isn't this working?!"

"Hey, look at me," Mabel ordered. "Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family!"

"You're making a mistake!" Bill begged. "I'll give you anything! Money! Fame! Riches! Infinite power! Your own galaxy! PLEASE!" He began to melt and bend. "No! What's happening to me?!" He flashed between several distorted forms. "NRUTER YAM I TAHT REWOP TNEICNA EHT EKOVNI I! NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM! L-T-O-L-O-X-A! MAAAAAABBBBBEEEEEELLLL!"

Mabel punched Bill, destroying him completely. She panted, then picked up a picture of her, Stan, Ford, and Gompers.

"Heh... guess I was good for something after all." Mabel smiled sadly as she was engulfed in flames.

* * *

 

Dipper finished erasing Mabel's mind and dropped the memory gun. The others from the wheel turned back to normal and fell to the floor. 

Outside of the Fearamid, the rift sucked all of the demons away. Teeth spat out Shmebula as he got pulled away. The Fearamid itself was deconstructed brick-by-brick and pulled into the rift. Once it was gone, a wave washed over the town and returned it to normal. The citizens looked around and muttered in confusion. Giffany and the other games all faded away. 

Deep in the forest, a bird landed on the statue of Bill, the only remains of the demon.

In another part of the forest, Mabel, still in Dipper's clothes, slowly opened her eyes. Stan ran up to her and set her fez on her head.

"Oh my gosh! Graunty Mabel, you did it!" Stan cheered, hugging her.

"Oh, uh, hey there... kiddo," Mabel said, holding Stan's hands and prying him off of her. "What's your name?"

"Hehe... Graunty Mabel?" Stan laughed nervously, frowning.

"Heh." Mabel glanced around. "Who you talking to?"

"C-c'mon, it's me," Stan said as he began to tear up. "It's me, Graunty Mabel." He reached out for the woman, but Dipper and Ford pulled him back. "Graunty Mabel, it's me!"

"We had to erase her mind to defeat Bill," Dipper explained sadly. "It's all gone. Mabel has no idea, but... she did it. She saved the word. She saved me." He kneeled down in front of Mabel, his voice breaking. "You're our hero, Mabel."

He sniffed, hugging Mabel as he began to cry. Stan sat down and started sobbing. Ford set a hand on his shoulder and lowered his head as tears spilled from his eyes.

* * *

 

The Pines family, Ria, Fiddleford, and Bella approached the Mystery Shack, which was still a wreck. Dipper and Mabel were back in their normal clothes, thought Mabel's hair was still short. Ford went to open the door, but it was stuck. He punched the door until it caved in, and everyone walked into the living room, Stan and Ford holding Mabel's hands.

"Nice place you got here," Mabel said, looking around.

"It's _your_ place, Graunty Mabel," Ford said softly.

"Don't you remember?" Stan asked desperately. "Even a little?"

"Nope," Mabel said, sitting down in the recliner. "But this chair hugs my butt like it remembers." She looked at the others, who were watching her sadly. "Hey, why the long faces? You guys look like it's someone's funeral." She looked at Ria and her voice dropped to a whisper. "Who's the lady crying in the corner?"

Ria sobbed, turning away.

"We saved the world, but what's the point?" Ford asked, running a hand through his hair. "Graunty Mabel's not herself anymore."

"There's _gotta_ be _something_ we can do to jog her memory," Stan said.

"There isn't," Dipper denied. "I'm sorry. Mabel's gone.

"I _know_ my graunty is in there somewhere!" Stan yelled, pointing at Mabel. "There's gotta be something around here that can help bring her back!" He looked around, spotting his photo album. He grabbed it and ran to sit next to Mabel. "This'll work! This has to work! Here's the first day we came to Gravity Falls, Graunty Mabel. And here's a macaroni interpretation of my emotions."

He flipped through the pages, showing them to a confused Mabel.

"That time we went fishing?" Ford suggested. "That Summerween we spent together? Don't you remember anything?"

"I'm sorry." Mabel shook her head. "I don't know what this is or who you are or-" Gompers jumped up onto Mabel and started licking her. "Gah! Cut it out, Gompers! I'm trying to remember my life story!"

Mabel jumped to her feet. The kids gasped.

"What did you say?" Bella asked.

"I said get _Gompers_ off of me!" Mabel repeated. Dipper gasped.

"It's working!" He exclaimed. "Keep reading!"

"Skip to my page!" Ria said. "She needs to remember our boss-employee relationship."

"Relax Ria, it's a little hard to forget you." Mabel smiled as she sat back down.

"It's workin'! Keep goin'!" Fiddleford urged.

"Ok ok." Stan smiled. " _Day two. Graunty Mabel smells weird but we're starting to bond. She told us a lot about being a business woman in the 80s, and seemed happy when we pretended to listen. She also gave me a set of brass knuckles, which_ everyone _is impressed by. And in more important news, I met some neighborhood hotties._ "

They all laughed and Mabel joined in.

* * *

 

A woodpecker landed on the 'Welcome to Gravity Falls' sign. A gnome popped up and ate the bird.

_"Good morning, Gravity Falls," Tambry said. "It's another beautiful day. But everyday is beautiful, now that the... unpleasantness is over."_

Growling Grenda wiped a drawing of Bill off of the diner window. The farmer guy chased some eyeball bats out of his barn with a broom.

At the cemetery, a zombie popped out of the ground. Robbie pushed it back into the ground with his foot.

"There," he huffed. A zombie arm popped up and grabbed Tambry's leg. "Babe, you got a little something..."

"I've got it," Tambry said, pushing another zombie into the ground with a shovel. "Hey Stacey, be a dear and get us the sawed-off shotgun."

"Ugh, fine. Whatever!" Stacey groaned as she walked off. Befufftlefumpter popped out of a grave as a zombie.

"Brains, and so forth," he moaned. Tambry poked him back into the ground.

"And back down you go," she said.

* * *

 

Tyler stood on a podium in the center of town in front of a crowd.

"None of us really understand what just happened and none of us want to," he spoke. "That's why I'm passing the _Never Mind All That Act._ If anyone goes around goes around asking about the 'events' of the last few days, what do we say?"

"Never mind all that!" The crowd said as a banner saying those words dropped.

"And if you break the rules, we're gonna zap you," Holt said, him and Roy holding up tasers.

_"In other news, the Northwest family has gone broke," Tambry said. "After pledging her allegiance to Bill and then placing all her savings in weirdness bonds, Pacifica Northwest had to sell her mansion to preserve her family fortune."_

Pacifica sobbed as a 'FOR SALE' sign was hung over the gate.

_"But fortunes have also turned for local maniac, Candy Chiu, who, after regaining her sanity, had made millions overnight submitting her parents to the US government," Tambry reported._

_"I'm gonna buy me a bigger shed!" Chiu said, tossing her blueprints around. She pointed at the used-to-be Northwest Manor. "Hey, that one's for sale!"_

_"In other good news, town hero, Mabel Pines, has fully recovered her memory, and will be throwing a party to celebrate her and her brother's birthday, and their nephews' final day in town." Tambry smiled sadly. "But other than that, I can safely say our beloved Gravity Falls is back to normal. And now, Bodacious T, with sports."_

_She turned to Thompson, who was sitting beside her and holding a bat and skull._

_"It's called_ Death Ball _," he said._

* * *

 

"...to you!" The townsfolk sung to Dipper and Mabel, who were standing in front of a cake. The crowd cheered.

"I can't believe you all got together just to throw a party for us." Mabel grinned.

"After all the Pines family has done for the town, it's the least we could do," Tyler said. "You've helped everyone here!"

"Thanks to y'all savin' us, I've learned to open my heart to kindness." Buddy smiled. "No more evil-doin'. From now on, I'm gonna try to be Lil' Buddy, regular ol' kid."

_Buddy was at a park on a skateboard and wearing 'cool' clothes._

_"Wa-oh! Woo!" Buddy exclaimed as he stepped on the board. "I'm bustin' a move on this skatin' board."_

_"More like busting your pants, loser." A boy laughed as he walked past. Buddy glared at him and snapped his fingers. Two nearby prisoners walked up to the boy and beat him up. Buddy smiled sweetly and giggled._

"Dude! Make a wish, dawg." Ria smiled.

"You know what?" Mabel began. "If last year you had asked me what I wanted, I wouldn't have said anything. But that's because the only gift I've ever wanted was my brother back."

"Here here," Dipper agreed. "And what about you, Stan? Ford?"

* * *

 

"You know, on my first day here, if you had asked _me_ what I wanted, I would have said 'adventure, mystery, true friends'," Ford listed. "But looking here at all of you, I realize that every wish came true." He chuckled. "I have everything I wanted."

"If I had only one wish it would be to shrink all of you with the shrink ray and bring you home with us in my pocket," Stan said. "But since that's impossible-" He turned to Dipper. " _Is_ that impossible?" Dipper shook his hand and shrugged. "Since that's _probably_ impossible, my only wish is for everyone to sign my photo album. I'll never forget you guys. Wait!" He took the memory gun out and smashed it on the floor. " _Now_ I'll never forget you guys."

The older twins blew out their birthday candles together.

"And you guys get cupcakes!" Bella grinned, setting a plate with two cupcakes on the table in front of Stan and Ford. "Y'know, since it's your last day in town and all."

Stan and Ford smiled and took the cupcakes, thanking Bella.

"Hey, you guys," Preston said. "When are you gonna open your presents already? I broke a nail wrapping them."

He held up his tape-covered handed. Both sets of twins laughed and the younger ones shook their heads. They each grabbed a present and Mabel clapped.

"Mabel, I need to talk to you," Dipper said quietly. He led her behind the shack. "I didn't wanna say anything with everyone listening, but we've got a problem. Weirdmageddon has been contained, but I'm detecting some strange new anomalies near the arctic ocean." He used his watch to show a holographic map of the world. "I want to go investigate, but I think I just became too old to go it alone."

He smiled knowingly at Mabel.

"Are you saying you need someone to help you sail around the world in the adventure of a lifetime?" Mabel asked excitedly.

"I don't just want _someone_ to come with me, Mabel," Dipper said. "I want it to be you." He handed her a picture of them posing on the Mystery Boat as kids. Mabel was wearing a t-shirt while Dipper had on just two sports bras. "Will you give me _my_ birthday wish: a second chance?"

"Do you think we'll find treasure?" Mabel asked. "And dudes?"

"Heh." Dipper chuckled and playfully punched Mabel. "I'd say there's a high probability! But what should we do with the Mystery Shack?"

"I think the town's had enough mystery for one lifetime," Mabel said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Dipper and Mabel started whispering and mumbling. Ria snuck up to them, eating cake, and gasped when she overheard their conversation.

* * *

 

Dipper and Mabel stood on the porch with Stan and Ford after they had all opened their presents. Mabel tapped a glass Pitt Cola bottle with a fork.

"Everyone! I have an announcement to make," she said. "Me and my... heh... nerdy bro over here," she put an arm around Dipper's shoulders, "have some catching up to do. We're gonna be away for a while, and that's why I'm shutting down the Mystery Shack for good!"

The crowd gasped and murmured. Ria broke through the crowd, standing at the front.

"You shut down your _mouth_ for good!" She yelled and climbed on stage. "I'm sorry, Mr. and Ms. Pines. It's just that this shack is the most magical place on Earth. Sure, the attractions are all fake, but dreams aren't fake!" She held up a fake mermaid. "Like, this mermaid. It's not just a dead fish butt sewn to a monkey carcass. It's a marvelous creature that makes us believe that anything is possible. You shut down this shack, and you shut down our dreams!" She frowned, removing her cap. "At least... my dreams."

A resounding 'Aww' came from the crowd. Mabel sighed.

"I'm sorry, Ria, there's just no one around to run it," she said, then paused. "At least... there _wouldn't_ be if I hadn't just found the perfect replacement." She took off her fez, placing it on Ria's head. The woman stood there in shock. "Ladies, gentlemen, and other non-binary terms!" Mabel winked at Bella. "The Mystery Shack is under new management!"

The crowd cheered loudly.

"You... you mean it, Ms. Mystery?" Ria asked.

" _You're_ Ms. Mystery now, Ria." Mabel grinned. "Try not to burn the place down."

Abuelito carried some bags in with a moving truck in tow.

"I'll move in immediately," he said. The partygoers continued to cheer.

* * *

 

That evening, the Mystery Shack attic was empty. The Pines, Ria, Dan, Bella, Fiddleford, and Gompers stood at the bus stop. Stan and Ford had a set of luggage each.

"Do y'all really gotta go?" Fiddleford asked sadly. "There's still so much we haven' done together."

"Summer's over, Fidds," Ford answered sadly. "It's time for us to grow up."

"But not too much." Stan chuckled. Bella groaned.

"I hate my stupid feels!" She complained and slapped her head. "Cut it out, brain!"

Fiddleford and the twins chuckled.

"Hey guys?" Stan said, looking at Fiddleford and Bella. "Thanks for being our first friends."

"And more," Ford added, smiling sadly at Fiddleford. "Even if we did realize it a little late."

"Thanks for wearing my goodbye sweater, Stanley." Mabel grinned.

"Of course, Graunty Mabel," Stan nodded.Bella gave him a tight hug, giving him a quick kiss on the lips when she broke apart.

"Something to remember me by," she said shyly, looking at her feet. Stan stared in shock for a second before pulling his bifriend into another hug and giving her a longer kiss.

"Woah, ok, that's gross," Ford shuttered, turning away.

"Man, I'm gonna miss ya," Stan mumbled.

"Hey," Dan said, and the two twins looked up at him. "You guys mean a lot to me. Keep being awesome, alright?"

He held out his fist, and Stan and Ford gave him a fist bump.

"You got it." Stan grinned.

"You too." Ford smiled.

"Oh, and here." Dan handed Ford an envelope. "Read it the next time you miss Gravity Falls."

A bus pulled up and slowed to a stop.

"Last bus leaving Gravity Falls," the bus driver announced. "All aboard."

"Guess we've said goodbye to everyone except... Gompers." Stan breathed upon seeing the goat next to Bella. "I... I don't know how to explain this, but..." He sighed. "Ma and Pa won't let me bring a goat home to New Jersey, so... you have to stay here. I mean, you'll still have Bella, though!"

"He always did like you more..." Bella muttered, kicking the dirt. She watched as Gompers bleated and ran up to Stan, pulling on his shirt. The boy tried to push him off and he started crying.

"Come on. Come _on._ " Stan sobbed. "I have to go. I'm... I'm sorry, Gompers!"

Mabel bit her lip and growled.

"You know what? Forget it!" She yelled. "I lived with this goat all summer, so now _your_ parents are gonna have to!" She set Gompers on the bus. "Hello, Mr. Bus Man! This goat is coming with the kids."

"Now, hold on a second," the driver said. "Bringing animals aboard a moving vehicle is strictly prohibited by-" Mabel pulled out her grappling hook and Dipper showed off the gun on his belt. "Ah... welcome aboard! You can sit in the front row... goat."

The driver looked nervously at Dipper and Mabel as Gompers wandered onto the bus.

"Kids..." Mabel kneeled down in front of Stan and Ford. "You kids were the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm really gonna miss you."

Stan sniffed and he and Ford hugged Mabel.

"We'll miss you too, Graunty Mabel," Stan said as he petted the tassel on Mabel's fez. Stan and Ford stood in front of the bus's door.

"Ready to head into the unknown?" Ford asked.

"Nope." Stan took a deep breath. "Let's do it."

They stepped onto the bus and it began to drive off, the sign on the front flipping to read 'Airport'. The others waved, running after the bus and yelling their farewells. Mabel frowned sadly and Dipper put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

_If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls._

Chiu walked into the mansion and dropped a single bag on the floor.

"Well, I've moved in," the said.

_It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait._

At the Mystery Shack, Ria unveiled a statue of Mabel that said 'Founder'. Micheal stood behind the counter. A group of kids ran away screaming. Ria smiled and dusted off the statue.

Bella and Fiddleford were up late into the night, talking and laughing at their last sleepover of the summer.

Dipper and Mabel were on a boat named 'Mystery Boat II' (which had been a birthday present from Fiddleford's dad). A giant squid attacked and Mabel punched it in the face. She and Dipper threw their arms around each other, laughing.

_Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods. Waiting._

Ford looked at the envelope in his hands. He opened it and unfolded the piece of paper inside. On the paper were the words 'See you next summer!' surrounded by signatures from many people. Ford smiled lightly as the bus drove off into the sunset.


End file.
